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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Worried about telling my children I'm pregnant.

94 replies

Ellen08 · 20/05/2023 11:40

Hi,
I'm new to Mumsnet so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right lol but I'm looking for advice. I recently got back in touch with an ex who I had been seeing casually on and off for the past 5 years. I found out 2 years ago he was living with another woman and she was pregnant, I cut ties with him when I found this out. However I started talking to him again and he is no longer with the woman so I agreed to meet with him and all the feelings came back. Anyway I'm now 8w4d pregnant with his child. He has said he will be there for me but we're not officially in a relationship and I'm not feeling very supported by him tbh. He has 4 children to 3 different women 2 who live with him full time and don't see their mums and the other 2 live with their mum. I have 3 boys who are 14,12 and 11 and they live with me full time and have no contact with their dad. My children don't particularly like the man I'm pregnant with and I feel like I've got myself into a really sticky situation. I'm so worried about how they will react. Has anyone been in a similar situation to this? If so when did you tell your children about the pregnancy and how did you all cope? I know this is along post but I hope it makes sense, my mind is all over the place.

OP posts:
ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 20/05/2023 11:45

Your poor children. Imagine being stuck in this absolute shit show.

Thesearmsofmine · 20/05/2023 11:47

I’m sorry if this is blunt but I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy if I were in this situation. I wouldn’t want to bring a child into what already sounds like a complicated situation with various siblings dotted about and a father who seems to be very irresponsible with regards to contraception. I would also have an STI check.

Dedodee · 20/05/2023 11:47

You are in a difficult situation.
In your place I would do what's best for the dc you already have. The ex will never be reliable.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 20/05/2023 11:49

Thesearmsofmine · 20/05/2023 11:47

I’m sorry if this is blunt but I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy if I were in this situation. I wouldn’t want to bring a child into what already sounds like a complicated situation with various siblings dotted about and a father who seems to be very irresponsible with regards to contraception. I would also have an STI check.

I would hardly just blame the father for being irresponsible with contraception, I don't think the OP has been overly bothered either!

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 20/05/2023 11:49

The above comment is really unhelpful. First of all, you have options should you wish to consider them. Secondly, you need to make a plan because this man isn't going to stick around be the supportive bloke he says he will be. I know that sounds harsh but it's just true. You don't need to tell your children yet, you've got time to get your head round things and I'd personally ensure I'd had at least my 12 week scan before i told them. You could potentially cause a lot of upset and not end up with a full term, healthy pregnancy at the end of it at this stage. Prepare for them to be upset/disappointed, support them, be open, discuss it, don't disagree with their opinions and know that this will get better. They might be cross short term, but very few people hate a new born baby. Good luck x

Anaemiafog · 20/05/2023 11:50

Honestly, in your situation I would terminate the pregnancy.

WandaWonder · 20/05/2023 11:51

Thesearmsofmine · 20/05/2023 11:47

I’m sorry if this is blunt but I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy if I were in this situation. I wouldn’t want to bring a child into what already sounds like a complicated situation with various siblings dotted about and a father who seems to be very irresponsible with regards to contraception. I would also have an STI check.

Why is just up to him?, op stop doing this to your children

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 20/05/2023 11:54

You already have 7 children between you; do either of you really need another one?

Having a baby when your three DC are in senior school is not going to be good for you or them.

They'll potentially be doing exams whilst a screaming baby keeps them up all night, or having to spend more time with a man who you admit yourself they don't like (& probably for good reasons).

Is this really fair on them? Is your house (& bank balance) big enough for a fourth child without being detrimental to your first 3?

GoodLies · 20/05/2023 11:54

You’re not even in a relationship and he’s untrustworthy? How do you actually feel about having a baby and what do you want from him?

GrazingSheep · 20/05/2023 11:55

Do you want to continue with the pregnancy?

maranella · 20/05/2023 11:57

God, what a shit situation. OP, if I were you I'd get a termination and an STI check and then I'd stop seeing this feckless loser and focus on the three kids I already had. And in future, be responsible. You must know about contraception, surely?

Thesearmsofmine · 20/05/2023 11:57

For those questioning why I bought up him being irresponsible with contraception and not the OP, the reason is right there in her post.
He already has 4 children with 3 different women and now he has another woman pregnant. He is clearly irresponsible and is not going to change his ways and will likely continue the same pattern, bringing more children into the world with different women which as I said is not a life I would want to bring a child into. A complicated messy family.
OP should absolutely have used contraception with him.

VivaVivaa · 20/05/2023 12:01

In your situation I won’t tell my DC anything. I’d get a termination, stop seeing this man permanently and get a long acting form of contraception fitted + an STI check.

WandaWonder · 20/05/2023 12:03

Thesearmsofmine · 20/05/2023 11:57

For those questioning why I bought up him being irresponsible with contraception and not the OP, the reason is right there in her post.
He already has 4 children with 3 different women and now he has another woman pregnant. He is clearly irresponsible and is not going to change his ways and will likely continue the same pattern, bringing more children into the world with different women which as I said is not a life I would want to bring a child into. A complicated messy family.
OP should absolutely have used contraception with him.

Yes but he could have 300 children like Boris Johnson does not stop the op one being the pregnant one

People can demand equality all they want until AI can make men pregnant women are the one that get pregnant

Superdupes · 20/05/2023 12:03

If I was in this situation I'd be having a termination, getting the implant and binning off the crappy non boyfriend who is happy to get women pregnant left, right and centre.
He was cheating on the other woman he got pregnant with you, why would you ever get back in touch with him after that? Work on your boundaries and self respect.

Thesearmsofmine · 20/05/2023 12:06

WandaWonder · 20/05/2023 12:03

Yes but he could have 300 children like Boris Johnson does not stop the op one being the pregnant one

People can demand equality all they want until AI can make men pregnant women are the one that get pregnant

Show quote history

Your comment makes no sense. I think we all understand that OP is the pregnant one 🙄

Littlefish · 20/05/2023 12:08

Neither of you should be having more children.

In your situation I would have a termination.

Jomummy1013 · 20/05/2023 12:10

What if the OP doesn't want to terminate the pregnancy? I can't see in her original post that she is asking for opinions on having a termination, she wants advice on how to manage telling her sons.
Agreed, it's not an ideal situation, in fact it's a shit situation, but it's one many people have been in. Good luck OP with whatever you choose to do x

lunar1 · 20/05/2023 12:13

I think if you continue with the pregnancy you need to assure your existing children that this man will never need to be part of their lives. Don't have him in their home.

I feel for all the very many children caught up in this mess.

Original poster
Ellen08 · 20/05/2023 12:23

Firstly I have been responsible in terms of contraception, I had the copper coil for 10 years and only recently got it removed. I wasn't in a relationship or seeing anyone at the time of removal. We used condoms at the time I fell pregnant which is why it's all such a shock. I know I have the choice of termination but I don't think I could go through with it after experiencing a loss with my childrens father.
I do have a big enough house to accommodate a new baby. I just don't know whether to put my feelings aside for this man and do it alone or give him a chance to prove that he has changed, I know I sound very naive and irresponsible but I just wanted other people's perspectives on the situation so I can maybe think a bit clearer. This is not a situation I had planned to be in. Would it be unfair to my other children to continue the pregnancy if this man was not part of our lives.

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 20/05/2023 12:30

Would it be unfair to my other children to continue the pregnancy if this man was not part of our lives

I think it would be unfair to continue this pregnancy either way to be honest. But if you are opposed to termination, I think you should go it alone as opposed to trying to make it work with someone who sounds highly unreliable and who your children don’t like, whilst also caring for a new baby. Giving relationships a chance because an unexpected pregnancy has happened is usually a recipe for disaster.

LinesAndDot · 20/05/2023 12:35

I think it would be unfair to continue this pregnancy if you were in a relationship with this man or not.

If you are in one - you say they dislike him, so it is bringing someone into their lives they dislike.

if you aren’t in one - then your attention will have to be more on the baby than your older teens, as (understandably) your baby will need it more in the early years. But this will be a big change for your other children, who will suddenly feel like the baby is taking you away from them and time with them.

Katrinawaves · 20/05/2023 12:35

In what way can he prove he has changed if his response to getting a third woman pregnant is to tell her that they are not in a relationship? You already don’t feel supported and the child hasn’t even been born.

You are fantasising about a future which isn’t on offer to you. Your choices currently are to have the child as a single mother and expect no or only very limited support or to terminate. I’d think about this one very carefully before it gets too late for a first trimester termination as to leave it later than this would be extremely traumatic for you.

HoppingPavlova · 20/05/2023 12:37

Would it be unfair to my other children to continue the pregnancy if this man was not part of our lives

Ot would be unfair to your children either way. Unfair if he IS in their lives given they dislike him (with good reason from what you have written). Unfair if he is not there as they are stuck in the continuing shot show with yet another child added in, they will have a sibling who has half siblings spread across four households due to the adults in their lives being irresponsible dicks. Either scenario, him being in their lives or not, YOUR relationship with your your kids is going to take a massive hit, and at some of their ages, there will likely be no coming back from that.

maranella · 20/05/2023 12:39

I know I sound very naive and irresponsible

Yes, you do.