Hurtful comments about pregnancy

[Ebonythoughts]

Hi all,

So I’m 10+2 weeks with my first pregnancy and have only really hope my immediate family and my in laws to have their support, but yesterday some work colleagues noticed I was feeling really nauseous at work and were suss so I decided to be honest and tell them.

I really wish I didn’t. I’m 34 and this is my first child and every single one of these ladies just commented on my age and the challenges of having a baby as a “mature mother” with some horror stories, one even said to me “you should have just had a baby in your 20s so you could have the energy to raise it and play with it”. I ran to the bathroom and cried.

I know it’s ridiculous because my mother had me at 32 and I’m healthy, but just hearing negativity when you tell people your news is just heartbreaking. I don’t want anyone else outside my family to know now and I’m so worried about people’s unhelpful comments when I start to show.

I hope no one else has experienced this. Pregnancy is a blessing at any age, I wish people could understand that and be respectful.

They were being mean at worse and insensitive and a bit stupid at best, Op. The average age to have a baby in the U.K. is now almost 31. Women have been having babies in their 30s forever. Honestly can't believe someone would say something like that to a pregnant hormonal women. They are talking shit. I live in London and in the circles I move in it's rare to meet a women having a baby before 33/34 at the youngest. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Im due in about 8 weeks now and I'm older than you.
I had my eldest when I was a teenager.
Had my current youngest at 32.

Was fucked with both, age of mother aside, babies aren't known traditionally to allow their care givers much of a chance to sleep.

Your colleagues are gobshites. Fuck em.

and Congratulations! X

ive had 3 children in my 20s and one at 36… I actually found the one in my 30s easier! I wasn’t any more tired, but I was more settled, sorted, less anxious. In my twenties I ran around madly doing a million different things at once, meeting friends/working/exercising/stressing and the pregnancies felt never ending. In my 30s I finally learnt to relax and as a result the pregnancy was way nicer. And lots of energy for playing with my baby!

I would ignore their comments - they are really silly. I’ve had 2 children in my 30s and don’t feel old at all. Having children is hard work in general but there’s nothing about being 30-something that makes it automatically a lot harder.

There’s a certain type of person who had children in their 20s (not ALL people obviously, just some, a small proportion) and feels the need to point out how much ‘worse’ it is in your 30s - although everybody has a different experience and it depends on many factors.

Your colleagues don’t sound very nice.

30 plus is the usual age to have children these days.

If I were you I wouldn’t be discussing your pregnancy with them again.

Hope you feel better soon OP, nausea is the worst and it can make you feel down. Hopefully only a few more weeks till it eases 🤞

Just block out their rudeness and negativity. It's taken you 8 years to get here OP - don't let some ignorant bitches steal your joy. And I don't agree with the poster above who minimises it to just 'discussing'. It's such a personal thing and as you've rightly highlighted, nobody really knows how long someone has been trying or struggling with infertility (not that it justifies if if you hadn't).

I am 36 and pregnant with my first after 4 years of trying. I couldn't have 'just had a baby' in my twenties because I hadn't met the right stable life partner to share my life with at that time. I would have been messy, unstable and all over the place. I know I would.

I think sometimes women say these things to justify their own life choices or out of jealousy. Older mothers have advantages as often being calmer and more present for their children. I'm sure you will make a fantastic mum. OP.

I think their comments are really strange. I had my first earlier this year at 26, I do know quite a few people my age (friends, from uni/school, neighbours) that have had children already some even 2/3. But I felt 26 was young and I'm the youngest at all of the baby groups I go to. 30's is not old for a baby, ignore them and enjoy your pregnancy! My mum had me at 44!

They are rude
I had mine at 33 & 36 wasn’t ready before and had a great time living my life in my 20’s. There will be people who say yeah but we had ours in our 20’s so will be kid free in our 40’s. That’s great if that’s what you want but everyone has a choice of how to live their life and there are things you can’t do in your 40’s that you do in your 20’s so it’s swings and round abouts there are positives to both

Your colleagues are being ridiculous! My mum was 36 having her first child, and had 5 in total (last at 44). She's healthy now at 93.
I was 47 having my twins - wonder what your colleagues would say about that! I flew through pregnancy - no symptoms at all - so no reason that pregnancy has to be harder in your 30s (never mind late-40s).

That's amazing @Apollonia1

Strange colleagues. I know more women who had babies in their 40s than 20s, the lions share were in their 30s. Unless you’ve been down a mine for the last 20 years I doubt your bodies any less up to it than in your 20s

OP 34 is not old! Currently 39 and 8 weeks. (And feeling like utter crap) 😅. Your colleagues are idiots. I’m sure they didn’t actually mean to be unkind, but at best they were being insensitive. As another user pointed out, you have no idea what someone else has been through to get pregnant and the only thing to do is say congrats and keep your mouth shut!!
please don’t worry about sharing your news . 34 is not old, is totally average for having a baby. No one will think twice xxx

This is such bullshit, 34 perfectly reasonable and normal age to have a baby. To me it’s still on the younger side of average - the only people I know who had kids in their 20s were those who didn’t seek out careers or academia 🤷‍♀️

Me personally, a short sharp “WTAF you’re a rude arsehole, never comment on my body, health or pregnancy again or I’ll report you to HR” would have shut that straight down but I appreciate not everyone has the confidence to say stuff like that.

Im sorry OP, pregnancy is such a lush thing to experience and having these morons devalue yours is disgusting.

People should just shut their mouths. I had my son at 32 and am trying again this year at 36 so come on granny 👵 mummies lets be having you! 😂😂 absolute tosh don’t listen to their unwanted advice their probably just sad bastards who want to bring other people down, that’s what sad bastards do.

Congratulations lovely! You’re about to start the most amazing ride there is, Motherhood ❤️

I am 32 and pregnant with my first child. I am 27 weeks pregnant. I am classed as a "mature" mother at any clinics I attend etc. I think that the person I was in my 20s and the person I was with wasn't a healthy or suitable environment to raise a child. Now I'm older and with the right person the circumstances are right. It's not about age it's about timing. Regardless of age any child is a blessing and your colleagues are rude!

Take care ❤️

I've never heard anything so ridiculous. What nasty bitches. I had my second at 42. I was neither old or tired. Indeed it was a much easier pregnancy and birth than my first at 29. Take absolutely no notice of them. You're at a perfectly normal age to have a baby. Congratulations

@Hibiscrubbed You don’t think calling people cunts is aggressive?

I spoke to lots of doctors, consultants, midwives and other health professionals. They all disagree with you, and I would take the words of a trusted health professional over that of a random on the internet.

Had my 1st at 36 & just had my second (11 month old) at 40. They are talking nonsense. Ignore

I was 34 when I had my first (36 with second and 38 with third). I don't think anyone ever said anything like this to me as my parents had me at a very similar age and most of my friends were having babies around the same time. It didn't ever occur to me that it was old. Don't give it another thought OP

I was 30 with my first baby and was the first to get pregnant among all my colleagues, family, friends of same age so it's shocking they think that's mature, let alone comment on it. You will have plenty energy.

Thank you all for the reassuring messages. Went into work this morning and my anxiety was quite high. I told 3 people yesterday but now it seems the whole office (30) people know which I didn’t want but I guess I have no control over it now. Had some congratulations, from my male colleagues but only one out of 7 female colleagues came up to me. The 3 I told yesterday just looked at me annoyed and one walked pasts me a whispered “if you need to cry again, just go home”.

I don’t have the energy to tell them to bore off so I’m just keeping my head down and focusing on my work. I feel to sick and tired to respond.

Tbh I think their first hurtful step was the suspicion around whether you were pregnant in the first place which lead to you telling them. It just shouldn’t be something that is discussed in that way at work unless the person volunteers the information without any pressure to do so.

They sound horribly insensitive OP.

And would probably have still made shitty comments if you were in your 20s. I had my first at 26 and got loads of ‘but you’re so young!’, ‘was it planned’ and ‘didn’t you want to go on more holidays first’. It was all quite silly, I had been married for a few years, had a professional job and owned a house 😂 Not exactly a teen pregnancy!

In our NCT group I was the youngest by about 10 years! I’m surprised anyone thinks 34 is old for a baby.

I’m afraid pregnancy brings out the worst in others some times.

Op you need to shut down any further discussions around your pregnancy. Just don't respond or smile and nod. People will soon get the idea that you don't want to engage in conversations with them about it.

Congratulations as well 💐

I had my first at 35 and second at 37. I thoroughly enjoyed my childfree 20s and early 30s.

OP are these women jealous because you’ve had so many years of being young and carefree that they didn’t get? Or are they really young and just have no clue about life?!

one walked pasts me a whispered “if you need to cry again, just go home”

Op this is bullying. You could tell yourself that their initial comments were just insensitive chatter but this is outright mean and they knew it because they whispered it.

Please escalate this, even if it’s just a chat with a mentor. Adults shouldn’t treat each other like this.