How to announce pregnancy to infertile brother and SIL?

[Lou1293]

Hi everyone,

We have recently found out that we are expecting our first baby. We got married in July and I have been lucky to fallen pregnant the first cycle of trying.

My brother and SIL have been struggling with fertility for about 3 years. I think my brother would take the news well and be happy but worry it would really hurt SIL initially. She told me when her best friend told her she was pregnant (on FaceTime) she cried for hours 😔

Any advice how to share our news? I thought about telling my brother on his own and letting him tell her? Or a text message to allow her time to feel her feelings and let the news settle?

Thank you!!

OP unless you had explicity told DB or SIL in the past that you never intended ro have kids, they are probably already bracing for hearing this news from you, having recently married and being of the age where this is likely to be the next big step.

I'm sure that by confiding in you about hearing her friend's news on Facetime, SIL was asking you to read between the lines and not put her through something like that again. She'll be expecting you to share this news at some point; it won't be a big surprise. You sound lovely and sensitive and as others have said, a text is the way to go.

Please no one ever do this.

What an absolutely shitty thing to do.

@Sweatymess2022 what on Earth were you thinking?

I agree with every word of this.

Definitely a text, probably just to him and save them having to do a false reaction. They will be happy for you but it will just be hard to fake a reaction at first. I texted my friend in a similar situation for this reason and didn’t do any kind of big announcement

Care to be clearer?

What were you thinking, phoning your infertile brother and sister in law to inform them you were taking a pregnancy test in a few days? And then phoning again to say it was positive? What on Earth made you think that was a good idea?

Well there's about another half dozen of us with the same sentiment, who were more expansive . . .

I didn't say "I text them saying we'd been TTC for 1 month, then got pregnant" you have absolutely no idea how long I was ttc for.
Should everyone make an announcement to their loved ones as soon as they make the decision to try to get pregnant?

The text message was sent the day I actually found out we were pregnant, and rather than just outright say this, i sent a text (we speak most days) saying that I felt different this month and that we were due to test in a few days. This have them a chance (they said this to me themselves later) to wrap their head around it before I gave them the news.
This family member is more like a best friend to me so the news would have always been difficult to share, however I couldnt give a shit if you would do it differently 🙄

Do not do what @Sweatymess2022. How heartless! What on earth were you thinking?

Just text them, plain and simple. 'Hi DB, I wanted to let you and DW know first, I am pregnant. Take your time, no rush to respond right away. Sending lots of love.' Or similar.

I wouldn't go down the whole 'I know how difficult this might be for you' because you don't.

Just give them time and space. Don't send tests or scans or anything of the sort.

Should everyone make an announcement to their loved ones as soon as they make the decision to try to get pregnant?

No. That’s the point. You did though. What’s more you made up a fake ttc date. Then let them wait in suspense to find out if somebody else had the happy news they so desperately craved. Which you knew you would. Just weird, toying with their feelings like that.

Definitely text. When we were struggling with infertility I was obviously happy for other people but utterly heart broken at the same time, so please don't tell them face to face or even call because they will need space and time to digest the news.

I've clearly worded this badly.
I told them we "had been trying" not trying for 3 days!
I said that we'd been trying, this month I felt differently and that we were due to test in a few days. 3 days later my family member approached me and asked, I then confirmed we were pregnant.

This clearly isn't how some other people would handle it, however this family member has told me prevously how she wished she'd been given a heads up before finding out someone close in the family was pregnant, so she could process.
We are incredibly close and are able to discuss our thoughts and feelings and I've no doubt she would have said something if she felt I'd treat her badly.

This family member also knew we would probably start trying last year so it wasn't a complete shock.

I was the same. My partners brother has children from a previous relationship a girl and boy they are grown up now, but he and his girlfriend, been together 15 years and not got any children . She told me a few years back it’s what she wants more than anything. When I got pregnant with our son she stopped talking to me for the full pregnancy and beyond until our son was 2. I didn’t realise she would act this way but she had asked me if we would ever have any children I said yes actually I’m pregnant, her attitude changed immediately, I was 11 weeks at the time. So after we talked again when my son was 2 she asked if we would ever have any more as she thought we shouldn’t. I told her I was unsure. She told me she would love a girl but she betted I wouldn’t have a girl. We found out we were pregnant in January and in March we found out it was a girl. I didn’t want to tell her. But I was 16 weeks and hadn’t told anyone in my partners family because I was worried for her reaction but I realised I can’t and shouldn’t be keeping such beautiful news to myself when I know the rest of the family would be so happy for us. I didn’t tell her, we got a card and present for the grandparents with our son and the scan photo on saying our sons name then baby sister due with the due date. I decided if they could just tell her then when she wanted she could talk to me if she ever wanted too. She hasn’t yet and I’m 33 weeks now. I see her partner often he’s great about it all always asking how am I, how do I feel. I don’t know if/when she will come round and it makes me feel bad but it’s an awful situation to be in

I don't recall eye rolling ... we had losses, IVF failures, finally an IVF success followed by another IVF failure ... so don't assume only the ones backing the text idea know what they're talking about 🤷‍♀️

@MiniCooperLover

I don't recall eye rolling ...

You literally used an eye roll emoji...

"Do not text !! So impersonal!! Ring your brother and speak with words ... Jesus 🙄"

I'm sorry you've also struggled with fertility issues.

I didn't say that anyone who disagreed with the text preference couldn't have struggled with fertility issues too.

I pointed out that eye rolling about the suggestion when 18+ people (now well into the twenties) explained why a text would be their preference, due to a sensitive and often heartbreaking position, was a bizarre thing to do.

And completely insensitive.

You could have said "I've been in the same boat but actually wouldn't have liked a text as I personally would have found it impersonal".

Instead you said 'Jesus' and rolled your eyes as if exasperated with the many people suffering with infertility who shared their thoughts.

Fair point with the eye roll, I couldn't see it on my screen. Regardless, the point is I shouldn't have to lay out our own struggles, the point is I have an opinion as allowed as everyone else's.

I would text your sil directly. We had years of infertility and some people were very sensitive some not so!
Say you understand how hard it must be for her then dont make a big deal out of it. My husband couldn't understand how i could be happy for someone but upset at the same time. A very good friend told me in person just the 2 of us, i did have a cry but she had been very understanding throughout and felt very comfortable with her. If you aren't very close i would go for text then try snd keep it as normal as possible afterwards.

Another voice of experience, text

You didn't have to lay out your struggles, you just didn't need to roll your eyes at other people's preferences when it comes to their experience of infertility and proclaim 'Jesus' as if exasperated with them.

It's easy to provide another point of view or disagree with someone, without dismissing someone else's in that way. Especially when they're speaking on such a sensitive topic.

As I said, I'm sorry you've been through it too. It's heartbreaking.

The fact you've been through it too makes the eye rolling / sarcy post even more baffling.

And you didn't 'see it on your screen' but you did type it on purpose as it made sense within the context of the post. You thought that was appropriate and others thought it was unnecessarily unkind and dismissive. Agree to disagree I guess.

Even when you explain it, it's not any better. Fair play if this is what worked for you and your family member but I would advise 100% of other people not to do this and take your advice

Wow. That is quite a decision.

I agree with the others who have said please do it via text. This will give them time to process privately without needing to react appropriately in person/ on the phone.

If you're able to tell them a day or two before you make it public, that would be really kind too.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I was in your sister in law's position and just wanted to say I was still thrilled about every pregnancy announcement! Obviously I understand it's totally normal to feel differently and I had a few friends who didn't feel the same as me. Just wanted to say she might be thrilled but I would still go the text route x

I was in this position, my mum told their mum, and they broke the news. Things all turned out ok, as the family member also became pregnant soon after, which was wonderful news. Good luck OP.