Worried about telling my children I'm pregnant.

[Ellen08]

Hi,
I'm new to Mumsnet so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right lol but I'm looking for advice. I recently got back in touch with an ex who I had been seeing casually on and off for the past 5 years. I found out 2 years ago he was living with another woman and she was pregnant, I cut ties with him when I found this out. However I started talking to him again and he is no longer with the woman so I agreed to meet with him and all the feelings came back. Anyway I'm now 8w4d pregnant with his child. He has said he will be there for me but we're not officially in a relationship and I'm not feeling very supported by him tbh. He has 4 children to 3 different women 2 who live with him full time and don't see their mums and the other 2 live with their mum. I have 3 boys who are 14,12 and 11 and they live with me full time and have no contact with their dad. My children don't particularly like the man I'm pregnant with and I feel like I've got myself into a really sticky situation. I'm so worried about how they will react. Has anyone been in a similar situation to this? If so when did you tell your children about the pregnancy and how did you all cope? I know this is along post but I hope it makes sense, my mind is all over the place.

I’m another who would seriously consider termination in your shoes.

Between you, you’ll have 8 children across four mothers and two fathers.

That’s a hell of a situation to involve your children in.

It's always hard feeling as though you're walking away from effort and time invested in something - as you have with this guy. That doesn't mean that you should carry on throwing yourself into it.

Judge his actions rather than his words. He's not supporting you and will struggle to do so practically or emotionally given that he has 2 kids full time at home.

What a bloody mess you have made. Now you need to be honest with yourself and start making some grown up adult decisions. This man does not give a stuff about you or the pregnancy. Your children don't like him. You are already a single mum to 2 children and he is a single dad to 4 with 3 women, what a catch! This poor baby will have mixed up chaotic life, so many half siblings, many they will probably never know. Please do the right thing for all the children involved.

Don't be ridiculous

☝️this

This.

Focus on the kids you already have, minimise the (no doubt already substantial) emotional trauma that will be with them forever.

Just be better. For fucks sake.

Termination. No question about it. And fast.

OP unless you earn a lot of money so your other 3 children won't experience a drop in their living standards if you have another baby, and we all know how expensive a new baby is, they won't be happy. You would be bringing a new baby into a situation where their 3 older siblings would be resentful of them. This man is clearly not trustworthy. Your existing children don't like him so him being involved with the new baby would not work. Your children would likely resent you for having a new baby too. Do you really want a baby? I would struggle with an abortion but in this situation I would force myself to do it.

I’m sorry you are in this situation op. You must feel torn in to a thousand pieces.

This is a bit of a different answer I suppose. I would definitely ditch the bloke as he sounds like he will bring you a sea of pain and disappointment.

Then I would make a decision about the baby separately based on my finances and whether I could manage to support it by myself along with my other three dc.

I disagree that teen boys will automatically resent a baby. Someone I know with three teen boys has just had a late baby girl and they all adore her. But you need to make this decision with the good of your entire family in mind.

The problem with that though is the OP can't decide to put the father "out the picture" if he demands to be involved.

Did your friends three teen boys also dispise the little girls father?

@tolerable

More importantly-your kids dont like him... take him out your picture. Is the prospect of telling your kids your having a baby.without introducing a unwelcome adult into equation ANY easier?

She can't jusy unilaterally 'take him out of the picture' though. She is tied to him as the father of the child for the next 18 years. Removing him from the picture isn't her call to make.

Therefore if she goes ahead, this man her kids hate will be in their orbit for at least the rest of their teen years, at a minimum as their half sibling's dad.

She needs to make a decision that factors in this bloke being part of her children's lives. I personally couldn't go ahead with it based on the information she's given but of course it's 100% her choice.

There is a question about it as OP is questioning it. You can't demand someone has an abortion.

ok- unilaterally- cut dad out might not be viable.
even so.
he says will "support" so that HAS to include staying outside ops family circle and respecting she does whats best for ALL her kids. contact arrangements do NOT have to be a issue...
Op doesnt have to eliminate him from the babes life-THATS entirely on him.(and
HER kids wont fare any better from having what -is against her own wishes REALLY termination. ... NOBODY (regardless of all the condemnation spouted all over this post)should be pressured to terminate a baby they are actually inclined to have.Yes its gonny be difficult, kids might not be initially thrilled.dunno how can describe a lil bro\sis as any sorta "suffering"_shes had 3 /no dad on scene so far. whilst unplanned it doesnt HAVE to be absolutely awful. or impossible.
OP.my kids are 15 years apart.different fathers. i was terrified to tell ds1. i had NO idea how he would react-it wasnt something id considered,planned,or anyone expected.
i got lucky-he didnt say much but zero objection.walked past school and into maternity ward the day ds2 appeared. fell in love instantly and has been\always will be the best big bro EVER.
whichever way you jump-gony effect\affect YOU as the adult in charge/main caregiver. Answer to no one but yourself. ..Do whats right for you.

@tolerable

he says will "support" so that HAS to include staying outside ops family circle and respecting she does whats best for ALL her kids. contact arrangements do NOT have to be a issue...

But none of that is a given.

His behaviour doesn't 'HAVE' to include anything OP wants.

One would hope he would respect her wishes but the point is that she cannot force him to and frankly based on his lack of personal responsibility and ability to put sensible decisions before unprotected sex (they can't all have been broken condoms) thus far in his adult life, I wouldn't bet on him being a stellar example of child centric coparenting.

Contact arrangements do 'NOT have to be an issue' you say. Well of course they don't have to be. But they may well be and OP needs to seriously consider all possible outcomes when it comes to being tied to this guy for 18 years, not just the best case scenario that he's happy to go along with whatever she feels is best for her older kids.

Don’t be an arse

Oh gosh. I didn’t realise.

You should tell this to yourself

I agree