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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Worried about telling my children I'm pregnant.

94 replies

Ellen08 · 20/05/2023 11:40

Hi,
I'm new to Mumsnet so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right lol but I'm looking for advice. I recently got back in touch with an ex who I had been seeing casually on and off for the past 5 years. I found out 2 years ago he was living with another woman and she was pregnant, I cut ties with him when I found this out. However I started talking to him again and he is no longer with the woman so I agreed to meet with him and all the feelings came back. Anyway I'm now 8w4d pregnant with his child. He has said he will be there for me but we're not officially in a relationship and I'm not feeling very supported by him tbh. He has 4 children to 3 different women 2 who live with him full time and don't see their mums and the other 2 live with their mum. I have 3 boys who are 14,12 and 11 and they live with me full time and have no contact with their dad. My children don't particularly like the man I'm pregnant with and I feel like I've got myself into a really sticky situation. I'm so worried about how they will react. Has anyone been in a similar situation to this? If so when did you tell your children about the pregnancy and how did you all cope? I know this is along post but I hope it makes sense, my mind is all over the place.

OP posts:
Madeintowerhamlets · 20/05/2023 12:40

Would it be unfair to my other children to continue the pregnancy if this man was not part of our lives.
I think it would OP- sorry.

Bobshhh · 20/05/2023 12:40

I’d prioritise the children you already have rather than bringing conflict, uncertainty and confusion into their lives now.

The fact they don’t like him should tell you a lot.

AuntieMarys · 20/05/2023 12:42

Your existing children don't need this. I despair of women sometimes

crew2022 · 20/05/2023 12:46

OP read this back to yourself
"He has said he will be there for me but we're not officially in a relationship and I'm not feeling very supported by him tbh"

Do what's best for you and your three children. This Nan will not bring anything to your life or theirs.

Honestly he's not going to change.
You will be a single parent with four children.
It will be complicated by three children not liking their siblings father.

At best it's going to be tricky for you, at worst your children are all going to resent you for bad choices and the impact of these choices.

chickenpiehashbrown · 20/05/2023 12:46

Can you afford another child between you?

lunar1 · 20/05/2023 12:50

You don't get dot decide if he's part of your life, he does. He can ignore you and the baby, or he can take you to court for 50:50 parenting, or anything in between.

Why on earth though do you thing your DC would want a man they don't like anywhere near their life? Why would you put them through that?

DelphiniumBlue · 20/05/2023 12:51

He's not reliable, he's not going to stick around and your dc don't like him.
Are you really sure you want to proceed with this pregnancy?

Polkadottyas · 20/05/2023 12:51

Thesearmsofmine · 20/05/2023 11:47

I’m sorry if this is blunt but I wouldn’t continue with the pregnancy if I were in this situation. I wouldn’t want to bring a child into what already sounds like a complicated situation with various siblings dotted about and a father who seems to be very irresponsible with regards to contraception. I would also have an STI check.

I'm afraid I'd take the same decision here too

mybestchildismycat · 20/05/2023 12:53

I'm sorry OP but I cannot see any way in which having a baby with an unreliable man who your children don't like will be anything other than a bad thing for your existing children. I have three children of similar ages and they need me more than ever as they navigate their teenage years. If I had a baby now it would be bloody awful for them.

Polkadottyas · 20/05/2023 12:54

Also your three need you. You sound like you might be holding out hope of this man being involved but it doesn't sound likely he'll change now. It's easy for him to impregnate and not be around but will be so much more involved for you.

mybestchildismycat · 20/05/2023 12:56

Would it be unfair to my other children to continue the pregnancy if this man was not part of our lives.

This is actually one of the least worst scenarios of you continue with the pregnancy. He could make you and your children's lives absolute hell if he demands to be involved on his own terms.

Whataretheodds · 20/05/2023 12:56

In what way does he think he's going to be 'there for you'?

Aprilsh0wers · 20/05/2023 12:59

It would be unfair on the current DC to continue the pregnancy. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s what I believe to be true based on the detail you have given. Sometimes the head needs to overrule the heart for the benefit of the children you already have.

PerfectYear321 · 20/05/2023 13:00

I'm someone who has always thought I'd struggle to have an abortion but in this situation I absolutely would.

Apart from anything, how are you going to afford this as a single parent (which you absolutely need to go into this assuming you will be)? Unless you are a super- high earner maternity leave and then childcare fees will be crippling.

And you still need to maintain the kids you already have. Will this mean your current kids will miss out on things like help towards uni, driving lessons etc etc etc? They might not expect this but it would give them an awesome head start in life. Life will be difficult for this young generation.

What is your financial situation?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 20/05/2023 13:02

Anaemiafog · 20/05/2023 11:50

Honestly, in your situation I would terminate the pregnancy.

Same.

clpsmum · 20/05/2023 13:04

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 20/05/2023 11:45

Your poor children. Imagine being stuck in this absolute shit show.

This. What a selfish pair. I wouldn't advise continuing with the pregnancy. Think about the children you already have and get some self respect while you're at it

GoodChat · 20/05/2023 13:04

Your children don't like him. In your position, it'd be worse for the children if you were to pursue a relationship with him than it would for you to go it alone.

Can you afford to raise the baby on your own?

roarfeckingroarr · 20/05/2023 13:05

I think it would be fairer to your children for you to do it alone. This man is not good news.

SomePosters · 20/05/2023 13:07

give him a chance to show he’s changed?

please tell me you don’t believe that!

Prioritise the children you have over this feckless twat and a collection of cells

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 20/05/2023 13:07

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 20/05/2023 11:45

Your poor children. Imagine being stuck in this absolute shit show.

This. If this continues, OPs kids will be out of there as quickly as possible.

BelindaBears · 20/05/2023 13:07

roarfeckingroarr · 20/05/2023 13:05

I think it would be fairer to your children for you to do it alone. This man is not good news.

I agree with this. Ultimately I don’t think I’d be continuing with this pregnancy but if you do decide to, then I’d go into clear that you will be a single parent.

pippys · 20/05/2023 13:09

This is so unfair on your children. You are their sole parent and will have to attend to a baby mostly on your own. I would not continue with the pregnancy to save my relationships with the older boys.

SquishyGloopyBum · 20/05/2023 13:09

Put your existing children first.

They dislike him. He sounds awful.

I'm sorry but your children will resent you having this baby. Whether he is in its life or not.

Honestly, you need to wake up and fast.

GoodChat · 20/05/2023 13:10

SquishyGloopyBum · 20/05/2023 13:09

Put your existing children first.

They dislike him. He sounds awful.

I'm sorry but your children will resent you having this baby. Whether he is in its life or not.

Honestly, you need to wake up and fast.

Why will they resent the baby? They might be happy to have another sibling.

KateTheEighth · 20/05/2023 13:11

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 20/05/2023 11:45

Your poor children. Imagine being stuck in this absolute shit show.

I agree

In your position I would terminate the pregnancy, block him, get a more reliable form of contraception and work on my self esteem

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