AIBU? Farmer OH who is never here! 12 wks pg and worried.

[TheBabbaCrunch]

I was hoping for other people's experiences of how much their OH is around and whether I'm just being soft.

My OH is a farmer. We don't live on a farm, he has blocks of land scattered around where we live (some quite far away). He also has another agricultural job on top of the business. Income wise he earns a good amount but when you look at the hours he puts in, it's less than minimum wage. I have my own business too in an unrelated industry and work 40 hour weeks mainly from home - which perhaps adds to the loneliness. We have one dd already although she is from my previous relationship so not biologically his. I am pregnant again with second. From the beginning of our relationship I made it clear I couldn't be the typical farmer's wife (I'm a staunch veggie for a start). We decided to get together and see what happened as we connected in every other way - this was 4 years ago. I used to help out here and there but found we didn't work well together as he can be quite harsh and angry in his work and I was obviously inexperienced which irritated him. We have therefore kept our work pretty separate. I work a lot too and have my 4yo dd when I am not working. I am quite needy and have always found his long, anti-social hours difficult. It ebbs and flows throughout the year but lambing time is hard and I literally will not see him for around 4 weeks straight (new baby is due just as lambing ends nx year which I'm so worried about as he spends another month after lambing sorting them all, clipping ewes etc and is out all day inc weekends until late evening). I'd say there are 10 weeks of the year where I rarely see him at all and then many other weeks (maybe another 25 weeks?) he is out the house pretty much every day - inc weekends - from 7-8am until 9-10pm. The rest of the time it is quieter but still him working full time hrs. Holidays are limited - he takes about 2 weeks off a year split up (we do have hols but something always dies or goes wrong and I feel horribly guilty and he makes a point about it).

I feel very, very alone. Especially as my dd's dad was very involved and was at home a lot. OH told me that when the new baby is here, he will have to be out for 'at least two hours a day' even from the day it is born to water and feed things. He said I can have a week where he will try be home most of the time bar the 2 hrs. I've asked if he can employ someone while we parent together for a couple of weeks but he isn't keen. I am also worried he won't get back in time for the birth as my first was a very quick labour and some of his land is over 35 min away and he can be hard to contact when he is out and often cannot leave a job in the middle of it.

He is very loving and tries his best to help around the house. 'Tries' is probably the operative word though as I still do the majority of domestic tasks because he just isn't here enough to do it. He is totally loyal and I know he adores me. I cannot fault his effort. However, it can be a very lonely existence going weeks and weeks and weeks without a single day off together for family time. He really wanted a child and so I agreed as I was happy either way. I did make my expectations clear about him needing to be around more before ttc, but unfortunately that hasn't happened. I am now in a huge state of panic that I can't do this alone, and alone is what it feels like a lot of the time.

I also feel like our lives are geared around farming and everything has to be centred around that (his dreams) rather than compromising with my dreams and needs. My job allows for a huge flexibility which I sometimes feel he abuses.

AIBU? Any thoughts welcome. Not sure if this is pg hormones controlling the situation.

I don't think farmers are very good at compromising. They're an odd breed.

I see. A lot of that didn’t come across in your original post. You’re lucky to be finding that prices for the animals have gone up — it’s not something my family, who are beef farmers, are experiencing at all, unfortunately. Instead it’s just been more money for oil, more money to get the hay made, more expense lighting the barns…and very little back at the end of the process. Very difficult, though reading your post I wonder how much of it’s regional. Anyway, I digress. Your situation sounds much more complex than I first thought — the way you huffed that ‘something always dies’ when you’re on holiday made you sound very remote from and uninterested in the livestock, but perhaps that was a phrase born of understandable frustration rather than your general attitude. You’re right that you deserve to have him around when you have your baby, and if you have the means to buy a farm you can live on but he’s not seriously looking I think you have a right to feel frustrated. I don’t know what the answer is. I’d suggest sitting down with him and asking for a plan, whilst being prepared for some compromise of your own (maybe he agrees to get some help in when baby is due, and to start looking for a better land arrangement, but you accept that holidays aren’t going to be a thing in the near future). But I know from experience that some men (and likely women) just don’t want to have those conversations. On that basis I really feel for you. It can be very lonely not only to have to do so much on your own, but also to get shut down when you try to look for ways forward as a couple. It’s the feeling that you’re not a proper team, isn’t it? I guess all you can do is try. Offer to help him source a shepherd if you think the admin is part of the issue. Try to get him to explain his reservations a bit. Ask him to take paternity leave at least from the teaching job. Good luck. I hope it works out.

Thank you for advice! Yes, it's complex. And hard to convey the whole issue over MN as obviously you can't write your whole life-story lol...but felt it was the only option to get some perspective!
I think us not having a farm in some ways has shielded us from extra costs as we don't have sheds to bed out and therefore no straw to buy, no extra lighting etc etc. Everything is outside and wintered outside and is fed only grass and silage/hay made the year before if needed, although last year he managed a lot of winter not feeding anything extra. As I say, his flock and herd numbers are significant so I guess profits are higher when inputs are lower and inputs are very low other than huge fuel bills which tbf have got worse.
I think the attitude 'this is the way I've always done it' prevails with farmers at times and this could be the issue too.

I know this was well meant but the mechanics of birth and looking after newborns farmers are generally pretty good at.
My dp was awesome in when I was in labour because he’d seen so many births.

You’ve missed my point. The purpose of booking NCT is to force him to make space in his schedule for OP and for the unborn baby because he’s currently failing to do that, and to build up a support network for OP.

@TheBabbaCrunch why has he taken another job if farming is doing well?

Yes having land scattered and nit being close to it will make things much harder, no doubt about it.
But if he has a big flock, reduced outgoing and STILL feels he needs the safety if another job….
then I will assume either

• the farming business is struggling more than you think (hence the nit wanting to employ someone etc…)
• he is worried that with a new baby, you onML, his current income won’t be enough and he wants to make sure you’ll all be ok.

And yes farmers are a special breed. And they are not flexible and usually are NEVER happy with the way other people do the work (or at least not in DH family lol). But farming can also be hard financially. And require a hell of a lot if input. Tbh 2 hours a day to look after the animals is quite good going tbh…