Hurtful comments about pregnancy

[Ebonythoughts]

Hi all,

So I’m 10+2 weeks with my first pregnancy and have only really hope my immediate family and my in laws to have their support, but yesterday some work colleagues noticed I was feeling really nauseous at work and were suss so I decided to be honest and tell them.

I really wish I didn’t. I’m 34 and this is my first child and every single one of these ladies just commented on my age and the challenges of having a baby as a “mature mother” with some horror stories, one even said to me “you should have just had a baby in your 20s so you could have the energy to raise it and play with it”. I ran to the bathroom and cried.

I know it’s ridiculous because my mother had me at 32 and I’m healthy, but just hearing negativity when you tell people your news is just heartbreaking. I don’t want anyone else outside my family to know now and I’m so worried about people’s unhelpful comments when I start to show.

I hope no one else has experienced this. Pregnancy is a blessing at any age, I wish people could understand that and be respectful.

This makes more sense. It definitely sounds like they have deeper rooted problems than just thinking people should have babies in their 20s. They sound miserable and misery loves company. Do they have children? If so, I wonder if they feel insecure in their own life choices (having children younger) and decided to fight their feelings of insecurity around their own choices by being nasty to you about yours. For clarity, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having children younger at all. I just think this spitefulness is coming from their own insecurities around the age at which someone becomes a mother and they are using you to help justify their choices to themselves. It's very petty and pathetic. I'm really sorry that's happening to you!

34 is not old.
would they say the same things to a 34 year old man?

@Ebonythoughts I'm same age as you, also pregnant with my first and I think I'd have cried too! I'm actually shocked that colleagues could be either so deliberately mean or totally thoughtless / unaware. No one can know someone else's experience or circumstances when it comes to pregnancy yet some people seem to take it as an open invitation to share ALL their opinions. How hard is a simple 'congrats, hope you feel better soon'?!

I ended up telling my work pretty early because I was struggling with miserable nausea - thankfully finally went away around week 16. But I'd speak to hr- not necessarily about your colleagues' behaviour- but about any reasonable adjustments they can make for you like maybe more working from home if thats an option. Once they're aware your pregnant you have the added security of all the legal protections and you can hopefully make arrangements to work in a away that feels comfortable and gets you some distance from all those lovely unsolicited opinions! Keep your head up, all that matters at end of day is you and your baby, everyone else can just jog on!

Pregnancy is far, far easier to deal with the younger you are, and you do have more energy when you’re younger too.

She's in her early-mid 30s! Pretty ideal age.

The younger the better isn't true. There's the obvious cases of teenage pregnancies, which hopefully you'll agree are much worse than a 20-something getting pregnant, despite your comment. Even after that, it's better for you as a woman to not have kids in late teens/early 20s. You're still developing.

U need these ppl reported to hr. Especially the person who said if u need to cry go home. That's so rude. If u want to message me and I'll pretend to be a concerned family member end tell
Them it's out of order. I don't even know u but I already have ur back 200% on this

What would they know.

Well they’re medically trained health professionals and they were all mothers, so a lot.

I had my first at 34 in March this year and I am so, so much fitter in my 30s than I was in my 20s. I spent a lot of early and mid 20s drinking, eating, socialising and not exercising, which I completely flipped during Covid and weight trained multiple times per week, cut down on alcohol and ate much better. I exercised until 36 weeks pregnant so being easier in your 20s is rubbish, my health is far better at 34 than it ever was at 24!

Ignore them OP, they are incredibly rude and it’s none of their business when you have a child. I plan to have a second at 37 and think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that!

Your colleagues are horrible. That comment about needing to go home to cry was very nasty. You should keep a note of these incidents in case it continues and you need to report them to HR for bullying. They're very behind the times thinking 34 is too old to be pregnant! Madness.

What a strange reaction to finding out someone's pregnant! So sorry to hear you had that experience OP! What's the point in making those kinds of comments?! It's not like you can go back in time to have a baby earlier and, if you could, why should you have to!

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I had my first (and only so far) at 32 and my mum was 33 when she had me (28 when she had my brother). My dad was 7 years older than her as well and they both had plenty of energy for both of us.

Wishing you the best for a healthy and happy pregnancy 😀

You look rather foolish for still defending the actions of these women. You do not ‘discuss’ another woman’s pregnancy in this way. You just don’t.

This is a clear case of workplace bullying and @Ebonythoughts, I strongly suggest you go to HR. I hope your nausea settles soon.

wat? most women I know had their first in their 30s. I thought the line was drawn at 40 and 30 something is a very normal age to have children?

None of your colleagues business re. your age and your pregnancy. I've got an 8 week old and I've just turned 35. I was having too much fun to have a child in my 20s and certainly would have struggled financially then too. My mum had me at 37 and my brother at 39, no problem like many other women who are mothers in their 30s and beyond.

They’re not being hurtful, they’re just discussing with you.
@LemonsOnTheMelons It’s not a discussion though is it? Or at least not a polite, friendly or helpful one.

Why are you supporting people who told the OP she should have had a baby in her 20s? What’s she supposed to do, go back in time? Spectacularly unhelpful thing to say.

I'm really sorry that this happened to you, they were rude and out of line in my opinion. Also I'm quite sure the average age of a first time mother is now around 30, so being 34 is hardly old. Yes, you may not have the energy you would have done in your early twenties, but you're hardly decrepit and frail at 34. Even if you were 44, their response would have been out of order.

My aunt had her first child at 28 in USSR and all her cards were marked with "old age mother" but that was another century, another mentality, no available contraception etc. To say something like that to a woman from developed country in the 21st century is nonsense at the very least!

*all her records I mean. She was telling the story in another language and was referring to medical records written on paper cards, so I've got a bit of a brain cough in here.

These comments are beyond ridiculous... you're only 34, not 54

I'm sorry you work with such unkind people

Where on earth are you NOT getting discrimination from...if I man said this sort of rubbish to you, would you stand for it? No. So why is it ok for silly old fishwives with too much to say, to go around spoiling a happy moment in someone's day? Some people should learn to keep their gob shut. Conversation is one thing but passing judgement and telling someone what they "should have done in their twenties" is ridiculous behaviour. I would have a quiet word with them as they probably don't realise they they've upset you, it might make them think twice next time.

"you need to laugh it off"...omg. People like you are the problem!

PMSL at 34 being a really mature mother and 'too old.' 😆 Lovely age to have a baby that is! There are fors and against with having them young (like 18-22 say,) and fors and against to having them older - like 40+. But at the end of the day, 34 seems like quite a good age to have a first baby. (Or any subsequent ones.)

I would report this if it continues @Ebonythoughts I mean if someone was 16 or at the other end of the spectrum - 44-46 or so, I would think that is too young/too old, but I wouldn't say anything. Good grief! How rude!

I was talking to someone the other day about this - and she is 30 and got married in summer 2021 aged 28. She was with her husband for 8 years before getting married, and no-one ever said a thing about babies. The second they came back from their honeymoon, the 'when's the first baby coming along then' comments began! So tedious.

She is still being nagged and goaded by people even now. They say 'ooh, but you're 30! You MUST have a baby sooooooon! Or you will be sooo OLD!' She said out of all the people she knows who had more than one baby, not ONE of them had their last in their 20s. They all had their last at 32, or 35, or 39, and even 40-42. So why there is this pressure to pop out a baby as soon as you hit 21 (and DEFINITELY before 30!) just baffles me... As I said, there are advantages to having babies young, but also to having them a bit older, and 34 is a good age IMO.

34 isn’t old. 54 might be old IMO

https://instagram.com/drsterlingobgyn?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
This person might interest you OP. She’s a Dr who talks amongst other things about the benefits to children of having ‘older’ (over 35) parents.

All of this!!!!

Out of interest what is your workplace? Mine (all professionals so have had to spend time on education etc) it's unheard of to have a baby before 30s, many do in 40s