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Original poster

AIBU - My partner should take responsibility for my son?

83 replies

MumOfTwoBeans · 01/01/2023 09:06

I have a 2 year old son and I have a baby on the way with my partner.

I live with this man but he doesn’t like doing things for my son. He says my son is not his responsibility and that he shouldn’t have to do things for him but he does anyway, usually after he’s expressed he doesn’t want to or mumbling/moaning under his breath.

He says I favour my son over our unborn child and that I spoil my son.

I feel like I’ve failed as a mum because my son has got a dad who doesn’t bother and another dad who doesn’t want to deal with him.

Are my expectations too high? What would you do? I don’t want to stay with someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for my child as his own, especially at his young age, it’s not fair on him and I don’t want it to affect his development

OP posts:
SlagathaChristie · 01/01/2023 09:33

ArcticSkewer · 01/01/2023 09:12

What I would do is leave and not date again for a number of years, instead focus on raising those children and make them the centre of your world.

Absolutely this. Your priority should have been your toddler son, not a new relationship with someone who does not want any parental type relationship with him. You should not have brought this man into your kid's life, let alone bring another child into it. Focus on your kids, not on yourself, not on any man.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but I just feel really sorry for your son. He didn't ask for any of this, and he will understand that he is unwanted in his home sooner or later.

Hillrunning · 01/01/2023 09:33

What would I do? I'd be leaving him and, if not too late, be having an abortion. I would not make my child share a life with an adult that resented caring for him

Toomuch2019 · 01/01/2023 09:34

I don't tend to say this but please don't stay in the relationship, for the sake of your ds. Imagine how awful it is going to be for him treated on a different level to his sibling

Ivyonafence · 01/01/2023 09:34

Do not give the new baby this man's name.

If he surprises us and turns out to be an amazing father to both children you can change your mind on the name.

He sounds fucking ridiculous saying you're favouring your 2 year old over the pregnancy. How childish and pathetic of him. Of course a 2 year old with his own identity and personality will be more engaging and need more love and attention to a baby that is yet to be born!

BastardtheCat · 01/01/2023 09:41

Dear God, your child is soon going to be sensing that he's not loved by this man.

He either loves your son and wants to be a part of his life, or he doesn't. He can't pick and choose who he provides for and loves and cares for.

Part of my job is safeguarding, OP. My motto in safeguarding risk assessments are this: think of the worst case scenario, and put measures in place to mitigate risk and deal safely with the fall out.

The worst case scenario in your relationship is that you die. Your son could end up in the sole care of this man.....who doesn't seem to like him.

Fucking run.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 01/01/2023 09:42

This reply has been deleted

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BastardtheCat · 01/01/2023 09:43

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You're unpleasant.

Seasider2017 · 01/01/2023 09:44

Never put a man before your child/children

olympicsrock · 01/01/2023 09:45

LTB

IET · 01/01/2023 09:45

He sounds like an evil shithead tbh. Who does that to a 2 year old child? Fuck him.

And if you don't leave him, you are indeed failing your son imo. Sorry if that sounds harsh

Stomacharmeleon · 01/01/2023 09:47

@EmilyGilmoresSass what a nasty thing to say. The op is asking for advice. Not a character assassination.

PearlclutchersInc · 01/01/2023 09:47

Your man sounds like a bit of a sh1t really. Your poor son deserves better than someone who's completed disinterested in him.

It's your responsibility to do better for your son and by default the child you're yet to have.

WandaWonder · 01/01/2023 09:54

Why on earth did you stay with him when he started acting like that let alone have a child with him, put your son first

You would think he would to help but he doesn't and you can't force him too, so you are solely responsible for your sons needs

You must realise this?

Or you can do is seperate and learn from this so you don't go on to have a 3rd

seven201 · 01/01/2023 09:58

I don't feel a step dad has to act as a biological father if they don't want to, but it sounds like he resents your son for existing. That is horrible. It's not as if he's a teenager who will be resistant to a father figure, he should be trying to find a bond and grow to love the little boy. He sounds like a horrible man. Your boy will grow up feeing the resentment every day. I have no idea what it's like in your home, but it doesn't sound like a nice place for your son to grow up. I think you need to consider ending the relationship, but obviously we don't know the whole picture. Good luck.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/01/2023 10:04

BastardtheCat · 01/01/2023 09:43

You're unpleasant.

Show quote history

It's very bad decision making. It's ok to say that.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/01/2023 10:06

seven201 · 01/01/2023 09:58

I don't feel a step dad has to act as a biological father if they don't want to, but it sounds like he resents your son for existing. That is horrible. It's not as if he's a teenager who will be resistant to a father figure, he should be trying to find a bond and grow to love the little boy. He sounds like a horrible man. Your boy will grow up feeing the resentment every day. I have no idea what it's like in your home, but it doesn't sound like a nice place for your son to grow up. I think you need to consider ending the relationship, but obviously we don't know the whole picture. Good luck.

Absolutely. I have 3 step kids and when they are here their care needs are their dad's responsibility. When they ask me for things (default to mum!!) I refer them back to their dad for permission or for him to do it. BUT I love those children and love spending time with them and having fun, they love me and we have a lovely relationship. I just don't parent.

purpledalmation · 01/01/2023 10:12

You must have been aware of his feeling for your son before you decided on the pregnancy? Any second partner entering a relationship with a man/woman with children, must take them on as a package, not segregate the parent from the child, and declare the child is not their responsibility. Sorry but you've made a disaster out decision regarding your son.

If this doesn't change, this man would be gone

custardbear · 01/01/2023 10:22

You're making bad decisions, time to make a good one and get out for the sake of your child/ren
Can he leave so you have your home? Or do you have money to get your own place?

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/01/2023 10:24

This isn't going to get better. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I couldn't be with a man who treats my 2 year old like that. Awful. He will cause untold damage.

strawberry2017 · 01/01/2023 10:28

He knew you were a package deal when you got together and at the young age your son is then he really is going to need to take responsibility for him as well as your unborn child.
He sounds vile. He sounds like he is going to cause serious mental damage to your son and I think you seriously need to consider whether you stay with this man or not.
If it was me I wouldn't be there anymore.

FairyBatman · 01/01/2023 10:30

This is the same thread that you posted in August, he isn’t going to change, he clearly doesn’t treat your son as his own, and it’s only going to get worse once the baby is here, and worse again as your child get old enough to notice

The only question is how long are you going to subject your child to living with a man who doesn’t want him?

ReadtheReviews · 01/01/2023 10:30

Your 'partner' is a lost cause. Forget relationships for a while but when you do meet someone kind and mature, take a long time before introducing him to your children, then take an even longer time warching how they are with your children before you think of moving them in. You need to create a safe, happy home for your children first and foremost and a man isnt the answer to that.

Ivyonafence · 01/01/2023 10:32

Your poor little son.

This is the kind of dynamic that really messes children up mentally. Please get this man out of your home.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2023 10:35

He’s not your son’s dad, he doesn’t want to act like your son’s dad. I can’t imagine this is a new revelation to you.

Completely confused by the concept of choosing an unborn baby over a 2 year old, what does he mean?

But the main issue is you’re not happy, your son probably isn’t happy, you’re going to end up dumping him when he either doesn’t step up with the shared baby or rejects your son in favour of the baby, then you’ll be a single mum to 2. Just get it over and live apart of chuck him.

Did you get pregnant because you thought it would make him more committed to you and DS?

IPreferTheStrawberryOne · 01/01/2023 10:35

musingsinmidlife · 01/01/2023 09:12

Read the step parent board. The posts there are that the step parent has zero responsibilities for step children and that 100% of the care and parenting of that child remains with the child’s two actual parents.

That's an exaggeration. But if the sentiment is expressed at all, it's always when the other parent is fully in the picture, but not pulling their weight and leaving it all to the step parent. Which is not the case here with OP's eldest - who never sees his father.

OP this might sound harsh but you may want to have a think about why you keep picking men who are disinterested in your children.