How to announce pregnancy to infertile brother and SIL?

[Lou1293]

Hi everyone,

We have recently found out that we are expecting our first baby. We got married in July and I have been lucky to fallen pregnant the first cycle of trying.

My brother and SIL have been struggling with fertility for about 3 years. I think my brother would take the news well and be happy but worry it would really hurt SIL initially. She told me when her best friend told her she was pregnant (on FaceTime) she cried for hours 😔

Any advice how to share our news? I thought about telling my brother on his own and letting him tell her? Or a text message to allow her time to feel her feelings and let the news settle?

Thank you!!

Pregnancy news*

I agree with this: Also just In case although I don't think you would... please don't say it happened on your first month of trying...it's like adding salt to the wound.

Given the situation, I wouldn't mention that to anyone in the family or connected to them, to be honest. It's just the sort of thing that your mom might let slip at an inopportune moment not realizing it's an additional painful issue. (But maybe your mom isn't as oblivious as mine!)

Do not text !! So impersonal!! Ring your brother and speak with words ... Jesus 🙄

How would they have felt if people had nothing to do with them for 18 months because they had a baby?

I’ve been on both ends of this situation and would say definitely don’t do this in person. Text message is kindest to allow them time and space to process their own difficult feelings before they have to consider yours.

So you know better than the many posters here with desperately painful first hand experience who say text?
It doesn't preclude talking in the future. It just gives space and privacy for the initial news.

I would say definitely text. There's nothing worse than trying to force yourself to be happy and over the moon when someone tells you either face to face or during a phone call that they're Pregnant when you are either going through infertility or suffered from losses. Of course you are happy for that person but sad for yourself that you no longer have or might never have what they have and it's mega hard to keep your emotions in too. I found out during a family meal my ex SILs Pregnancy. At the time I was suffering with infertility so I really struggled with the news and it was so hard trying to congratulate her without bursting into tears myself. Although in all fairness to her she did actually tell my exH to tell me in private first but he couldn't be arsed as he never wanted a baby in the first place just played me along for 15 years. Since I've met my new Boyfriend we've had 5 losses so now Pregnancy announcements trigger me for a totally different reason. Congratulations btw OP

But this has nothing to do with being impersonal. It's about recognizing that the person receiving the news might not want to be near you whilst they are processing it.

Have you not read the posts from the number of people in the position of OP's brother and SIL, who have from what I can see unanimously said that a text / email is far preferable so they can react privately immediately and gather themselves before reacting to the couple who are expecting?

Do you think that dismissing their experiences is thoughtful or kind?

I'm in their position and my sibling has recently conceived another child. I am no less happy for them, but I am feeling very sad that my partner and I are struggling and are at the moment heartbroken each month.

Being told over text was so much kinder than being told over the phone or in person as it meant I could have a good cry, a cuddle with my partner and gather myself before ringing to congratulate them once I had had that initial reaction.

If I'd been told in person and burst into tears (which I would have) then on top of feeling confused about the internal struggle between heartbreak for us and happiness for others, I would also have felt guilty and like I was making their happy news all about my sadness, that I was tarnishing a lovely moment.

A text was very thoughtful of them and made things easier for all involved.

Pretty much everyone who has been through infertility themselves is saying to text. Its not impersonal at all, it's acting with sensitivity and allowing them to process it themselves in private.

Oh, nonsense. A text from one person to another isn't the least bit impersonal. Calm down with the exclamation marks and emojis and note that 90% of contributors to this thread who have been through it, have expressly advised that contact should be by text or email. The OPs brother and wife deserve the opportunity to process without anyone witnessing their anger and pain.

@MiniCooperLover

Imagine eye rolling at the suggestion of 18+ people on the thread who have suffered with infertility and said that in this situation a text is absolutely their preference.

Imagine eye rolling on a thread about infertility and sensitivity at all tbh.

"Jesus" indeed.

Definitely text/email.
I had 7 years TTC, 10 IUI/IVF, with two losses, before finally having my miracle twins.
During those 7 years, so many friends had pregnancy announcements, some done sensitivity, some not. Your SIL will need time to process it, before putting on her "public" face.,

I agree about texting or emailing.

I would be really honest. Something like 'I know, from what you've said, that this will be hard for you. We've recently had a positive pregnancy test. I know you may not feel like talking for a while - please do whatever feels right for you.'

(An also - congratulations! You sound really kind and lovely.)

OP
congratulations- and how lovely of you to worry about your brother and SIL’s feelings

I struggled for years with infertility until I had DS1 by successful IVF so I've seen countless friends and siblings of friends fall pregnant.

I can honestly say I've preferred it when friends have told me in person. I've always been happy for them - I wouldn't put any of my friends in the position of needing fertility treatment just because I did.
I never ever wanted to feel like friends couldn't tell me.

Agree with almost every other PP. Maybe text your brother and allow him to break the news to his wife.

My best friend also got pregnant on her first try and despite knowing my struggles with conceiving I found out when a message of a photo of a positive pregnancy test flashed up on my phone while I was on a work zoom call. I spent the rest of the meeting reeling and trying not to burst into tears.

Congratulations by the way!

Agree with everyone who has said a text to them is so much better. I’ve been in the position where the person then starts trying to reassure me it’ll be my turn next etc etc and although they were trying to help it just made it worse. Definitely a text and allow them to feel how they feel without then feeling guilty for ruining your happy moment. Be prepared they might not want to hang out lots/ join in with pre baby celebrations. Also OP you sound lovely for considering their feelings, congrats and wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

Congratulations!

I’d just add that unless you absolutely know your brother will be really sensitive in breaking the news to your SIL, I would text her directly. My boyfriend generally could not understand why other people’s news upset me, even though I was happy for them, as logically it didn’t affect our chances.

Texts use words. She’s not going to do it by emoji.

There is NOTHING impersonal about putting so much thought into how best to allow them
space for their feelings.

I read this earlier but didn't post as I seem to be at odds with everyone else. I have infertility issues and am extremely unlikely to ever have children. Age now becoming a factor too.

That said, I would be really hurt if any of my siblings texted me to tell me they were expecting a baby. Friends and acquaintances, yes a text is preferable but not my siblings.

We are close family and we talk on the phone all the time. I would find it cold to share their news by text given our usual interactions.

I wouldn't say anything as I know it would be well intended but I would never want them to feel like they had to mute their own happiness or tip toe around me. My infertility is not their fault.

Your husband will know his brother best and how they normally communicate. Text may be the best approach but consider how they normally communicate.

Another one supporting the text idea. Absolutely the only way I would've wanted to hear about this. Some people can be incredibly insensitive to this issue with no concept that their happiest moment is the most painful thing another person can hear about. A text message allows whoever you are telling to react however they need to in private. If they pull away from you or don't reply at all, respect that and don't push anything.

Definitely text. My lovely SIL and BIL waited a while and did a big announcement with tshirts because they were so excited and it was very sweet but I had this creepy smile on my face and was saying all the right words while my whole body began to shake. DN is now 7 and we have 2 kids and I can still remember how it felt. And then you are so annoyed at yourself for how irrational and unfair you are being to be upset at such happy news for people you love.

Just to add on I would avoid saying things like "if you need to have some space from us" or even mentioning their TTC, just tell them the news. They will be so excited, DN are such a blessing. And please please don't mention how long it took TTC, it may come out in due course but I distinctly remember speaking to a close friend about the testing we were going through and she repeatedly kept saying well DH and I must be super fertile, its always first time for us. I mean I could have quite easily worked that out with the timing of their kids but it felt a weird thing to boast about!

Congratulations, hope you are keeping well.

Not on a zoom call in the middle of a conversation about us needing ivf 'oh well at least one of us can have kids, baby is due is December'

They literally interrupted us. All family on zoom call