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Original poster

Partner's mental health crisis, pressure to have an abortion

83 replies

Aimos · 31/01/2023 11:40

Hello

TW: abortion and suicide.

I'm sorry this is long and heavy but I'm completely unsure what to do. I would really appreciate some advice if anyone has any please.

After I found out I was pregnant, I expected my partner to walk away. I knew he didn't want kids, neither did I, but I was nearly 12 weeks when I found out and decided to keep it. I told him there would be no hard feelings and that he was free to walk away. I wasn't going to force him into anything. To my surprise he said let's do this, proposed, and we told our friends and families. It seemed like everything was going to work out better than I could have expected.

Over the next week his mental health collapsed. He stopped eating and sleeping, was having anxiety attacks, and talking about taking his own life. I ended up taking him to A&E because he was so unwell and I was so scared. In the end he admitted he doesn't want the child, he just wants me. The only thing that make him start to recover was me agreeing to an abortion and also not leaving him.

I hoped when he was feeling stronger he would be able to think again, but we talked again last week and I told him I can't go through with it and his reaction was instant. Crying, shaking, throwing up, talking about how everyone would be better off without him.

I know some people will be sceptical but I have no doubt that his feeling are real. I believe he did and maybe still does think about taking his own life. After A&E he was given some medication and we followed up with his GP who apparently referred him to the mental health team but the referral hasn't come through yet. I don't understand this extreme reaction at all, and he hasn't been able to explain it.

I don't know what to do. Having an abortion will destroy me. If I don't have one my partner will end his life. I wont be able to look at him if I do have an abortion, and I'm so angry that he's doing this to me, but if I don't stick with him, he'll end his life. I'm stuck and have no idea what to do. I lost my brother to suicide 2 years ago and I know the complete devestation that causes. I can't go through that again, or put the people who love him through that.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
WineCap · 31/01/2023 22:39

You poor thing. I wouldn't go through with the abortion in your shoes and echo what others have said. I couldn't be in a relationship with this man as there is no going back on the fact he put that ultimatum to you. He has shown his true colours. Protect yourself and get the hell out. You would be throwing your own life away for staying with this manipulative bully.

OrcaBlondie · 01/02/2023 07:55

I assume he had a mental health act assessment when you took him to A&E but they didn’t deem him appropriate for admission? When was the referral sent to the mental health team? It might be worth chasing them - he may have been booked in for an appointment already and a letter might be in the post.

I agree with what others have said - do not go through with an abortion if that isn’t what you want to do. You will massively regret it. You’ll never forgive him or yourself. Your boyfriend might be threatening to take his life but he clearly needs some form of help (if he truly is mentally unwell) otherwise he is being very controlling and mentally abusive towards you and if he is threatening something so serious by a way of trying to control you then you should steer well away in my opinion!

How long have you been together? Does he have a mental health diagnosis or has he been in crisis before?

Others have said to call the police to get him sectioned but this isn’t so straight forward. You would be best to call 111 and select option 2 to speak to the mental health crisis team and they will arrange urgent support and an assessment if needed - whether that be police or a mental healthcare professional. Obviously if there is a threat to life you should call 999. Or alternatively go to A&E as you have done previously.

MudLady · 01/02/2023 08:01

Interesting that he’s so opposed to fatherhood that he’s threatening suicide & begging you not to leave, but he apparently hasn’t got a vasectomy. Why is this all your responsibility to sort out - long term contraception, now an unplanned baby, his mental health?

lifeinthehills · 01/02/2023 08:02

If his mental health is that fragile, having an abortion is only a temporary band aid. Eventually there will be something else that distresses him. Is he going to do this every time you want to do something that doesn't sit comfortably for him? With what you've written about the baby and not wanting an abortion, it sounds like your mental health will suffer if you do abort.

Whatever happens OP, if he does take his own life, it has nothing to do with you or this baby. Like another poster said, it's his own mental health that would be the cause.

RooBear9 · 01/02/2023 08:20

Felicity42 · 31/01/2023 12:23

'His reaction was instant'
This is acting out.
It's a massive behavioral tantrum.

I'd be ringing his parents and telling them what's going on.
Don't be alone with this. His family know him very well too.

I'd ring both his family and a friend of his and tell them what's happening. That you cannot take responsibility for this and they need to get involved.

This will dilute the power he has over you to coerce you to do his bidding.

This is coercive control.

Either way you need get out of that relationship.

Absolutely this!! Tell everyone what he's doing.

StarsSand · 01/02/2023 08:27

Felicity42 · 31/01/2023 12:23

'His reaction was instant'
This is acting out.
It's a massive behavioral tantrum.

I'd be ringing his parents and telling them what's going on.
Don't be alone with this. His family know him very well too.

I'd ring both his family and a friend of his and tell them what's happening. That you cannot take responsibility for this and they need to get involved.

This will dilute the power he has over you to coerce you to do his bidding.

This is coercive control.

Either way you need get out of that relationship.

Yes. This.

My god. I'm so sorry OP.

Link him in with some help and dump him.

Enjoy your beautiful baby.

If his mental health is that fragile then if it's not the baby it will just be something else. You can't spend your life curating the world to suit him. He needs to get well, if he is in fact sick at all.

StarsSand · 01/02/2023 08:37

I'm very sorry about your brother. This must be incredibly stressful and traumatic for you.

Please take care of your own mental health and get some support.

The pressure he is trying to inflict on you is unconscionable.

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 01/02/2023 08:43

He's blackmailing you. If you have the abortion and he stays there will be a next time - over something else - because his behaviour worked. Next time it might be over a dream job you are going for, or your relationship with a friend.

Leave. It can take people decades of misery to finally realise they are not responsible for their partner's MH. Leave. have your child and have a happy life.

DorritLittle · 01/02/2023 08:52

You decided to keep it, and offered him a way out. He did not take it and is now manipulating you into abortion. I agree, this is coercive control.

I have been with someone who used past suicide attempts as a way to emotionally manipulate me. I got out, after I decided I was not repsonsible his actions, and never regret the day I did. As an aside, what is actually appealing about a relationship like this, baby or no baby?

Kladebs · 01/02/2023 09:36

My ex told me to abort or he was gone, then last minute decided to continue the pregnancy ( much to my relief). Much more to the story, but that's irrelevant to this.
Things went bad anyway within weeks. Once he realised I'd wised up, the threats of suicide came. He made a point of walking into my house, told me he planned to end it that day and walked out. He did this a couple of times.
Like someone suggested, I rang his family to get help, deep down I knew it was a last ditch attempt to control the situation and me. But I was still worried and a total mess.
I had my booking in with the midwife a couple of hours later, blurted it all out.
He's been noted down as an emotional abuser, and health visitor has already been warned. If I took him back, a report will be made to social services ( also in part due to his alcoholism).

My point is, if he was going to, he wouldn't be so vocal about it and would have already found a way, as awful as that sounds.

I'm now 21 weeks pregnant, and I know if I'd have aborted, I'd have never forgiven him or myself and I wouldn't be in the good mental state I am now.

MayThe4th · 01/02/2023 09:47

He is an abusive cunt. Mental health my arse. It’s despicable the way some people use it as a threat tactic.

If he kills himself then that is his decision. Nothing to do with you and what you do or don’t do.

Tell him you’re having this baby, but not to worry, the fact that he’s so unstable means you’ll never actually let him near it and are prepared to go to court to be sure.

Then throw the fucker out.

onepieceoflollipop · 01/02/2023 10:00

Hi OP

You’ve had some excellent advice on here, particularly the pp who described your dp’s instant reaction as a behavioural tantrum.

I’d echo what others have said about continuing with the pregnancy if this is your decision and not bowing to his manipulative demands.

I’m a mental health professional - clearly I won’t try to diagnose him. I wonder if you have an element of doubt that perhaps he really is mentally ill? Well yes, he could be but he will have had the option to see a mental health professional at A&E. He may have declined this of course…

If you still have worries then as others have said you (or better still a family member of even he can do it for himself) can find out the process of making a referral to the local Crisis Team. I’d strongly advise that you ‘hand this over’ either to an appropriate friend/family member or a professional. Tell them that you seem to be making him feel worse so it’s kinder for you to leave him to the professionals and people who aren’t upsetting him!!

All the very best with the pregnancy and any tricky decisions you have to make regarding him.

onepieceoflollipop · 01/02/2023 10:03

(Oh and just to add I had a total wanker of an ex and was pregnant. In my case I had a miscarriage but I don’t doubt he was revving up to display bad behaviour like you ‘d’p is doing…so I understand a little of what you’re going through)
this was years ago, I’m ok - and old now!! x

Mama1980 · 01/02/2023 10:05

This is nothing more than abusive blackmail.
He is not your responsibility, his actions are not on you.
You want you a baby = Keep your baby - I wish you a healthy pregnancy.

Nosleepforthismum · 01/02/2023 10:23

Also not buying it. He’s a twat. I feel furious on your behalf. He’s emotionally blackmailing you and presumably he knew what happened to your brother so is being doubly cruel. Don’t even get sucked in with feeling sorry for this man. I’d be telling him to go ahead with whatever he wanted to do and block him on every platform and focus on you and your baby.

purpledalmation · 01/02/2023 10:33

Walk away from him. Abortion at this stage is very traumatic and I would not do this (and I am very pro abortion in the right circumstances). Even if you did have an abortion, it doesn't guarantee his mental health. Just walk.

maranella · 01/02/2023 10:38

Jesus Christ! He's done a real job on you OP.

This man is a master manipulator. Please end the relationship right now. Whatever he chooses to do or not do is not on you.

And as for your pregnancy, do as you wish with it. If you want to continue, do so. But don't get an abortion because this manipulator is blackmailing you. If you want to do this alone and know that you can, go ahead. You don't need him in your life and neither does your potential DC.

housemaus · 01/02/2023 10:41

I'm going to go against the grain and assume his reaction is genuine.

Presumably he's having a very strong reaction to feeling trapped/terrified by this huge, life-changing thing he didn't want (and thought you didn't want - of course it's easy to say, well he should know you could have changed your mind at any time and that's true, but that doesn't make it less terrifying in the moment).

I feel for him: I would be equally terrified in his shoes.

I can easily see, living with someone with complicated mental health, how this might have resulted in such an extreme reaction. If it were my DH he wouldn't be doing this to manipulate me as PPs have said, but because he cannot mentally cope with feeling out of control of events. He responds very poorly to big life changes and they're often the biggest set-backs in his MH.

HOWEVER.

You've made your decision - you're continuing with the pregnancy. And his response, while I can understand it and could easily see how this would affect your partner this way, is extreme as a result of his poor mental health, not your decision. He has to deal with that, not you, preferably with medical help. Don't let the severity of his response (which is a medical issue) trick you into thinking how you handle it needs to be equally severe.

He needs medical help and you need to take a step back and look after yourself and your pregnancy. Any decisions he makes as a result of his clearly poor mental health are not your fault, not your responsibility, and not something that should factor into your decision making right now.

JanusTheFirst · 01/02/2023 10:42

Suicide is a choice. I came to terms with the suicide of a close friends by accepting this.

Tell him it's up to him but you will not live your and your baby's lives at his control.

Footle · 01/02/2023 10:45

A woman I knew in this situation had the abortion. She ended the relationship as she couldn't bear to be with him. He went on to have two children in a new relationship. She didn't.

AllOfThemWitches · 01/02/2023 10:55

Shouldn't have been having sex with women if he didn't want to get one pregnant

itsanabanana · 01/02/2023 10:57

housemaus · 01/02/2023 10:41

I'm going to go against the grain and assume his reaction is genuine.

Presumably he's having a very strong reaction to feeling trapped/terrified by this huge, life-changing thing he didn't want (and thought you didn't want - of course it's easy to say, well he should know you could have changed your mind at any time and that's true, but that doesn't make it less terrifying in the moment).

I feel for him: I would be equally terrified in his shoes.

I can easily see, living with someone with complicated mental health, how this might have resulted in such an extreme reaction. If it were my DH he wouldn't be doing this to manipulate me as PPs have said, but because he cannot mentally cope with feeling out of control of events. He responds very poorly to big life changes and they're often the biggest set-backs in his MH.

HOWEVER.

You've made your decision - you're continuing with the pregnancy. And his response, while I can understand it and could easily see how this would affect your partner this way, is extreme as a result of his poor mental health, not your decision. He has to deal with that, not you, preferably with medical help. Don't let the severity of his response (which is a medical issue) trick you into thinking how you handle it needs to be equally severe.

He needs medical help and you need to take a step back and look after yourself and your pregnancy. Any decisions he makes as a result of his clearly poor mental health are not your fault, not your responsibility, and not something that should factor into your decision making right now.

I agree with what's been written here. Sounds like he is feeling completely out of control and his mental health has taken a nose dive so he isn't thinking rationally. However even if can't see it at the moment his behaviour is emotional blackmail. He can't control what you do with your body, it's your choice and you've said ending the pregnancy will devastate you. Can you reach out to his family and ask for their support? So that you can focus on yourself and your pregnancy in the knowledge that others are taking care of him? You are NOT responsible for his actions.

wildseas · 01/02/2023 11:00

I think that the kindest thing that you can do is make your decision to go ahead with the pregnancy and stick to it. You could consider stopping discussing anything with him until he feels better - if you’re going ahead there is plenty of time before he needs to make a decision on any involvement.

If his reaction is genuine, and you obviously feel it is, then it seems to be happening in response to change. You being calm and consistent will help with this. As will giving him time without discussing to process.

Other people’s suggestions that you ask his family or friends to support him are excellent. They are outside the situation so he can talk to them freely.

If you can afford to do so, you could suggest private mental health support. Or does he have a family member who would cover the cost?

Given your family history suicide threats are going to be very triggering for you. But know that they aren’t your responsibility. Suicidal thoughts are considered a medical emergency and so you can support him by calling medical professionals such as 101 or your local crisis team every time he tells you that he is having suicidal thoughts. This won’t be easy but is the best way to protect him.

Like other posters, I do think that there is a chance that he isn’t being genuine here, and I think if you follow some of mine and previous posters suggestions for ways to support without ending the pregnancy, you’ll soon be able to see if he is genuine or not.

MotherofKitties · 01/02/2023 11:03

You are not responsible for anyones mental health. You need to know that.

Regardless of his mental health he is being manipulative and is trying to bully you into having an abortion you've said you do not want. This relationship is dead and you will never forgive him nor recover from having an unwanted abortion.

End the relationship and walk away. I'm sorry, it's harsh and you're in such a hard situation but this is not your doing and you can't help him. Focus on the health of your baby and that of yourself. Wishing you all the best OP xx

MichelleScarn · 01/02/2023 11:19

Agree with all the he's blackmailing you and is incredibly selfish.

Also what's he going to start demanding next? Don't see your friends/family as that's just too much for him?

If he is so unwell that he's thinking this irrationally he should be treated as a medical emergency and this is not something for you to manage!