How to announce pregnancy to infertile brother and SIL?

[Lou1293]

Hi everyone,

We have recently found out that we are expecting our first baby. We got married in July and I have been lucky to fallen pregnant the first cycle of trying.

My brother and SIL have been struggling with fertility for about 3 years. I think my brother would take the news well and be happy but worry it would really hurt SIL initially. She told me when her best friend told her she was pregnant (on FaceTime) she cried for hours 😔

Any advice how to share our news? I thought about telling my brother on his own and letting him tell her? Or a text message to allow her time to feel her feelings and let the news settle?

Thank you!!

Meant to add - really just want to be sensitive to her feelings. I know it’ll be tough to hear any way but just want to ensure least hurt for her 💞

We had similar and my husband phoned his brother up to tell him personally. We abided by their decision not to have anything to do with us for about 18 months. It was hard for everyone all round although happily they now have a DC of their own.

I have no experience and hopefully someone with experience will post. But I would tell them in person, just the four of you. Before it's 'announced' and then give them space to have whatever feelings they have.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 🥰

I've had 3 losses and honestly text message is by far the best way (and is always by far the most recommended on the many threads like this if you search back). It gives them a chance to not have to be happy for you right away and react in private. The worst is telling in person.

Text or email. Give them a chance to react in private.

Yep. Text or email so they don't need to react to your news in front of you.

Make sure also you do it at a time you know they're at home with nothing on.

Tell your brother and he can tell his wife.

Definitely not in person (from someone who has gone through infertility.) A text would be kinder. It will allow them to be upset in private (which they inevitably will - don't take it personally. Sometimes it feels like you are the only one in the world not getting pregnant.)

Do not tell them in person, that’s exactly how not to do it!

There isn't an easy way. Differemt folk might have differemt thoughts on this. I think maybe tell your brother first Thats what I would do I think.

I have experience of this - 4 years of infertility and a lot of pregnancy announcements over that time. A text is best as it gives them time to react in private and reply in their own time. In person would be the worst way.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Another vote for text. Then they can get their head around it in private, rather than in front of you. We have been struggling to conceive for over 4 years and l wouldn’t want that news sprung on me, especially after 2 seconds of trying

Yep. Please text. My SIL announced on Xmas morning and I had to get through the whole Christmas Day trying to look thrilled, would have been much easier to know in advance.

As someone who has been through IVF and now pregnant thanks for being sensitive and thinking about how to break your news (congrats by the way)! I would say text message is best, this allows time to digest this information and reply if and when they feel ready to. I found in lockdown my SIL and bro announcement via FaceTime very overwhelming and I had to hang up the call as I became distressed x

Another sad voice of experience asking you to text, rather than call or in-person.

Definitely text. Also, think about when you send the text - you want it to arrive when they're able to take some time to process it, not when they're at work, for example

Yeah, a message is best. I've been in your SIL's shoes. She will be upset, not because she's happy for you, but because it's a reminder of what's not happening for her. Don't want to dictate when you tell them, but I did find it a bit upsetting when people told me they were pregnant and they were still very early on in their pregnancy (before 12 weeks). They'd be sensitive in their approach, but a bit of me was like, why did they feel the need to tell me so soon knowing what I'd been through? I had one person tell me when they were around 7 weeks and then they asked me not to tell anyone because they didn't want to properly announce until they'd had their scan!!? I mean, why tell me then, knowing I'd had multiple losses? 🤷‍♀️ Just some food for thought...

7 years of ivf, 6 pregnancies and only one DD. This is my advice:
Do NOT tell them in person. Phone or text, keep it short and let them have their private cry. Let them grieve their infertility in private.

You probably already know this but I'll say it anyway: they're hurt because it's another confrontation of their infertility. It has nothing to do with if they want you to be happy or not. They absolutely want you to live a happy life, it's their unfulfilled dream that is extremely frustrating and painful. If they need to step back from you temporarily, please be understanding and tell them that your door remains open for when they can resurface again.

Text message! I've had a long battle with infertility, and use the Infertility board to chat with others going through it. It's unanimous that it's cruel to tell someone face to face about a pregnancy, and a text is FAR better than a phone call. It is unutterably shit to have to pretend to be happy and delighted for someone when all you want is to curl up in misery and defeat.

Everyone I'm close to has shared pregnancy news via text or email with the exception of one friend who thought it would be lovely to tell me in person, in a very public place, one to one - I have no idea what was going through her head.

Thank you for your message. I think the general consensus is text so that’s what we will do.
We are not planning to announce until minium 12 weeks but ideally 16/40 mark if we can hide it until then.

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses, I also had a MMC last year at 12 weeks so understand the pain - hence our decision not to share news until later and in the meantime crossing everything that this one is here to stay 🤞🏻

Another vote for text and think through the timing of when you send it so they have time to process (ie not when they are at work/about to go somewhere nice where they will see lots of people - if you have no idea of their movements at weekends, maybe go for early evening on a Fri/Sat/Sun (assuming they work M-F and whichever they are least likely to be going out).

Text brother. Don't expect a response. Don't tell them it's was first cycle they don't need to know. Be prepared if they pull away hopefully not.

I was still very involved with my niece when we were going through fertility problems. I desperately didn't want it to impact on her. My sister and I are close.

Some people can't handle that though.

Congratulations

Do you meet up? Just thinking if you do and you are starting to show by then, it would be kinder for them to know rather than realising it from how you look!
congratulations by the way, hope it all goes well for you

We had a similar situation. My DP texted his brother and told him so he could process it in private and tell SIL. Unfortunately they cut us off and we haven't seen them in over 2 years. We tried to be respectful that our news would upset them but they seemed to take it personal and say alot of things about us and why they deserve a child more then us. A very sad situation really.

I hope you have better luck OP

I've been through infertility and being told we'd need icsi to conceive. whenever I heard pregnancy need, it was awful. I had to sit there and smile through the bloody pain. I much preferred a text message so I could be upset and then text back when I was ready.

Also just In case although I don't think you would... please don't say it happened on your first month of trying...it's like adding salt to the wound.