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Original poster

Gender disappointment

94 replies

TisforTucan · 31/10/2022 14:57

Is anyone or has anyone experienced this? It's my last baby and I was hoping for a different sex as I have the same already. Basically a friend pointed out the nub when i showed her the picture on the weekend and told me what baby was (I then later did it through a website that confirmed).

I don't generally find out as we've had surprises but I was absolutely crushed, it's ridiculous I know but I felt really sad I'd never be able to buy different baby grows, do certain bonding things.

I love my babies and I wouldn't change them for the world but I am guilty in saying I did hope for a change. I'm over it a bit now as I just want a healthy baby at next scan but still it was a horrible feeling.

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OrcaBlondie · 31/10/2022 22:02

I think some of you should take a read:

www.antenatalandpostnatalpsychology.com.au/information-posts/gender-disappointment-grieving-the-idealised-child

It is quite common and a real thing psychologically, so quite uncalled and unhelpful to be so rude and jump to a conclusion. The poster was asking if anyone had experienced it, she wasn’t asking for your opinions, and hasn’t even confirmed the sex she believes her baby to be.

Medoca · 31/10/2022 22:13

Aren’t babygrows the same for both sexes? What things do you think you’ll miss out on? I can’t think of any experiences my parents missed out on for having one sex or the other. It’s more about love, feeling happy, doing fun things together etc. my genitals didn’t help or hinder me when it came to my parents love. I hope your family feel the same.

ItsMeHiImTheProblemItsMe · 31/10/2022 22:17

do certain bonding things.

I kinda am mourning the things I won't be able to do and I always imagined it and assumed I would

You need to realise how ridiculous this is though. Your kids will be individuals, they won’t want to do certain things just because they have a vagina or penis. Unless you bring them up in a gendered way which quite frankly is bullshit and really damaging for both sexes.

I have a boy and girl. If we had imagined and assumed it would be football and rugby with our son and shopping and makeup with our daughter, we’d be disappointed. Thankfully we had no expectations based on some bullshit made up gender shit.

Dassams · 31/10/2022 22:21

I know people will be thinking "be grateful that you can have one at all" which is true but I see it as mourning the child that will never be.

Yes it's completely understandable.

Raising a son is a different experience to raising a daughter, and many parents hope to be able to experience both.

HoppingPavlova · 31/10/2022 22:21

I'd never be able to buy different baby grows, do certain bonding things.

What ‘bonding things’ are you talking about? I have (now young adult/adult) kids of both genders and I can’t think of different ‘bonding things’ I did with them?

HoppingPavlova · 31/10/2022 22:25

Raising a son is a different experience to raising a daughter, and many parents hope to be able to experience both.

The only difference I have experienced is that, in becoming tweens/teens, boys tend to go through a uncommunicative grunting phase, whereas girls have a ‘holy fuck they have literally turned into the devil crossed with the girl from the exorcist movie’ phase. That’s been my only ‘different experience’ along with many people I know that had kids of each gender, everything else was pretty much the same.

CheeseWineBainne · 31/10/2022 22:27

I don't know anything about nub theory but a PP above has stated that it is 40 - 60% accurate when carried out by a trained doctor... if that is true, i.e. it's basically 50% accurate, that is the same as flipping a coin!! So it's complete bullshit then basically?

HoppingPavlova · 31/10/2022 22:30

I have a boy and girl. If we had imagined and assumed it would be football and rugby with our son and shopping and makeup with our daughter, we’d be disappointed. Thankfully we had no expectations based on some bullshit made up gender shit.

Exactly this. I think the majority of gender disappointment is based on a fantasy that would never be reality if they actually had that gender. Otherwise, it seems to be based on thinking their child will be an exact clone of themselves and do x,y,z or have exactly the same relationship that they had/have with their parents. It’s never based on the fact the child would be an individual and not a reenactment of the parent.

MoneyMeAndAdhd · 31/10/2022 22:33

I assume by ‘certain bonding things’ she means things like spa days and pamper evenings if she’d had a girl.
These threads used to make me upset but now they just make me really cross. ‘Grieving’ for the girly days that you might have had or the pink baby grows you might have bought.
I know OP didn’t use the word grieving but its a bit insensitive for PPs to use that word when some mums are actually grieving.

JamSandle · 31/10/2022 22:34

I think its normal to feel this. Can you try to process it and remind yourself how fortunate you are to have a healthy little one? 💚

MichaelFabricantWig · 31/10/2022 22:39

First of all I wouldn’t place any store in what your pal and a website have to say.

secondly you already know once you get that bundle in your arms you won’t care x

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2022 22:41

What are the binding things you won't get to do @TisforTucan

HoppingPavlova · 31/10/2022 22:42

I assume by ‘certain bonding things’ she means things like spa days and pamper evenings if she’d had a girl.

I’ve never done this with mine. So, you would be assuming that a girl would WANT to do spa days and pamper evenings? Why do you assume this, because it’s what you like to do so all girls would be like you? Good one.

HoppingPavlova · 31/10/2022 22:42

Mine prefer escape rooms and laser tag!

Medoca · 31/10/2022 22:45

Dassams · 31/10/2022 22:21

I know people will be thinking "be grateful that you can have one at all" which is true but I see it as mourning the child that will never be.

Yes it's completely understandable.

Raising a son is a different experience to raising a daughter, and many parents hope to be able to experience both.

But raising two sons or two daughters are also different experiences for both children. When we did stop thinking of children as individuals? Do people have hair colour/eye colour disappointment too?

Hariborrrrr · 31/10/2022 22:48

My first pregnancy, I desperately wanted a boy and got my boy. I can't really explain why I wanted a boy, I just did!
Second time round I wanted a girl, the main reason was because it was 11 years gap, I was starting all over again and wanted something 'different' 😂 I got the girl, but all the way through my pregnancy I was scared of being disappointed, if it was another boy.
She's now a teenager and the boy was definitely easier 😬 but all in all, not much different really, no spa days for example, she's into the same sport as her brother and dad and I don't get a look in 🤷‍♀️

Medoca · 31/10/2022 22:49

HoppingPavlova · 31/10/2022 22:42

I assume by ‘certain bonding things’ she means things like spa days and pamper evenings if she’d had a girl.

I’ve never done this with mine. So, you would be assuming that a girl would WANT to do spa days and pamper evenings? Why do you assume this, because it’s what you like to do so all girls would be like you? Good one.

I’m female. Hate a spa, never have done it with either parent or friend. My husband love a spa, and he used to go with his mum. I went to football with my dad, cricket with both parents, swimming with dad, mum taught us to knit (my brother is so much better than me). Can we just let people be people? Hopefully you’ll raise children who will be happy to bond with you for whatever jolly you like. If my mum or dad liked spas, I’d have probably gone with them even though it wouldn’t be my preference. They did the same for me, neither wanted to go to science museum as a preference, but they happily took me!!

MoneyMeAndAdhd · 31/10/2022 22:50

@HoppingPavlova wtf?! I was saying that’s what I assumed the OP might have been talking about. It’s not what I think!
It’s an annoying stereotype of what girls/ women want to do and in my opinion it good be a shallow and silly reason for wanting a daughter.

Dassams · 31/10/2022 23:00

But raising two sons or two daughters are also different experiences for both children. When we did stop thinking of children as individuals? Do people have hair colour/eye colour disappointment too?

Generally the difference between genders is bigger than the difference between blue eyed and green eyed people!

Not all girls like spas or going shopping. Absolutely! But many do. Probably more than boys would.

It's ok and normal to feel gender disappointment. As last nhs as you feel grateful for having a healthy child!

Dassams · 31/10/2022 23:01

Sorry for typos - As long as

PinkPupZ · 31/10/2022 23:03

Boys are amazing (it usually is about boys 😞)

I have both but just wanted living babies after lots of losses.

It's more about personality than gender stereotypes.

PinkPupZ · 31/10/2022 23:05

HoppingPavlova · 31/10/2022 22:42

I assume by ‘certain bonding things’ she means things like spa days and pamper evenings if she’d had a girl.

I’ve never done this with mine. So, you would be assuming that a girl would WANT to do spa days and pamper evenings? Why do you assume this, because it’s what you like to do so all girls would be like you? Good one.

I can't think of anything worse than a spa day, never worn a dress and never do my nails. It's all very stereotypical

Chailatteplease · 31/10/2022 23:07

Meezer2 · 31/10/2022 18:15

A boy I would guess. Why do sons cause 'gender' disappointment.. 😢

Would have been opposite for me. I desperately wanted a son first and would have been disappointed if I had a girl (think it was due to bad relationship with mother). He turned out to be quite feminine anyway 😁

Meezer2 · 31/10/2022 23:12

Exactly Chailatte. Mine are all grown up now and one is gay and very feminine. The daughter I never had! (Not serious with this statement in any way, but trying to prove that sex at birth doesn't define a given gender stereotype)

Chailatteplease · 31/10/2022 23:19

Meezer2 · 31/10/2022 23:12

Exactly Chailatte. Mine are all grown up now and one is gay and very feminine. The daughter I never had! (Not serious with this statement in any way, but trying to prove that sex at birth doesn't define a given gender stereotype)

Definitely! Doesn’t change how much we love them anyway. It’s all just an idea/fantasy until they develop their own personality and you realise they’ll be exactly who they are!