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Original poster

Gender disappointment

94 replies

TisforTucan · 31/10/2022 14:57

Is anyone or has anyone experienced this? It's my last baby and I was hoping for a different sex as I have the same already. Basically a friend pointed out the nub when i showed her the picture on the weekend and told me what baby was (I then later did it through a website that confirmed).

I don't generally find out as we've had surprises but I was absolutely crushed, it's ridiculous I know but I felt really sad I'd never be able to buy different baby grows, do certain bonding things.

I love my babies and I wouldn't change them for the world but I am guilty in saying I did hope for a change. I'm over it a bit now as I just want a healthy baby at next scan but still it was a horrible feeling.

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Glera · 31/10/2022 15:38

I can empathise to an extend. I'll try to explain how I felt as i don't want people to get judgy and think it's about the gender.

In our first pregnancy, I felt disappointment at our 20 week scan. I wasn't disappointed for the boy we were having, we were excited to meet him. But, I was disappointed for the girl I had imagined and pictured and would never meet.

It would have been the same the other way around. If we found out it was a girl, I would have been excited for that but sad for the boy I would never meet.

I know people will be thinking "be grateful that you can have one at all" which is true but I see it as mourning the child that will never be.
understand. It isn't disappointment for the child you're going to meet, but disappointment for the one you won't meet despite imagining them in your life.

pickleandpolish · 31/10/2022 15:46

Maybe wait until you've had a scan by a professional sonographer before you get upset.

HailOWeen · 31/10/2022 15:48

Is it a boy, by any chance

Original poster
TisforTucan · 31/10/2022 15:59

Glera · 31/10/2022 15:38

I can empathise to an extend. I'll try to explain how I felt as i don't want people to get judgy and think it's about the gender.

In our first pregnancy, I felt disappointment at our 20 week scan. I wasn't disappointed for the boy we were having, we were excited to meet him. But, I was disappointed for the girl I had imagined and pictured and would never meet.

It would have been the same the other way around. If we found out it was a girl, I would have been excited for that but sad for the boy I would never meet.

I know people will be thinking "be grateful that you can have one at all" which is true but I see it as mourning the child that will never be.
understand. It isn't disappointment for the child you're going to meet, but disappointment for the one you won't meet despite imagining them in your life.

This is how I feel exactly, this baby will be so loved but I kinda am mourning the things I won't be able to do and I always imagined it and assumed I would (other family members have had one of each).

I dont want people to think im ungrateful we tried and had many losses before my first, I also didn't know what my two were and it was so irrelevant what they were when they came out I just forgot entirely 😅.

I wish I hadn't been told in a way because I never would of been over thinking it if we left it to when baby came.

OP posts:
OrcaBlondie · 31/10/2022 16:27

How many weeks was baby in the scan pic used? The 'Nub Theory' is only 40-60% accurate before 16 weeks when reviewed by a trained scientist or doctor.

I would highly advise you have a scan to determine the sex by someone qualified and not go by what your friend and the website said. You could be causing yourself unnecessary upset.

IntrovertedPenguin · 31/10/2022 16:30

Boys are great! You'll soon get over it.

Sallyh87 · 31/10/2022 17:38

I can empathise, with my first I thought I was having a boy and found out it was a girl. I didn’t care either way but because I thought it was a boy, I was a little disappointed. Mind you, I thought was a boy because of nub theory so I would hold off until your 20 week scan!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 17:39

HailOWeen · 31/10/2022 15:48

Is it a boy, by any chance

Of course it is, it ALWAYS is!

RambamThankyouMam · 31/10/2022 18:11

No. I was just bloody grateful to have conceived again. It wasn't looking likely.

BiscuitLover3678 · 31/10/2022 18:13

You mourn the child you will never have and the name etc

it’s normal. You will be ok. I remember someone once said to write a letter to the daughter/son you will never have. It’s cathartic.

contrats btw! 3 of one gender is also so exciting!

Meezer2 · 31/10/2022 18:15

A boy I would guess. Why do sons cause 'gender' disappointment.. 😢

TheDouglasChater · 31/10/2022 18:16

Meezer2 · 31/10/2022 18:15

A boy I would guess. Why do sons cause 'gender' disappointment.. 😢

Good question.

I've only ever seen this on Mumsnet. I thought boys were the favoured sex?

Meezer2 · 31/10/2022 18:19

As a mum with three sons who are my world The Douglas I find these posts so sad. 😔

BraveFaceScaredInside · 31/10/2022 18:26

My daughter in law is pregnant with her 3rd son, and has been a bit low as she really wants a daughter (as well as her sons) I spoke to her about her reasons and she thinks it is because mums have different relationships with daughters as children grow up. I have pointed out this isn't always the case.

She has had 2 mmc so does understand how losses feel and she feels awful for having a little disappointment.

People who feel disappointment don't need to be got at for how they feel, they usually feel horrid for it. Far better to try and understand their reasons, and try to reassure based on how they feel.

RudsyFarmer · 31/10/2022 18:27

I came hear just to know that it’s a boy 🤣🤣

Meagainalready · 31/10/2022 18:31

Waiting to be blown out the water at a mumsnet mum having gender disappointment she’s having a girl……………………………

Littlefishsticks · 31/10/2022 18:41

What's stopping you from buying different babygrows? Buy what you like. I've never let the sex of my DC influence what I buy for them. And I'm not sure what bonding things I can do with one and not the other. Tbh I expect there would be fewer "gender disappointments" if other parents did the same.

Meezer2 · 31/10/2022 19:26

Meagainalready · 31/10/2022 18:31

Waiting to be blown out the water at a mumsnet mum having gender disappointment she’s having a girl……………………………

Excellent.. 😂

Rose429 · 31/10/2022 19:52

I can definitely sympathise with you. Just found out my first baby is going to be a girl today at 20W scan and I just feel conflicted.

I was hoping for a boy throughout the whole pregnancy and got attached to the idea of it so much, the reveal makes me feel disappointed. Then I feel guilty because I’m having a healthy baby so why does it make me upset so much? Maybe I just need time to let go of the idea and come to term with the reality.

Starsinthesky22 · 31/10/2022 20:25

@Littlefishsticks I have to agree with this. I do think part of the reason some people may feel this way are the expectations formed based on what society thinks a certain sex should be like. It’s a real shame as I think these expectations are what may cause feelings of disappointment etc. I’m not belittling how you feel @TisforTucan I can completely understand why you may feel this way. I have a little boy and he absolutely loves Elsa and frozen, he loves his nails painted rainbow colours and he loves sparkles and glitter. He also likes cars, dinosaurs, digging in the garden and other things that we are told boys should do and like. The reality is despite sex all children are so different and if we allowed them to explore exactly what they like rather than channelling them a certain way based on what we think they should like (based on their sex) perhaps we would all be a bit happier and freer! Just a thought!

MummyJ36 · 31/10/2022 20:33

Aw OP don’t beat yourself up. I’d say this is more common than we think it is. Weirdly I was a bit freaked out when I found out I was having a boy after my DD because I thought I ‘knew’ girls and had always imagined my DD having a sister. I can see this is because I have always wanted a sister myself and mourned not having that close sisterly bond (I’m an only child).

However when DS was born it was truly magical. It wasn’t about whether the baby was a boy or a girl it was MY baby. And I realised my DD didn’t need her sibling to be a boy or a girl, she had a sibling, a friend forever and a comrade! And my DS is just…amazing. I can’t actually imagine having another girl now.

bubble55 · 31/10/2022 20:43

What’s with the boy thing? I would love a family of only boys, they’re great! I’ve been a teenage girl, I know what they’re like 🤢

DramaAlpaca · 31/10/2022 20:47

Hang on a minute - you haven't even had a scan yet have you OP, so you don't know yet at all.

And of course you think it's a boy, it always is on these threads. FGS.

WaddleAway · 31/10/2022 20:50

Hang on, you think the nub theory is reliable? it’s a theory. Why not wait until you actually know what the baby is before being disappointed in it?

Doowop1919 · 31/10/2022 21:17

Meezer2 · 31/10/2022 18:19

As a mum with three sons who are my world The Douglas I find these posts so sad. 😔

Me too. I adore my little boy and I have a second boy on the way. I could never imagine feeling disappointed about that and no, I will never understand it.

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