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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Boyf wants me to terminate

79 replies

Popalina65 · 20/03/2023 16:51

New relationship, had a drunken fumble... I took the morning after pill... now I'm pregnant. Without to much detail.... he says he kinda knew in that split moment that he had a choice but like a bowling ball went for the strike! He said he sensed that I would be pregnant.

We are both into each other but we've not really got our relationship off the ground. Early days I guess.

I'm pregnant, 41, He's 48. we both have 4 children each from our previous marriages my youngest is 12 his youngest is 5.... the others range from 15-24.

I had a abortion consultation yesterday and it just feels sooooooo wrong to me. I think i want to try and have this baby if my body would allow it. He however thinks i should terminate. He says he's to old and wants to travel.... all of which won't be happening anytime soon because he's probably the most disorganised man I've ever met. He has week on week off with his son and he's knackered that week and then recovering the following week and then the loop continues.

I know that I can afford to have this baby alone, financially, physically and emotionally but I just hate how he feels that I am controlling and have his life in my hands. He said it's important that we are 50-50 on decisions but we are not on the same page. I feel my 50 is agreeing to terminate which gives him his own way.

He has said it's my choice and will support me and the baby.... but he doesn't think that I'll relationship will survive it. I think I'll only be having a termination because I feel like he doesn't want it.... but at times he's been excited. I believe if I terminated I wouldn't be able to be in his life.

Am I being unreasonable to put myself first... my first four children were planned yet when my marriage dissolved my husband left all five of us... not just me.... having very little contact with our children. I've raised them alone for just over 12 years (husband had an affair, left when I was 34weeks pregnant) the only consistent thing he's done is be an arse!

I've started to confide in my friends and they've all said you make your decision for you not for anyone else.

Anyone got any experience or advice x

OP posts:
firsttimelondonmummy · 20/03/2023 17:16

Hey OP,

I think you’ve already made up your mind & you have to do what feels right for you.
I would just say be prepared to do it on your own as it sounds like he really doesn’t want this.

My dad had his younger three children at that age and you can see he clearly resents that decision now he’s a bit older and wants to travel but can’t as he has 3 in between 9-14.
I don’t think it’s nice the kids can see how much he wants to be away without them and that he’s also now too old to do the things he was able to do with us that we loved (playing tennis, going running, going to theme/ water parks etc).

It’s always a really tough decision.
If you think you can do it alone and want to then go for it!

SleepySlumber · 20/03/2023 17:19

I can’t tell you what you should choose to do but can only share what happened to me.

I was in this situation a few years ago. I terminated the baby - which I NEVER thought I’d do - but my
main reasons for this were because my ex made me homeless and I had 2 other children to think about/sort housing for. It was also in lockdown and I had lost my job so circumstances were not in my favour at all. Had I been in a more stable situation things may have been different.

I don’t regret it even though it was a tough decision, as looking back it would have been so hard - the relationship broke down as soon as he said he didn’t want the baby. I could never forgive him for not stepping up to being a dad when he was partly responsible - and already a dad himself. I lost all respect for him in the moment he said he didn’t want the baby - I get it was a shock, but If you’re willing to not use any protection yourself then you’re partly responsible.

I’m glad I’m not linked to that man and having to share a lifetime responsibility with someone who didn’t want a child with me. It was clear that he would never be such a doting father to the child with me as he had been to his other child, seeing as he didn’t want the baby in the first place.

However it did spark something inside of me that made me realise I did want another baby one day. I am now with a new partner, 37 years old and due in a weeks time with a baby that he is so excited about. I know time isn’t on your side but there are other people you could have a baby with who would embrace it. That or you can continue this pregnancy and raise this baby mainly alone. The decision is whether you want to do it mostly alone - the relationship is unlikely to survive and you will have to be tied to this man who doesn’t want it for a very long time. He will most likely move on with dating whilst you’re attending scans and pre natal appointments alone.

Take your time, review all options and I think you’ll end up coming to a decision. But choose for YOU.

Twoinapod · 20/03/2023 19:53

Whichever decision you make I think this relationship is over. It sounds like you will resent him if you went through with the abortion. So make this decision for yourself, because at the end of everything you are the one that has to live with it.

Yourteaisgettingcold · 20/03/2023 20:48

I agree with @Twoinapod .

Original poster
Popalina65 · 20/03/2023 22:19

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond x I've actually called my best friends tonight and told them... I was so worried but I'm so glad that I did.

Boyf thinks we should terminate and try again in the future (2years) when our relationship is fully established. If I want a baby... but the thing is I would never plan to have a child at my age. The difference I feel is that this pregnancy is here and for that reason my feelings have changed about having another child x

OP posts:
SnookyPook · 21/03/2023 14:38

He's talking like he thinks you're both in your twenties (also with his cavalier attitude of how the conception itself happened!). Any talk of "if we want this in a couple of years once we're more settled" etc is a bit ludicrous in your 40s (which I think you are well aware of!) - if you think you want another child then I would see this as a delightful happenchance at just the right moment - there's no guarantee it would happen again at a more convenient time. I agree with twoinapod, make your decision for you. If you terminate you may resent him, and if you don't, he may resent you. So you have to make the choice you feel most able to live with. It sounds to me like you know what's in your heart and the conflict is that it isn't what's in his...

Original poster
Popalina65 · 21/03/2023 20:47

SnookyPook · 21/03/2023 14:38

He's talking like he thinks you're both in your twenties (also with his cavalier attitude of how the conception itself happened!). Any talk of "if we want this in a couple of years once we're more settled" etc is a bit ludicrous in your 40s (which I think you are well aware of!) - if you think you want another child then I would see this as a delightful happenchance at just the right moment - there's no guarantee it would happen again at a more convenient time. I agree with twoinapod, make your decision for you. If you terminate you may resent him, and if you don't, he may resent you. So you have to make the choice you feel most able to live with. It sounds to me like you know what's in your heart and the conflict is that it isn't what's in his...

You've explained this perfectly x I feel that it's a blessing but I feel so sad that he's conflicted. I am starting to think about how hard it's going to be on me.... and my age is doing my in.... I told my older brother earlier, he was so sweet. Him and his wife had my niece at 43... I had completely forgotten about their age... so I feel that having a healthy baby and pregnancy is achievable x

Thank you for taking the time to respond x

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 21/03/2023 20:52

You sound like you have decided and it’s only him that is making you question it.
Only you can decide what to do.

(congratulations! )

Original poster
Popalina65 · 27/03/2023 12:30

Just to update.... my partner isn't talking to me.... but I went to the second abortion consultation on Friday and left....

Had a long think and I'm keeping this baby xx

I've even confided in more friends and my family and everyone has been amazing xx

Today, I feel wonderful, so calm and I'm just going to concentrate on growing a healthy baby.

I just pray that the baby is in the uterus and continues to grow xx

But my grandmother always said Que se rah se rah.... if it's meant to be I'll be having a baby in November xx eeeekkkkkkk xx

Thank you for the love 💗

OP posts:
Twoinapod · 27/03/2023 12:37

@Popalina65 well done for making the best choice for you. Fingers crossed for a healthy pregnancy. Congratulations

ohnoh · 27/03/2023 13:07

OP your thread has helped me
I am late 30s and pregnant immediately after a miscarriage of an unexpected pregnancy, again rather unexpected as it was basically a one off too soon I thought and prior to this my partner was informed he was infertile.
My partner (48) does not want it and we both have older children. I think Ive come to accept that if it’s healthy and sticks I do want it and our relationship will never survive if I am pressured into a termination. I just wouldn’t forgive him you cannot press delete and reset necessarily (given our background of miscarriages and fertility issues also)
I am very daunted but think I want to keep it and if necessary the relationship can fall apart. I just couldn’t forgive him for pressuring me into it. Scary but I feel like it’s the right choice. Probably 😬
glad you’ve been able to talk to people in real life about this as well

SnookyPook · 27/03/2023 15:40

@Popalina65 so glad you've been able to reach a decision that you feel peaceful about. Sorry it seems to have negatively impacted your relationship but it sounds like you're confident it was the right call. Wish you all the best with it! X

Original poster
Popalina65 · 09/04/2023 02:24

ohnoh · 27/03/2023 13:07

OP your thread has helped me
I am late 30s and pregnant immediately after a miscarriage of an unexpected pregnancy, again rather unexpected as it was basically a one off too soon I thought and prior to this my partner was informed he was infertile.
My partner (48) does not want it and we both have older children. I think Ive come to accept that if it’s healthy and sticks I do want it and our relationship will never survive if I am pressured into a termination. I just wouldn’t forgive him you cannot press delete and reset necessarily (given our background of miscarriages and fertility issues also)
I am very daunted but think I want to keep it and if necessary the relationship can fall apart. I just couldn’t forgive him for pressuring me into it. Scary but I feel like it’s the right choice. Probably 😬
glad you’ve been able to talk to people in real life about this as well

Hey xx how are you xx have you reached a decision? My baby's dad is still team abortion... I had a bleed a few weeks back and my scan showed an empty gestational sack... my HCG levels are rising.... I just hope that my scan next weeks show's progress. It's pretty clear my ex is hoping for a miscarriage. I've had the worst day today... the worry and anxiety is through the roof and it would have been my mums birthday today... no idea what she would have made of this situation xx

I'm in full blown insomniac mode x hope that you are well x

OP posts:
IsolatedWilderness · 09/04/2023 02:31

I'm glad you've made the right decision for you OP. There is no 50-50 here where one wants the baby and the other doesn't. It's one way or the other. I hope the next scan shows good progress.

intotalfreefall · 09/04/2023 02:53

Having this baby alone will be tough. But you've already raised four children as a single parent, so it's not as if you don't know that - you're going into this with your eyes open.

Given your age, if you really want another baby, I think you would struggle if you terminated and didn't get the chance again. Even if you stayed together and started trying in two years, you might not fall pregnant then. You can't risk the present for a future that might never happen.

I hope the next set of scans goes well and you have a happy, healthy pregnancy. Sending you nothing but best wishes, OP. You've got this.

Original poster
Popalina65 · 10/04/2023 10:54

Thank you all so much for responding xx

I have my viability scan in the morning... after a bleed.... my HCG levels have increased but I've stupidly read up about molar pregnancy and empty gestational sacks 😓

I feel so stupid because I took the morning after pill to prevent this pregnancy but now it's here I'm so desperate to be it's mummy.

I just pray those pills haven't stopped my bean from growing 🌱

OP posts:
IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 10:56

OP, a friend I was with when she took the MAP was told that it wouldn't interfere with any pregnancy that got past it. I hope all goes well at your scan.

Collisionofus77 · 10/04/2023 10:58

I think you need to take his feelings about it into account, it’s not just your decision as I presume you’ll expect him to be in child's life & pay for him/her which he doesn’t want to do & why should he be forced to do that unless you don’t want him to be in child's life or expect him to financially support child, if not then fine but to force that on him is wrong imo so maybe more discussion needs to be had

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 10:59

Collisionofus77 · 10/04/2023 10:58

I think you need to take his feelings about it into account, it’s not just your decision as I presume you’ll expect him to be in child's life & pay for him/her which he doesn’t want to do & why should he be forced to do that unless you don’t want him to be in child's life or expect him to financially support child, if not then fine but to force that on him is wrong imo so maybe more discussion needs to be had

There's no middle ground and OP has made up her mind. It is her decision.

Collisionofus77 · 10/04/2023 11:00

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 10:59

There's no middle ground and OP has made up her mind. It is her decision.

Show quote history

No it really isn’t just her decision unless she immaculately conceived

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 11:03

Collisionofus77 · 10/04/2023 11:00

No it really isn’t just her decision unless she immaculately conceived

Show quote history

If they can't agree, it's down to the pregnant woman who carries the baby. Even my young adult sons know their choice comes with a risk that the woman may get pregnant so, if they aren't prepared to risk that, don't do it. He chose to engage in an activity that can lead to a baby, now it's the woman's choice. You can't compromise and have half a baby.

BuffaloCauliflower · 10/04/2023 11:06

Fingers crossed for you OP.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 10/04/2023 11:06

Collisionofus77 · 10/04/2023 11:00

No it really isn’t just her decision unless she immaculately conceived

Show quote history

No man should be having sex at all, especially unprotected, if they aren't prepared to pay for any children that might result from it. He doesn't have to be part of the child's life but he does need to accept he will need to support it. He shouldn't have sex otherwise. Your 'further discussion needs to be had' smacks of her ex saying that decisions should be 50/50 without being prepared to compromise himself.

Catwithbigfeet · 10/04/2023 11:08

Your body, your decision OP.
Do what feels right. He has to take equal responsibility because he knew the risks.
When he said you can try again in 2 years time , he’s obviously future faking and it wasn’t planned for either of you.

Collisionofus77 · 10/04/2023 11:11

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