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Original poster

AIBU - My partner should take responsibility for my son?

83 replies

MumOfTwoBeans · 01/01/2023 09:06

I have a 2 year old son and I have a baby on the way with my partner.

I live with this man but he doesn’t like doing things for my son. He says my son is not his responsibility and that he shouldn’t have to do things for him but he does anyway, usually after he’s expressed he doesn’t want to or mumbling/moaning under his breath.

He says I favour my son over our unborn child and that I spoil my son.

I feel like I’ve failed as a mum because my son has got a dad who doesn’t bother and another dad who doesn’t want to deal with him.

Are my expectations too high? What would you do? I don’t want to stay with someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for my child as his own, especially at his young age, it’s not fair on him and I don’t want it to affect his development

OP posts:
musingsinmidlife · 01/01/2023 09:07

Is he the father of your 2 year old?

Fairydustandsparklylights · 01/01/2023 09:07

How long have you been together? How old was your son when you met? What are you asking him to do?

Blueyismylife · 01/01/2023 09:09

Why on earth are you with this man, and I presume having a baby with him, when he treats your son like this? And by default you. Either he wants to be a proper part of your lives or he doesn't.

MolesOnPoles · 01/01/2023 09:09

This sounds like a crappy relationship.

Did he really want to be step father, or did it happen very quickly after you got (presumably accidentally) pregnant?

Sux2buthen · 01/01/2023 09:09

If he's not all in that's a lot of years for your first child to feel rejected.
Sorry you're in this situation

WhatDoYouWantNow · 01/01/2023 09:09

If he isn't the father to your 2 year old, you really can't expect him to take responsibility for the child. Where's the dad? What does he do for the 2 year old?

GrazingSheep · 01/01/2023 09:09

What would you do? I don’t want to stay with someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for my child as his own, especially at his young age, it’s not fair on him and I don’t want it to affect his development

I’d leave him. Is that something you feel you can do?

Catterpillarwithconverse · 01/01/2023 09:11

How did you get this far in the relationship without discussing both of your expectations?

minmooch · 01/01/2023 09:11

Do not stay with this man.

You favour your son over an unborn child? How is that even possible.

This man will make your son's life a misery. And yours in turn.

Please put your child first and leave this man.

Please please please do not subject your son to a life with this man.

musingsinmidlife · 01/01/2023 09:12

Read the step parent board. The posts there are that the step parent has zero responsibilities for step children and that 100% of the care and parenting of that child remains with the child’s two actual parents.

SpangoDweller · 01/01/2023 09:12

Your expectations are not too high. But you do seem to have had a lot going on over the last three years which might not be the best way to approach things.

What are his good qualities? if you want to continue your relationship with this man, set out exactly what you expect from him as a member of a family of four, where both children are treated fairly and equitably. If he doesn’t meet your standards, then fuck him off.

ArcticSkewer · 01/01/2023 09:12

What I would do is leave and not date again for a number of years, instead focus on raising those children and make them the centre of your world.

Hugasauras · 01/01/2023 09:14

I think when you have a v young kid and are having another together, he doesn't have the luxury of opting out of being a father figure to the young child. It's not the same as older stepchildren or blended families later in life. You can't bring up two young children so close in age and treat them totally differently.

He sounds like a bit of a prick tbh OP, and I think it's a shame you got pregnant again so quickly when your child is still so young, especially with a man like that Sad For the sake of your son, I would get the hell out.

Hugasauras · 01/01/2023 09:14

musingsinmidlife · 01/01/2023 09:12

Read the step parent board. The posts there are that the step parent has zero responsibilities for step children and that 100% of the care and parenting of that child remains with the child’s two actual parents.

This is usually with much older kids though, not toddlers and babies. Older kids can understand that in a way a toddler can't.

Justcallmebebes · 01/01/2023 09:20

He sounds vile and not at all father material. What was he like with your son before you got pregnant?

You are all your little boy has, don't choose a prick of a man over your son

BadShepherd · 01/01/2023 09:21

You leave because he will treat your first son like the dirt on his shoe and it will NOT improve with the appearance of his biological son.

You don’t choose dick over children.

winterpastasalad · 01/01/2023 09:24

Leave this man OP. Things will escalate when your baby is born. Your partner has already made it clear he really resents your son,hes going yo get worse.

GreenManalishi · 01/01/2023 09:24

Your expectations are not high enough.

For yourself but more importantly for your 2 year old, and more than likely your unborn child. With respect any damage that your worried about your ds sustaining from his father not wanting a relationship with him is being compounded massively by your current choice of partner.

ArcticSkewer · 01/01/2023 09:24

musingsinmidlife · 01/01/2023 09:12

Read the step parent board. The posts there are that the step parent has zero responsibilities for step children and that 100% of the care and parenting of that child remains with the child’s two actual parents.

Her new partner is denigrating her two year old child and already setting up a 'my child' 'someone elses child' dynamic.

This will get worse.
She needs to leave

MeJane · 01/01/2023 09:26

ArcticSkewer · 01/01/2023 09:12

What I would do is leave and not date again for a number of years, instead focus on raising those children and make them the centre of your world.

So would I.

This is not a relationship that is going to enhance your life of the lives of your children.

He's a horrible twat.

DO NOT GIVE THE BABY HIS NAME.
You will never ever be able to change it if you do but if you give the baby your name you can change it to his if you are together in two years or whatever you decide.

Pinkflipflop85 · 01/01/2023 09:26

Your poor 2 year old. What a horrible situation you've put him in.

ShutTheFrontDory · 01/01/2023 09:26

musingsinmidlife · 01/01/2023 09:07

Is he the father of your 2 year old?

Clearly not. Another case of a blended family that doesn't work where the step-parent wants nothing to do with the poor child that isn't biologically theirs. And this idiot is now also gaslighting and shaming the mother for loving one child over another. Get rid OP!!!

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/01/2023 09:28

How on earth are you going to have this man living with you and your older child when he's such an arsehole? I assume (hope!) the new baby was unplanned because this is a dire situation to put your 2 year old into. I can only suggest you raise the baby together without living together and minimise your older child's exposure to him.

MintJulia · 01/01/2023 09:32

minmooch · 01/01/2023 09:11

Do not stay with this man.

You favour your son over an unborn child? How is that even possible.

This man will make your son's life a misery. And yours in turn.

Please put your child first and leave this man.

Please please please do not subject your son to a life with this man.

This.

Get rid of this man now, before he makes your poor son's life a living misery. Imagine growing up in a house where you are excluded by one of the adults as 'not his problem'. Your first responsibility is to your existing child.

You would be failing your child far more to let this go on. Far better both children grow up in a household with one loving mum, than an unhappy household with two adults at odds with each other.

LittleBrenda · 01/01/2023 09:32

I can only suggest you raise the baby together without living together and minimise your older child's exposure to him.
Yes, if you aren't going to end the relationship, he needs to move out of your house as soon as possible. Like immediately.