Hurtful comments about pregnancy

[Ebonythoughts]

Hi all,

So I’m 10+2 weeks with my first pregnancy and have only really hope my immediate family and my in laws to have their support, but yesterday some work colleagues noticed I was feeling really nauseous at work and were suss so I decided to be honest and tell them.

I really wish I didn’t. I’m 34 and this is my first child and every single one of these ladies just commented on my age and the challenges of having a baby as a “mature mother” with some horror stories, one even said to me “you should have just had a baby in your 20s so you could have the energy to raise it and play with it”. I ran to the bathroom and cried.

I know it’s ridiculous because my mother had me at 32 and I’m healthy, but just hearing negativity when you tell people your news is just heartbreaking. I don’t want anyone else outside my family to know now and I’m so worried about people’s unhelpful comments when I start to show.

I hope no one else has experienced this. Pregnancy is a blessing at any age, I wish people could understand that and be respectful.

Yeah thats harrassment.
Its also ageism.
Pregnancy discrimination.

I suggest you log the incidents and contact a senior manager or HR about this.

Its very disgraceful to be honest, and the fact you are pregnant is yours and your familys' business and nothing to do with them so they need to back off.

You have enough to be dealing with without unecessary interferance from colleagues.

Hope this helps.

They’re not being hurtful, they’re just discussing with you. And they’re right - it is harder the older you are, but it doesn’t mean it’s a bad decision.

Having a baby in your thirties is vastly different to having a baby in your twenties. Pregnancy is far, far easier to deal with the younger you are, and you do have more energy when you’re younger too.

But of course there are pros to having a baby when you’re older; more life experience, you’re wiser, your priorities are different and you’re likely more financially and personally stable to have a baby.

I think you’re being oversensitive. I’ve had my two children in my thirties and it has been much harder on me than my colleague who had a baby in her twenties (pregnant at the same time).

I also have a colleague who was pregnant in her twenties and then again in her thirties, and she spent a lot of the time talking about how much more difficult it was this time around.

Oh don’t be ridiculous. One conversation discussing pregnancy as you get older is not harassment, it’s not ageist, and where on earth are you getting discrimination from?!

Yeah they're dicks.

Presumably you're having a baby now because it was the right time for you. They're also massively insensitive - they have no idea how long it took to get pregnant. I'd be tempted to reply very sarcastically to them, but best probably to ignore them.

I'm 42 and pregnant. God knows how they think I'll cope.

Worth speaking to your GP for help with the sickness.

Thank you for your responses.

@Irridescantshimmmer i don’t think I’ll take it that far because I just felt it was insensitive and don’t want to draw more attention to it.

@LemonsOnTheMelons i already knew this. My mother had 6 children, and I was her last. She told me the difference of having children at a later age and my sisters have been in the same situation. I just didn’t need those comments from people I just shared my news with. And it wasn’t a discussion, the tone was clear.

@Whataretheodds what they don’t realise (because it’s not their business) is that my husband and I have been trying for the past 8 years. Of course if I had a choice I’d be pregnant at 26 but life doesn’t work like that. I am a lot stronger as a person now and more financially secure so I know it’s the right time. I just wish people didn’t feel the need unwarranted ‘advise’ about age.

it is probably the hormones making me feel more sensitive too but I’m feeling really anxious about going back to work today.

They are being ridiculous 🙄 I'd my first at 33 and planning my second next year hopefully at 36. I know women who've had their babies in their 40s. Being a parent is hard no matter what age you are I think. It's also brilliant

34 isn’t old! There are lots of people on here having babies into their 40s. You’re only a couple of years older than me and I’d see myself as quite a young mum still. You’ll have plenty of energy! Hardly walking round in your zimmer 🙄 such a shame they couldn’t just have been delighted for you. Try to ignore it, tell them nothing else. Other people will be pleased when they hear

I had my first in my twenties and found it really tough despite having an easy stress free job. Im nearly 38 & on my feet all day and so far found this pregnancy a breeze, im fitter healthier and less anxious. I think pregnancy/having a kid can be hard whatever your age. There are benefits of having a kid later in age & 32 is still bloody young. Focus on yourself x

Average age in London is 32. Everywhere else its approximately 30, apart from two areas in the north (I forget where) where it is 29.

So, no. You're not old.

They're being ridiculous. I hardly know anyone who had babies in their 20s. There were two who were 29 in my NCT group and they seemed so young to me.

You have to try and grow a thicker skin though. People will say all kind of crap to you throughout pregnancy and parenting. Laughing it off is a skill!

They’re cunts. Ignorant cunts.

When someone tells you they’re pregnant, you say congratulations (assuming they’re not telling you in floods of tears). That’s it. You do not ever pass judgement or discuss that woman. Who do they think they are?

34 is not old. Also ignore the daft poster above. She may have been knackered in her 30s having kids, but that’s unusual. Why would you be suddenly so tired? I’d recommend that poster saw a doctor. 30s is not old.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so sick, it’s awful, but it will pass. And I’m really sorry your colleagues are twats.

Also don’t feel bad for feeling sad. Ten weeks is peak rank. You feel sick, you feel tired, you feel extremely hormonal. It will all settle.

@Ebonythoughts

Congratulations!

Ignore them! What a strange thing to comment when your hormones are at their peak. You'll be absolutely fine. People do it day in, day out at all kinds of ages. My brother will become a dad for the first time at 43 because he's never met the right person until now.

Hold your head high. They are the ones who should feel anxious because they've been idiots.

Practice how you're going to respond if they do say anything. Mumsnet's "did you mean to be so rude?" would be good here.

@Hibiscrubbed How very aggressive. Want some salt for that chip on your shoulder?

I never said I was knackered I said it was hard in my 30s because it was, as it is for most people in their 30s compared to their 20s.

And I did see a doctor. Several of them, consultants included, and they all said the said thing - it is harder in your 30s than your 20s.

This is bloody ridiculous, OP. See most work colleagues, they are utterly miserable old sods. Never happy for anyone. Ignore them.

I had my first DD, 32 & now I've just turned 34 last month and im less than two weeks away from having our second. Total crap. The best thing I ever did was waited to have children in my thirties, so I can devote myself to them. In my twenties I was far too selfish and wouldn't have had a clue what I was doing🤣 x

If it works for you why would it matter what they say? and no I also do not think using the discrimination card helps (OP not saying you are just the comments)

It is just peoples comments, would it be better if no one said anything at all then you could complain they are not interested?

They are being ridiculous, it’s quite normal to be having kids in your 30’s now. DD goes to a nursery where I would say majority of her classmates parents are mid 30’s to 40’s.

Just ignore them.

I’m 34 and this is my first child and every single one of these ladies just commented on my age and the challenges of having a baby as a “mature mother”

Say something like “gosh - you’re all well behind the times. Nobody has babies that young any more; you need to be well over 40 to be considered a “mature mother” these days…..”. Which, to be fair, is pretty much true!

This post is important to remember @Ebonythoughts

pregnancy in people in their 30’s may be older than in history but the majority of women are having babies in their 30s so mature or not, the medical profession has more experience in women in their 30s than those in their 20s currently and they’re going to be able to anticipate and meet any challenges along the way.

your colleagues are mean. Remind them that the only thing they need to say is Congratulations.

and remember YOU have no experience of pregnancy other than this, so it is what it is! You have nothing to benchmark it with or compare it to. You’ll cope. You’ll manage, it’ll be absolutely fine!

I was 38 when I had my ds. He’s about to turn 18. I made it. 😂 On my own too as his dad is a twat.

One of the weirdest things about pregnancy is how some people will delight in telling you horror stories, and stressing the lack of sleep over the joy of cuddling your new born and watching your baby grow.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, even if you're feeling sick it's still magical that you're growing a baby. I found iced drinks a help, baths and lots of rest.

Your colleagues are being awful.

Hey OP, I echo what everyone else has said but just wanted to say that I'm also 10+2 today and I'm 36! Nobody at my work knows yet and if they did have something to say about it I'd tell them to sod off!

DH is one of 5 children, his Mum had her eldest at 16 and youngest at 38! Its a lot more common these days to have children later. I wouldn't worry about it at all just do as you are doing and all the best for the rest of your pregnancy 😊

Such nasty cows! I'll never understand why some people are so nasty and negative and want to ruin someone else's good news. It's usually jealousy or they ate miserable with their own lives.

34 is nowhere near old. Congratulations on your pregnant. It's a wonderful time and don't let some bitter bitches ruin it for you.

What’s aggressive? I didn’t tag you in a post.

And there’s no need for it to be ‘much harder’ in your 30s, unless you’re not a particularly fit or healthy person in the first place, in which case there may be other factors at play.

That's so weird. 34 is a really really normal age to be having your first. I had mine at 34 and 36 and had more energy with my second - because she slept, whereas the first decided to see if she could kill us via sleeplessness.