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Original poster

AIBU? Farmer OH who is never here! 12 wks pg and worried.

106 replies

TheBabbaCrunch · 02/12/2022 18:26

I was hoping for other people's experiences of how much their OH is around and whether I'm just being soft.

My OH is a farmer. We don't live on a farm, he has blocks of land scattered around where we live (some quite far away). He also has another agricultural job on top of the business. Income wise he earns a good amount but when you look at the hours he puts in, it's less than minimum wage. I have my own business too in an unrelated industry and work 40 hour weeks mainly from home - which perhaps adds to the loneliness. We have one dd already although she is from my previous relationship so not biologically his. I am pregnant again with second. From the beginning of our relationship I made it clear I couldn't be the typical farmer's wife (I'm a staunch veggie for a start). We decided to get together and see what happened as we connected in every other way - this was 4 years ago. I used to help out here and there but found we didn't work well together as he can be quite harsh and angry in his work and I was obviously inexperienced which irritated him. We have therefore kept our work pretty separate. I work a lot too and have my 4yo dd when I am not working. I am quite needy and have always found his long, anti-social hours difficult. It ebbs and flows throughout the year but lambing time is hard and I literally will not see him for around 4 weeks straight (new baby is due just as lambing ends nx year which I'm so worried about as he spends another month after lambing sorting them all, clipping ewes etc and is out all day inc weekends until late evening). I'd say there are 10 weeks of the year where I rarely see him at all and then many other weeks (maybe another 25 weeks?) he is out the house pretty much every day - inc weekends - from 7-8am until 9-10pm. The rest of the time it is quieter but still him working full time hrs. Holidays are limited - he takes about 2 weeks off a year split up (we do have hols but something always dies or goes wrong and I feel horribly guilty and he makes a point about it).

I feel very, very alone. Especially as my dd's dad was very involved and was at home a lot. OH told me that when the new baby is here, he will have to be out for 'at least two hours a day' even from the day it is born to water and feed things. He said I can have a week where he will try be home most of the time bar the 2 hrs. I've asked if he can employ someone while we parent together for a couple of weeks but he isn't keen. I am also worried he won't get back in time for the birth as my first was a very quick labour and some of his land is over 35 min away and he can be hard to contact when he is out and often cannot leave a job in the middle of it.

He is very loving and tries his best to help around the house. 'Tries' is probably the operative word though as I still do the majority of domestic tasks because he just isn't here enough to do it. He is totally loyal and I know he adores me. I cannot fault his effort. However, it can be a very lonely existence going weeks and weeks and weeks without a single day off together for family time. He really wanted a child and so I agreed as I was happy either way. I did make my expectations clear about him needing to be around more before ttc, but unfortunately that hasn't happened. I am now in a huge state of panic that I can't do this alone, and alone is what it feels like a lot of the time.

I also feel like our lives are geared around farming and everything has to be centred around that (his dreams) rather than compromising with my dreams and needs. My job allows for a huge flexibility which I sometimes feel he abuses.

AIBU? Any thoughts welcome. Not sure if this is pg hormones controlling the situation.

OP posts:
i83 · 02/12/2022 21:44

There isn’t anything either of you can do about the needs and requirements of the animals and farm but any possible changes to the travelling involved might help.

Could you maybe put your names down for a farm on your local estate and rent your house out (so you’re still homeowners)? There might be a long waiting list for one but at least you’d be on it.

Again, could you look for a house to rent near the biggest parcel of land and rent your house out? (No stamp duty and fewer fees involved.)

I do really feel for you, you can’t help who you fall in love with! Also, the thought of things and plans, can turn out to be different in reality. You do also have the pregnancy hormones surging through you!

How much other support do you have? Have you opened up to your friends and family about you are feeling? I know nothing is the same as having your DP around but try to get other people around you to help and as company.

Alexandernevermind · 02/12/2022 21:57

Has anyone mentioned toxoplasmosis to you op? He needs to be extremely careful if lambing starts before you have your baby. He needs to change clothes was wash fully before he comes anywhere near your home and you after lambing.
Its a lifestyle clash, I had an if you can't beat em join em attitude to farming when the dc were little, if we didn't join him on the farm at weekends we wouldn't see him. Its one of those vocations where it helps if the whole family is involved. Dc had a huge trampoline in the barn, their own hens and lambs to care for. Sympathies if the lifestyle isn't for you, I do understand how difficult it can be.

Treacletoots · 03/12/2022 07:29

Two sides to this one. Firstly it shows thst despite everything, yes it's ultimately down to the women to raise children, in SOME men's eyes. The patriarchy is alive and well.

However it's also a very strong lesson in listening to what people DO not what they SAY.

He made it very clear that he isn't a kid person, that his job comes first, even taking more hours than are necessary to avoid family life. Yet, OP believed she could change him. Words are cheap and yes people say what they want you to hear if it gets them what they want. Sadly OP you've two options, accept this is the reality of having a baby with a man who has made it clear that's your job. Or leave. Either way be prepared to raise your DC again as a single parent.

You can't change people, no matter how much you want to. You can only change yourself, and how YOU deal with the situation.

JustCakeInDrag · 03/12/2022 08:03

I would have wanted to see the changes in his behaviour start before ttc the child that he says he wants so much but you are where you are. You will need to be realistic about what changes are going to stick. Farming is very patriarchal and never-ending but if your OH is a workaholic then he would be the same whether he was farming, selling stocks and bonds, or flipping burgers. Workaholism is a personality and workaholics don’t change.

By coincidence I have quite a few friends who have to cope with absentee partners - either because they are workaholics or because they travel a lot for work and are regularly away Mon-Fri. They cope by having very robust support networks separate to their partner. Some are lucky enough to have supportive family nearby, others have built and nurtured friendships with other parents where they help each other out, and others pay for help. You are going to need to build up this support for yourself.

Fufumcgoo · 03/12/2022 08:10

TheBabbaCrunch · 02/12/2022 18:37

No but I feel there are things he could do to ease the situation (take on an apprentice, ask for help from others, employ a contract shepherd for a couple of weeks) that would allow a degree more flexibility for the birth of his child.

Show quote history

I don't think this is unreasonable. I do think he should be prioritising your birth needs over the flock when on just this one occasion he can pay for support so that he can be there for you when you need him.

Asking him to change his whole life for you is different and I also think your asking this, even if you don't realise it.

Newuser82 · 03/12/2022 08:13

My husbands job is like this, also animal related and honestly it is hard. He leaves the house about 6am and generally not home until about 9pm. I do all the jobs in the house except for tidying away after tea and get up every day with the kids. It's very lonely and I wish he would make some changes but we have been together many years now and nothing has changed.

I wouldn't expect him to change as he would have done so by now. I'd try to make some friends with children of similar ages so you have company and just find your own schedule. It's difficult.

EL8888 · 03/12/2022 08:20

Zodiacsigns · 02/12/2022 20:24

@LlareggubTripAdviser he pinned her down with his lies. If he'd been honest said he wasn't going to change and all the compromise was going to be from her, she'd have walked away.

OP don't marry him or buy a house with him. Did he live alone in a flat/house before he met you? Because if he couldn't fund his own place to live then his life isn't financially viable at all. You want to believe he's different, wouldn't lie because he loves you. I understand. Everyone thinks the same though, it's a story as old as time (regardless of what it is they've lied about to get/keep you). When you get fed up one day it'll be easier to separate if you're not financially tied together. So many men act like they're single without DC when deciding how to spend their time. I don't mean they're cheating just they're shit partners and dads, leaving their partner to carry all the load at home. He loves you, but not enough to respect you by not lying to you and giving equal importance to your hopes and dreams. "Let's get together and see how it goes" = "I want to be with you so let's see how long you'll put up with it all, hopefully forever".

Well, yeah. He doesn’t seem to want to compromise which means you would need to do ALL the compromising. Which isn’t fair

JustCakeInDrag · 03/12/2022 08:22

PS I would get booked on a local NCT course and make it clear to him you expect him to make time to come with you. You won’t need the birth prep stuff second time around but it will a) buy you a network for the lonely early days and b) possibly drive home to him the reality of parenting a newborn.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 03/12/2022 08:25

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 18:32

I also feel like our lives are geared around farming and everything has to be centred around that
sorry that's farming life! You can't flexi work it! * *

This is the reality. Lambs won’t wait for your dreams and sheep exist only to try and off themselves at every possible moment. You can’t just leave a farm to go on vacation (especially not one with animals). The farming life is early mornings and working until it’s done. For the spouses, it’s lonely if they aren’t themselves involved.

Im sorry you’re finding it hard, but you have a hard working, loyal husband who by the sounds of it is doing his best. Think of it as being like an army or oil worker wife. He can’t deal with all the home stuff, so you have to. It’ll get easier as your children age and become less constantly needy.

ThanksItHasPockets · 03/12/2022 08:33

There are two questions here, I think.

Are the things OP is asking for unreasonable? No, they are not.

Are the things she is asking for likely to happen? Also no, sorry, they are not. A pp described him as a workaholic and I agree, but there is one thing worse than a workaholic and that’s a workaholic in a never-ending job like farming.

I’m sorry OP but in addition to practical short and medium term measures (NCT classes are a good idea) you have some bigger issues to grapple with. You aren’t the first person to fall into the trap of thinking that a baby would help with a fundamental issue in a relationship.

ethelredonagoodday · 03/12/2022 08:48

MustdrinkmoreH2O · 02/12/2022 21:02

Oh OP I want to give you a big hug.

I know exactly where this is going as I have been there.

My ex was a farmer who also had little time. We never had DC and broke up for this exact reason.

Farming is non-negotiable to them. Like they literally are willing to lose their entire family, social circle, money etc for the farm.

It is almost a religion in its own right, their entire identity.

The only farmers I know who have managed successful long term relations are ones who marry women who also love the farm. Outdoorsy women who usually have an equally obsessive way of life that fits the farm e.g horse obsession.

I’ve never seen a relationship work between a farmer and non-farmer who doesn’t also submit to the farm way of life.

I honestly believe my ex loved me but giving me what I wanted (a normal relationship in terms of time) was like asking him to chop off his legs without pain relief.

He didn’t know life without the farm. It was who he is.
Unless he manages to find a farm adaptable woman he will probably die alone. He’d never had a long term relationship before me due to the farm and he was in his early thirties.

You will not be able to compromise with him as farm life isn’t compromising. So basically he’d have to leave it all. You might be lucky and get him to compromise for a few weeks if you’re extremely lucky but he’ll revert back. He has too unless he leaves.

Basically this will not change. This is it and anything he promises you won’t materialise.

Take care of yourself and your baby xxx

This is a good summary in my experience. Am not a farmer, but from a farming family, and married to son of dairy farmers.

DuchessDandelion · 03/12/2022 08:59

Such is the farming life but I have immense sympathy for you and I yanbu for being so lonely and feelings so isolated.

Some posters are missing the fact that he agreed to make adjustments when you set up life together and he's not doing that.

In his defence for right now, taking on a new business won't be helping that and I can see why that might make him less inclined to take on help.

I think you need to have a frank chat with him and remind him of his commitment because you have a newborn due. Set out very clear expectations of what you want - I'd never usually say this but if you can outline exactly what you'll need him to do when baby is here because i think he operates in task management mode.

Also be clear about what help to take on - a shepherd definitely and possibly something else.

Good luck op x

ehb102 · 03/12/2022 09:00

Unfortunately you can't compromise when livestock is involved. Rock and a hard place. Sorry, OP.

LadyPenelope68 · 03/12/2022 09:05

MichelleScarn · 02/12/2022 18:32

I also feel like our lives are geared around farming and everything has to be centred around that
sorry that's farming life! You can't flexi work it! * *

This exactly. Farming life is hard and there are many times the farm takes priority, it’s just the way it is. You can’t change that, you just have to work round it and unfortunately, you knew what it was like before getting pregnant

BarkminsterBlue · 03/12/2022 09:06

MustdrinkmoreH2O · 02/12/2022 21:02

Oh OP I want to give you a big hug.

I know exactly where this is going as I have been there.

My ex was a farmer who also had little time. We never had DC and broke up for this exact reason.

Farming is non-negotiable to them. Like they literally are willing to lose their entire family, social circle, money etc for the farm.

It is almost a religion in its own right, their entire identity.

The only farmers I know who have managed successful long term relations are ones who marry women who also love the farm. Outdoorsy women who usually have an equally obsessive way of life that fits the farm e.g horse obsession.

I’ve never seen a relationship work between a farmer and non-farmer who doesn’t also submit to the farm way of life.

I honestly believe my ex loved me but giving me what I wanted (a normal relationship in terms of time) was like asking him to chop off his legs without pain relief.

He didn’t know life without the farm. It was who he is.
Unless he manages to find a farm adaptable woman he will probably die alone. He’d never had a long term relationship before me due to the farm and he was in his early thirties.

You will not be able to compromise with him as farm life isn’t compromising. So basically he’d have to leave it all. You might be lucky and get him to compromise for a few weeks if you’re extremely lucky but he’ll revert back. He has too unless he leaves.

Basically this will not change. This is it and anything he promises you won’t materialise.

Take care of yourself and your baby xxx

This is very familiar. One of my closest friends is a farmer’s wife. The one major concession her husband was willing to make was giving up livestock and moving to fully arable farming when they started their family. They seemingly love each other very much but they barely see each other and live very separate lives. She is a teacher and v busy Sept-July, then just as she gets some free time in the holidays the harvest starts and he’s out doing fourteen-hour days on the combine. It is an absolute compulsion - there are years when the farm does not make enough to pay him a salary at all as it is a family farm which also supports elderly relatives and he is therefore working for zero payment. I know this causes significant friction but there is no way he will ever give it up.

I’m sorry, OP. None of what you are asking for is unreasonable but I agree with pp that you need to manage your expectations around what long-term changes he will be willing to make.

notdaddycool · 03/12/2022 09:10

Yabu you got with a farmer, it comes with the territory.

RoseAndGeranium · 03/12/2022 09:26

I think the reason most posters (myself included) are saying YABU and you knew you were marrying a farmer isn’t sexism (as you suggest) but just because it’s not really possible to compromise as a farmer. Do you know how much shepherds cost to hire, and how much that would eat into the very tight profit margin? Have you thought about how responsible your husband feels for his animals? You make a point of saying that you’re a veggie, presumably because you get upset about the idea of eating animals, so I should have thought you would be able to see how hard it would be for someone who cares about his ewes to leave them in someone else’s hands during lambing — which, as you also ought to know, can be complex and is a risky time for mother and lamb alike. The distance sounds hard, and the extra job sounds like a lot, but financial pressures on livestock farmers at the moment are obscene. Contractors hand on all the costs but meat buyers don’t hand on the price rises you see in the supermarket to farmers. Loads are going out of business. You should have a chat with DH about a plan for the future and whether you might be able to move to your own farm at some point, but you are being VVVVV U if you expect him just to take time off.

Christmastreee · 03/12/2022 09:53

You have my sympathy OP. I grew up on a farm and am now married to a farmer so I went into it with my eyes open. The reality of raising children on your own is hard. Spending most of your time on your own and not being able to plan anything, book holidays, accept invitations is infuriating. Everything depends on the weather. They work non stop. They could prioritise their families, but they usually don’t. Does he find time for what he really wants to do?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 03/12/2022 09:57

Sorry but YABU you knew he was a farmer. It'll get easier as they get older the kids can get more involved.

Noname99 · 03/12/2022 10:46

I do really feel for you, you can’t help who you fall in love with!

This is the single biggest lie that ensures the patriarchy continues. Yes you can choose who to fall in love with. The vast majority of threads on here are from women who state that their partner has always done less than their share with house& living stuff/had hobbies or friends that take priority/work very long hours/prioritize career etc and yet they still go ahead and live with/marry and have children with these men and then are apparently really surprised at how their life has turned out! I don’t know what goes wrong with our society that we can’t teach girls to maintain their boundaries and not ‘fall in love” with men who absolutely show women in their relationship before children who they are. Why does a woman think they can change a man? Why?? It’s so bloody frustrating.

Noname99 · 03/12/2022 10:49

@Treacletoots
“However it's also a very strong lesson in listening to what people DO not what they SAY.

He made it very clear that he isn't a kid person, that his job comes first, even taking more hours than are necessary to avoid family life. Yet, OP believed she could change him.”

Totally agree - it’s sooo frustrating

Original poster
TheBabbaCrunch · 03/12/2022 13:10

This seems to be a very polarising issue with people coming down hard on both sides! Just to clear a few things up:
He (or we I should say) absolutely could afford a shepherd for a couple of weeks.
He absolutely could (and should) get an apprentice.
I don't believe he is avoiding family life - I just think he lived a very insular and alone life before we met and has found it very alien adapting to sharing his life and what that entails and often gets that wrong purely from a lack of thought rather than intentionally trying to hurt me.
I have offered to fund (as much as I can - including the sale of my house which I own entirely) attempts to buy a farm. I have helped out a lot in previous lambing times. I am aware of the difficulties of farming and land etc and have far more knowledge and experience now than some posters seem to be giving me credit for. My issues aren't coming from a place of naivety (ie thinking he was going to change when he never was or not understanding farming) but from the fact I see very clear ways we could live more harmoniously and both get what a degree of what we want.... but he struggles to be a 'team' and engage with any of this and is more of a 'lone wolf'. He is a great guy and a great partner when he is around - the thread is not about demonising him. It was simply to gather whether the time he was offering me was unreasonable or not. I didn't need the lectures on farming and how farmers are Gods that we should all worship and let get away with anything they want - I think almost 4 years with a fanatical farmer has taught me all I need to know regarding that. There are plenty of jobs out there that include life or death situations that I don't feel get the 'free pass' that farmers do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBabbaCrunch · 03/12/2022 13:15

RoseAndGeranium · 03/12/2022 09:26

I think the reason most posters (myself included) are saying YABU and you knew you were marrying a farmer isn’t sexism (as you suggest) but just because it’s not really possible to compromise as a farmer. Do you know how much shepherds cost to hire, and how much that would eat into the very tight profit margin? Have you thought about how responsible your husband feels for his animals? You make a point of saying that you’re a veggie, presumably because you get upset about the idea of eating animals, so I should have thought you would be able to see how hard it would be for someone who cares about his ewes to leave them in someone else’s hands during lambing — which, as you also ought to know, can be complex and is a risky time for mother and lamb alike. The distance sounds hard, and the extra job sounds like a lot, but financial pressures on livestock farmers at the moment are obscene. Contractors hand on all the costs but meat buyers don’t hand on the price rises you see in the supermarket to farmers. Loads are going out of business. You should have a chat with DH about a plan for the future and whether you might be able to move to your own farm at some point, but you are being VVVVV U if you expect him just to take time off.

He doesn't have a tight profit margin. Lamb and cattle prices are through the roof. He's never made such high profits (high inputs aren't really affecting him as he doesn't use fertiliser or use animal feed, everything is grass reared etc etc). By his own admission he's making a fortune at the moment. So the fact he still isn't willing (even to employ a contractor to do smaller, time-consuming jobs after the birth) to compromise is an issue to me. It's not about leaving his sheep in the hands of someone else entirely, it's ensuring that he also has time with his own child whilst not compromising his flock - which I am NOT asking him to do... really struggling to see how I am being unreasonable here.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBabbaCrunch · 03/12/2022 13:20

Noname99 · 03/12/2022 10:46

I do really feel for you, you can’t help who you fall in love with!

This is the single biggest lie that ensures the patriarchy continues. Yes you can choose who to fall in love with. The vast majority of threads on here are from women who state that their partner has always done less than their share with house& living stuff/had hobbies or friends that take priority/work very long hours/prioritize career etc and yet they still go ahead and live with/marry and have children with these men and then are apparently really surprised at how their life has turned out! I don’t know what goes wrong with our society that we can’t teach girls to maintain their boundaries and not ‘fall in love” with men who absolutely show women in their relationship before children who they are. Why does a woman think they can change a man? Why?? It’s so bloody frustrating.

I am not trying to change him. I feel this thread has become quite dramatic with other posters telling me to leave him and that my relationship is doomed and all these other dramatic comments. I just feel he has asked a lot from me (move to a farm, move away from your family and friends if we find one, do most of the domestic stuff etc etc etc) so I am entitled to ask him to make adjustments to support me too. I don't feel he has 'changed me' and I don't feel I am 'changing him' by us both asking each other to work things better to harmonise both of our lifestyles. Relationships take compromise - I think the attitude of 'never ask anyone to change' is also daft as we all could do with reflecting on our behaviour and actions and changing if necessary......

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 03/12/2022 14:17

TheBabbaCrunch · 03/12/2022 13:20

I am not trying to change him. I feel this thread has become quite dramatic with other posters telling me to leave him and that my relationship is doomed and all these other dramatic comments. I just feel he has asked a lot from me (move to a farm, move away from your family and friends if we find one, do most of the domestic stuff etc etc etc) so I am entitled to ask him to make adjustments to support me too. I don't feel he has 'changed me' and I don't feel I am 'changing him' by us both asking each other to work things better to harmonise both of our lifestyles. Relationships take compromise - I think the attitude of 'never ask anyone to change' is also daft as we all could do with reflecting on our behaviour and actions and changing if necessary......

Show quote history

I don’t think any of what you are asking is unreasonable, but if he wanted to make the compromises you are asking for he would be doing it by now. I think that’s what a lot of us are picking up on and it really is pretty fundamental.

Please do not move away from your support networks for him.