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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Partner's mental health crisis, pressure to have an abortion

83 replies

Aimos · 31/01/2023 11:40

Hello

TW: abortion and suicide.

I'm sorry this is long and heavy but I'm completely unsure what to do. I would really appreciate some advice if anyone has any please.

After I found out I was pregnant, I expected my partner to walk away. I knew he didn't want kids, neither did I, but I was nearly 12 weeks when I found out and decided to keep it. I told him there would be no hard feelings and that he was free to walk away. I wasn't going to force him into anything. To my surprise he said let's do this, proposed, and we told our friends and families. It seemed like everything was going to work out better than I could have expected.

Over the next week his mental health collapsed. He stopped eating and sleeping, was having anxiety attacks, and talking about taking his own life. I ended up taking him to A&E because he was so unwell and I was so scared. In the end he admitted he doesn't want the child, he just wants me. The only thing that make him start to recover was me agreeing to an abortion and also not leaving him.

I hoped when he was feeling stronger he would be able to think again, but we talked again last week and I told him I can't go through with it and his reaction was instant. Crying, shaking, throwing up, talking about how everyone would be better off without him.

I know some people will be sceptical but I have no doubt that his feeling are real. I believe he did and maybe still does think about taking his own life. After A&E he was given some medication and we followed up with his GP who apparently referred him to the mental health team but the referral hasn't come through yet. I don't understand this extreme reaction at all, and he hasn't been able to explain it.

I don't know what to do. Having an abortion will destroy me. If I don't have one my partner will end his life. I wont be able to look at him if I do have an abortion, and I'm so angry that he's doing this to me, but if I don't stick with him, he'll end his life. I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I lost my brother to suicide 2 years ago and I know the complete devestation that causes. I can't go through that again, or put the people who love him through that.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

ClaudiusTheGod · 01/02/2023 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wtf? That’s a terrible thing to say

MayThe4th · 01/02/2023 11:23

Oh come on, suicide has been used as a threat to control people (mostly women) with for years.

Feeling shaken by an unwanted pregnancy is one thing, threatening your partner that you’ll kill yourself if she doesn’t have a termination has absolutely nothing to do with genuine mental health and everything to do with abuse and control.

I am absolutely sick of seeing mental health being used as a stick to beat people with and to control them, and nobody can say anything because … mental health.

He, and only he, is responsible for his mental health. I would bet my house that he won’t kill himself.

And I would also bet my house that if the OP terminated the pregnancy, he would use suicide as a constant tactic to blackmail her.

MichelleScarn · 01/02/2023 11:27

Agree @MayThe4th along with putting all the blame fully on OP.

"How could you do that, I wasn't well, it was fully your decision, I'll never recover from this, its made me worse you doing this'

user1470648380 · 01/02/2023 14:21

Also want to go against the grain here and encourage compassion for someone (OP's partner) experiencing what sounds like a terrifying episode. Those who have been through something similar or witnessed it in a loved one know the difference between this and 'dramatics'.

Agree that OP shouldn't terminate a much wanted pregnancy but should seek as much help and support as possible for her partner. The right help from a trained professional will get him to the root of this extreme reaction and then, with a clear head, you together can decide what keeping the child means for your future as a couple. If getting nowhere with the NHS I'd recommend contacting Mind.

AllOfThemWitches · 01/02/2023 14:35

Agree that OP shouldn't terminate a much wanted pregnancy but should seek as much help and support as possible for her partner.

But she has her pregnancy to focus on, her partner is an adult, it's on him to seek help for himself.

user1470648380 · 01/02/2023 14:41

For me you can't put up that kind of a wall between you and the person you love especially at a time of crisis. The stress of his poor health and/or a separation has an impact on her well-being too, so even if only for selfish reasons it can't hurt to try to help.

LittleLegoWoman · 01/02/2023 14:47

Fuck him.
Tell him you’re leaving him and never want to hear from him again. I’d consider telling him you’re going to abort and then doing whatever you want. I’d keep the baby.

queenqueefy · 01/02/2023 15:49

@Aimos

Are you ok? Please come back and update us.

BCBird · 01/02/2023 15:58

I really feel for you. I understand he may not want a child but not the extreme reaction.Has he lost someone close to him.due to childbirth? Whatever his experiences it is not fair you hold you to ransom. I understand your fears about suicide as I am tormented by the suicide of my partner but I don't think you can nor should take this on. I think contacting his family,could be a good idea. Explore all avenues with the health service too. Good luck to u.

rach971 · 01/02/2023 16:08

He's blackmailing you. Please get out. Your relationship is over regardless, and you can't just abort a baby because he's thr

rach971 · 01/02/2023 16:12

*pressed post by accident in last message
He's blackmailing you. Please get out. Your relationship is over regardless, and you can't just abort a baby because he's threatening to kill himself. If his mental health is that bad that he's suddenly threatening suicide because you're pregnant then he genuinely needs professional help. It sounds like you want this baby, and you've made the decision to keep it. Think of your baby, think of your future, your feelings. Look after you and do what's best for you and your baby, not somebody who is trying to control you and blackmail you. I've been with people who threaten to kill themselves and let me tell you, they never do and they're all still here today, it's just control and manipulation. Also, I understand people not wanting children, but not a huge over the top reaction like he's given. Run and don't look back ♥️

TheShellBeach · 01/02/2023 16:15

He knows what he's doing, I think.
He is aware of your brother's suicide.
He doesn't want to be a father and is doing his best to manipulate you into having an abortion.
Outrageous behavior from him and I do not believe he is suicidal for a moment.
Whatever happens, you're going to be a single parent. I'm sorry he's acting up like this and trying to make you feel guilty.

MisschiefMaker · 01/02/2023 16:27

You can't fix his MH problems, OP.

Hubblebubble · 01/02/2023 16:35

He's abusing you, that's coercive control and emotional abuse.

Choconut · 01/02/2023 16:39

'In the end he admitted he doesn't want the child, he just wants me.'

He may 'want' you OP but you are not a possession, he doesn't own you or have any right to try to control you.

'I told him I can't go through with it and his reaction was instant.Crying, shaking, throwing up, talking about how everyone would be better off without him.'

So if you have his baby everyone would be better off without him - but if you have an abortion then everyone wouldn't be better off without him? It's nonsense OP, it literally makes no sense and is just his way of emotionally manipulating you into doing what he wants.

You are not responsible for his choices, you've given him the option to walk away scot free - but that's still not enough for him. The only thing he cares about is getting what he wants, he doesn't care about your feelings or what you want.

He's a selfish, pathetic, controlling arsehole OP. Leave him to his pity party and be a bloody fantastic mum to that wonderful child of yours.

suzyscat · 01/02/2023 16:54

I don't know, I think he has a point. OP would be significantly better off without him.
This is beyond manipulative. Run for the hills OP.

MichelleScarn · 01/02/2023 17:07

user1470648380 · 01/02/2023 14:21

Sorry but I feel that's really unfair. The op has enough going on with the pregnancy and everything to be doing 'as much as possible' fr him. Supporting him to contact his doctor yes, but giving into his blackmail and wishes
to Be her main focus is wrong and unfair.

BloodAndFire · 01/02/2023 17:14

The relationship is over, whatever you choose to do about the pregnancy.

Personally, I would not want to be tied to him for the next 18+ years. I had an abortion 25 years ago and I have always been grateful that I no longer have to have contact with the total dickhead whose baby it was.

But do whatever you want to do with the understanding that you have to end the relationship

FuckNuggets · 01/02/2023 17:18

Threatening suicide if you leave him is abuse. You can't stay with him now, you'll never be happy. A relationship is a choice not a bloody prison sentence. Leave him and keep the baby. He's responsible for his own mental health, whilst you're responsible for your own. Why should his take precedence over yours?

Mischance · 01/02/2023 17:19

So - he doesn't want the baby and you do. So he gets sent on his way and you go it alone. If you aborted this baby against your own wishes, the relationship would be over anyway, so the way forward is clear.

You continue with the pregnancy and keep the baby; he goes his own way and does not have a baby, which is what he wants.

He simply cannot blackmail you: my life or the baby's. It is wholly unacceptable.

He wants just you and no baby - it is something he cannot have. He needs to be seen urgently by the mental health team.

Duckingella · 01/02/2023 17:24

Threatening to commit suicide if some doesn't comply with their demands is a form of domestic abuse.

Bringing a child up with someone with severe mental health issues and doesn't want said child will end badly;I grew up with a father who has a long history of depression,anger issues,violent behaviour which led to domestic violence/child abuse and what I suspect is undiagnosed ASD who made it abundantly clear he never wanted kids has been very damaging for me and it's chased me all the way to my late thirties until I could find the courage to address it (and he still manipulates my mum with threats of suicide to this day)

If you decide to have an abortion you should only do it so you're not tied to your partner.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 01/02/2023 17:32

This must be incredibly stressful and triggering considering what happened with your brother. I'm so sorry OP

What I would do in your shoes is end the relationship but keep the baby. If he threatens suicide again, just call 999, tell them what he is threatening and let them judge the best way to deal with it. You have to look after yourself and the baby now.

(This is extremely controversial, and I know a lot of people might be appalled by this suggestion, but I'd probably tell him I was getting an abortion and never let him know otherwise, changing my name and location if necessary. A man who is prepared to blackmail with threats of suicide in order to obtain an abortion is not someone I'd ever want to have any sphere of influence over my child)

LemonSwan · 01/02/2023 17:33

So sorry Op. I don’t see a way back from this for the relationship so you need to think about yourself.

Congratulations on the pregnancy. I won’t lie it’s tough work and there will be times when you cry out of pure exhaustion and think what have I done. But my god it is all a million times worth it and it is the most amazing thing in the world. The first time they smile, first time they giggle, first time they say mama. Priceless. Enjoy your baby 🥰

Chocolatefreak · 01/02/2023 17:46

This is very difficult timing for you but you still have choices. I feel so very sorry for you and I agree with other posters, whatever happens, this relationship is over. It is so easy to think that this is the only chance you will have to have a child but it's not. You could have one with a supportive partner in happier circumstances.

C2190 · 01/02/2023 18:17

OP, think of this,

You go ahead with the abortion that you never wanted to have. His MH springs back to life and yours plummets to the ground. He can't understand what the problem is as he's happy now, right?

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