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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

SINGLE MUM AND PREGNANT AGAIN

76 replies

rosepetals2023 · 02/07/2023 16:41

Hi ladies,
Looking for some advice. I have a 2 year old DS from previous marriage. Have been in a short relationship and was on the pill. Ended it after he kept accusing me of cheating (completely untrue) and later found out he had been seeing another woman which is probably why he kept accusing me. He kept mentioning to come off the pill and that he wanted kids but I refused as it was far too early and I continued taking it.

Despite being on the pill I’ve found out I’m pregnant a week after splitting. I told him straight away and did a test infront of him which came up positive. He still didn’t believe me, he then started saying if I am it’s not his. He is adamant I have an abortion and wants to attend to prove I go through with it (I do not want him attending ).

I just don’t think I could go through with it 😔I’m only 4 weeks but the thought of it haunts me.

On the other hand, I wonder how I would cope financially? I’m looking for work but on UC at the moment. However I do have some savings (all been declared to UC). I keep thinking I would be tied to this man for 18 years. I’ve come to terms with the fact I would most likely be doing it alone and would happily not put him on BC or chase him for maintenance.

What would you do in this situation? Any advice much appreciated, my head is all over the place at the moment.

OP posts:
SideWonder · 11/07/2023 14:05

The ex has told me not to update him how the consultation or procedure as he has booked a last minute holiday for tomorrow and doesn’t want to be disturbed

He's showing you who he is, and what sort of a character he has.

cheezncrackers · 11/07/2023 14:18

The ex has told me not to update him how the consultation or procedure as he has booked a last-minute holiday for tomorrow and doesn’t want to be disturbed

Wow! What an utter fuckwit! OP you're doing the right thing by terminating. No way do you want to be tied to an idiot like that and it's not 'just' 18 years. If you have a DC with someone, that person will be in your life forever. My DPs have been divorced for 40 years and they're still in each other's lives! I'd want a clean break and to never have to deal with this unpleasant individual again. I also wouldn't want to be responsible for perpetuating his genes!

Ems1992 · 11/07/2023 14:25

@rosepetals2023

I was 8 weeks when I had a termination and did not have a scan as I was sure of my dates. I had a telephone consultation and collected the medication. Once the initial appointment is done it’s pretty fast to be honest in regards to getting the medication. For me it was the waiting for the consultation, I think mine was around 2 weeks, it was torture!

Original poster
rosepetals2023 · 11/07/2023 15:26

Thanks guys, I really am doing this with a heavy heart and know I will feel so guilty afterwards but realistically thinking it seems the best option.
It would be different if the X was in any way supportive but he really has shown his true colours. He also said if I keep it, he will deny it’s his and move country so isn’t made to pay CM (I never once brung it up to him). He was also jealous of my civil coparenting with my XH and deemed it abnormal (our only form of communication is videos/pictures/updates of DS) so can imagine he would be a nightmare to coparent with.
Wish I had never got in this situation 😔

OP posts:
Skinthin · 11/07/2023 15:50

Sending love OP. Your feelings are understandable but just know you have done nothing wrong , no choice is wrong, and none of this is your fault xxx

cheezncrackers · 11/07/2023 15:58

Wish I had never got in this situation 😔

Yeah, I think that's normal OP. No one WANTS to have a termination. People have terminations because something has gone wrong. Be kind to yourself. You didn't ask for this. You were on contraception, trying to prevent this from happening and yet it did. And your ex is being a complete twat about it.

I remember reading something Caitlin Moran wrote about abortion in her book 'How to be a Woman' and it was something like 'If you just wish you could wake up tomorrow and not be pregnant any more, then you're doing the right thing by terminating'. And it sounds like, pretty much, that's where you're at Flowers

Original poster
rosepetals2023 · 11/07/2023 18:11

Thank you all. I definitely don’t want this but it seems the best option for DS and I given the circumstances 😞. BPAS actually rang this afternoon saying they had a last minute cancellation today and I chickened out and said I would keep my original appointment, dreading the actual consultation.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 11/07/2023 18:45

You should also get a sexual health check OP. You know your ex was seeing someone else and it was a short relationship anyway, so always best to have a full health screen if you've had unprotected sex.

Original poster
rosepetals2023 · 11/07/2023 19:25

@cheezncrackers yes definitely will do. I had one at the beginning of the relationship which was negative but you’re right there is always the risk seeing as he’s been playing around! I feel sorry for the woman he’s with now. I’m pretty certain she doesn’t have a clue he was with me at the same time!

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/07/2023 22:28

rosepetals2023 · 02/07/2023 17:09

Thanks ladies, unfortunately I think you’re all right, termination seems the most sensible idea.😞 Does anyone know what the process is? I read up on BPAS that they can deliver the pills after a medical consultation. Does anyone have experience how long the process takes from ringing them or by going through a GP? Thanks again

If you contact Marie stopes or bpas they can put you in touch with a free counsellor who is trained to help you make the decision, and also make sure you're at peace with it if you do go ahead with termination. I did this a few years ago and they really helped me.

Don't have him there with you, just tell him it's done then block him.
You do need to confide in a friend and arrange child care, the cramps might make you sick and they are pretty intense.

IF you do want to keep the baby then don't put him on the birth certificate

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/07/2023 22:29

anony1111 · 02/07/2023 20:53

Hi @rosepetals2023

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I just wanted to come on and say you have to do what is right for you, if you have an abortion can you cope mentally with that? And also if you keep the baby can you deal with being tied to this man for the next 18 years.

I am currently going through a very similar situation, everyone was telling me to get an abortion but in the end I have decided that I am going to keep my baby and I will bring him/her up myself. My baby will have all the love and care they will need from me and my family.
I couldn't personally go through with a termination due to a number of reasons. It's not something I could cope with and I knew I would regret it.
Only YOU can make the right decision.

I'm sending love and strength to you x

I've been a single mum since pregnancy if you have any questions or need advice x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/07/2023 22:29

slipperypenguin · 02/07/2023 20:56

It's not always just about what makes sense practically. Are you strong enough and mentally able to cope with the emotional aftermath of having an abortion, particularly as it already sounds like you are unsure?

I am of the view that it's better to regret and abortion than to regret bringing a child into the world

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/07/2023 22:31

rosepetals2023 · 03/07/2023 11:03

Thank you all for your advice. 😊If I were to book an appointment with BPAS, do I still need to inform the GP/midwife I’m pregnant now? Would there be repercussions if I cancelled the termination and continued the pregnancy once it’s already booked (would the midwife look at it as an unwanted pregnancy?). I lived abroad while pregnant with DS so not sure how the procedures work here.

No you've got very right to change your mind, and the hospital midwife wouldn't need to ever know you'd considered it (so many pregnancies are unplanned it would be a normal situation thoigh)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/07/2023 22:32

SideWonder · 11/07/2023 14:02

abortion regret is incredibly painful and traumatic

Not all women experience "abortion regret" - stop scaring the OP. It's really not fair. Her decision is hard enough, without the drama llama overstatement.

Good luck @rosepetals2023 Flowers

That's correct, most women don't regret it most women feel sadness and major relief

RudsyFarmer · 11/07/2023 22:37

Oh god he sounds absolutely vile. The thought of being tied to him for a lifetime would be enough for me to terminate the pregnancy. Just do what you need to do and block him for ever.

Skinthin · 12/07/2023 18:59

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/07/2023 22:32

That's correct, most women don't regret it most women feel sadness and major relief

Show quote history

Oh I’m so glad we have you to tell us how “most women feel” about such a deeply personal choice.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 19:13

@Skinthin your response is very sarcastic- 'most women' is according to research evidence.
This counters the claim of the anti choice groups that lie and say most women are traumatized and regret it etc

Nousername4now · 12/07/2023 19:18

rosepetals2023 · 02/07/2023 17:09

Thanks ladies, unfortunately I think you’re all right, termination seems the most sensible idea.😞 Does anyone know what the process is? I read up on BPAS that they can deliver the pills after a medical consultation. Does anyone have experience how long the process takes from ringing them or by going through a GP? Thanks again

Don't do anything you don't want to do at the end of the day this sint your first time being a single mum, if you still want to to go ahead with the termination make sure it's for you and your child's best interest not because of your ex.

scaredorganicyoghurt · 12/07/2023 19:34

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 19:13

@Skinthin your response is very sarcastic- 'most women' is according to research evidence.
This counters the claim of the anti choice groups that lie and say most women are traumatized and regret it etc

Those "statistics" are what my boyfriend and his psychologist used to convince me to terminate a pregnancy, and I can guarantee that it has destroyed me. I'm not who I was before it and I will never be again. I can't stand it when other women come along and trot out the "women are always happy and relieved after a termination, just do it", it's irresponsible, and it's also always trotted out in response to a woman who said that she deeply regretted hers.

OP I hope you make the decision that brings you the most peace. Your ex is a massive total arsehole and I hope he stays out of your life no matter what decision you make. You aren't alone, many women have been in your position before. You will get through it no matter what you decide xxx

scaredorganicyoghurt · 12/07/2023 19:37

@Unexpectedlysinglemum sorry that was a harsh message. I guess seeing these termination posts still affects me very strongly even now.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 19:40

scaredorganicyoghurt · 12/07/2023 19:37

@Unexpectedlysinglemum sorry that was a harsh message. I guess seeing these termination posts still affects me very strongly even now.

So sorry you went through that :-(

Those who like you were coerced into not going through with a pregnancy that they would have wanted to keep of course will be traumatized, I hope you've had access to support and healing xxx

drpet49 · 12/07/2023 19:45

ikno · 03/07/2023 00:16

Honestly I would consider an abortion in your situation. It’s not an ideal situation to bring a child into. You’re going to be reliant on the state, essentially raising a child in poverty, as the extra money you’ll get from UC won’t truly account for your extra expenses - how will you make up the shortfall? particularly in a cost of living crisis as it’s going to be more expensive having a baby now than it was with your son. Your savings won’t go far.

I’d focus on life with you and your son for now, trying to set him up with the best possible future and curating a close relationship. Your attention won’t really be on him with another child/pregnancy. You can and will get pregnant again and have another baby, maybe just give it a year and see where you’re at in life then?

Also it’s not just about looking after a newborn by yourself in isolation. In reality, you might have to deal with your ex and his family being horrible for the next 18 years as they may want to be involved whilst simultaneously disliking you. It doesn’t make sense for you not to make a CMS claim in your situation either, you’ll need the money.

All of this.

User68253 · 12/07/2023 19:53

Clearly he is so freaked out because if you continue the pregnancy, his current girlfriend will know he was seeing you the same time as him. Honestly, I'd be very tempted to send her screen shots of messages, so she knows he is not only a liar and a cheat, but that he has the capacity to be so uncaring and self centred. How dare he treat you like this, leaving you to go through the termination with no support while he swans off on holiday with the other woman.

Skinthin · 12/07/2023 20:14

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 19:13

@Skinthin your response is very sarcastic- 'most women' is according to research evidence.
This counters the claim of the anti choice groups that lie and say most women are traumatized and regret it etc

It’s an absolutely ridiculous statistic to trot out. As ridiculous as saying “most women” are traumatised and regret it. Obviously how you feel about an abortion is deeply personal and dependent on so many important factors - like was it your choice or something you did because you felt you had no choice.

Skinthin · 12/07/2023 20:15

scaredorganicyoghurt · 12/07/2023 19:34

Those "statistics" are what my boyfriend and his psychologist used to convince me to terminate a pregnancy, and I can guarantee that it has destroyed me. I'm not who I was before it and I will never be again. I can't stand it when other women come along and trot out the "women are always happy and relieved after a termination, just do it", it's irresponsible, and it's also always trotted out in response to a woman who said that she deeply regretted hers.

OP I hope you make the decision that brings you the most peace. Your ex is a massive total arsehole and I hope he stays out of your life no matter what decision you make. You aren't alone, many women have been in your position before. You will get through it no matter what you decide xxx

Show quote history

Exactly. Thank you for sharing this, and I’m so sorry for what you have been through. 💜