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Original poster

Partner's mental health crisis, pressure to have an abortion

83 replies

Aimos · 31/01/2023 11:40

Hello

TW: abortion and suicide.

I'm sorry this is long and heavy but I'm completely unsure what to do. I would really appreciate some advice if anyone has any please.

After I found out I was pregnant, I expected my partner to walk away. I knew he didn't want kids, neither did I, but I was nearly 12 weeks when I found out and decided to keep it. I told him there would be no hard feelings and that he was free to walk away. I wasn't going to force him into anything. To my surprise he said let's do this, proposed, and we told our friends and families. It seemed like everything was going to work out better than I could have expected.

Over the next week his mental health collapsed. He stopped eating and sleeping, was having anxiety attacks, and talking about taking his own life. I ended up taking him to A&E because he was so unwell and I was so scared. In the end he admitted he doesn't want the child, he just wants me. The only thing that make him start to recover was me agreeing to an abortion and also not leaving him.

I hoped when he was feeling stronger he would be able to think again, but we talked again last week and I told him I can't go through with it and his reaction was instant. Crying, shaking, throwing up, talking about how everyone would be better off without him.

I know some people will be sceptical but I have no doubt that his feeling are real. I believe he did and maybe still does think about taking his own life. After A&E he was given some medication and we followed up with his GP who apparently referred him to the mental health team but the referral hasn't come through yet. I don't understand this extreme reaction at all, and he hasn't been able to explain it.

I don't know what to do. Having an abortion will destroy me. If I don't have one my partner will end his life. I wont be able to look at him if I do have an abortion, and I'm so angry that he's doing this to me, but if I don't stick with him, he'll end his life. I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I lost my brother to suicide 2 years ago and I know the complete devestation that causes. I can't go through that again, or put the people who love him through that.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
ditalini · 31/01/2023 11:46

If he ends his life that is to do with his poor mental health and nothing to do with what you choose to do.

Your relationship is realistically over so unfortunately the only thing to do is to separate and protect yourself and your unborn child as best you can.

You can encourage your partner to seek help for his illness but ultimately he will need to do this for himself.

ditalini · 31/01/2023 11:47

I also come from a family affected by suicide - sadly over more than one generation so I don't say this lightly.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2023 11:48

He’s blackmailing you. You can’t fix him. And you can’t abort your baby because of his behaviour.

Hadalifeonce · 31/01/2023 11:50

Can you ask the surgery to call the crisis team to support him?

LimeTreeGrove · 31/01/2023 11:52

ditalini · 31/01/2023 11:46

If he ends his life that is to do with his poor mental health and nothing to do with what you choose to do.

Your relationship is realistically over so unfortunately the only thing to do is to separate and protect yourself and your unborn child as best you can.

You can encourage your partner to seek help for his illness but ultimately he will need to do this for himself.

I agree with this. You can't stay with someone and abort because they are threatening you with suicide

Imisscoffee2021 · 31/01/2023 11:53

You are only responsible for your life, and the life of your child you are carrying. If you did abort you say yourself you couldn't look at him. He's holding you to ransom hugely, in the cruellest way.

Tying his life so intrinsically with you, is blackmail, unhealthy to a toxic degree and sadly a common tactic by those with severe depression. I don't doubt he is depressed and what he's expressing are his true honest to God feelings, but that doesn't mean they trump yours. You don't know how you will feel after aborting your baby, what depression you may end up with.

You can only do what is right for you and your child.

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 11:54

I don't buy it. I think he's a manipulative bastard. Get him sectioned of he's a risk to himself. Call the police on him or something.

TallulahBetty · 31/01/2023 11:55

He is blackmailing you. You are not responsible for anyone's life, apart from your own and your baby's.

GoT1904 · 31/01/2023 12:02

If you abort then your relationship won't be the same. I talk from experience. You're further on as well, not like you are 4/5 weeks, which would be a simpler procedure.

I understand your frustration and predicament, but you're ultimately not responsible for his feelings.

Can you talk to his family and tell them? Maybe he can stay with them and they can help him.

If you terminate a pregnancy that you ultimately wanted to keep, you're 1. Not going to feel the same about him. And 2. Feel tremendous guilt and sadness that will take a lot of working through.

You'd be trying to save him by destroying yourself. I am pro choice, but in this instance I'd urge you to think of you and your baby before your partner.

Moni81 · 31/01/2023 12:06

It's an emotional blackmailing. He should show support for you in this time, not acting like he is victim in this whole situation. If I was you I would focus on what you want and are comfortable with doing. If you abort baby against your own will just to please him, you will grow to hate man you loved. Everyone is different, but if I found myself in similar situation, it would turn me ice cold towards partner, even though I completely understand anxiety and depression myself having dealt with it in past. Mentally weak men scare me, especially when facing such life changing circumstances. Hope you will find solution that works for you, but remember to put your wellbeing and baby first.

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 12:20

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nilsmousehammer · 31/01/2023 12:23

what a horrible situation OP Flowers

The thing to remember is, unfortunately, if you agree to terminate for his sake then what will be the next thing he controls you over through becoming suicidal? Because unfortunately, this will happen. He may be very unwell, but this is an awful thing he is asking you to do for him, knowing that you do not consent and it would make you very unhappy.

You cannot be responsible for keeping the world in bounds that his mental health can cope with. Having tried this myself with an ex it is exhausting, draining, and in the end, impossible.

Felicity42 · 31/01/2023 12:23

'His reaction was instant'
This is acting out.
It's a massive behavioral tantrum.

I'd be ringing his parents and telling them what's going on.
Don't be alone with this. His family know him very well too.

I'd ring both his family and a friend of his and tell them what's happening. That you cannot take responsibility for this and they need to get involved.

This will dilute the power he has over you to coerce you to do his bidding.

This is coercive control.

Either way you need get out of that relationship.

AnotherNameChangeYes · 31/01/2023 12:27

He’s manipulating you. If he chooses to end his life then that’s his choice. Is he going to threaten suicide every time you do something he doesn’t like?

Cadburysucks · 31/01/2023 12:38

Prepare to be a single parent, he is not well enough/wants out. Also watching a parent with mental illness while I was growing up really effected me negatively.

BarbedButterfly · 31/01/2023 12:56

Don't risk your mental health for his. Kindly, he needs a team to support him through this. People in crisis can be selfish and he clearly needs proper professional help. You need to separate from him and look after yourself. Anything that happens is not your fault. Crisis team!

queenqueefy · 31/01/2023 13:02

I would try and contact an outside source ( doctor ) and make them aware of this so it's logged down.

If you want this baby Do not terminate under any circumstances.

I lost my brother to suicide 20 years ago,
So I know everything that comes with losing someone close to it.

He can't put this on you. Good luck.

allgoodthings84 · 31/01/2023 13:07

I lost a close friend to suicide when we were 26. He never once threatened anyone with his feelings to get what he wanted. You’re being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated. The fact he’s reacting immediately something doesn’t go his way shows this. It’s his go to response to get you to abort as he doesn’t want a child. Even if he means it he’s still blackmailing and controlling you to get what he wants.

Do not abort this baby if you do not want to! Tell his family, get him sectioned do whatever you need to do to get him help then walk away as this relationship is never going to work now he’s done this.

I’m so sorry

ItsDinah · 31/01/2023 13:15

What does he "want you" for? It's not because he loves or cares for you. If he did,he would not be pressing you to have an abortion. I fear that he is not safe and could pose a danger to you if he feels that he is not maintaining control of you.

queenqueefy · 31/01/2023 13:16

allgoodthings84 · 31/01/2023 13:07

I lost a close friend to suicide when we were 26. He never once threatened anyone with his feelings to get what he wanted. You’re being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated. The fact he’s reacting immediately something doesn’t go his way shows this. It’s his go to response to get you to abort as he doesn’t want a child. Even if he means it he’s still blackmailing and controlling you to get what he wants.

Do not abort this baby if you do not want to! Tell his family, get him sectioned do whatever you need to do to get him help then walk away as this relationship is never going to work now he’s done this.

I’m so sorry

This! ☝🏻👏🏼

jays · 31/01/2023 13:21

He won’t end his life. Leave him. Have your baby. Do not destroy yourself for him. I promise you, if you do, he’ll destroy both of you down the road. It makes no difference to him if you keep the baby or not, if you terminate, he will always still behave like this. Nothing you do will ever be enough and you’ll have to live with that. Please, think about you and what you want to do and cut him loose. He will bring you nothing but pain and misery. It won’t stop at him wanting you to terminate. It will always be something else.

LeapingCat · 31/01/2023 13:25

The only safe thing for you to do is end the relationship and concentrate on having a healthy pregnancy. His mental health difficulties are not your responsibility and he is using them as an excuse to be massively manipulative and uncaring.

iphonecharger · 31/01/2023 13:27

Do not abort a child you want and can care for. His mental health, while tragic, is not something you can fix, and trying to take that on, while pregnant, is a recipe for disaster.

Gingerkittykat · 31/01/2023 13:36

He knows you have already lost your brother to suicide so he knows exactly how devastating and scary these threats will be to you.

Has she shown signs of poor mental health before? Do you really want to be with someone just because you are scared they are going to end their lives.

If he threatens suicide again you can call the police and ask for a welfare check, I bet his threats will stop then.

Essexgal2023 · 31/01/2023 13:56

Although this is hard to hear it sounds like your relationship is going to end no matter the choice you decide to make. If you have an abortion for your partner - you’re going to regret it, you’ll suffer mentally and as you said it’ll destroy you. If you choose to keep the baby - your partner isn’t going to stay with you and is threatening suicide.

So, if you abort your baby that you obviously love and want you are going to have neither your partner or baby. I do think you’ll regret this.

Your partner is being very manipulative by telling you to abort or he will commit suicide. The position he is putting you in as absolutely horrific. I personally feel like most people who throw out the “I’ll commit suicide if you don’t do this” usually just say this for blackmail. That is not me saying your partner doesn’t have mental health, it sounds like he is genuinely really struggling. But you are responsible for your life and without sounding horrible, if he uses this once he may do it again in the future.

Myself writing this, I had an abortion at 19 years old. I fell pregnant on the pill - didn’t find out until 8-ish weeks and my partner of 2 years told me he would end up killing himself if I didn’t abort. I was young, naive and aborted my baby that I wanted. We broke up a month later as things just wasn’t the same. So I lost him, and more importantly my baby. Now I look back I genuinely do not think he would of committed suicide, it was just a way of him to get me to have an abortion. I have always regretted it.