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Original poster

Gender disappointment

94 replies

TisforTucan · 31/10/2022 14:57

Is anyone or has anyone experienced this? It's my last baby and I was hoping for a different sex as I have the same already. Basically a friend pointed out the nub when i showed her the picture on the weekend and told me what baby was (I then later did it through a website that confirmed).

I don't generally find out as we've had surprises but I was absolutely crushed, it's ridiculous I know but I felt really sad I'd never be able to buy different baby grows, do certain bonding things.

I love my babies and I wouldn't change them for the world but I am guilty in saying I did hope for a change. I'm over it a bit now as I just want a healthy baby at next scan but still it was a horrible feeling.

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Magn · 31/10/2022 23:27

I know the feeling. Funnily enough I think I would have been disappointed at missing out on the other sex either way and am loving three the same but I do get a tiny pang that I don't have a baby I can dress up in the lovely clothing I see in the shops (that I wouldn't have bought and they probably wouldn't have liked anyway). Feel the same about driving past the house I chose mine over - I'm glad my life is the way it is but still wonder, what if?

SRS29 · 31/10/2022 23:39

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TheBirdintheCave · 31/10/2022 23:52

@SRS29 What a horrible comment to an honest reply.

I felt the same way at our twenty week scan and found out we were having a boy. I thought we were having a daughter as I'm the first born in my family and my husband's sister is the eldest too. I just imagined we'd have a girl first. It took me a while to get my head around the idea that we were actually having a son.

He's now twenty three months old. I don't love him any less because he's a boy but I definitely experienced the disappointment the OP refers too. I think it's a pretty normal thing to be honest.

Rose429 · 31/10/2022 23:54

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Wow how bitter you are.

You don’t know me, my life and my reasoning for the way I feel yet you have come to the conclusion that I’m a horrible person. I have never said I love my baby any less and I have never done anything to called an incompetent mother.

It’s literally in the title of the post and I can emphasise with OP. If you’re too judgmental for people like me and how we’re feeling, please move along and offer your opinion where it’s actually helpful, not hurtful.

MissMaple82 · 01/11/2022 00:01

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MichaelFabricantWig · 01/11/2022 00:01

Medoca · 31/10/2022 22:45

But raising two sons or two daughters are also different experiences for both children. When we did stop thinking of children as individuals? Do people have hair colour/eye colour disappointment too?

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Yes, I have 2 boys and it is an entirely different experience parenting each of them. About all they have in common is their sex. They are completely different in every way besides that.

Meezer2 · 01/11/2022 00:04

blah blah bah MissMaple. 🙄

ItsMeHiImTheProblemItsMe · 01/11/2022 00:37

I thought we were having a daughter as I'm the first born in my family and my husband's sister is the eldest too.

Yes, that’s how it works. 🤭

heartbroken22 · 01/11/2022 00:52

I honestly believe god gives you what's best for you.

Daisychainsx · 01/11/2022 06:45

My baby had the girliest nub imaginable at the 14 week scan... 22 week scan showed he is in fact 100% male! I'd take the nub theory thing with a pinch of salt, it's just a theory!

TheBirdintheCave · 01/11/2022 07:12

ItsMeHiImTheProblemItsMe · 01/11/2022 00:37

I thought we were having a daughter as I'm the first born in my family and my husband's sister is the eldest too.

Yes, that’s how it works. 🤭

🙄 Well its obviously not a biological certainty but it's just what I imagined happening as people tend to have girls first in my family. It's what I'm used to seeing. Have you never assumed something would be the case because of a long standing pattern?

PartysOver · 01/11/2022 07:27

TheBirdintheCave · 01/11/2022 07:12

🙄 Well its obviously not a biological certainty but it's just what I imagined happening as people tend to have girls first in my family. It's what I'm used to seeing. Have you never assumed something would be the case because of a long standing pattern?

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Not about what sex my children would be, no, because that would be completely illogical.

Herejustforthisone · 01/11/2022 07:29

ZeroFuchsGiven · 31/10/2022 17:39

Of course it is, it ALWAYS is!

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It makes me sad. Why are people so disappointed with boys?

I know a couple of women where they were desperate for a girl and kept going until they got them. The girl was then this worshipped little princess and in one case, put ahead of the three boys that came first. That mum would say “oh the boys absolutely dote on her, they adore her,” but it patently wasn’t true. They were resentful that this girl had come in and immediately trumped them all. Especially as the eldest boy was nearly a teen by that time. Anyway, this is off topic, but it’s not done any of them any favours, that little girl is…a handful.

Notplayingball · 01/11/2022 07:30

HailOWeen · 31/10/2022 15:48

Is it a boy, by any chance

Beat me to it.

SallyWD · 01/11/2022 07:38

My girl has more stereotypical boy characteristics and my boy has more stereotypical girl characteristics. I know some women want girls because they feel they'll relate better to a female child. My daughter is much more like her father than me and my son is much more like me. So despite the fact we are different sexes I actually find it much easier to relate to my son. Whatever reasons you want to have a girl - well they might not be as you expect!
My friend was desperate to have a girl so she had "someone to go shopping with". I think I barely ever went shopping with my mum and the one occasion I remember I was bored senseless.
Whatever combination of children you have will be great. I see benefits to having 2 boys, 2 brothers together seems nice to me. But really it's all down to the personality of the child. Try not to think in terms of boys and girls but in terms of who they are.

Sunnidaze · 01/11/2022 07:45

I have three boys. All three took dance classes when they were little and I got to enjoy the fun of being a 'dance mum'. These days they all enjoy a good trip to the shops, complete with a coffee or a casual lunch (they are so much fun to go shopping with!). One of them invariably asks to come with me when I take the dog for a walk, and we have delightful chats, I adore that time with them. They all play instruments, so while they didn't follow me onto the stage, they all play in the orchestra during school musicals. They all play sport, and I've grown to love watching them play each weekend. We have great pre-game chats in the car on the way there, and we deconstruct the game on the way home. We share movies, books, music etc, but not clothes and shoes (thankfully, my sister is constantly losing stuff to her daughter!). Gender disappointment is absolutely a thing, but please know that you can have the most beautiful relationship with your boys.

Gobimanchurian · 01/11/2022 07:52

HoppingPavlova · 31/10/2022 22:25

Raising a son is a different experience to raising a daughter, and many parents hope to be able to experience both.

The only difference I have experienced is that, in becoming tweens/teens, boys tend to go through a uncommunicative grunting phase, whereas girls have a ‘holy fuck they have literally turned into the devil crossed with the girl from the exorcist movie’ phase. That’s been my only ‘different experience’ along with many people I know that had kids of each gender, everything else was pretty much the same.

This! Lol.. (currently have 15yo b/g twins and an 18yo girl who has thank fuck come out the 'other side')...

Magn · 01/11/2022 07:59

PartysOver · 01/11/2022 07:27

Not about what sex my children would be, no, because that would be completely illogical.

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And emotional reactions to things are, of course, always entirely rational.

I'm with you @TheBirdintheCave , we expect what we see around us whether it's consciously or not.

Greeneyegirl · 01/11/2022 08:03

Is it a thing to want girls then? Im currently 27 weeks pregnant and not finding out. I dont think ill be disappointed if its a girl (especially after labour, delivery etc.) but in my mind i picture a boy. I love little boys clothes and would love my husband to have a little mini me. Id love to be the only girl in the house and have a troupe of boys who love their mum. Admittedly we also lost a young, male family member 18 months ago and a boy would feel somewhat healing to our family which im aware isnt the way to think of things. I never realised wanting a girl was such a thing.

Readmorebooks · 01/11/2022 08:10

People are very unkind.
I had a very strong preference for having children of both sexes before I got pregnant. It wasn't for any ridiculous stereotyped reason - I just wanted that.
As it happens that's what I got. I've never taken my DDs to a spa day or got our nails done (because I've never done that myself). My ds spent most of his childhood dressed in one of his sister's clothes.
In adulthood our ds tends to come to me first with problems and our dds tend to go to their dad.
People can have preferences for other reasons than stereotypes. Although gender stereotyping is a big problem it doesn't mean that everyone with a preference has it for those reasons.

Notplayingball · 01/11/2022 08:12

DMIL had two sons then a daughter. The daughter doesn't want children (too old for a family now) and is living happily single. DMIL probably hoped her daughter would marry and have her own family but that didn't happen. Only her son's had family and got married.

Don't assume if you have a daughter she will have a family one day herself, or be girly.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/11/2022 08:15

MoneyMeAndAdhd · 31/10/2022 22:33

I assume by ‘certain bonding things’ she means things like spa days and pamper evenings if she’d had a girl.
These threads used to make me upset but now they just make me really cross. ‘Grieving’ for the girly days that you might have had or the pink baby grows you might have bought.
I know OP didn’t use the word grieving but its a bit insensitive for PPs to use that word when some mums are actually grieving.

My ds and I bond over all sorts of shit including which is the best hair conditioner, many an evening we've sat watching telly with Olaplax on our hair 🤣

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/11/2022 08:21

We do a disservice to our children by assuming what they'll be into before they are even born. Societal stereotypes are bad enough at (eg) telling boys to do X and girls to like Y - why would we add to it before we've even met our child?

For the first 2 years they are the same anyways! And even then it only changes because stuff that's then targeted to them pushes the girl toy/boy toy shebang.

It's OK to be sad - but don't overlook the fact that you have a baby on the way, it was always going to 50/50, and whatever you envisaged your dd being like, there's every possibility she'd be nothing of the sort.

Dassams · 01/11/2022 08:29

People are very unkind.
I had a very strong preference for having children of both sexes before I got pregnant. It wasn't for any ridiculous stereotyped reason - I just wanted that.

Exactly. Many mums and dads just want the experience of raising both boys and girls.

That's not to say that any child is wonderful and not all boys love football or technology and not all girls love make up and chatting/catching up, of course not. But some do.

Skinnermarink · 01/11/2022 08:30

I mean you could mourn the MILLIONS of children you will never have due to that particular sperm not meeting the egg. But that would be stupid.

I don’t get it, but only on Mumsnet do I see these twee imaginings of all the things you could have done with a girl that you can’t do with a boy and the relationship you will never have with a girl that never existed.