AIBU? Farmer OH who is never here! 12 wks pg and worried.

[TheBabbaCrunch]

I was hoping for other people's experiences of how much their OH is around and whether I'm just being soft.

My OH is a farmer. We don't live on a farm, he has blocks of land scattered around where we live (some quite far away). He also has another agricultural job on top of the business. Income wise he earns a good amount but when you look at the hours he puts in, it's less than minimum wage. I have my own business too in an unrelated industry and work 40 hour weeks mainly from home - which perhaps adds to the loneliness. We have one dd already although she is from my previous relationship so not biologically his. I am pregnant again with second. From the beginning of our relationship I made it clear I couldn't be the typical farmer's wife (I'm a staunch veggie for a start). We decided to get together and see what happened as we connected in every other way - this was 4 years ago. I used to help out here and there but found we didn't work well together as he can be quite harsh and angry in his work and I was obviously inexperienced which irritated him. We have therefore kept our work pretty separate. I work a lot too and have my 4yo dd when I am not working. I am quite needy and have always found his long, anti-social hours difficult. It ebbs and flows throughout the year but lambing time is hard and I literally will not see him for around 4 weeks straight (new baby is due just as lambing ends nx year which I'm so worried about as he spends another month after lambing sorting them all, clipping ewes etc and is out all day inc weekends until late evening). I'd say there are 10 weeks of the year where I rarely see him at all and then many other weeks (maybe another 25 weeks?) he is out the house pretty much every day - inc weekends - from 7-8am until 9-10pm. The rest of the time it is quieter but still him working full time hrs. Holidays are limited - he takes about 2 weeks off a year split up (we do have hols but something always dies or goes wrong and I feel horribly guilty and he makes a point about it).

I feel very, very alone. Especially as my dd's dad was very involved and was at home a lot. OH told me that when the new baby is here, he will have to be out for 'at least two hours a day' even from the day it is born to water and feed things. He said I can have a week where he will try be home most of the time bar the 2 hrs. I've asked if he can employ someone while we parent together for a couple of weeks but he isn't keen. I am also worried he won't get back in time for the birth as my first was a very quick labour and some of his land is over 35 min away and he can be hard to contact when he is out and often cannot leave a job in the middle of it.

He is very loving and tries his best to help around the house. 'Tries' is probably the operative word though as I still do the majority of domestic tasks because he just isn't here enough to do it. He is totally loyal and I know he adores me. I cannot fault his effort. However, it can be a very lonely existence going weeks and weeks and weeks without a single day off together for family time. He really wanted a child and so I agreed as I was happy either way. I did make my expectations clear about him needing to be around more before ttc, but unfortunately that hasn't happened. I am now in a huge state of panic that I can't do this alone, and alone is what it feels like a lot of the time.

I also feel like our lives are geared around farming and everything has to be centred around that (his dreams) rather than compromising with my dreams and needs. My job allows for a huge flexibility which I sometimes feel he abuses.

AIBU? Any thoughts welcome. Not sure if this is pg hormones controlling the situation.

you know his farming habits now so at least you can prepare.
cousin owns a flock of sheep and lambing is hard she gets about 2 hours sleep a night but it’s essential she puts the hours in for the welfare of her animals.

tbh on our third kid and my dh mostly occupied with other two. Sometimes I have them all and my advice would be to baby wear. That is get a sling. Gives you hands free in the day to tidy and at bedtime for 4 year old.

I actually find it easier in a way dh isn’t involved more at the moment, because he’s not available I don’t get cross with him and just crack on and do things myself!

no point in stressing about it or birth but knowing his commitments what can you plan to help?

Despite several reservations from me (and me even attempting to end the relationship a year in due to this lifestyle clash), he also agreed to compromise with the 'townie life'. Why is it always the women that have to shut up and put up?

Because men are selfish and they lie to get what they want and then you get pregnant and it feels like it's too late. It isn't 💐

i’m a farmer’s daughter and said from a young age I’d never marry/have a family with a farmer. My dad was a very hands-on dad and we saw him a lot as we lived on the family farm. But the farm dictated our lives - on days out we always had to be back to look after animals, holidays could only be short, during calving he could be working 24 hours a day etc. farming is a way of live really, rather than a job. And I always think anyone who ends up with a farmer without proper knowledge of how intense am farming can be is in for a bad shock.

in your case, do you have family you can call on?

I think him being gone for two hours a day in the early days will be fine. It’s your second so likely won’t be as daunting as it was first-time around. Does your eldest go to nursery/school?

can you move closer to his main block of land?

Will you get maternity leave or will you have to continue with your own business?
Perhaps if you off and it spring/summer when baby born you could head off with him to land ?
Maybe then he could finish up with second job and help with childcare when you back working your full time.
See farmers around here who often seem to have children with them going doing farm jobs, picking up from school ECT.
Best of luck hope it works out ok.
Any opportunity for friends with babies to hang out with make things less lonely.

I have worked in agriculture but have left since having children because it isn’t child friendly. I’m married to a soldier and acutely aware that the army comes first, farming is the same. It’s unreasonable to expect anything different really.

This would have been a good conversation to have before planning another baby. As your pregnant you can't force him to change the way he runs his business. You can ask but ultimately I'd plan around what is not what you'd like it to be. Another baby is no skin off his nose. He's just going to carry on. I think you've got decide if you'd like to carry on your relationship as is or if you'd like to go it alone. Staying and resenting him for being and acting exactly as he told you he was/is will being nothing but misery. He also probably has no idea how much your DDs dad is involved and how much of a break that gives you. You've pregnant by a farmer who isn't a "kid person". I think you need to look at reality and go from there.

I agree.

It's not unreasonable of OP to expect him to be true to his word. He agreed to compromise. He isn't doing so. Her anger and resentment is justified.

Despite several reservations from me (and me even attempting to end the relationship a year in due to this lifestyle clash), he also agreed to compromise with the 'townie life'. Why is it always the women that have to shut up and put up?

He clearly hasn't done this so far. Why 2 or so-years after this conversation without him compromising do you think he will now? It's shit, he's lied but you knew that before you fell pregnant.

You have to decide whether this is the life you want or not. If not you need to leave and then maybe have some time being single before getting with anyone else.

But we did have that conversation as I stated earlier...... we agreed he needed to be around more. He hasn't been...

Can you buy in help? It’s either that or family help. He won’t be able to give you the help you need, this is the way it is I’m afraid

if he can afford to contract work out but won’t, spend it on a mother’s help

Really you needed to have firmed up compromises before getting pregnant being vaguely around more or helping more are useless - you need to know I will be back by 5 pm at least 4 days a week with one day off and I will always spend it with the baby - type thing.

but now it will be single parent life I’m afraid - so you need to agree and that means suggesting and forming a compromise which if he loves you and wants it to work he will

else you are on your own

I think you have to be realistic. It's not going to change substantially because that's the job.

All you can do is look at what you can do to mitigate it slightly. If he shows willing there then that's good.

If he takes on labour he makes less money and given how important lambing is I'm not surprised he isn't keen to hand that to someone else. There may be a compromise at quieter times of year though to enable quality time for family.

My advice would be to look for somewhere to live that is closer to where he needs to be and tell him he must take on help at less important times so you can have a break together.

But I would be bracing myself to do most of it alone and try to get support from family and friends. This is the reality of farm life I'm afraid.

If that's not for you then I guess you have to decide what you want.

“Why isn't he required to compromise for his decision?”

“and I ALWAYS made it clear to my OH that if he wanted to be with me, compromise would have to happen”.

“Why is it always the women that have to shut up and put up?”

“I don't see him compromising much is my issue....”

“we agreed he needed to be around more. He hasn't been...”

Sorry OP but this is bizarre, you are answering your own advice and need to be having this very important conversation with your partner not Mumsnet!

Your own posts above answer the question, he isn’t willing to change or compromise and that is going to be a massive problem for you. So if you feel that strongly about it, ask him to do something about it - give up the new job, get help on the farm, sell his land and get something closer to home, or ultimately ask him to choose between his career or you and the baby.

Sorry but having just done 8 months with a newborn and with THE MOST supportive and present husband, if you’re feeling this way now you are going to be feeling a million times worse when the baby is here.

If being a farmer’s wife doesn’t work for you, guess what - you don’t have to be one

Thank you for all the great advice everyone. He does show willing to an extent and, as I've said, is very loving. Our time together that we do get is great and I know he wants to be home with me etc. Thank you to whoever suggested baby wearing and going with him in summer over mat leave - that was an idea we'd already agreed on to help with the early few months. It will be nice to get to go about with him again as I rarely get to do it due to my own work and some bad experiences of him yelling at me when I allowed a tank of a sheep to plough through me in the race........! However, I think I'll just get to observe nicely with the baby next summer and still get to be together.

We have had the discussion. In fact we had a heated discussion about it this morning. Asking Mumsnet was simply to get some perspective. You didn't have to answer my question if you felt I shouldn't have asked it.

My dh is from a farming family. What you are describing is box standard farming life.
Lambing time us always horrendous and he will care a lot for the animals and their welfare. Which means that nit being there, checking on them, feeling bad if one dies etc…. will always be there.

As you said, it’s also a badly laud job. One reason why PIL pushed DH A LOT so he wouldn’t become a farmer (despite the fact t he would have loved it).
Because ut doesn’t pay a lot, paying someone else to do jobs such as looking after the lambs etc… will make farming financially unviable.

i not sure there is an answer. I get you want him there more. I dint think it will happen

I’m not usually a person to say there is nothing to be done - but I don’t think there’s anything much to be done, unless perhaps he can drop the teaching job.

I don’t come from a a farming family, but lots of friends do, and this is what it is like. As you say, in your case particularly as the land is scattered.

I think you were foolish to get pregnant without a clear plan for change, so I don’t think ‘the women always have to compromise’ idea, although often true, really applies here - it’s very hard to be flexible about farm work. I do get the feeling that you wanted another baby and jumped without thinking it through - I understand he did too, but you are the one unhappy with the situation.

Given you re in this position I think you can work on ways to mitigate it, but you need to be realistic - it isn’t going to change that much

• can he give up this teaching job if you kept up your business?
• Can you move somewhere that’s closer to where he needs to be?
• Can you afford some childcare so you can work in a small business centre or something and not be so isolated
• It’s reasonable to ask him to employ a contractor for a couple of weeks around the birth if possible
• can you afford a cleaner?

Yes of course.. the wicked man pinned down the poor little woman with no choice of agency, and impregnated her ! Get real.

The OP has a child already so the strain of babies and childcare is not hypothetical, she has done it before.

I presume the OP is an adult human female with a working brain and a mind of her own. She knows the woman bears the sole burden of childbirth. She also knows her partner is a farmer.... and yet CHOSE to have a child with him. Knowing exactly what a farmers life is like.

Now she is pregnant and due 'just after lambing' so April/May. ... and has decided at 3/4 months pregnant that this maybe not such a good idea.

Please please say you are married at least OP. Or that you have an independent income that will not diminish through childcare/mat leave ?

Thank you for the advice. All relevant points. In answer to your questions, yes to all of them potentially... just negotiating with him which I think he would be open to some of them.

Not a farmer myself or from a farming background but grew up in a rural part of the world. Surrounded by farmers and went to school with mainly farmers kids.

It’s a huge responsibility. It’s a mammoth career and yes you can get in contracted farmers for the busier periods but it’s not that easy. Any of the farmers I know who have hired assistants, the people they have hired they know very well and trust them implicitly. You need that hugely.

A lot of people my age that I grew up with have married farmers themselves and I see their wives out helping move cattle, helping sort the milking, helping out secure fences in fields. And this is all while they have their own jobs, kids, familial commitments.

It literally takes a village. And it isn’t an easy life. One mother of a kid I was in school with, went back to college at night time to study and has now been able to take a big step back from the farm and make a career for herself now that their eldest son has taken over and will eventually have the whole farm.

But she still gets involved when things are getting busy. Another neighbour has recently taken over the family farm and had a girlfriend who relocated from the city to live country life. She was also a vegetarian. She packed it in and moved back to the city. He could never give her what she needed in terms of time and she didn’t want to stay in a lonely environment. She just wasn’t able to adjust to what it was like.

OP I do think you are being unreasonable. It isn’t a career. Like PP said it is a lifestyle choice and if it’s in your blood and heart you can’t get rid of that feeling. In a sense you are from two different worlds. He can’t ever guarantee he will be home by 5. Things crop up with animals all the time and there never really is a down time for farmers.

Not married! But have an independent income and the house we live in is solely mine and paid off so fine financially. I love him very much - not doubting the pregnancy or being with him. Just ranting that I wish it was easier and he would uphold his end of the bargain of some compromise.

Hahaha. This reply really made me laugh and must be from someone with no idea of farming. A promise to be back by 5pm 4 days a week? Right, sure, just tell the cow that is calving that you need to go, because you had a sick animal on Monday so weren’t back at five and had cows calving on Tuesday and Wednesday so weren’t back at 5pm, and now your quota for late nights for the week is up. Farming is unpredictable. It is impossible to make promises like that. But there can be a lot of down time too - it’s just really unfortunate that they live so far away from the land.

But he could not have made those assurances, thats like asking a fireman to not go to fires after 5pm. Fires happen all the time.
I think you are on a losing side here OP. The compromise to make this work is where? I cant see one. In an ideal world what would you like your relationship to look like? You are askimg him to compromise on a business across multiple sites where he has to attend daily.
I can only see a separation as the way forward. Sorry.