Baby abroad Spain - sister not willing to help

[Arena5]

Hi All

im posting here because I’m not brave enough and probably a bit too emotional fragile to withstand the wrath of AIBU right now 😂. That said I would like to get some outside perspective on whether I am behind unreasonable.

My parents have a second holiday home in Spain and have suggested we could use it this summer after having our second baby. We’re really lucky that my partner has 16 weeks paternity leave and so with baby being due 19 May we’ll be off together until 12 September. The only thing is the dates we want to go (4-11) my sister has already asked for and is unwilling to swap with us.

The reason we are being so specific about dates is that we would really like to wait until baby had had at least their 8 and 12 week vaccinations (due mid July and mid August). Perhaps I’m being OTT on that point but I’d feel safer going abroad and on a plane with all that circulated air at least knowing they had that protection. We also are aware that with strikes the waiting time for getting a passport this summer is 10 weeks (and you first have to get a birth certificate which takes circa 2 weeks). So it’ll probably take until August to get one. So that leaves us with September and my partner doesn’t want to ask for another weeks annual leave just after taking 16 weeks because his job were quite funny about him taking the full 16 weeks (even though it’s one of the company perks).

So we’re stuck really with only being able to use 4-11 Sept which is when my sister has already asked to use it. So we’ve asked if she could swap and go a week later 12-19 but she doesn’t want to because her boyfriend has booked the leave off. It’s warm throughout September and no flight have been booked.

Now I understand we would be asking him to inconvinience himself by asking to swap his annual leave dates. But it feels like a fairly minor inconvenience and I also see it being a huge problem. He works in a large public sector team, he’d be asking to make the swap (by one week) 5 months in advance and its outside of peak holiday season.

By contrast if we can’t go we’ll prob book somewhere else with our 2 year old and our then 3 month old. It’ll obviously be more costly. Also as a family of four with two very young children it would be much less stressful to go to my parents as they have lots of baby equipment there already, we’re familiar with it and there’s on site shop there with formula and nappies. My parents are also there until 3 Sept so if my sister swaps weeks with us we’ll actually probably go a few days early to have some time with them and it would be so reassuring to know they’d be waiting at the airport to welcome us after we do our first flight with a newborn and two year old.

My sister and her partner by contrast are early 20s no children, both still live at home and spend most of them free time (understandably going out having fun). My partner and I on the other hand have had a really stressful year where both of us have been ill (he mental health and myself with a chronic illness which has flared up over pregnancy and we’ve been juggling full time stressful jobs alongside our very very active two year old.

Any other year it won’t matter when we go it’s just this year when we’re having a baby that’s made our dates so restricted. I can’t get past that it feels so mean for my sister to refuse to budge. And parents attitude is not our fight keep us out of it.

So can I ask am I being unreasonable?

YABU. Having a baby doesn't automatically put you first in line for anything. Your sister had already booked her dates, it's up to you to fit around that - you have plenty of other dates to go, but seem to think that your excuses as why that wouldn't work are more valid than your sister's reasons for choosing that time.

can your DH not just start his Paternity leave a week later and finish a week later.

then it will be fine and you can go the next week.

This. YABU.

Personally I wouldn't even have asked your sister to swap. You are being unreasonable. They got there first, you are making all sorts of random reasons to get it changed. Suck it up.

YANBU to ask, but your later responses about how hard a year you’ve had and how nice it would have been etc, and that you’ll just do a Uk caravan holiday really come across as quite bitter. If you value your relationship with your sister please don’t talk about it in the same way to her/your parents.

I think YABVU and have decided that your sister's week is the only one for you, for no apparent reason. Yourself and your husband have 16 weeks off after the baby is born to go wherever you want but you still expect your sister and her husband to change their plans. That seems very unfair. Other people have things going on in their lives too.

@MynameisJune yeah I think that’s fair. I can’t lie I do feel disappointed I can’t go but that’s not something I’ll express to them or use a guilt trip

In many women work places it would not be possible to change holiday dates, especially if someone has to cover for you.

People love to stick the boot in. In most families I know having a baby or any other stressful life event would get you a bit more care and consideration. If it was my sister and I was able to of course I would bloody swap! The people saying 'having a baby doesn't get you any special treatment' are arseholes.

I honestly just don’t think the logistics will work before September. I genuinely don’t want to risk going before the 8 week vaccinations and honestly id also really prefer not to before the 12 weeks. And then my parents are there for 3 weeks in august until 3 Sept and we definitely don’t want to intrude on them for a whole week as it’s a small 2 bed apartment and it won’t be much of a break for them if we rock up for an extended period with a newborn and two year old. I suppose it could potentially leave one week in August if we went pre 12 week vaccinations but last year in early August was considerably hotter (around 40 which I think will be a nightmare at bed trying to get two young kids to sleep. Whereas every year when we’ve been in Sept has been okay temp wise. But at this stage I’ve really just asked and it’s a no so we are going to go elsewhere

Don’t forget, it isn’t your sister’s decision. She can’t change the dates unless she has an awkward conversation with her partner and he is willing to then have an awkward conversation with his boss. Both conversations use up some goodwill.

I don’t know the boss or the partner but I think you’re forgetting how little power your sister has over what her partner does. Maybe their relationship is fragile 🤷‍♀️ maybe her partnernis a grumpy moaner 🤷‍♀️ there could be lots of reasons she doesn’t want to have a difficult conversation with him.

Have a UK holiday this first year it will be so much nicer with the cooler weather - overheated babies are no fun!

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Can you just go without your husband and then have a family holiday together later in the year?

I get it, it feels rubbish that they can’t or won’t change for you. And I’d bet that some of that feeling is maybe to do with thinking you don’t matter to your sister as much as she matters to you?

Is it possible she asked her partner and he said no? I know I’d change with my sister if she asked and DH would be fine, but my sisters partner would likely not do the same for us and she would go along with him.

@Smineusername oh Christ no I’m not brave enough to travel on a plane my own with a 2 year old and newborn! Absolutely off to people who do though. Appreciate all the suggestions but I’ve taken on boards what’s been said. We are looking into going away elsewhere now and no need for us to bring it up any further now with my sister as we’ve had our answer!

You have loads of time to choose from. Pick another week.

I think your sister is BU and although there’s nothing you can do about it, if it was me I’d never forgive her. Also - your DP’s work have delayed his promotion because he’s dared to take his 16 week paternity leave?!!!!! Is he a member of a union? That is really not on!

@MynameisJune it is exactly that feeling . I sometimes think people are quite black and white on mumsnet. It does make me feel like I’m not valued as much as I can honestly say I would try to help in the same circumstance or at least say ‘I would love to help/ I would usually help but XYZ means I can’t’. And I think maybe when you are pregnant you feel a bit more vulnerable to those sort of feelings. But it’s not worth a massive row about and maybe there are other reasons she doesn’t want to get into. So I’m not going to force it. I’m just probably a bit tired and overwhelmed atm which isn’t her fault

I would have changed the dates or gone somewhere else if I was your sister. I don't understand at all people who say you are entitled. If you have a newborn and a young child you have priority in my eyes. One day your sister may have a newborn too, and then she will have priority. Nonetheless, I have travelled with all my kids before the 8 week vaccinations and all was fine. But I imagine the passport could well be a problem if you go earlier.

It is a shame she wouldn't even consider finding out if work would allow them to change the dates but that's her prerogative, I guess.

What about booking for later in the year - assuming he will still have his A/L to take? We were in southern Spain late November last year and it was still pretty warm - probably just the right temperature for our two young ones.

@ContadoraExplorer yeah that’s a really good idea thanks, we prob will do something like a low-key UK break this summer and then we could that have to look forward to later in the year and once he’s been back in work for a few months

Your sister got in there first, you have 4 months off together just go another week. You sound really precious to be honest, I say that as someone with 3 young children. Just because you have children doesn't mean everyone has to bow down to you. When we had one of our children we decided to go on holiday shortly after as it was summer hols, we managed to get the birth certificate at 10 days old and then did the 1 week passport service (fastest you can do for a first passport, we had to drive to the passport office to do it) and took our 4 week old abroad. I'd just wait and see, I wouldn't be making anyone else change plans you might not even get a passport in time anyway if there are severe delays.

Surely your DH still has annual leave, so simply go later in the year .
You are also presuming the timeframe you have set is doable, getting birth certificate , passport, vaccination. My DS had a reaction to his first vaccination so they pushed his second one back so your timeframe might be unachievable.
You are being Unreasonable to expect your sister to change .

I do think it's a bit mean of her to not even try and accommodate you by asking her bf if he could change his dates. However i also think you are taking on a lot going away to a hot place with such a young baby and toddler if you have both had mental health issues. Abroad with young children is very stressful and not all a holiday in my opinion. Could you be making life even harder for yourselves here ?

I think you're right to wait until baby has had 12 week vaccines if you're going to fly, planes and airports are petri-dishes for respiratory illness. I flew long haul with mine at 10 weeks (different country, different vaccine schedule) but it was in 2021 and planes were about 25% full and airports pretty empty (bliss!).

Alternatively, can you travel there by road, and therefore set off a bit earlier? If husband is on leave too you could make it a 2-3 week trip, drive a chunk and then spend a few days in one place before driving another chunk etc. Or take an overnight ferry to Spain and drive the last chunk?

My ex had to book all annual leave days as soon as the leave was allocated at the start of the year and the opportunity to move those days was very minimal. Sometimes the bigger the team the worse it is as you have to accomodate everyone to take the leave and still meet business requirements.
It was a bloody nightmare to be honest. So unflexible.

I have an almost 3 mo and i cant imagine going abroad yet. We are waiting until hes 6 mo and a bit more robust. We are still settling in to breast feeding and having visits from lactation support...