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Original poster

AIBU - My partner should take responsibility for my son?

83 replies

MumOfTwoBeans · 01/01/2023 09:06

I have a 2 year old son and I have a baby on the way with my partner.

I live with this man but he doesn’t like doing things for my son. He says my son is not his responsibility and that he shouldn’t have to do things for him but he does anyway, usually after he’s expressed he doesn’t want to or mumbling/moaning under his breath.

He says I favour my son over our unborn child and that I spoil my son.

I feel like I’ve failed as a mum because my son has got a dad who doesn’t bother and another dad who doesn’t want to deal with him.

Are my expectations too high? What would you do? I don’t want to stay with someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for my child as his own, especially at his young age, it’s not fair on him and I don’t want it to affect his development

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 01/01/2023 10:35

He’s an arse, my dp does what’s needed for the family regardless of whether it’s for the children that are just mine or not. He’s really stepped up since I got pregnant with his baby because he recognises there’s things I need more help with than usual. Ultimate responsibility for the dc which are just mine yes is on me, but day to day things he doesn’t shy away from because we are a team.
I can’t imagine a relationship being another way or treating a toddler the way your “dp” is.

notapizzaeater · 01/01/2023 10:39

Your son is 2 ! He needs you not this man child

LaLuz7 · 01/01/2023 10:39

BastardtheCat · 01/01/2023 09:43

You're unpleasant.

Show quote history

No. They're staying an objective truth.

Women need to take accountability for their reproductive choices and for who they pick as father to their innocent kids.

OP has made very risky choices abd is suffering the consequences.

This man is not presumably just a boyfriend. Not a husband, not a fiance. He's been with her less than 2 years. Of course it's unreasonable to expect him to instantly commit to playing daddy to her 2 year old. And had OP waited a little longer to get pregnant she just might have realised he wasn't a good prospect for a step dad.

I despair. Women need to grow up and take baby making as the very serious life commitment that it is, nut just pop one out with every dude that enters their life.

Tigger7654 · 01/01/2023 10:40

BadShepherd · 01/01/2023 09:21

You leave because he will treat your first son like the dirt on his shoe and it will NOT improve with the appearance of his biological son.

You don’t choose dick over children.

THIS

WillTryNotToBeGrumpy · 01/01/2023 10:41

Your expectations are not too high, they're too low.

This is not the kind of person you want to bring your kids up with. He's a selfish, immature prick.

VahineNuiWentHome · 01/01/2023 10:43

Well your current partner is not your ds father. That is the truth and many times in MN, step parents are told they are not responsible fir their step child. (Not that I agree btw)

For me the issues are

  • the way he is dealing with the situation means resentment will mount very quickly.
  • he is unable to hold to his boundaries (saying it’s nit his responsibility and then mumbling but doing it anyway)
  • he is already telling you it’s all your fault and finding rubbish reasons for it (how can you favour your ds in favour of an unborn child???)
  • you clearly have very different expectations of what your respective roles are in the relationship/parenting. They are not small differences either but major ones.
Tempyname · 01/01/2023 10:44

I agree with the posts that say you’re a family so should all take responsibility - but it drives me mad that when this is reversed and a mum is saying DH wants her to take responsibility for his kids, than all hell breaks loose and she absolutely shouldn’t deal with them as they are his responsibility.

Penguinsaregreat · 01/01/2023 10:45

You need to start putting your existing child first. Stop getting pregnant to men you barely know. Stop putting your vulnerable child into dangerous situations. Your boyfriend is not his father. He has told you how he feels. Wake up and listen. Now it’s up to you whether you will accept your child being treated as second best.

Lolacat1234 · 01/01/2023 10:46

I take it he's not the father of the 2 year old. This isn't going to get better, you are going to find yourself constantly defending and fighting your older sons corner as he gets older and your partners relationship with him declines further. Either he's all in and treats them both the same or you need to leave him for the sake of both your children.

Bananarama21 · 01/01/2023 10:46

You must have gotten pregnant quickly if you have a 2 year old from a previous relationship. He sounds bloody awful. Put your ds first and leave him. I got with dh when ds was 2, we were together 3 years before having dd and he was good with ds I could not have continued the relationship otherwise.

PinkButtercups · 01/01/2023 10:47

Well he doesn't have to take responsibility for your son but he's entered your family and also expanded it and I personally think he should be taking responsibility as you're now a unit. His comments and the lack of interest shows he's an immature twat.

Honestly, I'd leave if I were you. Bring your kids up on your own and put all your energy and focus on your babies.

By the sounds of it he doesn't actually like your son and I wouldn't put up with it.

caringcarer · 01/01/2023 10:48

Your expectations are spot on. You just want your son and new baby once born to be treated equally. This man is never going to do this. You can see it now before baby is born. He will be worse once his own child is here. My dh has always acted as a proper stepdad to my son's. If he did not I would not have married him. I made it very clear early in relationship we come as a package and if he wants me he fully accepts and is kind to my 2 sons too. He has been brilliant bringing up youngest from 7 years. He got up at 5am every weekday to take older child to work when he left school at 16. He has driven them around and watched them play sport. Played with them, amused them whilst I worked and been their friend. My son's are young adults now and have wonderful relationship with my dh. He often goes to cinema with one or other of them. He has given them both large deposits towards their first home and they will be beneficiaries in his will. DH and I lost our baby to miscarriage but he has always treated my children as his own children. If your partner won't do this and give your son a happy life bin him off he is not worthy. Put your son first. If you don't he will have years of misery and resentment ahead of him and ultimately if you don't choose him he will grow to not trust you. You could lose him as an adult. Can't believe you did not make clear up to partner your 2 years old comes first, before him.

VahineNuiWentHome · 01/01/2023 10:49

could you expand on ‘not wanting to do things for your ds’ too?

My issue with him not doing anything for your ds is that IF (and that’s a huge IF) he bothers with the baby, it will show up hugely on how he treats the two children. I don’t think that’s ok. As you said, it would be very detrimental to your ds.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 01/01/2023 10:49

BastardtheCat · 01/01/2023 09:43

You're unpleasant.

Show quote history

Not unpleasant, realistic. I wouldn't have even moved a man in with my child after 2 years, nevermind gotten myself pregnant again!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 01/01/2023 10:49

This is awful. What kind of person does not want to help a child - whoever that child belongs to? Why would you want to be linked to a person like this?

MoreSleepPleasee · 01/01/2023 10:49

Wow that poor 2 year old. Leave him. That child's going to grow up knowing his step dad doesn't like him. So sad.

RosaBaby2 · 01/01/2023 10:49

Leave leave leave. This will only get worse, your poor 2 year old 😢

gamerchick · 01/01/2023 10:50

This will get worse when the baby comes OP. You need to have a conversation that if he can't be kind to your eldest then he'll have to leave.

musingsinmidlife · 01/01/2023 10:52

He is your boyfriend, not your son's father, nor step father.

Read the step parenting board. You will see what the expectation is for step parents - let alone parents' girlfriends/boyfriends. Zero, other than tolerating the child's presence in their home - that is it. He should not be expected to financially contribute in any way, feed him, provide child care, parent him, drive him places, do anything for him. He isn't expected to love him or see him at all like his bio child and it is perfectly fine to do things for his bio child that he doesn't do for the step child - including special outings, vacations, treats, etc.
Read the step parenting board - that is where you will get views from people who are step parents or involved in step families and you will see that generally there is zero duty of care and any expectation of a step parent towards step children is considered disrespectful and that you have a spouse problem as to why they aren't 100% parenting their own child. Read the board - it will be eye opening for you.

IET · 01/01/2023 11:05

While what you say is true re that board @musingsinmidlife, it is rarely the case that the "not my problem" brigade move in with the father of an 18mo child when he has full custody and no help from the mum and says "yeah, fuck that, we'll have another baby and the older one won't be my problem". To do that takes a special level of cruelty

aSofaNearYou · 01/01/2023 11:05

It is not unreasonable of him not to want to take on your son as his own or be seen as "dad". If this was your expectation and a dealbreaker for you you needed to make that clear and leave if he wasn't up for it, because it should never be an assumption and it is reasonable of him to just be willing to be a step dad, rather than replacement dad.

You shouldn't have just gone along with it and expected him to change and want a more hands on role, it is his choice and what he's chosen is reasonable. It's up to you if that's (understandably, don't get me wrong) not enough.

serenghetti2011 · 01/01/2023 11:08

I think this is so so sad! How can you be with a man who resents your 2 year old little baby, a child who is completely dependent on the adults around for care, love and everything they need in life and this man moans and grumbles about it. I couldn’t look in to the eyes of my baby and know someone I brought into their lives would not want to care for them and nurture them.

No he’s not the man’s child but why would he get with a woman with a child if he wasn’t prepared to at least live with the child. I don’t get the mentality behind that. sorry op but I would be running from this man, alarm bells ring from what you’ve said and I would not leave your child alone with this man. Either of them.

CovertImage · 01/01/2023 11:18

Tempyname · 01/01/2023 10:44

I agree with the posts that say you’re a family so should all take responsibility - but it drives me mad that when this is reversed and a mum is saying DH wants her to take responsibility for his kids, than all hell breaks loose and she absolutely shouldn’t deal with them as they are his responsibility.

The situation isn't reversed here in any way.

In those cases invariably the stepkids have two parents and don't live with the OP. When they visit though, the DH disengages and expects the step mother to take on a large part of the parenting rather than him.

In this case everyolne's living together and the second birth parent doesn't want anything to do with the child

Zatroya · 01/01/2023 11:29

BadShepherd · 01/01/2023 09:21

You leave because he will treat your first son like the dirt on his shoe and it will NOT improve with the appearance of his biological son.

You don’t choose dick over children.

This is exactly right.

You don't choose dick over children, and if you stay that's exactly what you'll be doing.

He's shown you exactly who he is - if you stay you're responsible for your son's unhappiness.

Whatafielddayfortheheat · 01/01/2023 11:35

I'm a child that was rejected by a step parent. It's so incredibly damaging and I'm so angry with my parent for letting it happen. I'll never stop being angry and hurt and it's affected my life, happiness and success in very real and lasting ways. Please leave him and show your (older) son that he is your number 1.