AIBU? Farmer OH who is never here! 12 wks pg and worried.

[TheBabbaCrunch]

I was hoping for other people's experiences of how much their OH is around and whether I'm just being soft.

My OH is a farmer. We don't live on a farm, he has blocks of land scattered around where we live (some quite far away). He also has another agricultural job on top of the business. Income wise he earns a good amount but when you look at the hours he puts in, it's less than minimum wage. I have my own business too in an unrelated industry and work 40 hour weeks mainly from home - which perhaps adds to the loneliness. We have one dd already although she is from my previous relationship so not biologically his. I am pregnant again with second. From the beginning of our relationship I made it clear I couldn't be the typical farmer's wife (I'm a staunch veggie for a start). We decided to get together and see what happened as we connected in every other way - this was 4 years ago. I used to help out here and there but found we didn't work well together as he can be quite harsh and angry in his work and I was obviously inexperienced which irritated him. We have therefore kept our work pretty separate. I work a lot too and have my 4yo dd when I am not working. I am quite needy and have always found his long, anti-social hours difficult. It ebbs and flows throughout the year but lambing time is hard and I literally will not see him for around 4 weeks straight (new baby is due just as lambing ends nx year which I'm so worried about as he spends another month after lambing sorting them all, clipping ewes etc and is out all day inc weekends until late evening). I'd say there are 10 weeks of the year where I rarely see him at all and then many other weeks (maybe another 25 weeks?) he is out the house pretty much every day - inc weekends - from 7-8am until 9-10pm. The rest of the time it is quieter but still him working full time hrs. Holidays are limited - he takes about 2 weeks off a year split up (we do have hols but something always dies or goes wrong and I feel horribly guilty and he makes a point about it).

I feel very, very alone. Especially as my dd's dad was very involved and was at home a lot. OH told me that when the new baby is here, he will have to be out for 'at least two hours a day' even from the day it is born to water and feed things. He said I can have a week where he will try be home most of the time bar the 2 hrs. I've asked if he can employ someone while we parent together for a couple of weeks but he isn't keen. I am also worried he won't get back in time for the birth as my first was a very quick labour and some of his land is over 35 min away and he can be hard to contact when he is out and often cannot leave a job in the middle of it.

He is very loving and tries his best to help around the house. 'Tries' is probably the operative word though as I still do the majority of domestic tasks because he just isn't here enough to do it. He is totally loyal and I know he adores me. I cannot fault his effort. However, it can be a very lonely existence going weeks and weeks and weeks without a single day off together for family time. He really wanted a child and so I agreed as I was happy either way. I did make my expectations clear about him needing to be around more before ttc, but unfortunately that hasn't happened. I am now in a huge state of panic that I can't do this alone, and alone is what it feels like a lot of the time.

I also feel like our lives are geared around farming and everything has to be centred around that (his dreams) rather than compromising with my dreams and needs. My job allows for a huge flexibility which I sometimes feel he abuses.

AIBU? Any thoughts welcome. Not sure if this is pg hormones controlling the situation.

Of course he can make those assurances. A quarter of the time he is away is hourly paid work he CHOOSES to take on for a college....... I am no fool, I accept the animals' needs cannot be compromised on... but there are at least 16 hours work a week that he does that is not necessary. And we don't need the income, so he can't use that excuse.

You can get relief help though.

About 10 years ago, FIL was a relief milker. (I'm not sure that's the correct name) but would take contracts for a couple of weeks, travel somewhere and milk the cows for a set amount of time; to cover holidays, illness etc. He was pretty busy.

It's not unreasonable to ask him to get a back up plan in place for when baby comes. My baby was very early and we had to drop everything because I and baby were so unwell. What would he do then? He would need to have a backup plan in place.

So what does he say then?
You think he can compromise. You say he agreed. He seems not to want to.

What next?
Are you prepared to give up summer holidays, weekend breaks and equal parenting for the rest of your life?

I am from a farming family and I still find the pretension around it bizarre. If someone came on here whose husband was a lawyer and said he was working those hours, people wouldn’t excuse it, but farming is somehow different? This attitude persists because it has retained it’s deeply patriarchal and misogynistic structures and attitudes probably rooted in traditional male land ownership. They can never afford help but lo & behold are suddenly driving a huge ranga when the next lot of subsidies drops. OP can he increase the teaching and let some of the land/ stock go? I don’t understand why these men value it above their own families.

I think his issue is he's a people pleaser. He's very quiet, likes to just get on with things and not disappoint. He's very, very good at what he does - the college farm love him and his experience. Want him there all the time, he agrees to more hours than he should as he enjoys the work and why not? (In his eyes). I'm just saying I think I need to stamp my feet more for him to realise that I'm worried here and feeling a bit 'second fiddle' when it's also his other job which is eating into our life. But I wanted other people's opinions on how much their OH was about or whether I was being selfish wanting him to stop doing something he enjoys to be at home more.

but farming is so unpredictable. And badly paid as you acknowledged earlier (based on hours worked). On a bad year, if he loses a lot of lambs or something else goes wrong, could those 16 hours a week be the only thing that actually provide an income for him (and his contribution to your family?). I know a lot of farmers who haven’t made a profit after a year of working, because something goes wrong or margins were tight. I’d be reluctant to give up a steady income too if I were him.

Unfortunately, farming is almost like a calling or it’s in a person’s bones. It has never seemed the most rational of lives to me, but I do understand the pull (but never for me).

But he is not a people pleaser, if he was he would be pleasing you. Im not sure stamping your feet gets you anywhere?

Genuinely, thank you SO MUCH for commenting as I completely agree with the idea of it being patriarchal and the whole wealth thing. In one breath my OH pleads poverty of farmers and says they've got nothing and are completely impoverished and he can't afford anything. Then, in the next breath, when I tell him to quit and use his AMAZING brain for something else (ie retrain as a vet) he tells me that 'he'll never find another job that pays and has the assets that this does'. Like what a joke! They are very touchy about this subject though I find haha.

What is it you think he can cut down on? Give the animals less care? Sell them? Farm less land? You agree that the teaching job is a good thing so presumably you want that to continue.

The farm lay out sounds like a nightmare. But can that be changed? What is it you think can change. You are being very woolly about this.

I know a lot of farmers and I don’t know a single one who would quit, even if they make loss after loss. They are like religious zealots and farming isn’t a job to them, it is who they are. They delude themselves thinking about revenue, while ignoring the profit issue (or buying stuff like a new tractor/4x4 which can be a farm expense and reduce their tax bill)

He has his farming business which I accept cannot change but could be ran better (ie consolidating land even if he has to pay higher rents or buy closer etc).
I want to buy a house closer to the land but he is holding out to buy more land or a farm. He also has a contract with the college but he also takes on extra hours on top of that - those are the hours I want him to stop doing but he seems reluctant to stop. Yes I think the teaching is good but not at the expense of our family - we can survive without the income as my income is very good and his business income isn't bad. I think he could support me more by employing an apprentice (which tbf he has discussed) to do some of the jobs etc.

I have mentioned this in other posts - not being woolly. The situation is a lot more challenging than it needs to be.

Thank you so much for all of your comments and stories about your own experiences. It has definitely given me some perspective. OH has actually returned home early this evening (8pm is super early based on the past few weeks) and is in a good mood as all the cows are pregnant........... so I should probably stop moaning on here and spend some time with him. A huge thank you to all of you - it was my first time posting. I think I've taken the general consensus to be 'we understand your feelings but it is what it is' which I guess I will have to accept. Will be discussing with OH about some concrete compromise that some have suggested as there are very clear ways to make this easier, even if it means sourcing outside help for both his farming and the new baby. Again, thanks all xx

“Why is it always the women that have to shut up and put up?”

Why does a woman get together with a man who absolutely demonstrates over time who they are and how they live and what they will and won’t give to a relationship but still go and get pregnant despite knowing exactly what their partner is like and then are surprised when they don’t change??! Ffs he’s told and shown you his life & priorities. If you didn’t like it, why on earth stay let alone get pregnant!!

Have I understood correctly that you made it clear from the beginning that he'd need to compromise, but he hasn't actually done so in the 4 years you've been together? If that's the case I'm really surprised you took him at his word before TTC. I'd have enforced the compromise before agreeing to TTC.

In terms of what changes could be made now, could he work full time at the college instead of actually farming? You've said they want him there all the time so it sounds like a viable option. I hope your chat with him goes well.

@LlareggubTripAdviser he pinned her down with his lies. If he'd been honest said he wasn't going to change and all the compromise was going to be from her, she'd have walked away.

OP don't marry him or buy a house with him. Did he live alone in a flat/house before he met you? Because if he couldn't fund his own place to live then his life isn't financially viable at all. You want to believe he's different, wouldn't lie because he loves you. I understand. Everyone thinks the same though, it's a story as old as time (regardless of what it is they've lied about to get/keep you). When you get fed up one day it'll be easier to separate if you're not financially tied together. So many men act like they're single without DC when deciding how to spend their time. I don't mean they're cheating just they're shit partners and dads, leaving their partner to carry all the load at home. He loves you, but not enough to respect you by not lying to you and giving equal importance to your hopes and dreams. "Let's get together and see how it goes" = "I want to be with you so let's see how long you'll put up with it all, hopefully forever".

Can you try and alter your thinking on this? What a wonderful upbringing it will be for your children - all of the space to run around and getting involved with farming life. I think you need to find your husband’s passion for farming. There are upsides, it’s not all doom and gloom.

I'm just horrified he is "harsh and angry in his work" this sounds completely unacceptable around livestock.

Him not being around as working is what it is for many Dads.

The problem is that getting some land isn’t easy at all. That’s why he has bits and pieces in different places. Yes ‘consolidating’ makes sense but it doesn’t mean it’s possible. It will depend a lot if where you are, land available etc….
eg where my PIL are, any land coming for sale is quickly bought by the local estate who wants to consolidate their own assets. They have enough buying power to stop anyone else from buying (unless the vendor refuses to sell to them).

And yes living on the farm attached to one if those plots would make it easier (or at least closer to it) but is there some houses to sell around there that you could buy? And that you would be willing to move into.
i mean, my PIL farm is lovely but it also has no central heating for example….

Now from my experience with PIL, I’m wondering if having a chat with someone external (accountant who is used to work with farmers) could be helpful in ‘streamlining’ the farming side. (But dint use that word. Talk about making it easier for him - and you)

I'm a a military wife. It's crap but that's the job. 17 years years later I still wonder why I've done it.

My DH is a vet. The hours aren’t that much better! He’s currently working a 1:2 oncall rota helping train up new vets. That means every other weekend he’s working from Friday morning through to Monday evening. And he works all week with 1 or 2 nights oncall as well.

You cant compromise when you have to feed animals or care for them. It is not a desk job where you can rearrange to suit yourself. YABVU. What compromises can he possibly make?

I was due to give birth 10 days before our lambing season started this year. Not the greatest timing I agree but at least I would be available to help (pregnant women can’t be near pregnant sheep as it can cause abortion).
The point is you had a conversation about what life with a baby would look like for you both (he would be around more) but the baby hasn’t arrived yet. He wasn't in any position to make promises as he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to keep them. Animals escape or get sick/die at the most inconvenient times so although he said he would be around more he cannot commit to this as farming is anything but predicable. DH could’ve done without the pig escaping on the morning of our wedding day and the sheep during the evening do but that’s how our life is.
I was a farmers daughter before becoming a farmer myself, a farmers wife and now mum. It can work but you have to accept your DP can’t make promises of being home at a certain time every day. On the straightforward days he should be home but these are surprises rather than promises. I’ve had dark lonely evenings looking after our baby when DH said he would be home but came back an hour later than planned. I’ve been desperate for support and crying along with the baby as we’re both tired but I can’t blame DH for not being there as I know if he could be home he would be. No one likes looking for an escaped cow in the dark with a torch in the rain.

My point stands though, if he isn't prepared to compromise then long term is this what you want? Does he love you as much as you say if he won't compromise?

You say in your OP that “I also feel like our lives are geared around farming and everything has to be centred around that (his dreams) rather than compromising with my dreams and needs.”
I'm sorry to say OP but farming has to be your dream too to make the relationship work. It’s a way of life not a job.

Oh OP I want to give you a big hug.

I know exactly where this is going as I have been there.

My ex was a farmer who also had little time. We never had DC and broke up for this exact reason.

Farming is non-negotiable to them. Like they literally are willing to lose their entire family, social circle, money etc for the farm.

It is almost a religion in its own right, their entire identity.

The only farmers I know who have managed successful long term relations are ones who marry women who also love the farm. Outdoorsy women who usually have an equally obsessive way of life that fits the farm e.g horse obsession.

I’ve never seen a relationship work between a farmer and non-farmer who doesn’t also submit to the farm way of life.

I honestly believe my ex loved me but giving me what I wanted (a normal relationship in terms of time) was like asking him to chop off his legs without pain relief.

He didn’t know life without the farm. It was who he is.
Unless he manages to find a farm adaptable woman he will probably die alone. He’d never had a long term relationship before me due to the farm and he was in his early thirties.

You will not be able to compromise with him as farm life isn’t compromising. So basically he’d have to leave it all. You might be lucky and get him to compromise for a few weeks if you’re extremely lucky but he’ll revert back. He has too unless he leaves.

Basically this will not change. This is it and anything he promises you won’t materialise.

Take care of yourself and your baby xxx