Who are you having with you in the delivery room?

[Bluewhitefloral]

Hi all!

Currently 13+4 and just wondering if any of you are having just your partner with you when you are in the delivery room or your partner and someone else?

I've always thought when I come to have the baby I would have my husband and Mum in with me. I'm really close to my Mum and have always leant on her for support so I always assumed that she would be there for my baby being born.

However, when I brought it up with my husband, he was really surprised, even seemed hurt that I would want her there. He said that it felt like he was not good enough and it should just be a special moment for the two parents. I was quite naive in assuming that he would be fine with it as he and my Mum are very close and he has always understood that I have a really close relationship with her.

I think he also felt a bit hurt because I expressed concern about how squeamish he is, to the point where I feel he may not be able to cope with the experience, in which case I feel like having my Mum there would be good for us both, in case he needs a break. He didn't see it this way - just said it was like I was making out he wouldn't be supportive enough. He also said he doesn't know anyone who had their Mum in with them.

A few days after this happened he said that he understands how much support I get from my Mum so if I want her there then he'll support that, but I told him it's clear he doesn't want her there and he's the baby's Dad so we won't have her there. Since then, we've not talked about it.

I have broached the subject with my Mum and told her that I'm not sure whether I'm going to have just my husband there or her too, and used the 'It is a special moment for the parents so may just be nice to just have the two of us' - I didn't tell her my husband had raised objections to it as didn't want to hurt her feelings. She said that she didn't need to be in the delivery room, she could just be in the waiting area and stay there unless we needed her, but she then told me I didn't need to make any decisions on it yet.

So now I'm just conflicted over it. I feel like I would regret it if I didn't have my Mum there as I have always needed her and she has supported me through thick and thin, she knows me in and out and has also seen me in hospital having all sorts of procedures (I had cancer at 21) so has the experience of seeing me in a bad way, which my husband hasn't, not the gory bits anyway. He even turned white just seeing me pass a tube of urine to the midwife at our booking app, then looked at the floor when I was getting bloods done. I totally get that everyone has different limits when it comes to 'blood and gore' so I'm not trying to disrespect him in any way.

On the other hand, I do see where my husband is coming from - it is a special moment between the two parents so I can also see why it would be good for it to be just us, and I should respect what he wants as my husband and as the baby's father. Re. my Mum's suggestion about waiting outside the delivery room, I just don't think I would feel right sending her in and out, I feel like she has to be there all the way through or not at all.

Has anyone had, or having this dilemma? I've spoken to a few friends about it and getting mixed reactions - some are saying I'm the one doing the pushing so it should be me making the decision. Others are saying I should consider my husband's preferences too.

Sorry for the essay - it's just a difficult one for me!

I find the idea of birth being a special moment between a husband and wife strange to me - that's not a criticism of other peoples' perspectives/experiences, it's just not a perspective I'd considered before.

The birth of my child was a special moment between me and my child - my husband was kind of just... there. I wasn't exactly thinking about him much other than the fact he was holding my hand. I'd also find it hard to consider it a special moment between the two of us when I had a midwife up in my nether regions 🤣

Maybe my view is also coloured by my family background being in agriculture, mainly shepherding. Birth isn't a magical, sentimental experience to me - it's a special, but very messy and visceral part of life!

I was speaking to my mom (who I'm close to) about this today (16+4). I'm firmly in the DH + I only camp, this is our child and this is something we do together, by ourselves (minus Dr's and midwives haha). Mom will be on call to come to the hospital to meet baby ASAP, but just DH for the birth.

I had my DP and DM for my eldest DS.

For my DD&DS (twins) I just had my DP and my DM was looking after my eldest DS and I was transferred 1.5hrs away due to lack of NICU space at our local hospital. I remember when I was pushing out DD I did have a moment where I wanted my mum!

Your DH is right

It a sign you dont trust him to be supportive and care for you in the way he should. People only bring there mum in to plug a gap they feel husband wont be able to of doing.

@whattodo1975 that's not true for everyone.

I wanted my mother in a situation I'd be at my most vulnerable along with my DP. Nothing to do with me not thinking he was competent or supportive enough.

So you are saying your DP wasn't sufficient for you when you were vulnerable? Kind of proves my point.

@whattodo1975 Again, no, it isn't.

I took my mum alongside my Husband because I wanted her to be there when our son was born. The same as they both were when I had my many miscarriages and she also attended many of my IVF appointments. Maybe, you might have felt that way but please, don't assume that's how I did!!

I'm due in 4 weeks and will be having my partner and sister with me and I can't wait ☺️

@whattodo1975 no you're just twisting words. I wanted both of them. Neither were better than the other. I wanted the two people closest to me.. but you can twist words if you want to create your own narrative x

I wouldn't bother to explain they twist words. People have their own reasons but according to them it's because you think your DP isn't supportive enough.. 🥱

I think we can all agree that the strangest thing of all is to fabricate bizarre narratives about other people's lives and relationships purely because they chose to give birth in a slightly different way than you did...

I was having just my DH as I'm a very private person.

But he got quite seriously ill just before and I decided I wanted my mum too as we weren't sure he'd be OK. It was absolutely the best decision. She stayed in the background but it was great she was there.

For my second, she was at home looking after the first!

What I would say though is that with neither was it a beautiful, special moment. It was bloody hard work and undignified (just how I felt). She certainly wasn't intruding on a special moment!

This.

I honestly find it bizarre how many people are vehemently against mothers being there. That would have been the norm for the vast majority of history.

It was the norm not to have dads present for the vast majority of history.

mum may well have been the norm when a partner wasn’t allowed in.

things change 🤷‍♀️

I had DH, wasn’t aware you could have two or would have had my DM, My dad has passed away or I’d have had him too. Actually bring everyone in!😂

Mine was a very easy C section though.

If I’d had a vaginal birth it would just be DH, he’s calm, I can be a flapper.

I had just dp with me. You couldn't have paid me to have my mum in there with us too.

I was happy to sit in the waiting room reading but a nurse came out to get me as my daughter wanted me with them. I think my SIL was happy for me to be there, he seemed a bit out of his depth to be honest. It was magical seeing my DGC born but then left them to it.

@Almie 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

My husband. Both times. My mum wanted to but I was like no way thanks!!

Pressed send too soon. I find it really odd having anyone else there other than your partner. Especially your mum.

To me I think it should be about you both seeing your child for the first time as a family. It's a very special moment

My mother was adamant she was going to be there... l was just as adamant that she wasn't!!

DH (now XH) was all l needed. He was fantastic and not squeamish.

This is lovely.

I remember being in labour and my mum wasn't there at this point and I cried saying 'I want my mum' luckily she was on her way to the hospital!

I just needed her.

@PinkButtercups that’s so sweet 😭❤️

it’s so funny because the only mums being judgey and plain right nasty are the ones who didn’t have their mums present.
Says something…..

I couldn’t care less what another woman chooses but I think it’s disgusting to put a woman down for any non harmful choices she makes.