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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Worried about telling my children I'm pregnant.

94 replies

Ellen08 · 20/05/2023 11:40

Hi,
I'm new to Mumsnet so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right lol but I'm looking for advice. I recently got back in touch with an ex who I had been seeing casually on and off for the past 5 years. I found out 2 years ago he was living with another woman and she was pregnant, I cut ties with him when I found this out. However I started talking to him again and he is no longer with the woman so I agreed to meet with him and all the feelings came back. Anyway I'm now 8w4d pregnant with his child. He has said he will be there for me but we're not officially in a relationship and I'm not feeling very supported by him tbh. He has 4 children to 3 different women 2 who live with him full time and don't see their mums and the other 2 live with their mum. I have 3 boys who are 14,12 and 11 and they live with me full time and have no contact with their dad. My children don't particularly like the man I'm pregnant with and I feel like I've got myself into a really sticky situation. I'm so worried about how they will react. Has anyone been in a similar situation to this? If so when did you tell your children about the pregnancy and how did you all cope? I know this is along post but I hope it makes sense, my mind is all over the place.

OP posts:
Minihippyme89 · 20/05/2023 13:12

Your children don’t like him and now you’re going to force them to be linked to him for at least 18 years, stop thinking about yourself and put your existing children first.

ladykale · 20/05/2023 13:12

@Ellen08 do you have enough income to cover your living expenses if the father has nothing to do with the baby?

Babymamamama · 20/05/2023 13:14

Do you think getting pregnant by him is suddenly going to change him into a responsible attentive baby father? Honestly? Focus on your children who you already have. Why complicate the situation further?

SquishyGloopyBum · 20/05/2023 13:14

@GoodChat the op has effectively 3 teenage boys. How interested are they going to be in a baby? And a baby to someone they don't even like. The op has posted saying she's worried about telling them.

A new baby is going to take up ops income, time etc. everything they know is about to change.

I think it's a reasonable assumption to make that they will resent it. I would have done at that age.

MayThe4th · 20/05/2023 13:16

Does this prince among men pay any attention to the four children. He’s already fathered?

And aside from your existing children, what kind of life would you be bringing this baby into. With seven siblings and counting, with a father who clearly doesn’t know the meaning of keeping his dick in his pants, and who may or may not walk in and out of its life.

I don’t think there are many circumstances in which I would have a termination, but I would in this instance.

And tbh, I question the judgement of someone who is happy to shag a man who already has four children by x amount of women and who it would seem has little to do with them.

Whattodo112222 · 20/05/2023 13:17

Op. 4 kids by 3 different women just says it all

standardduck · 20/05/2023 13:22

4 kids with 3 different women, you are not in a relationship, but you think he is going to change and be with you.

I think if you want to keep the baby, you'll be all alone. You should think about your existing children and how it's going to affect them.

What if he doesn't want to be when you, but want to have your child 50:50 (presumably so he doesn't need to pay any child support)? Will you be happy with that?

Sorry to sound harsh, but you are being so naive.

GrazingSheep · 20/05/2023 13:25

Does this prince among men pay any attention to the four children. He’s already fathered?

If you read the very first post you will see that 2 of children live with him full time and they don’t see their mothers.

WaltzingWaters · 20/05/2023 13:25

As almost everyone has said, as hard as a termination is, I think this is a situation where it would be for the best for all involved.

If you don’t terminate though, there is no point in trying to have a relationship with this man who clearly is never going to change, and who your kids already don’t like. You would be going it alone, possibly with him having visitation to the baby if he chooses. But a relationship just is never going to work out long term, surely you know that.

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, I wouldn’t tell them until you’ve had the 12 week scan.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 20/05/2023 13:26

I think it would be unfair to your existing children to continue the pregnancy.

TwilightSkies · 20/05/2023 13:26

I think it would be unfair to your children.

Can you afford another child? What positives would it bring to your existing children’s lives?

Mythicalcreatures · 20/05/2023 13:31

If you want to put your existing children first you would have a termination

MammaTo · 20/05/2023 13:33

You’d be baby mama number 4 - what story do you think he told the other 3? He’d support them etc.

You need to think about your poor kids and the new baby potentially being brought into this situation. Why would you want another baby to have no dad?

Original poster
Ellen08 · 20/05/2023 13:33

He wants to be with me and be in a relationship. He wanted this before I found out I was pregnant and still does. I don't feel supported because any time I try to have a conversation on how having a baby is going to affect everyone around us he changes the subject or says we'll talk later. I am uncertain of whether I wanted to be in a relationship with him because of the past and whether my children would accept it or not, obviously if my children didn't accept me seeing him I would cut contact with him.

He does play an active role in his other childrens lives, 2 of them live with him full time. The other 2 he sees regularly at weekends.

After reading everyone's opinions, I feel a lot clearer on how being in a relationship with him isn't going to work. However the thought of termination is really quite difficult. I have a lot to think about.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 20/05/2023 13:35

It would be unfair to your almost teenagers to have a sibling disrupt this time in their lives where they will need your imput even more and to a man they detest no less.

If you continue with the pregnancy and decide to not involve the father ( not entirely up to you either btw ) it would be unfair to keep them away from their other parent to keep the peace overall.

You can't win here op, the best option for everyone including you is to terminate the pregnancy and get some therapy to help you not fall into making poor relationship choices with shitty men.

You've already got 3 children, focus on them and doing the best for them before it's too late.

7eleven · 20/05/2023 13:41

Oh dear. Anyone who thinks condoms are a reliable form of contraception needs to wise up. For goodness sake. All these children!

GoodChat · 20/05/2023 13:43

7eleven · 20/05/2023 13:41

Oh dear. Anyone who thinks condoms are a reliable form of contraception needs to wise up. For goodness sake. All these children!

That's not really helpful. The OP's already pregnant.

maranella · 20/05/2023 13:44

However the thought of termination is really quite difficult.

Is it really more difficult than raising another DC to adulthood, one that will have a feckless arse for a father?

I appreciate that no woman terminates a pregnancy without thought, but your situation is a perfect example of why termination has to be freely available. An unplanned pregnancy to two people whose contraception failed, who aren't in a relationship, and who already have seven DC between them.

orangegato · 20/05/2023 13:54

A termination is a horrible thing to go through, and no one does it lightly.

It’s about deciding whether it’s worse than upending the lives of your existing children. I can tell you from experience it is a MESS. Not just for 18 years either, it alters relationships for life.

Cotswoldmama · 20/05/2023 13:56

What @maranella said 👆 I've been married for 12 years with my husband for 21 years and have 2 kids 7&10 and if my contraception failed I'd be having a termination because another child would not be in the best interests of any of my family. I've also been a step sibling and calf sibling with a 12 year age gap I know how hard it can be, I wouldn't put my children through that.

Ihadenough22 · 20/05/2023 14:01

You already have 3 boys of 11,12 and 14. What about them and their lives over over the next 10 year's? They are coming up to or going through the hormonal years of changing from a child to a man. They are in senior school. They will need your help and guidance getting through state exams and with the planning of what to do after this. Along with this it would be nice if you could help them out a bit financially with say doing driving lessons, buying a 1st car, help with buying a home ect as it's far harder to do these things now than years ago.

Along with this they don't like this prince among men that your involved with. This man has 4 children with 3 different woman. Most woman would avoid getting involved with him. When they found out his track record he be dumped. Instead you get pregnant by him and then think that it a good idea to keep going with this pregnancy.
This baby daddy won't change. He won't offer you a relationship, support and if he already has 4 kids with 3 different woman he has no money to help you out either.

So when your kids find out that your pregnant they are not going to be happy and long term your relationship with them won't be good. I can't see your own family and friends been to impressed with this situation either.

It time for you to wake up, take some responsibility and get an abortion because long term your just going to ruin so many peoples lives if you have this mans baby.
Your kids deserve better than you getting involved with this baby daddy's ongoing shit show.

mybestchildismycat · 20/05/2023 14:13

obviously if my children didn't accept me seeing him I would cut contact with him.

But if you have his baby you will simply not be able to do this. You will be tied together for the next 18 years, whether you like it or not, and it is inconceivable that you could coparent with him is a way that would avoid him having any contact at all with your existing children.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/05/2023 14:20

Do your 3 boys have good relationships with adult family members or friends besides yourself and their absent dad? It's going to be very difficult splitting yourself as a single parent between a baby/toddler and teenagers who will need adult guidance in different ways.

tsmainsqueeze · 20/05/2023 14:24

I am pro choice and in your situation i think i would terminate , you say that your boys aren't keen on this man , this would be a massive problem for me pregnancy or not , and i don't think its fair on them to tie him to your family for life.

tolerable · 20/05/2023 14:36

op- no judgement from me.on how you got there ..its where youre at. ...
you arent likely to terminate.he ISNT likely to change.More importantly-your kids dont like him... take him out your picture.
Is the prospect of telling your kids your having a baby.without introducing a unwelcome adult into equation ANY easier?