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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

SINGLE MUM AND PREGNANT AGAIN

76 replies

rosepetals2023 · 02/07/2023 16:41

Hi ladies,
Looking for some advice. I have a 2 year old DS from previous marriage. Have been in a short relationship and was on the pill. Ended it after he kept accusing me of cheating (completely untrue) and later found out he had been seeing another woman which is probably why he kept accusing me. He kept mentioning to come off the pill and that he wanted kids but I refused as it was far too early and I continued taking it.

Despite being on the pill I’ve found out I’m pregnant a week after splitting. I told him straight away and did a test infront of him which came up positive. He still didn’t believe me, he then started saying if I am it’s not his. He is adamant I have an abortion and wants to attend to prove I go through with it (I do not want him attending ).

I just don’t think I could go through with it 😔I’m only 4 weeks but the thought of it haunts me.

On the other hand, I wonder how I would cope financially? I’m looking for work but on UC at the moment. However I do have some savings (all been declared to UC). I keep thinking I would be tied to this man for 18 years. I’ve come to terms with the fact I would most likely be doing it alone and would happily not put him on BC or chase him for maintenance.

What would you do in this situation? Any advice much appreciated, my head is all over the place at the moment.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 02/07/2023 16:48

What a tough situation. If it was me I would have an abortion as I really wouldn't want to be tied to an ex like that, but appreciate it's a very personal decision.
Either way I would have counselling to help process everything.
Good luck with everything

heartbroken22 · 02/07/2023 16:53

I agree with blue jelly. He sounds psychotic and controlling. I wouldn't want a baby with a pest like that.

SideWonder · 02/07/2023 16:56

I’d terminate. You can’t deny a child contact with its father, nor can you deny the father contact with his child.

18 years of being tied to a lying twat?

SideWonder · 02/07/2023 16:58

And there’s also the impact of that tie to a twat on your existing child. Could be quite difficult on that child.

Find a better time and partner for another child if you want more. At the moment, your pregnancy is not even a foetus - it’s a clump of cells.

Paperbagsaremine · 02/07/2023 16:59

What would I do?
You never know until it is you.
But I'd be tempted to quietly get the abortion pill asap, not tell anyone, and after a while say I had a miscarriage and it's too upsetting to discuss. Which would technically be true, even though I would have induced the miscarriage.

There are certainly lots of posts elsewhere on MN that talk about early medical abortions are like which may be worth reading to help you think through what you want.

If I did have the baby - like a lot of posters are going to say, put a claim in with CMS but register baby on my own so he has to make some effort before getting PR.

Original poster

rosepetals2023 · 02/07/2023 17:09

Thanks ladies, unfortunately I think you’re all right, termination seems the most sensible idea.😞 Does anyone know what the process is? I read up on BPAS that they can deliver the pills after a medical consultation. Does anyone have experience how long the process takes from ringing them or by going through a GP? Thanks again

OP posts:

MrsMarzetti · 02/07/2023 17:09

If i was in your situation i would be taking the tablets this week. The Father sounds lousy. In the future you may find a great guy but would a great guy want to take on 2 children by 2 different men and then go on to have child/ren with you. I know it's harsh but it is the reality. Think hard about how you deal with this.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 02/07/2023 17:15

I would have an abortion if I was in your shoes. Ensure you take up the counselling services that should be provided through BPAS or whichever organisation you use.

CornishTiger · 02/07/2023 17:17

I’d be ringing Bpas and thankful not to be tied to him.

ArseMenagerie · 02/07/2023 17:18

You would be tied to this clown for the rest of your life. I’d call bpas for advice and if it were me I would terminate https://www.bpas.org/. Not easy for you x

Original poster

rosepetals2023 · 02/07/2023 17:21

Thanks for the advice, does anyone know how long the process usually takes with BPAS? Hoping I don’t have to wait weeks 😔

OP posts:

Ems1992 · 02/07/2023 17:46

i echo what everyone else says.

my husband and I terminated last august due to various factors and I went through our local GUM clinic. I had a telephone consultation and as I was under 9 weeks I just collected the medication from the reception when it was ready. It was not a traumatic experience for me (although everyone is different) I had light bleeding afterwards. We don’t regret it, and don’t really think about it now… We did spend some time deliberating it, but the quality of life we would all have had (we have a big mortgage and I was due to start a new job so no maternity leave!) it was the best for us all. Good luck x

CornishTiger · 02/07/2023 17:48

Don’t know about bpas but also Google nhs abortion services in your area - might be on your local sexual health website. I know in this area women can self refer.

Original poster

rosepetals2023 · 02/07/2023 20:36

Thanks ladies, the more I think about it the more upset I get.😞 I previously had fertility problems so in some ways I worry I won’t have the chance to become pregnant again.

Such a hard decision, especially when he is not showing any support. I’ll contact BPAS tomorrow anyways to learn more about the process. X

OP posts:

anony1111 · 02/07/2023 20:53

Hi @rosepetals2023

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I just wanted to come on and say you have to do what is right for you, if you have an abortion can you cope mentally with that? And also if you keep the baby can you deal with being tied to this man for the next 18 years.

I am currently going through a very similar situation, everyone was telling me to get an abortion but in the end I have decided that I am going to keep my baby and I will bring him/her up myself. My baby will have all the love and care they will need from me and my family.
I couldn't personally go through with a termination due to a number of reasons. It's not something I could cope with and I knew I would regret it.
Only YOU can make the right decision.

I'm sending love and strength to you x

slipperypenguin · 02/07/2023 20:56

It's not always just about what makes sense practically. Are you strong enough and mentally able to cope with the emotional aftermath of having an abortion, particularly as it already sounds like you are unsure?

Chameleons39 · 02/07/2023 21:04

I'll be honest I know this is someone you one loved and possibly still do but It sounds like there's more to him and I get the impression he is an absolute arse. If you're going to have the child I suggest you move away or without a doubt he is going to impact you and your child as they grow up and I'm sure you could give them a good life

PickledScrump · 02/07/2023 21:36

Personally I know I wouldn’t be able to go through with an abortion. That’s what it all comes down to in the end, you personally. It’s fine everyone saying you should have one, but you are the one that has to go through with it and live with it afterwards. You can have a consultation about an abortion but can still choose not to so it may be a good idea to do that and then make an informed choice

GingerFox2021 · 02/07/2023 23:42

Do what you feel it’s right for you. If he doesn’t show any interest, don’t chase him and don’t ask for anything, you can raise your child on your own. Think how you might feel after abortion, guilt, regret - try to go through these feelings.
Guilt is very dangerous sometimes, and not all women cope in the same way. The situation is tough, but do what you feel it’s right for you. After all, you have to live your life, not others. You have to make a decision you are comfortable with.
If you are not sure, don’t rush into any decision and explore your feelings.

LadyJ2023 · 02/07/2023 23:59

I couldn't go thru a termination. Some say a lump of cells but to me it's still a living thing the minute those cells create something and a baby didn't ask to be created

creativebutterfly · 03/07/2023 00:03

Heartless beings on this thread. I got pregnant with my first when I'd had a fling. Told the dad and he accused me of this that and the other with everyone else long story short he blocked me and I kept the baby and found love soon after resulting in two more beautiful children yes it was hard being a single mum for awhile but no way could I have terminated the baby and it was right timing to have a child anyway I understand it may not be that way for everyone. But remember you have options so I'd either book an appt with your gp or sexual health clinic.

Biscuitandacuppa · 03/07/2023 00:13

In your shoes I would terminate the pregnancy, can you afford another child without it impacting on your dc? Look at it from a practical standpoint, do you have enough space, how will it affect your future work plans? Will you still be able to afford a decent quality of life or will you be really pushed for money? Life on UC isn’t the easy street many people think it is and the cost of living crisis isn’t going to disappear overnight.

Do you have local support? Are you prepared to go through paternity testing and shared access with your ex? Right now he is pushing for an abortion but he may well change his mind after the birth.

Also a newborn is hard work, are you going to be able to cope with love parenting two children? Be honest with yourself and if you can see a path through and want the baby then go for it, but if you can’t then terminate the pregnancy. Either way access some counselling to support you through this.

Biscuitandacuppa · 03/07/2023 00:14

*lone parenting

ikno · 03/07/2023 00:16

Honestly I would consider an abortion in your situation. It’s not an ideal situation to bring a child into. You’re going to be reliant on the state, essentially raising a child in poverty, as the extra money you’ll get from UC won’t truly account for your extra expenses - how will you make up the shortfall? particularly in a cost of living crisis as it’s going to be more expensive having a baby now than it was with your son. Your savings won’t go far.

I’d focus on life with you and your son for now, trying to set him up with the best possible future and curating a close relationship. Your attention won’t really be on him with another child/pregnancy. You can and will get pregnant again and have another baby, maybe just give it a year and see where you’re at in life then?

Also it’s not just about looking after a newborn by yourself in isolation. In reality, you might have to deal with your ex and his family being horrible for the next 18 years as they may want to be involved whilst simultaneously disliking you. It doesn’t make sense for you not to make a CMS claim in your situation either, you’ll need the money.

Gardenhair · 03/07/2023 00:31

I'll probably get flamed like crazy but I would talk to close friends and family and have a think, it's very one sided on here. Good luck op.

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