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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Who are you having with you in the delivery room?

81 replies

Bluewhitefloral · 30/03/2023 12:36

Hi all!

Currently 13+4 and just wondering if any of you are having just your partner with you when you are in the delivery room or your partner and someone else?

I've always thought when I come to have the baby I would have my husband and Mum in with me. I'm really close to my Mum and have always leant on her for support so I always assumed that she would be there for my baby being born.

However, when I brought it up with my husband, he was really surprised, even seemed hurt that I would want her there. He said that it felt like he was not good enough and it should just be a special moment for the two parents. I was quite naive in assuming that he would be fine with it as he and my Mum are very close and he has always understood that I have a really close relationship with her.

I think he also felt a bit hurt because I expressed concern about how squeamish he is, to the point where I feel he may not be able to cope with the experience, in which case I feel like having my Mum there would be good for us both, in case he needs a break. He didn't see it this way - just said it was like I was making out he wouldn't be supportive enough. He also said he doesn't know anyone who had their Mum in with them.

A few days after this happened he said that he understands how much support I get from my Mum so if I want her there then he'll support that, but I told him it's clear he doesn't want her there and he's the baby's Dad so we won't have her there. Since then, we've not talked about it.

I have broached the subject with my Mum and told her that I'm not sure whether I'm going to have just my husband there or her too, and used the 'It is a special moment for the parents so may just be nice to just have the two of us' - I didn't tell her my husband had raised objections to it as didn't want to hurt her feelings. She said that she didn't need to be in the delivery room, she could just be in the waiting area and stay there unless we needed her, but she then told me I didn't need to make any decisions on it yet.

So now I'm just conflicted over it. I feel like I would regret it if I didn't have my Mum there as I have always needed her and she has supported me through thick and thin, she knows me in and out and has also seen me in hospital having all sorts of procedures (I had cancer at 21) so has the experience of seeing me in a bad way, which my husband hasn't, not the gory bits anyway. He even turned white just seeing me pass a tube of urine to the midwife at our booking app, then looked at the floor when I was getting bloods done. I totally get that everyone has different limits when it comes to 'blood and gore' so I'm not trying to disrespect him in any way.

On the other hand, I do see where my husband is coming from - it is a special moment between the two parents so I can also see why it would be good for it to be just us, and I should respect what he wants as my husband and as the baby's father. Re. my Mum's suggestion about waiting outside the delivery room, I just don't think I would feel right sending her in and out, I feel like she has to be there all the way through or not at all.

Has anyone had, or having this dilemma? I've spoken to a few friends about it and getting mixed reactions - some are saying I'm the one doing the pushing so it should be me making the decision. Others are saying I should consider my husband's preferences too.

Sorry for the essay - it's just a difficult one for me!

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Mumsafan · 30/03/2023 12:48

My DH was with me.

There's no way on earth I'd want my mother with me, and honestly find it a bit weird that people want their parents with them , when it's such a special moment between them and their DP/DH.

If I was a single parent and the father not around I can understand people wanting a mother or friend with them then but not when they are married or with DP.

ChloeN · 30/03/2023 12:51

That sounds a really hard decision! I’m very close to my mum but I definitely will not be having her there at the babies birth, she wouldn’t expect to be there either so she sounds like your mum in that way! She will just come to the hospital after. However my partner isn’t squeamish, and he’s really supportive so I guess in that way I don’t need anyone else. But if he was going to be crap I would probably consider having someone else so I totally get your dilemma. My only concern would be my partner getting pushed out, because he probably would be a bit of my mum was there!

Perfect28 · 30/03/2023 12:56

Had a homebirth with my mum and husband. It was absolutely brilliant having my mum there who knew exactly what I was going through and what I needed. There's something very primal about birth, it's a very special connection.

StylishM · 30/03/2023 13:30

DH only every time. Parents came the day after I delivered each one to meet the baby when I felt good and ready

Dyra · 30/03/2023 13:39

I had my mum and DH with me with my first.

It was such a step into the unknown, made even more scary at the time as I had developed pre-eclampsia and was being induced. My DH (love him) is not the best with blood and pain. Including other people's. While my Mum has had 5 babies, two of which were forceps deliveries and one crash C-section with haemorrhage. So she's experienced. She's also not shy.

In the end, everything went to plan. If anything I barely realised either of them were there. I certainly didn't want to be touched or talked to. With my second, knowing I could do it, I chose to only have DH with me. I wound up having a C-section in the end, so Mum couldn't have been there anyway.

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 30/03/2023 13:45

I'm also very close to my mother and debated this. Husband wasn't keen either. In the end covid took away the decision and I am glad that it was just me and my husband. However he was incredibly supportive throughout as I thought he would be.

For DC2 I will definitely have just us although I will need my mother to look after DC1 so less of a choice x

crosstalk · 30/03/2023 13:47

I don't know anyone who has had two people in with them for a hospital birth. Surely you just want the person closest to you who actually understands what you want and who can advocate for you - and who can cuddle the child when it's born. I was very close to my mum but that's not her role.

Mumof1andacat · 30/03/2023 13:51

I had dh there. Never gave a thought to my mum being there. We're not close like that. Looking back wished I'd been by myself!

BudgetBuster · 30/03/2023 13:51

I'm very close to my mother too and I know she would love to be there. But just like she wasn't part of conceiving, she won't be part of my delivery. Unless I was a single parent, it wouldn't even cross my mind to have her there.

foreverwingingitx · 30/03/2023 13:53

I'll just be having DP with me, although he's made it very clear if I want my mum there he's happy with it.

Like many others, I very much think it's a special moment between the two of us (as well as knowing he'll be the one to keep me calm throughout) 😊

Desperatelywantinganother · 30/03/2023 13:54

Insist your DH goes to a NCT or NHS antenatal class with you so he knows what to expect. If he faints in class then have your mum in the room. If he copes with the class then I’d respect his wanting to be the only person invited and take your mum up on her offer to wait in case she’s needed - ask your midwife about how that might work in your hospital. If she’s not in the room for the birth then she gets the honour of being your first visitor :)

crackersforcheese · 30/03/2023 13:54

It was during covid so only my partner. But honestly I think it would of just been the 2 of us anyway xxx

GeorgiePorge · 30/03/2023 13:59

I had my DP with me....not really because i felt it was a special moment just for us.. but because I felt he was the best person to support and advocate for me... and who I felt comfortable with seeing me at my most vulnerable.

Labour can be long and tough and you need support more than you may realise.

I know lots of people that have had partner + mum or partner + doula so 2 people in delivery room isn't uncommon.

Despite popular belief... Labour is about safely delivering your baby and trying to come out of it as unscathed as possible. pick what YOU feel you need.

Lastnamedidntstick · 30/03/2023 14:01

Dh’s ex chose to have her mum there. He agreed because she was the one having the baby and he wanted what made her comfortable, but didn’t like it.

he said he might as well have not been there. It was all her mum taking charge as she “knew what to do” and he felt like a useless spare part. He wasn’t even given the chance to support her.

when I had mine no way would I let my mum anywhere near us 😂. He said he actually felt involved, that he was part of it and it was his baby too. He spoke up for me when needed, he had first hold of the baby, he called for the emergency when it all went tits up.

so just be careful it doesn’t turn into a “womens thing” and men are useless. Re. The squeamishness that should be fine, it’s perfectly ok for him to stay at the head end and be your support, he doesn’t need to be hands on 😂.

tbh delivery rooms can get crowded so I’d keep to the minimum.

PuttingDownRoots · 30/03/2023 14:06

For my second, DH wasn't around (Army) so my mum was there. I hate it looking back. My mother does have a tendency to make everything about her though.

It would have never have occurred to me to have anyone other than DH if he had been around.

Almie · 30/03/2023 14:10

I had my husband and my mum, my mum was absolutely invaluable to us both. She made us feel less overwhelmed, and since she's quite a stubborn lady we knew very well that she would be the best advocate for me if I needed it

I think it's quite a recent thing for people to find mothers being at a birth strange... it was the norm for a very long time!

Almie · 30/03/2023 14:12

I should also add that the best part of my mum being there was that we totally forgot to pack snacks in my hospital bag... so I was very overjoyed when my mum revealed she had bought back-up food in case we'd forgot (she knows me well) 🤣 best snickers bar of my life let me tell you

whattodo1975 · 30/03/2023 14:15

Having your mum there is a sign you dont trust your husband.

emma1103 · 30/03/2023 14:21

Just me and my husband. I agree with other posters, it's such a special moment between you and your husband, another person there would take away from that.

My husband gets on great with my mam, but I know he wouldn't feel as comfortable having her there. He would feel awkward and sat on the sidelines a bit.

FinallyFoundIt · 30/03/2023 14:28

It's your choice, as you're the one giving birth - labour is tough, and you want the best support you can possibly get.

I wouldn't want my mum there, but she and I don't have that sort of relationship. You and your mum do, and considering how squeamish your husband is (which he's really going to have to sort out when it comes to dealing with a newborn!) I think it would be good for you to have her there for the majority of the time.

Maybe right at the end you could have it as just you and your husband, but honestly - he's romanticising the whole thing, when what he needs to prioritise is you, your comfort and relaxation to have the best possible labour you can.

firsttimelondonmummy · 30/03/2023 14:29

Ignore any stupid comments about it being weird about having your mum or it taking anything away from the moment.
When you go to a bump and baby class they talk about what a great idea it is to have an advocate with you who’s been through it before be it a Doula or your mum etc.
I will 1000% be having my mum.
My partner has never had a baby and neither have I and my mum is a wonderful force of nature who I know will help me make the right, informed decisions for me and my baby during that time (all being well).
I care most about having the right informed advocate and also she’s your mum how would she ruin the moment I find it so weird people are saying that.
My partner didn’t even question it given the logic behind it and honestly even if he’d have objected she’d still have been there.
Do what feels right for you and ignore any negativity about your mum being there people pay a fortune for a Doula and it’s seen as trendy.

firsttimelondonmummy · 30/03/2023 14:32

Also ignore silly comments about it showing you don’t trust your husband.
He is a man and has never and will never go through labour.
Having an advocate with you who who you know and trust who has been there and done that can make a huge difference when making decisions on things like epidurals and c sections etc.
I am so glad my mum will be there with me and if she wasn’t able too or would have been uncomfortable (thank god she isn’t and we are besties) I would have hired a doula for the same reasons.

Rockingcloggs · 30/03/2023 14:35

whattodo1975 · 30/03/2023 14:15

Having your mum there is a sign you dont trust your husband.

No, it isn't.

NP2705 · 30/03/2023 14:37

I had my mum in the delivery room for my daughter. I made it clear that my husband was my primary birth partner and my mum was just support. In the end I had a premature birth and my daughter was born unwell. Having my mum there meant that a) she was able to literally hold us both as they worked on my daughter and b) when my husband went with my daughter I wasn’t alone.

I think it very much depends on your relationship with your mum and most births will obviously be a bit smoother than mine but I will definitely have my mum there this time too.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 30/03/2023 14:39

Totally up to you. But my husband knows me inside out. He knows how to calm me down. Very level headed.
I'm very close to my Mam, she would be calm, level headed but just wanted him there.
I didn't want a fuss,didn't want an audience.
The first few hours after birth just in our little bubble was lovely!

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