Baby abroad Spain - sister not willing to help

[Arena5]

Hi All

im posting here because I’m not brave enough and probably a bit too emotional fragile to withstand the wrath of AIBU right now 😂. That said I would like to get some outside perspective on whether I am behind unreasonable.

My parents have a second holiday home in Spain and have suggested we could use it this summer after having our second baby. We’re really lucky that my partner has 16 weeks paternity leave and so with baby being due 19 May we’ll be off together until 12 September. The only thing is the dates we want to go (4-11) my sister has already asked for and is unwilling to swap with us.

The reason we are being so specific about dates is that we would really like to wait until baby had had at least their 8 and 12 week vaccinations (due mid July and mid August). Perhaps I’m being OTT on that point but I’d feel safer going abroad and on a plane with all that circulated air at least knowing they had that protection. We also are aware that with strikes the waiting time for getting a passport this summer is 10 weeks (and you first have to get a birth certificate which takes circa 2 weeks). So it’ll probably take until August to get one. So that leaves us with September and my partner doesn’t want to ask for another weeks annual leave just after taking 16 weeks because his job were quite funny about him taking the full 16 weeks (even though it’s one of the company perks).

So we’re stuck really with only being able to use 4-11 Sept which is when my sister has already asked to use it. So we’ve asked if she could swap and go a week later 12-19 but she doesn’t want to because her boyfriend has booked the leave off. It’s warm throughout September and no flight have been booked.

Now I understand we would be asking him to inconvinience himself by asking to swap his annual leave dates. But it feels like a fairly minor inconvenience and I also see it being a huge problem. He works in a large public sector team, he’d be asking to make the swap (by one week) 5 months in advance and its outside of peak holiday season.

By contrast if we can’t go we’ll prob book somewhere else with our 2 year old and our then 3 month old. It’ll obviously be more costly. Also as a family of four with two very young children it would be much less stressful to go to my parents as they have lots of baby equipment there already, we’re familiar with it and there’s on site shop there with formula and nappies. My parents are also there until 3 Sept so if my sister swaps weeks with us we’ll actually probably go a few days early to have some time with them and it would be so reassuring to know they’d be waiting at the airport to welcome us after we do our first flight with a newborn and two year old.

My sister and her partner by contrast are early 20s no children, both still live at home and spend most of them free time (understandably going out having fun). My partner and I on the other hand have had a really stressful year where both of us have been ill (he mental health and myself with a chronic illness which has flared up over pregnancy and we’ve been juggling full time stressful jobs alongside our very very active two year old.

Any other year it won’t matter when we go it’s just this year when we’re having a baby that’s made our dates so restricted. I can’t get past that it feels so mean for my sister to refuse to budge. And parents attitude is not our fight keep us out of it.

So can I ask am I being unreasonable?

I'd 100% consider swapping for my sister if my partner could change his leave. Why wouldn't I? I love her and my nephew/niece to bits and would want them to be able to get away!

This is very unfair. If someone's brother or sister doesn't wish to change existing plans it doesn't make them a shit sibling at all! It's just the way it's worked out.

Could your husband delay the start of his paternity leave by 2 weeks.

or alternatively, is there enough room for all of you at the house, could your holidays cross by 2 or 3 days ?

all the best with the new baby, fair play to you going on holidays with a newborn. Good luck.

Is it possible that this isn't the first time that your 'parent' status has trumped her 'carefree' status?

@sugarspices i think that’s what has hurt. I’d definitely do it for her if for some reason specific life circumstances meant she was unusually restricted by timings. Of course if her partners work turned around and said no then that’s be back luck and they of course should keep their dates. But it just makes me sad that I know without a doubt I’d at least look into seeing if I could help them out

I have 2 sisters ( am the eldest ) and would have seen what I could do as well but if she said no then it's a no, maybe her BF is unwilling to come across as wishy washy at work having to ask to change things.
At least you can reciprocate in the same manner from here on out so you feel less put out.

Just go a few days earlier, it’s not going to make any difference in weather or vaccination status. Or overlap partly with your parents there and partly with when your sister is there (that suggestion might actually put her off!!)

It would be very difficult for me to change my leave when booked. You can definitely get vaccinations a few weeks early or later, that’s what we did.

Nothing saying baby will arrive on your due date .

@whowhatwerewhy I should have added its a c section, that’s why I know when

You can easily go the week before. Just book an appointment at the nearest passport office and they send it to you the week after. Cost a bit extra but we made a day of it and went for lunch which was nice.

She got there first. It's annoying but she doesn't want to swap. I am saying YABU because you also are being very inflexible.

YABU and entitled.

YABU to think that it's easy for her partner to change his leave. Everyone will have booked now (I don't know why you think the public sector is any different in flexibility) and it would probably be a right royal pain and piss his manager or colleagues off.

The vaccination thing isn't an issue. You're over thinking it.

horribly entitled and precious. Other people have made their plans, booked their holiday. Your baby and your wants don’t trump other people’s lives.

When my SIL got pregnant she demanded we change something we had done the same every year because she had a baby and therefore that took priority. At least you asked nicely OP, she just said it was happening and everyone else went along with it 😞

Maybe they are planning to get engaged or have something planned.

I don't think you're being horribly entitled, but your DSis asked for the dates first. Could your DP split paternity leave so he could take a couple of weeks later in September?

"I can’t get past that it feels so mean for my sister to refuse to budge."
You write as though your sister is out to spite you for the fun of it, which seems unlikely since you are both adults. Do you know that she didn't look into changing her dates and found she or her partner couldn't before telling you no?

The simple and obvious solution here is for you to go mid/late September, and for your partner to tag annual leave onto his paternity leave, it's very common for people on parental leave to do this. It's a lot easier for his employer to manage the continued leave than for him to return to work in September and ask for a holiday a short time after.

Either that, or go mid August after the baby's vaccines. Going mid August gives you 2-3 weeks away before your sister is due there.

Can't your partner move hos leave by a week or two?

You could still go into labour before the c-section date. Just because you have a planned c-section, it doesn’t mean baby will come on that day. You’ve planned it right down to the day so you would get home the day before your DH goes back to work, so this wouldn’t work if baby is born early.

You can ask but she gave an answer, she doesn’t need to accommodate you. It doesn’t matter if you would change because that isn’t the scenario here but actually would you? You sound really judgemental about your sister’s carefree lifestyle and it does seem like your parent card trumps her lifestyle.

If your baby would be due their 12 week injections mid August I would just book to go the week before you wanted.

It would give your partner a bit of time at home before he’s due to go back to work too rather than going back they day after you return.

Hope you can manage to get away.

Unfortunately I can’t got earlier in August as my parents are out there using it for their wedding anniversary and we don’t want to impose (other than for the last 2 days). I think reading these replies it’s obvious that how I am feeling is unreasonable. I would add at this stage all I have done is asked, she’s said no and I’ve left it there. I’ve just come away feeling a bit sad because I personally would see if I could do something about it. Perhaps I’m lucky in my job (also public sector) that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask to change leave if it was giving notice so far in advance. But ultimately there’s no way I would demand she’d move the dates. In August it gets like 40 degrees so we won’t be going there and have just decided to book elsewhere. It would have been a nice treat to go somewhere so familiar after a tough year and after the rollercoaster rod those first 3 months as a newborn. But I know she got there first and that’s how it works

I think you are wise to have booked somewhere else and left it OP. Hopefully there will be lots of others opportunities to go and use the house.

Also for the responses that have said I’ve been entitled and horrible etc, I mean I haven’t pushed any further than asking - I came here to get perspective first before considering any further. And I’m sure I wouldn’t be the first pregnant woman who’s maybe felt a bit hormonal and perhaps got more upset over something than they might have done normally