Partner's mental health crisis, pressure to have an abortion

[Aimos]

Hello

TW: abortion and suicide.

I'm sorry this is long and heavy but I'm completely unsure what to do. I would really appreciate some advice if anyone has any please.

After I found out I was pregnant, I expected my partner to walk away. I knew he didn't want kids, neither did I, but I was nearly 12 weeks when I found out and decided to keep it. I told him there would be no hard feelings and that he was free to walk away. I wasn't going to force him into anything. To my surprise he said let's do this, proposed, and we told our friends and families. It seemed like everything was going to work out better than I could have expected.

Over the next week his mental health collapsed. He stopped eating and sleeping, was having anxiety attacks, and talking about taking his own life. I ended up taking him to A&E because he was so unwell and I was so scared. In the end he admitted he doesn't want the child, he just wants me. The only thing that make him start to recover was me agreeing to an abortion and also not leaving him.

I hoped when he was feeling stronger he would be able to think again, but we talked again last week and I told him I can't go through with it and his reaction was instant. Crying, shaking, throwing up, talking about how everyone would be better off without him.

I know some people will be sceptical but I have no doubt that his feeling are real. I believe he did and maybe still does think about taking his own life. After A&E he was given some medication and we followed up with his GP who apparently referred him to the mental health team but the referral hasn't come through yet. I don't understand this extreme reaction at all, and he hasn't been able to explain it.

I don't know what to do. Having an abortion will destroy me. If I don't have one my partner will end his life. I wont be able to look at him if I do have an abortion, and I'm so angry that he's doing this to me, but if I don't stick with him, he'll end his life. I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I lost my brother to suicide 2 years ago and I know the complete devestation that causes. I can't go through that again, or put the people who love him through that.

Thanks in advance.

He's trying to manipulate and control you op and probably knowing what happened to your brother he's using this as a cruel weapon

Get away from him asap.

Hello everyone

Wow. Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it and you've made me feel less alone.

I haven't been able to see it from the outside so hadn't thought of it as abuse. I love him and I do believe that at least part of his reaction is genuine but as some have said here if he did love me he wouldn't be putting me through this.

I'm working through a plan in my mind now. His dad is elderly and he doesnt have any other family but I'm going to contact his closest friends and explain. I know this is stupid but I've held off talking to anyone because I don't want them to juge him, and for him to lose the people who can support him.

I'm going to contact Mind and get some info that I can give him. And when we talk and he goes downhill again I'll contact 111 and his friends.

Still terrified but seeing a little clearer now. Thank you again.

Hi OP
You’re bound to feel a bit unsettled with everything that is going on.
plus nobody is totally awful or totally good - you perhaps have a lot of mixed feelings about your partner and the pregnancy.

it’s good you have a bit of a plan. No need to rush and make a decision on ending the relationship (or telling him it is over) if you still need a little time to reflect.

@Aimos However much you love him, men are ten a penny and no man is really any more special than another. You will love your child a million times more than however much you think you love your partner.

My ex husband had a similar response to me saying I was leaving him. He planned his suicide, and I had to tell myself very firmly that if he chose that route, it was not my fault.

10 years on, he's still alive and kicking.

This sounds like pure emotional manipulation to force you into doing what he wants. Please get him out of your life

If having an abortion will destroy you, it doesn't sound like that's an option. Either way, end your relationship - you can't stay with someone who behaves this way over such an important decision, whatever his reasons.

@Aimos are you ok?

Hi, I hope you are doing ok? Sorry to read your going through such a tough time. Please don't let your decision about having your baby be influenced by this. If you want to keep the baby, you should definitely do so. This must be very hard to cope with and I feel very sad for you. Most people who actually commit suicide don't actually tell anyone they are going too so I honestly think your partner is bluffing about this and trying to manipulate you. I don't have any pregnancy related experience of this type of situation but my ex husband threatened suicide several times after I left him. He even turned up at my house one evening with slit weights, but slit the wrong way and not deeply, didn't require any treatment. At the time I was so scared that I allowed him to stay and agreed to get back with him. The next morning I realised it was just manipulation and told him I didn't want to get back together. If you have an abortion against your will to suit him, I doubt your relationship will survive as you will probably become very resentful towards your partner and eventually stop loving him.
I hope you are ok OP