Baby abroad Spain - sister not willing to help

[Arena5]

Hi All

im posting here because I’m not brave enough and probably a bit too emotional fragile to withstand the wrath of AIBU right now 😂. That said I would like to get some outside perspective on whether I am behind unreasonable.

My parents have a second holiday home in Spain and have suggested we could use it this summer after having our second baby. We’re really lucky that my partner has 16 weeks paternity leave and so with baby being due 19 May we’ll be off together until 12 September. The only thing is the dates we want to go (4-11) my sister has already asked for and is unwilling to swap with us.

The reason we are being so specific about dates is that we would really like to wait until baby had had at least their 8 and 12 week vaccinations (due mid July and mid August). Perhaps I’m being OTT on that point but I’d feel safer going abroad and on a plane with all that circulated air at least knowing they had that protection. We also are aware that with strikes the waiting time for getting a passport this summer is 10 weeks (and you first have to get a birth certificate which takes circa 2 weeks). So it’ll probably take until August to get one. So that leaves us with September and my partner doesn’t want to ask for another weeks annual leave just after taking 16 weeks because his job were quite funny about him taking the full 16 weeks (even though it’s one of the company perks).

So we’re stuck really with only being able to use 4-11 Sept which is when my sister has already asked to use it. So we’ve asked if she could swap and go a week later 12-19 but she doesn’t want to because her boyfriend has booked the leave off. It’s warm throughout September and no flight have been booked.

Now I understand we would be asking him to inconvinience himself by asking to swap his annual leave dates. But it feels like a fairly minor inconvenience and I also see it being a huge problem. He works in a large public sector team, he’d be asking to make the swap (by one week) 5 months in advance and its outside of peak holiday season.

By contrast if we can’t go we’ll prob book somewhere else with our 2 year old and our then 3 month old. It’ll obviously be more costly. Also as a family of four with two very young children it would be much less stressful to go to my parents as they have lots of baby equipment there already, we’re familiar with it and there’s on site shop there with formula and nappies. My parents are also there until 3 Sept so if my sister swaps weeks with us we’ll actually probably go a few days early to have some time with them and it would be so reassuring to know they’d be waiting at the airport to welcome us after we do our first flight with a newborn and two year old.

My sister and her partner by contrast are early 20s no children, both still live at home and spend most of them free time (understandably going out having fun). My partner and I on the other hand have had a really stressful year where both of us have been ill (he mental health and myself with a chronic illness which has flared up over pregnancy and we’ve been juggling full time stressful jobs alongside our very very active two year old.

Any other year it won’t matter when we go it’s just this year when we’re having a baby that’s made our dates so restricted. I can’t get past that it feels so mean for my sister to refuse to budge. And parents attitude is not our fight keep us out of it.

So can I ask am I being unreasonable?

First World problems. Mind you, child isn't even born yet and you're already using them as a reason to gain priority.

I think YABU but I get why you're disappointed. In some of my jobs summer AL was ferociously booked off super early by all the parents so as a childless person you had hardly any chance whatsoever of getting time off used to really annoy and tbh now I have dc I still think it's wrong.
But it would mean that I could not change my summer leave at any point after getting it without jeopardising my chances of any summer leave. I wouldn't have changed this for my sister and just because you would for her doesn't mean you're right about changing it.

Good luck with the baby op I'm sure you'll work it all out.

YABU. Your dates are not restricted at all, and lots of babies travel when they are very young. The vaccination thing is irrelevant so either go earlier in the year or go somewhere else in September - it's really not difficult.

Oh give over. You're making yourself sound so hard done by. Go buy your own holiday home if you're that fussy about dates. So entitled, most people wouldn't be sitting planning a holiday for a 3 month old anyway. Glad your priorities are straight.

All thanks for the all the responses so far. For me personally I don’t want to travel abroad on a plane before the initial vaccinations, it’s a personal choice. And I don’t want to go in August to Spain during the hottest time of the year. So I really have taken on board everyone comments and we won’t be going. We’re going to make alternative arrangements and there’s no need to have any further conversation with my sister as I’ve asked, she’s said no and that’s literally the extent of the conversation. I’ll be honest I’m little overwhelmed now still getting in comments so hopefully people will see this

Yeah potentially I am feeling the strain of being 8 months pregnant working full time with a toddler suffering from an active chronic illness which has flared up in pregnancy making me feeling very unwell and my partner being ill in terms of his mental health which he has never suffered with before. No, none of that is my sisters fault. Perhaps though Ivam just feeling overwhelmed and it’s affected my view of things and how I might rationalise normally. I also think there’s a point now where people are just sticking the boot in and I canst stress enough that I have asked my sister once, she’s said no and now we are making alternative plans

Why not holiday in the UK? I would have loved my dh to have lo have longer than two weeks paternity when our second arrived - there's so many things you can do, not least just spending time with each other and your lovely children.

I'd go back in aa heartbeat to when mine were that little. Any travel abroad will be more stressful than staying home or holidaying in the UK.

Keep it simple and stay home would be my vote!

Plying devil's advocate here a bit - is it possible that the sister and/or her partner have constraints on when they can take their leave? If not directly, then tying in with their colleagues' leave booking etc,

Book an Airbnb then? It's not your sisters problem. She has planned in advance and partner booked leave.

And I hope all goes well - I felt exhausted when I was pregnant with my second, it's really hard on you, particularly when you have a health condition and your partner has been unwell too.

Just get through this bit and focus on that gorgeous squishy baby

Go the week before - it'll still be within time for vaccines and getting a new passport. Sorry but YABU

I think it’s all a moot point anyway as there’s no way you’re going to get a passport for you baby within your time frame.

Glad you’re making alternative arrangements OP. I think that’s the best thing you can do. I agree with PP who say it’s not unreasonable to ask, but it is unreasonable to expect. I have family abroad and parents own a holiday home in the UK so I know how tight dates can be when it comes to siblings. We all have children the same age (under 3) and I think it’ll become a nightmare when they’re at school! I’m also expecting a baby so trying to work out when we can do all the travelling. Most of the issues can be overcome if willing to wiggle eg we plan on going to visit family abroad for 6 weeks so vaccines won’t be at the “correct” time. DH is also considering taking his paternity leave a month after baby is due because that’s when the childcare arrangements for our older child change (reduction in nursery hours).

Ask Mumsnet to withdraw the thread OP.

Hope you find a holiday that suits and good luck on the birth of your baby.

I thought this. I could imagine the passport not arriving, holiday being cancelled and poor sister having rearranged her holiday for absolutely no reason

Hi @Arena5, the last bit of pregnancy is a slog but nearly there. I’m 8 months with a toddler and have finished up on work, I admire you’re ability to continue working! Nearly there!

I think MumsNet is very useful to ask if you are unreasonable or not and get some different perspectives. You asked, you’ve heard and realised that maybe you were unreasonable. I think some posters should remember that it’s an actual person reading the responses. A person who is currently in a highly emotional situation and feeling a bit down already.

Anyway, enjoy your UK holiday. We are booking CentreParcs for September. The toddler will love it!

@Sallyh87 thanks it has made me reflect on wanting to use mumsnet again for the purpose of getting perspective. I don’t think I would do it again.

I found quite a lot of the posts seemed dismissive or even ridiculing about my concerns about taking a baby abroad pre-vaccinations and I came away feeling quite stupid. I have since spoken this morning to my health visitor and consultant (as I had an appointment today) and both said it’s a personal choice but their view would be to wait until after at least the first set of vaccinations.

I have to admit it felt disappointing on a site like mumsnet that a concern or obstacle such as that has been so readily dismissed. Yet people have so readily accepted and supported that a request to move a weeks leave by one week 5 months in advance would cause major issues for someone with their employer. I now know its an issue in some workplaces but I’m not sure its necessarily reflective of the norm.

Im not going to post again on this and yes I will really enjoy wherever we end up going

Good luck @Arena5. It's shocked me how asking for a favour/giving a favour from/to your family seems to be such a foreign concept for so many people, and is instead seen as trying to assert some kind of priority. I'm happy that in my family, we are considerate of each other and flexible to each others needs, even if it inconveniences us.

I've also found it strange how people refer to "your kids" as not being your sisters problem, as though they are some random children on a bus, when they are your sisters nephews/nieces?!

I hope you get your break in some respect!

Just wanted to say @Arena5 that I think you've responded really graciously to a barrage of quite harsh comments. I know you're not wanting to respond further and that's fine - not expecting a reply. I just wanted to send some positivity and love your way. Wishing you all the best for your last bit of pregnancy. ❤️❤️❤️