Hurtful comments about pregnancy

[Ebonythoughts]

Hi all,

So I’m 10+2 weeks with my first pregnancy and have only really hope my immediate family and my in laws to have their support, but yesterday some work colleagues noticed I was feeling really nauseous at work and were suss so I decided to be honest and tell them.

I really wish I didn’t. I’m 34 and this is my first child and every single one of these ladies just commented on my age and the challenges of having a baby as a “mature mother” with some horror stories, one even said to me “you should have just had a baby in your 20s so you could have the energy to raise it and play with it”. I ran to the bathroom and cried.

I know it’s ridiculous because my mother had me at 32 and I’m healthy, but just hearing negativity when you tell people your news is just heartbreaking. I don’t want anyone else outside my family to know now and I’m so worried about people’s unhelpful comments when I start to show.

I hope no one else has experienced this. Pregnancy is a blessing at any age, I wish people could understand that and be respectful.

I had my first baby as a teenager, another in my early 20s, a 3rd in my mid 30s and a last one in the late 30s.

I didn't find it harder in my 30s, in fact if you've ever tried to get a teenager out of bed in the morning you might realise how hard it can be for a teenager coping with night feeds and early mornings.

I was perfectly healthy in my late 30s, hell I'm perfectly healthy now 30 years later and regularly care for GC with no issues, had 3 here for the last few days and night feeds don't worry me.

You might have found pregnancy in your 30s hard but it doesn't mean everyone will. My fastest labour was the last one, I had very mild morning sickness with my pregnancies in my 30s.

OP ignore the horror stories, you aren't infirm as far as I know and you aren't old. Enjoy your pregnancy and the baby.

I had mine at 32 and 34 and am now a happy 48 year old mum of teenagers and not remotely old and not very mature even now! They're talking bollocks ignore them.

Glad you have some nice male colleagues. Ignore those women, they are just nasty.

Do you have a HR department at all? I would absolutely want this pulled up!

I am 35 and 24 weeks pregnant with my first, not one person has ever mentioned my age (except the usual at the midwife appointments) so I think it’s disgusting the comments you have had from people at work! They sound bitter if anything but it isn’t acceptable.

Oh my god they sound awful! My sister had her first baby at 42 and she's a brilliant mum!
I would say to complain but I know it could make things more difficult for you.

People talk out of their arse a lot when the subject of pregnancy/parenting comes up. You’ll get a thicker skin for it in no time op. 😊

and congratulations!

Oh, not really. The colleagues were cunts. 🤷‍♀️

Especially in light of their subsequent actions.

You might think passing judgement on someone being pregnant in their 30s is ok @LemonsOnTheMelons, you might even try to prop it all up with something you apparently got told by a ‘medical professional’ once, but no one else here thinks that the behaviour of these colleagues is ok.

When a woman tells you she’s pregnant, say congratulations. Don’t discuss her age, her weight, her body shape, her health or your perception of her capability for motherhood.

When a woman tells you she’s pregnant, say congratulations. Don’t discuss her age, her weight, her body shape, her health or your perception of her capability for motherhood. Absolutely right, I'd just add don't comment on how many children she has.

@LemonsOnTheMelons the things you've said may be true but

1. they're not appropriate to say to a colleague in that situation
2. OP didn't have a choice
3. I'd have found having a child in my 20s much harder - my mental health was all over the place, I had no money, and would have been a single parent. I am realistic about the challenges of having a mother in my 40s but you don't know enough to judge so i hope you wouldn't.

29 and pregnant here. Suppose I am in the middle. Will be 30 when born.

I would NOT have coped with a baby in my younger 20s . Emotionally and finance wise.

There comments are ridiculous and yes it's there opinion but what a pointless one to share. Even if they were right (they are not) you havnt got a time machine!!!!!

Wtf? The vast majority of my colleagues and friends had their first babies around your age or older. Your work people sound batshit, ignore them! My grannies had their last at 41 and 44 respectively and certainly still had energy to play!

I'm sorry they said all that unnecessarily hurtful stuff. I had my daughter at 34 following 10 years of trying, miscarriage, heartache and ivf. I'd have swung for anyone who said those things to me!!!

Congratulations on your baby and put these idiots to the back of your mind.

Ps I felt super healthy for whole 9 months and actually miss the feeling of being pregnant it's magical 😀

What kind of place do you work? Is this an office?!

Such a strange comment

I was 34 and the youngest in my nct group in London!! Although compared to history I wasn’t young I really felt like a young mum!!

i don’t know who your colleagues are - in particular what generation they belong to or where you live - but their attitude is pretty backwards

i just had my 2nd in my late 30s and even now I don’t feel too old

I actually coped better with pregnancy and delivery at 36 than when I was just turned 30. Sometimes it's the pregnancy or where you are in life and not your age that determines how you cope, tiredness etc.

Honestly ignore them.
Keep any details you share about your pregnancy to a minimum and only share what you feel comfortable with.

It's such a sweeping assumption that once you're over 30 pregnancy will suddenly be harder and so will motherhood. All pregnancies and all babies are different.

FWIW I had DC1 at 25 and had an awful pregnancy (HG from 6 weeks, severe flooding re eclampsia, premature birth) and terrible PPD afterwards. Technically I was the prime age but it just depends from one person to another! I have a friend who was pregnant at the same time (age 38) and she sailed through without issue.

Don't let these stupid sweeping comments impact how you feel or how you share your pregnancy.

Congratulations and best of luck

Congratulations!

I think that was nonsense too - I had two children in my 20’s and two in my 30’s and there was no difference in the experiences of pregnancy or energy levels! I think it is all down to fitness and mental energy, I have seen 20 years olds that don’t cope with parenting as well as 30 year olds and it really isn’t about age at all. I wish that people would stop making a fuss about that. We live in an age where most people take care of themselves a lot better now and they are having children later.

I am pregnant at 43, so who knows what they would say about me!!!! I am healthy and fit, and definitely ready for another child. No one would be able to tell me otherwise - I think I would have given them an ear full !!!

I think we are all adults, and it is our choice at the end of the day, you are not some 17 year old discussing your options you are a grown A** woman and this is your choice. Pregnancy is stressful enough without this hassle.

Good luck, and if it was up to me I would ask them to stop being so negative. You don’t need that S**t. :-)

Instead listen to the support from these messages and know that all that stuff is not important.

Xxx

@WunWun yes it’s an office. I work for a publishing company and to be honest the only people my age or younger are some of my male colleagues. All of my family colleagues are in their late 40s early 50s and they’ve had issues with me since I started working here 6 years ago. That’s why I didn’t want anyone at work to know but I can’t handle the stress so I’m just sitting by myself trying to hold back tears today.

How strange they are!! I work in law and the average age for a female lawyer to have a first baby is 34-35. I had my first at 30 and there were lots of shocked whispers that I was so "young" and "early in my career". Totally normal for women with a career to wait. I had my youngest at 40 and felt great. Less sickness, less tiredness, very straightforward birth, easier time breastfeedingand getting into a routine. It won't necessarily be harder whether younger or older. Congratulations and chin up and ignore the weirdos. No idea what they are on about. Did they all have children young and have therefore decided you are "doing it wrong"?
Actually I just remembered there was one person who had her children in her early 20s and kept saying she thought it was "mad" that I was having a baby at 40 and she "wouldn't be able to bear it" if it was her. I used to laugh it off but one day I snapped and said "I'd rather live my life than yours". She was really offended and never spoke to me again. Result!

Are you always this sensitive? This needs laughing off, everyone knows that women are having babies well inti their 40s nowadays and 34 is not old!

Why are you putting up with this shit? This is outright bullying. Please make a stand. Do you have an HR department? I honestly can't believe how vile some people are 😡

This is absolute BS! I had my first at 35, booked in age 34 and mentioned to the midwife that I was an 'older mum' she said 'no, older mum means 40+'

You're fine and your age is great for raising a child. I would have been the worst mum in my 20s - I was living my life and trying to get into my profession. My DD is the happiest little toddler. Sometimes I think maybe I would have had more energy in my 20s, but I didn't have the maturity or patience to have been the parent I am now. I also wouldn't have had the financial stability.

This is madness. I had my first at 36 and pregnant with second at 38. No doctor or anyone has ever mentioned my age and I'm bang in the average, if not slightly younger, than the average mums at all my child's groups and classes. No one I know was sorted enough financially and had got to the places we wanted to be in our careers to have kids in our 20s, we had to work crazy hours then that wouldn't have worked with a family. Your colleagues are dicks and you should ignore them.

That's just you though. I had mine in my 30's and it was a breeze - both being pregnant and managing to have the energy to play with them 🤷‍♀️