Baby abroad Spain - sister not willing to help

[Arena5]

Hi All

im posting here because I’m not brave enough and probably a bit too emotional fragile to withstand the wrath of AIBU right now 😂. That said I would like to get some outside perspective on whether I am behind unreasonable.

My parents have a second holiday home in Spain and have suggested we could use it this summer after having our second baby. We’re really lucky that my partner has 16 weeks paternity leave and so with baby being due 19 May we’ll be off together until 12 September. The only thing is the dates we want to go (4-11) my sister has already asked for and is unwilling to swap with us.

The reason we are being so specific about dates is that we would really like to wait until baby had had at least their 8 and 12 week vaccinations (due mid July and mid August). Perhaps I’m being OTT on that point but I’d feel safer going abroad and on a plane with all that circulated air at least knowing they had that protection. We also are aware that with strikes the waiting time for getting a passport this summer is 10 weeks (and you first have to get a birth certificate which takes circa 2 weeks). So it’ll probably take until August to get one. So that leaves us with September and my partner doesn’t want to ask for another weeks annual leave just after taking 16 weeks because his job were quite funny about him taking the full 16 weeks (even though it’s one of the company perks).

So we’re stuck really with only being able to use 4-11 Sept which is when my sister has already asked to use it. So we’ve asked if she could swap and go a week later 12-19 but she doesn’t want to because her boyfriend has booked the leave off. It’s warm throughout September and no flight have been booked.

Now I understand we would be asking him to inconvinience himself by asking to swap his annual leave dates. But it feels like a fairly minor inconvenience and I also see it being a huge problem. He works in a large public sector team, he’d be asking to make the swap (by one week) 5 months in advance and its outside of peak holiday season.

By contrast if we can’t go we’ll prob book somewhere else with our 2 year old and our then 3 month old. It’ll obviously be more costly. Also as a family of four with two very young children it would be much less stressful to go to my parents as they have lots of baby equipment there already, we’re familiar with it and there’s on site shop there with formula and nappies. My parents are also there until 3 Sept so if my sister swaps weeks with us we’ll actually probably go a few days early to have some time with them and it would be so reassuring to know they’d be waiting at the airport to welcome us after we do our first flight with a newborn and two year old.

My sister and her partner by contrast are early 20s no children, both still live at home and spend most of them free time (understandably going out having fun). My partner and I on the other hand have had a really stressful year where both of us have been ill (he mental health and myself with a chronic illness which has flared up over pregnancy and we’ve been juggling full time stressful jobs alongside our very very active two year old.

Any other year it won’t matter when we go it’s just this year when we’re having a baby that’s made our dates so restricted. I can’t get past that it feels so mean for my sister to refuse to budge. And parents attitude is not our fight keep us out of it.

So can I ask am I being unreasonable?

Honestly just let it go and take your baby next year. Too much effort in my opinion.

What I would do is pay for my sister to stay close by somewhere nice. The villa is better for you to use as a family as it has the baby equipment. Your alternative is that you pay to stay elsewhere anyway.

Took a 9 month old to my parents place in Spain one September. He was fucking furious at the heat and it was hell even with all the baby stuff already there 😅

I also work in the public sector and could easily move my leave if I wanted to 🤷🏻‍♀️ I didn't realise other work places were so rigid...

If it’s any consolation it could have still been boiling in September.

Does your DH have to take his leave as a consecutive block? If not, he could go back to work within the 16 weeks for a couple of weeks and then take the remainder later in September?

Perhaps the boyfriend cannot just swop his annual leave like you think? What did your sister actually say to you OP?

I agree about the weather too.... 2 small kids in the boiling hot heat. I would wait until your baby has arrived and see how you get on with 2.

I am also a solo traveler with DS too since 19 months old!

@Beamur he does have to take it in a consecutive block and also it has to begin from the baby being born rather than being delayed. It’s a very new policy his work have just introduced. His managers were very taken aback that he actually opted to use it in full and after he decided to take it he got called in a week later to say a promotion (which had been agreed) was going to be delayed for another year. Which fine it’s happens all the time to women when they take maternity leave. But that’s why we don’t want to ask for another week after the 16 weeks. But I suppose my sister boyfriend might have pressures in his work too. Although he will be leaving his current job as he does have a new (really good) job guaranteed (where they have a long list of apprentices) but there’s isn’t an opening until Jan next year (or thereabouts)

@Comii9 just that they didnt like the idea about him asking to swap. It was a very brief conversation as she was leaving and I didn’t really react/respond because I wanted to think on it first. Yeah perhaps it would be too hot. We’ll prob do a UK caravan hol its looking like

Where I work once you have annual leave authorised you can't retract it. Don't assume it can be easily changed.

You can ask but if they don't want to change you need to accept it. You snooze you lose I'm afraid.

You’re being unreasonable
your sister asked first and booked it. She shouldn’t have to rearrange because you had a baby. That does not give you priority.

asking once Is fine, but I’d be pissed if my sister looked down on me the way you do.

OP I think YANBU at all and I would be a bit gutted if my sibling wasn't willing to budge and at least try since it was the only week you could do. But as others said she is entitled to say no if its a first come first served, is the boyfriend a bit unapproachable? Could that be the problem here?

Also when I took my mat leave my work actually insisted I take my accrued holidays straight after returning maybe it will be the same for your partner? I mean your partner could just enquire to see if taking an extra week is even a problem would his work really be shirty with him for even daring to ask?

Jesus wept.

i can’t with people today

That’s not remotely fine.

@LovePoppy i mean it didn’t feel great at all and I think it’s contributed a lot to his stress and not feeling well but I suppose I am saying we’ve had to work past it and accept it. But yeah the work place isn’t the most accommodating. Perhaps my sister partners though isn’t either - it’s just we’re both government workers so I think I (perhaps) wrongly assumed it would be the same for him in terms of being able to easily swap leave if it was asked for well in advance. But I now know from reading other peoples replies that’s obviously a luxury I’ve taken for granted!

it would have been a nice treat to go somewhere so familiar after a tough year and after the rollercoaster rod those first 3 months as a newborn. But I know she got there first and that’s how it works
Sorry but this sounds very martyrdom, please don't speak about it like this to dsis/parents as imagine they'll be guilt tripped into just not going abroad then.

I think YABVU. You're asking for them to change annual leave due to you deciding on a very specific date based on a set of circumstances that you are estimating the timescale for.

Baby could quite reasonably be born two weeks either side of your due date.

Most recent DC's birth certificate was issued instantly at registration. Others up thread are saying theirs took weeks due to a backlog.

Passports can be 2-12 weeks.

If I were your sister, I would be rolling my eyes. Have they booked flights? Pet sitters? Declined invitations? I think you're very wrapped up in you PFB and they're not even here yet.

🤣🤣🤣

Well it was worth asking, but she said no. Sounds like you both have your reasons for choosing those dates and she got in first so go somewhere else or don't go away

Annual leave for the summer is a massive fight in my workplace (toxic in many ways and this is one) so changing at this stage world be a no!

Just go 27aug-3sep.

Sorry you're feeling fragile! My repsponse is intended with kindness :)

It's a bit contradictory for your partner not to want to change the dates with his work and yet expect her partner to change the dates with his work, for all you know it might have been the only dates they could get off with his work if other colleagues are taking time off. To this point, it's also a little unfair to bring in your stressful year against their apparently care-free life because really, we don't know what goes on between couples and sometimes things are kept from family members and it could be possible that sister or sisters partner is struggling with toxic workplace re annual leave and or mental health issues too.

If anything it's your partners work that seem to be the ones being a bit shitty here and if it's part of their company policy to take 16 weeks, and to use his annual leave separately, they shouldn't have an issue and he should go to HR if there is.

Not unreasonable to ask as others have mentioned but you shouldn't push back on the no, and if it's not convenient, there's always next year, lovely to have parents that offer a free place to stay but if you're desperate to go away over your specified dates, you could always look elsewhere.

Hope you work something out and I wish you well in your pregnancy :)

Yanbu to ask but YABU to expect your sister to change plans they have already made just because it suits you more.
It sounds like you're just enjoying making a bigger drama than it needs to be.
They probably chose September because people/parents at their workplace wanted the school summer holidays for their annual leave so now that he has secured a week he may not be able to change it even if you seem to think it would be easy for him 🤷

I think YABVVU blaming your sister for this situation rather than your husband's work.

Why do your needs trump your sisters?