Boyf wants me to terminate

[Popalina65]

New relationship, had a drunken fumble... I took the morning after pill... now I'm pregnant. Without to much detail.... he says he kinda knew in that split moment that he had a choice but like a bowling ball went for the strike! He said he sensed that I would be pregnant.

We are both into each other but we've not really got our relationship off the ground. Early days I guess.

I'm pregnant, 41, He's 48. we both have 4 children each from our previous marriages my youngest is 12 his youngest is 5.... the others range from 15-24.

I had a abortion consultation yesterday and it just feels sooooooo wrong to me. I think i want to try and have this baby if my body would allow it. He however thinks i should terminate. He says he's to old and wants to travel.... all of which won't be happening anytime soon because he's probably the most disorganised man I've ever met. He has week on week off with his son and he's knackered that week and then recovering the following week and then the loop continues.

I know that I can afford to have this baby alone, financially, physically and emotionally but I just hate how he feels that I am controlling and have his life in my hands. He said it's important that we are 50-50 on decisions but we are not on the same page. I feel my 50 is agreeing to terminate which gives him his own way.

He has said it's my choice and will support me and the baby.... but he doesn't think that I'll relationship will survive it. I think I'll only be having a termination because I feel like he doesn't want it.... but at times he's been excited. I believe if I terminated I wouldn't be able to be in his life.

Am I being unreasonable to put myself first... my first four children were planned yet when my marriage dissolved my husband left all five of us... not just me.... having very little contact with our children. I've raised them alone for just over 12 years (husband had an affair, left when I was 34weeks pregnant) the only consistent thing he's done is be an arse!

I've started to confide in my friends and they've all said you make your decision for you not for anyone else.

Anyone got any experience or advice x

I agree. Having another at 41 when you already have four and will be a single mum is utter madness. It's certainly not in the best interests of your existing children. Five kids on your own? You must be made of stronger stuff than me!

The truth is shady here.Women are not saints

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry. An accidental pregnancy is a lot to deal with, but to be in this position because you were stealthed by someone you trusted... that's so much more to wrap your head around.

I'm glad you've opened up to your best friend and that Rape Crisis are supporting you. I always thought this was your decision as you're the one who has to face the physical consequences as a woman, but I'm even more resolute now that this guy doesn't get any say.

You've been through a lot; if your head is all over the place, that would be totally understandable. Your best friend knows and loves you, and I strongly recommend you let her be there for you as a sounding board to help ensure you continue making decisions based on what is right for you. Lean on her. Sometimes when we're in our darkest moments, we think we're putting too much on our friends, but you've got a good one there. I promise she'll want to be there for you.

Please ignore all the horrible comments from posters who don't realise that consenting to sex with a condom does not mean a man can legally have sex with you without a condom. They're probably the same people who didn't believe that rape within a marriage is possible, as putting a ring on someone's finger doesn't mean perpetual consent must be given from that person. Enthusiastic consent must be obtained each time.

Collisionofus77
Have a word with yourself

Hahaha! What business is it of yours how many children have!

Yes I am catholic, I earn enough money to not get child benefit for my younger two children!

There father is an amazing man and actually fully supports me fully with this baby!

Yes I have two older children- one who's graduated with 1st class honours my second following the same trajectory! My third child at 15 is currently working alongside a university to study medicine.... and my fourth is just as amazing...

Does the mean I can keep this baby?

Jeez.... I wanted a hand hold not judgement for a keyboard warrior who probably hasn't even got their own 💩 together!

Bloody hell , who are you to say how many kids someone can have ?

@Collisionofus77 @CAJIE

Wow! Just wow! Are you team baby dad?

@Popalina65 I'm so very sorry for all that you're going through.... I'm awfully sorry that you've had people speak with you this way- please hold onto all of us supportive folk.

I really hope that you get the news you hope for tomorrow, hopefully baba is strong like it's mumma x

Your kids sound awesome..... even if you claimed welfare you still have the right to keep your baby. Ignore everyone else.

This thread has taken a disturbing turn. I utterly horrified with @Collisionofus77 saying that men bear no responsibility for their children. And then @CAJIE thinking that her current children will suffer and want to dictate the number of children a women can have!

OP I’m sorry that they have turned it so dark. I’m glad that youve made the right decision for you and I hope you get good news on your scan.

That makes no sense if one of his reasons for having a termination is because he wants to travel. Sounds like he's making empty promises to encourage you to terminate this pregnancy which is very manipulative behaviour.

Do what's right for you. I wouldn't count on this man still being around in 6 months either way and if he's trying to manipulate you into making such life changing decisions I don't think it's in your best interest to be with him.

Hi OP. Really sorry you’re in this position. I agree with your friends: make this decision based on what you want. Yes, two of you made the baby but just because he wants you to have an abortion, it doesn’t mean you must. I agree with the PP who has told her adult sons there’s always a risk they’ll have a child from unprotected sex if the mother wants it. What did he expect to potentially happen when he behaved like a “bowling ball and went for the strike” as he put it? But I would view and consider this as you doing it without his proper support.

He sounds a bit childish tbh: having all those kids (including as young as five) and wanting to go travelling. And needing to recover the week after looking after his child. How does he think single parents feel? I think I read those parts correctly but please do correct me if I’m wrong or being unfair.

I’d really consider how you’d feel if you have an abortion now (when you already don’t want one) if you were not able to conceive again.

I’ve just come across this thread and I couldn’t scroll.

i will reply as someone who’s had 2 terminations 10 years ago. When I was 18/19.

i had been in the relationship 1.5 years and he knew I wasn’t protected. We caught pregnant I didn’t want to terminate. But I did cause I felt no other option. 6 months later he told me he wanted a baby. We fell pregnant. He told me he didn’t. His whole family got involved and literally came to my house and told me why I shouldn’t and it was all selfish reasons on their own behalf.

i didn’t want to do it I refused to let him come to the appointment and I went with my mum she told me there and then if I didn’t want to do it I didn’t have to but I decided in that moment my relationship was dead and he had finished it off. I was full of resentment and I couldn’t bare to share a family or a life with him or his family so I swallowed my own feelings and did it. it killed us way before we actually ended but it did.

it might do the same to you. He was 5 years older than me at the time too.

make the Decision for you and your children not him.

He missed his chance at planned parenthood. He doesn't get a 50/50 stake in the decision now.

You have to make your own choice and decision as if the relationship is over and you will be a single parent. Because I'm pretty sure you will.

I think you need to look at whole picture how will it effect your existing DC. This decision doesn't just effect you it's the whole family , It's not like you are 41 and have no DC you have 4.

My children know and have been part of the decision. To be honest I feel absolutely overwhelmed by their response. I'm very proud of their maturity and response.

You're right x this has definitely killed us. He still thinks that I'll terminate if the pregnancy hasn't progressed.... he messaged me earlier asking if I'd like to go to Croatia next week. I'm not sure what's going on with him. One minute he's being the sweetest guy... then he gets angry that I won't do what he wants.

I'm upset because he chose to remove the condom and despite him owning that mistake this situation is all about how he feels and him trying to get me on board.

Some of the comments on this thread have been awful... I'm from a large family and have told my 6 siblings this afternoon x my 5 sisters have just driven over to mine with flowers and chocolates and we're having a movie afternoon x we are just going to hope that this little bean grows for us x

My brother who doesn't really say much... said consent was given when he removed the condom..

I'm actually a really lovely mother, sister and friend I've not caused anyone any malice in my life... some people need to think before they write.

@Comedycook
“I agree. Having another at 41 when you already have four and will be a single mum is utter madness. It's certainly not in the best interests of your existing children. Five kids on your own? You must be made of stronger stuff than me!”

Surely it’s nobody else’s business if OP is happy to go ahead with this pregnancy? Single mum or not.Her kids are grown up.
She has said she’s financially able to raise another child alone and if dad was willing to be involved she wouldn’t be alone !

I've just come across this thread also.

Firstly you clearly want this baby.You're also 41,this might be your last chance to be able to conceive naturally and have another child;if you waited 2 years like he says then you'll be 43 and your chances of conceiving will be low;the below is off the internet

At 40, your chances of getting pregnant within a year are about 40 to 50 percent. To compare, a woman in her mid-30s has about a 75 percent chance. And by age 43, a woman's chance of getting pregnant within a year drops significantly to only 1 or 2 percent.

There's the chance he may also end the relationship in that time and he'll have taken that opportunity from you by coercing you into a termination.I'm pro choice and believe that no woman should be pressured into doing something she doesn't want wether that be keeping a pregnancy or terminating it.

For you it sounds as though the only thing you need to terminate is your relationship with this man.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

I'm upset because he chose to remove the condom and despite him owning that mistake this situation is all about how he feels and him trying to get me on board.

The above ⬆️ is called stealthing and is illegal.

Firstly I think this has to be your choice if you both disagree and so long as you are willing to go it alone and realistic that it will be harder this time around potentially as age is makes most things harder I don't see the issue.

The only thing I will say in his defence is you mention he has a 5 year old for a week and needs a week for recovery after. I really don't think this is a man who is physically ready for a baby any more than he is mentally/emotionally so I do get some of his reluctance. I don't really think this will change once the baby is along either as he does not sound ready for this at all or invested.

That said, you seem happy to go it alone so it is kind of a moot point. My main worry relationship wise is if the worst did happen and you did lose it at any point for ant reason I don't think you would forgive him for hoe he has been through this. I'm sorry you have to go this alone but your other 4 seemed to have turned put amazingly so fingers crossed this is more of the same 🤞
Good luck OP

OP i really hope this turns out the way you want it. Sounds like you've had a lucky escape from this man showing you who he really is.

You can do this! I'm glad you have supportive friends you can talk to.

The reason he’s asking you about holidays and being sweet one minute and not the next is because he’s getting desperate and switching manipulation tactics. Horrible.

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape from this man

Hardly, she's pregnant with his child...she could have two decades worth of shit to deal with from him.... doesn't exactly scream lucky escape to me.

@Popalina65 your family and friends sound amazing 🥰 And your existing children sound absolutely fantastic. This whole thing must have been a horrible experience and I'm sorry that this man has been such a let-down. Wishing you all the best going forwards. I hope the scan and everything goes well for you tomorrow. Lean on the people in your life who care, of which it seems you have many! And best of luck with everything going forwards. ❤️

Your brother is bang on