SINGLE MUM AND PREGNANT AGAIN

[rosepetals2023]

Hi ladies,
Looking for some advice. I have a 2 year old DS from previous marriage. Have been in a short relationship and was on the pill. Ended it after he kept accusing me of cheating (completely untrue) and later found out he had been seeing another woman which is probably why he kept accusing me. He kept mentioning to come off the pill and that he wanted kids but I refused as it was far too early and I continued taking it.

Despite being on the pill I’ve found out I’m pregnant a week after splitting. I told him straight away and did a test infront of him which came up positive. He still didn’t believe me, he then started saying if I am it’s not his. He is adamant I have an abortion and wants to attend to prove I go through with it (I do not want him attending ).

I just don’t think I could go through with it 😔I’m only 4 weeks but the thought of it haunts me.

On the other hand, I wonder how I would cope financially? I’m looking for work but on UC at the moment. However I do have some savings (all been declared to UC). I keep thinking I would be tied to this man for 18 years. I’ve come to terms with the fact I would most likely be doing it alone and would happily not put him on BC or chase him for maintenance.

What would you do in this situation? Any advice much appreciated, my head is all over the place at the moment.

This op.

Sorry you’re in this situation. You have to choose what’s best for you. I think the worst situation wouldn’t be being abandoned by this man but for him to be involved as he sounds quite controlling. Personally I couldn’t deal with someone like him for the rest of my life.

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Thank you all for your advice. 😊If I were to book an appointment with BPAS, do I still need to inform the GP/midwife I’m pregnant now? Would there be repercussions if I cancelled the termination and continued the pregnancy once it’s already booked (would the midwife look at it as an unwanted pregnancy?). I lived abroad while pregnant with DS so not sure how the procedures work here.

@rosepetals2023 you only contact midwife if deciding to continue with pregnancy. There will not be any repercussions. They would not look at it as an unwanted pregnancy as you have chosen to continue it. There are maternity mental health teams in place now if you needed any extra support during your pregnancy if you decided to continue so you can make the most of them if you feel it needed.

No you don't have to tell the gp or midwife. They won't ever know until you tell them. If you do change ur mind they don't see you until 9-10 weeks anyway.

With mine I rang the abortion clinic and got an appointment and yes they do send the pills or if you were really sick (vomiting) like me you can go pick them up.

I think the overwhelming advice on Mumsnet will always be to terminate. If that’s the right choice for you then that’s fine but you don’t sound sure and no one should ever have an abortion they don’t 100% want. Can you access counselling? You’ve got a bit of time before you have to make any big decisions.

If your oldest is 2 would be quite a good age gap. You get support from government for 2 children but not three. Depends if the father would be a pain all the rest of your life

You don't need to inform the GP and it won't be on your medical records unless you want it to be. Likewise if you changed your mind.

There is absolutely no shame in early termination and it's just like a very early miscarriage... you'll need a day at home in bed after and then a heavy period.

Big hugs xxx

I wouldnt
Youll be so hard up
Not fair on the baby to not have a decent father from day zero
Get a job and maybe another time will be better

I would abort too. It’s about your quality of life and your current child too. You are not employed at the moment, you could end up taking years out of work for pregnancy and to care for your kids without input from the dad.

If I were in this position I would abort, get a job and get on my feet and get myself sorted before entertaining another relationship.

Well I was in that situation and had a medical abortion, at about 3 weeks which was absolutely fine by the way. The reason was I couldn't be tied to a man I couldn't trust (again)

But I didn't speak to him about it.

But looking back I would speak to the man and if he was going to be completely hands off I'd have had the baby.

As for financials. Just factually UC is pretty decent with another child, you wouldn't even be expected to work and could use the time to build your skills so that when the child is school age you could start earning better.

Heartless? What an odd response.

Anyway. I would terminate OP, and then thank my lucky stars that I caught it so early, especially having been on the pill so not expecting to fall pregnant.

@rosepetals2023 i know you asked but please don’t let people’s view’s influence you.

Have some counselling and as a few others have said you need to do what’s right for you.

You don’t want to have regret, either way by listening to others, who will forget they even responded and have no consequences themselves, it has to be a decision you are at peace with.

Is it heartless? Really? There is a mass of cells - it's not even a foetus let alone a baby.

The other view: raising a child as a lone parent, with concomitant limited resources of time, energy, mental health and money. Tied to a potentially (if not actually) abusive man, definitely a liar.

Relying on limited state resources, and all the hoops to be jumped through, plus limiting retirement income. Or being reliant on the grace & favour of above said abusive liar.

The impact on your actual child, not just of a smaller sibling, but reference above limited resources - your exhaustion and isolation, as much as lack of money/space & time, will have an effect on your actual child.

And I'd say it's even more heartless to put moral pressure on a woman terminating a pregnancy. Having a termination is hard enough, without calling someone heartless for doing it or advocating it.

Heartless to terminate? I'd say that, considred rationally, to go ahead with this pregnancy is the more heartless choice.

But I know this isn't just a rational decision OP.

Good luck with whatever you decide And not all women regret having a termination; many women breathe a sigh of relief, or are positively content in having terminated an unplanned, unwanted accidental conception.

I would have an abortion. I would never want to bring a child into this world with a father like that and I would feel I was jeopardizing the fragile peace of my fist child by introducing this new part time/hostile father person into the family. Court ordered time, money, contact for one child and not the other creates massive inequalities between the siblings, chaos in the home, and makes finding a permanent partner even more difficult.

OP this is a very personal decision. Focus on what you want and give yourself a little time. Just because others on here say an abortion is right for them doesn't mean it's (necessarily) right for you. I just worry that you're being swayed too much by others opinions. It's your decision and whatever you want to do is fine. It doesn’t matter a bit what others would do.

In your situation I would have an abortion. You already have a 2 year old and are getting UC.
At the moment your not working but when your child is a bit older you could go back to education, do course that lead to employment or get a job.
The father of this baby says the child is not his. You saw that he was a twat before this and ended things with him. You then found out you were pregnant. This man won't support or help you.
I would not bring a child into a situation like because it making your own and the child you already have lives harder. It will tie you to this man for years also.
I can also tell that long term you want more for you and your child than been on universal credit and trying to manage on a low income.

Have an abortion. Tell him you had a miscarriage. Then I would look into what help you can get re getting back into education, courses ect that will get you back into employment in time.

Hi OP, please don’t make a decision you may regret due to comments from strangers in the internet. Do what is right for you, your baby and your DC. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

I know a woman who became pregnant in this sort of situation with a man who turned out to be very unpleasant. She's due next week and terrified of what the future holds as the bloke is making all sorts of threats of going to court for 50% custody etc. and she doesn't trust him to look after the child well at all. She is dreading the baby arriving.

It's a terrible situation to be in and one you would be subjecting your DS to the stress this would bring as well as yourself and the new baby. I'd put your feeling of stability and the security of a settled homelife for your DS above everything else.

If you're desperate for another child, consider using an official donor via a spermbank (not a dodgy website).

Thanks guys and sorry for the late response, have my BPAS consultation tomorrow. Can anyone advise what the wait usually is and is a scan compulsory if you’re 5 weeks? ( that’s the part I’m dreading the most and will also need to arrange childcare for it).

Really wish I didn’t have to go through with it but seems like the most sensible choice at the moment 😞 The ex has told me not to update him how the consultation or procedure as he has booked a last minute holiday for tomorrow and doesn’t want to be disturbed..

I am always shocked af at the number of people on these threads who are willing to advise abortion.
OP this is SUCH a personal decision. Whatever you choose in your heart is valid. If you want this baby then have it, do not be swayed by external factors, abortion regret is incredibly painful and traumatic. Equally if you feel in your heart that a termination is the right course, then of course that is valid too. 💜 just look inside your heart. Cut out the external noise and think about what you really feel/ want.

I was in a similar situation but we were together 18m. He forced me to terminate and isolated me to the point I thought I had no options, couldn't even confide in my family. He attended the termination and it honestly destroyed me for years after that. The combination of abuse and guilt I really did struggle. I'm nearly 15 years on and have finally accepted it was for the best but it was a long time before I ever felt anywhere close to being over it. Try and speak to a close family member or friend before you make any decisions. It's your choice not his and I'll never let myself be put in that situation again.

abortion regret is incredibly painful and traumatic

Not all women experience "abortion regret" - stop scaring the OP. It's really not fair. Her decision is hard enough, without the drama llama overstatement.

Good luck @rosepetals2023

Don’t be ridiculous I never said all women experience abortion regret. I’ve had an abortion and don’t regret it at all. But women who have abortions when they don’t want to, who feel they don’t have a choice, who do so out of pressure, may experience regret and it can be incredibly traumatic . It’s utterly irresponsible to advise another woman to get an abortion as the objectively correct decision, and anyone doing so should be ashamed of themselves. It’s a deeply personal choice and can only be made by the OP.