Who are you having with you in the delivery room?

[Bluewhitefloral]

Hi all!

Currently 13+4 and just wondering if any of you are having just your partner with you when you are in the delivery room or your partner and someone else?

I've always thought when I come to have the baby I would have my husband and Mum in with me. I'm really close to my Mum and have always leant on her for support so I always assumed that she would be there for my baby being born.

However, when I brought it up with my husband, he was really surprised, even seemed hurt that I would want her there. He said that it felt like he was not good enough and it should just be a special moment for the two parents. I was quite naive in assuming that he would be fine with it as he and my Mum are very close and he has always understood that I have a really close relationship with her.

I think he also felt a bit hurt because I expressed concern about how squeamish he is, to the point where I feel he may not be able to cope with the experience, in which case I feel like having my Mum there would be good for us both, in case he needs a break. He didn't see it this way - just said it was like I was making out he wouldn't be supportive enough. He also said he doesn't know anyone who had their Mum in with them.

A few days after this happened he said that he understands how much support I get from my Mum so if I want her there then he'll support that, but I told him it's clear he doesn't want her there and he's the baby's Dad so we won't have her there. Since then, we've not talked about it.

I have broached the subject with my Mum and told her that I'm not sure whether I'm going to have just my husband there or her too, and used the 'It is a special moment for the parents so may just be nice to just have the two of us' - I didn't tell her my husband had raised objections to it as didn't want to hurt her feelings. She said that she didn't need to be in the delivery room, she could just be in the waiting area and stay there unless we needed her, but she then told me I didn't need to make any decisions on it yet.

So now I'm just conflicted over it. I feel like I would regret it if I didn't have my Mum there as I have always needed her and she has supported me through thick and thin, she knows me in and out and has also seen me in hospital having all sorts of procedures (I had cancer at 21) so has the experience of seeing me in a bad way, which my husband hasn't, not the gory bits anyway. He even turned white just seeing me pass a tube of urine to the midwife at our booking app, then looked at the floor when I was getting bloods done. I totally get that everyone has different limits when it comes to 'blood and gore' so I'm not trying to disrespect him in any way.

On the other hand, I do see where my husband is coming from - it is a special moment between the two parents so I can also see why it would be good for it to be just us, and I should respect what he wants as my husband and as the baby's father. Re. my Mum's suggestion about waiting outside the delivery room, I just don't think I would feel right sending her in and out, I feel like she has to be there all the way through or not at all.

Has anyone had, or having this dilemma? I've spoken to a few friends about it and getting mixed reactions - some are saying I'm the one doing the pushing so it should be me making the decision. Others are saying I should consider my husband's preferences too.

Sorry for the essay - it's just a difficult one for me!

Have whoever you want in the room with you. Ultimately, it’s a medical procedure and you should feel as comfortable as possible and supported. I don’t have that sort of relationship with my Mom but it’s nice that you do.

If your husband feels pushed out that’s unfortunate but in my opinion, you are the one who is going through the procedure so it’s more about you and making you comfortable.

I had my mum and partner. He was useless really amd she did all thr helpful things.
Your husband needs to realise it is about you, not him. It's a life risking moment for you, why wouldnt you want your mum there? Blah blah all thr symbolic nonsense of cutting the cord, non of that actually matters, what matters is making it as safe and bearable for you as possible.

@ReadtheReviews 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I just had my partner. I'm very close to my mum but no way would I have her there and I doubt she would have wanted to be there either.
But if you want both that's your decision. You have whoever you need there to make you feel supported.

You're the one giving birth so it's what makes you most comfortable.

Personally I would not have my mum in there, but then again I'm a very private person that doesn't much like hovering and being overly 'looked after' and we don't have that kind of relationship. I have full faith in my DH though.

He said he wants to stay firmly head end (also my preference tbh!), but he isn't squeamish (sees a lot of blood etc at work), has dug a menstrual cup out of my vagina that got itself very stuck, and managed to look after me following surgery before in a way that didn't piss me off. He knows me better than I know myself.

I know if worst comes worst and I'm delivering by surprise on the bathroom floor before help can arrive, he'd suck it up and do it. He asked what my wishes were and what I'd want in certain situations so he can advocate for me. If my mum was there she would flap, panic, interfere, and tell my DH he's wrong about what I want and that she knows better.

I only had DH, I associate mums being there for teen parents, single mums or ones where the relationship with the father are less permanent or a bit iffy.

But it’s entirely up to you, everyone is different (and I’m an independent old bag).

I love my mum to bits but she is the last person in the world I’d want because she has anxiety and winds me up. If anything my Dad would be better!

I hate it when women are dismissive of other women's birth preferences. Especially when they are telling a pregnant woman that her husband's ego is more important than her comfort

I've given birth twice. Before DC1 was born, I didn't want my mum there, but after the traumatic birth, I couldn't wait for her to arrive - I cried with relief when she did. It was my mum (not DH) who asked the midwives to change the blood-soaked gown and sheets that I'd been left sitting in for hours. In hindsight, I wish she had been there for the birth - it could have been different and less traumatic. For DC2, I hired a doula, who was a million times more helpful than DH.

Birth is not some special magical moment for men to witness the birth of their child - well, I guess it might be for some, but I'm pretty sure that's rare. For me, and I'm guessing for most mothers, it is a physically and emotionally gruelling event. I think the best birth partner is someone who will stay calm and knows you - or knows enough about labouring women - so they can support you even when you are not able to articulate what you need. My husband was crap at it, he has many great qualities but he was frankly useless. I'm sure there are some men who are excellent birth partners but I don't think all men are and women are doing themselves a disservice if they don't consider their own needs during childbirth. Not all mothers would make good birth partners, either, but those who do can be fantastic. My mum knows me so well, she looked after me when I was ill, when I am really ill or upset I still just want my mum! And that's ok. There is no need to belittle women who feel like that, or accuse them of not loving or trusting their partners.

@OP, your husband is being selfish in making this all about him and his feelings. His role is to support you, and that doesn't mean insisting on being your sole source of support; it means respecting the fact that others can support you too and allowing them to do so. If you want your mum to be there, your mum should be there. This doesn't change the fact that he's the baby's father and the birth will be special for you two as parents. But it's not about him. It's actually all about you, ensuring you are feeling as calm and supported as possible to birth your baby safely.

Good luck.

I'm having my DM in with me for my elcs. I'm incredibly close to her and she is someone I'd really like to share the experience with. DH stresses and is incredibly squeamish. He came with me for my bloods a few weeks ago and had to leave the room because he felt faint... He'll be waiting for us afterwards. Both he and I are very happy with this decision

I’m a firm believer that the birth partners are there for the mum, not to ‘watch the birth’ or be part of a special experience for their own benefit. Their primary function is birth support, to be useful, supportive and make the event as comfortable and positive as possible for the new mother. Women should choose whoever is going to bring the most to the room to them, who they feel comfortable and happy with and not give a thought about hurting anyone’s feelings.

Sounds perfect for you.

I actually think this is probably the case for a fair amount of couples but many feel a pressure to have the dad in the room as it’s become such a social norm, it’s just assumed by everyone that of course
your DH is going to be in there.

It’s interesting that not too long ago dads generally didn’t attend births, even if their partner wanted them there. And now it’s swung so far the other way and women feel like they HAVE TO their DH with them even if they’re not very comfortable with the thought of it.

Due in May and will just be my DH and I, I wouldn't want anyone else in that special moment,

I had my DS alone and I wouldn't change it at all.
I'm planning to have my next baby alone because I can't really relax around anyone.

Just my DH. But I was busy texting my mum during most of labour!!

This is exactly my thinking too.

Totally your decision OP.

I'm not having anyone in, not even DH!

And here I thought I was not normal for wanting to be alone.

I think this is one of those things that 100% depends on how YOU feel. You need to decide what will make you feel the most comfortable.

Personally, I wouldn’t have ever considered having my Mum there. She’s my mum and I love her but I don’t feel relaxed around her. She’s also very much “her way is right” and I know she wouldn’t have advocated for me in the situation - she’d have pushed for what she wanted.

DH sat and researched labour etc without me ever having to prompt it. He asked to do a hypnobirthing course with me & looked into different ways that he could be helpful. He asked me my preferences for birth and really advocated for me when I had a really shitty midwife. It was during lockdown so he wasn’t allowed to be with me for the vast majority of a long induction process but he was a fantastic support during the part he was there for.

Had I wanted Mum there I know he wouldn’t ever have questioned it but I know he would have felt uncomfortable having her in the room throwing her opinions around lol. And to be honest, if roles were reversed and he was the one giving birth (LOL at Mr Man-flu pushing out a 9lb baby😂) then I know I wouldn’t have felt as comfortable having MIL in the room.

Labour is dangerous and exhausting, even if birth itself is a special moment. I'm having my mum there so that she can support my partner and also so that if it's a long labour he can take a break and get a coffee, and vice versa she can do the same. Nothing to do with not trusting my husband. He's wonderful, but so is my mum.

@Bluewhitefloral

Congratulations

My mum was with me both times we was my partner.

My mum passed away 3 years ago but having her there was so special if I had my time again I'd have her there and I'm so pleased I made that decision plus if DP needed fresh air or to go to the bathroom someone is always with you ❤️

I’m due in the beginning of July and will just have my partner with me.

my sister gave birth at 16 and had only our mum and the fathers mum while the dad was in the waiting room with me and his friend (and some other people). My mum even commented after how horrendous it was and that if I decide to have a child she won’t be there like this for me! I thought it was weird having her there at a time like that anyway so reassured her I wouldn’t be wanting her there if I was to be giving birth… (we have never been close and don’t talk now so works great for me lol).

I have been the birthing partner to 2 of my ex friends now and the first one had me support her the whole way through pregnancy, and even when she went into labour told me when to come to the hospital (as she was getting a lift) and then at the last moment made me stay in the waiting room for hours (over half the day) while she had her Nan and great Nan with her instead.. she never even told me she changed plans or why she changed it but in the end I waited for baby to come, congratulated her and left.. never spoke properly since!

2nd friend it was always a thing for me to be the birthing partner with her mum, when she was first admitted her mum picked me up and we rushed down there and knew she would be induced a few days later due to health issues. A few days later her mum lets me know well in advance she will be having baby that day to give me time to travel to the hospital, once I got there I was told I was to wait outside as she was to have a c-section and they decided her mum was going in with her only.. so again I sat there in the waiting room for about 1-2 hrs even though they knew before I arrived that it would be a section…

never agreed to being a birthing partner again and now I’m having mine, know the only person to be in the room with me will be my gf. If I didn’t have her I’d be happy to do it alone tbh!

This is a personal choice I feel only you have the right to make. It’s you that matters when the time comes especially if you feel he isn’t fit for the job! There have been times they don’t allow people to switch during labour so it might be hard to get your mum to come in from the waiting room to replace your partner should you need to but I think you should put that in your birth plan if that’s where your heart truly lies… At least she is willing to be a back up just incase.

we were only allowed one person (long pre pandemic) but even if we could have had more I wouldn’t have wanted my mum there, and she wouldn’t have wanted to be there. I get on great with her but I can’t imagine she’d have been that brilliant a support. My dad would have been better!

My H is squeamish as well but honestly unless they’re down the vag end there’s not much to be squeamish about

Just DH every time. I didn't want my mum there though. If having your mum there is going to help you then it is something to consider - though does she actually want to be there?

Also, if you have your mum there is your MIL going to want to be there too? (Friend had this issue and it did make relations a bit awkward with the in-laws when she made it clear that she was only having her DH and mum there)

At the end of the day it is your birth and as important the baby's father is he isn't the one pushing a baby out of his vagina, you are, so your wants should come top.

I had my mum and my husband

It’s your decision not his. There is more to it than just the birth, and you might like some support from your mum. Some men are incredible, and really support and advocate for their partner. Some get squeamish and leave or faint. Some just sit in the corner on their phones not really doing much until the end. If you want your mum with you then have her there. She can offer support with labour, and step back for the birth and only help if needed. Give it some thought, but this is one time in your life you can do what you want.