How to announce pregnancy to infertile brother and SIL?

[Lou1293]

Hi everyone,

We have recently found out that we are expecting our first baby. We got married in July and I have been lucky to fallen pregnant the first cycle of trying.

My brother and SIL have been struggling with fertility for about 3 years. I think my brother would take the news well and be happy but worry it would really hurt SIL initially. She told me when her best friend told her she was pregnant (on FaceTime) she cried for hours 😔

Any advice how to share our news? I thought about telling my brother on his own and letting him tell her? Or a text message to allow her time to feel her feelings and let the news settle?

Thank you!!

To add to everyone else, may I also suggest not sending them your scan photo? Honestly, they don't tell you anything really and they break my heart as someone who's only ever had bad news from an ultrasound.

TEXT!.

To be clear - I would be happy for you. But I need at least thirty seconds to say the right words, one minute to find the right facial expressions, and a few days or more for my emotions to catch up. Then there will be genuine happiness!

A text means I don’t have hide my own feelings, fake a smile, and pretend to be happy for you while thinking ‘it’s not fair’! Nor do I have to spend the next year beating myself up and overcompensating because I don’t think faking it was convincing enough

Yes! I felt the same way.

Ha, yes! I have a friend who did this to mutual friend. Mutual friend has no children and opted never to have fertility treatment (not child free by choice but has broadly accepted now). Mutual friend told other friend absolutely not to send to me as I was only a month or so off the back of my most recent miscarriage.

Text or phone call from you DH to his DB, he can judge which is best. Text from you to SIL so it doesn't become a thing, but taking your lead from her after.

I see you're intending to delay telling anyone if possible. I would say, if you're not going to see them for a while, don't delay the news until the very last moment. No later than 35 weeks at the absolute latest to give them some time to get their head round the idea.

Agree with pp-

• text or email, not a call or in person
• they may find it upsetting- that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. The pain is unavoidable, unfortunately.
• No scan pics or similar unless they specifically ask.
• Don’t try to anticipate their reaction by saying “I know you’ll find this hard” or similar. That can some across as patronising or insulting,

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Text or email so they have time to process it.
Don't tell anyone you were 'lucky enough to fall pregnant first cycle' as no one needs to hear that, especially not them

Reiterating do not tell in person.

My sister told me casually about her pregnancy on the way to dinner followed by a Shakespeare play! My husband and I were six years into infertility at this point. How I held it together for several hours before getting back through my own front door and collapsing in sobs…

I love my sister, but her lack of empathy for our situation still astounds me. I was even asked to arrange her baby shower - which I declined and deferred to her SiL.

I did go on to have one child, but the pain of years of infertility is still raw. Tread lightly.

Actually while we’re on the topic of emoji, don’t use them in your text (if you’re normally an emoji person).

We were unable to TTC for years due to health issues (so not the same as direct fertility struggles but the result was we couldn’t conceive). I had someone (who didn’t know this) share baby news in a text with various emojis and it would have been better without them.

Although the worst thing was the (supposed) friend who, on the same day I confided that I was really struggling with not having children, sent me a photo of her daughter wearing a t shirt saying she was going to be a big sister. And then texted me several times asking if I had seen the picture yet. We are… not friends any more.

I was here for a sad about of time before I had my family.

Text or write. Tell them you understand how difficult this news will be.

Tell them you love them and you've told them first so they can mentally prepare.

Tell them you fully accept how difficult this will be for them and that they may well feel they cannot be present. That you understand and accept this.

Ironically the thing that seemed to help me after about five years of shutting myself away and avoiding all babies was a close friend having a newborn and we bonded. She just rocked up with this tiny tiny baby and left me with him. It was holding that newborn, spending long periods of time in that gooey mummy phase of very early babyhood, even though he wasn't mine. She was so generous sharing her newborn with me.

I was pregnant within 3 months after five years of failed IVF. I'm sure it does something, it certainly worked with me.

@toffeechai oh yeah, l have been on receiving end of tactless messages / pictures and then a follow up enquiring if l have seen it. We aren’t friends any more either 🙄

Do not text !! So impersonal!! Ring your brother and speak with words

How else would one speak if not with words? And what’s with all the exclamation marks? Cool your jets 🙄

Anyway, worse advise ever. As reflected by the multitude of posts advising the total opposite of this.

I really wouldn’t tell them in person. She’ll know you can see her reaction and will be forced to put on some kind of cheerful front. I would just get DH to text his brother and leave it there.

Please, please don’t do this - as someone who took three years to conceive (by IVF) I can tell you that hearing news like this in person is utterly heartbreaking. All you want to do is hide away and cry. My BIL and SIL did this to us and DH actually took it even worse than I did, he could barely look at them. Even worse that they already had kids and the new baby was unplanned. It was utterly horrendous.

My suggestion would be for your DH to ring his brother or, better still, send a text message.

If she confided to you that she cried when her friend told her via face time I would text, tell her that you know because of that she might find it difficult. Acknowledge that you understand she may find it hard.
I imagine it’s really difficult when someone excitedly tells you their pregnant when you’ve been struggling to get pregnant and then you have to show excitement over it, when on the inside - although of course you are happy for your friend or family member - it still really hurts.

I didn’t struggle with infertility but I did have a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I friend who didn’t know about it told me about a month later she was pregnant - and her due date was the same month I would have been due. So that hit me hard, of course I was happy for her, but in that moment I just wanted to cry but had to pretend to be really excited for her.

I think that’s the hard part - pretending to be happy and feeling bad for not being able to be as excited for someone as you should. So by acknowledging how she will feel you take that pressure off which I think would help.

Hi OP
Did they know you were trying?
If not, I'd mention first that you've been trying to conceive (don't really need to mention for how long if you can avoid it) and that you are due to test in a few days.

I had a very similar situation with a close family member, who has been TTC for 6 years, and I think the message to say we were trying gave them a couple of days to get their head around that bit.
I then called a few days later to confirm the test was positive.
I know for a fact family member was upset for a few days (they didn't tell anyone this, but was quieter than usual regarding texting) but then after they had time to process and go through the emotions, I can honestly say they've been so supportive and happy for us.
Just an idea.

Congratulations

For me, I would have wondered why someone had called me when they could have messaged and let me have my own reaction.

I really wouldn’t call or speak in person OP. A message is absolutely the best call.

I think a text message is the best way as it gives them a chance to process their feelings privately, then decide if they are ready to be involved or not. They can let their feelings out to each other. Whereas if it was face to face they may feel more 'pressured' to react in a certain way.

Also just a little tip - please don't say you conceived on first month of trying either, as that can be particularly painful to hear for those struggling with infertility. It makes it wish their experience could have been the same. I specifically remember people saying 'apparently it's true that all it take is one go!'. 🙈

It's lovely that you are so considerate of their feelings OP - having previously experienced infertility myself I can sadly confirm that not everyone is thoughtful like that. I hope your pregnancy goes well. 💐💗

That's a shitty thing to do, making it seem so effortless for you to fall pregnant - have you not got a scrap of empathy for someone struggling to conceive? Why would you rub your easy fertility in their face?!

Congratulations 💐

Please please please do not tell them in person. I cannot put into words how difficult this could be for them. A text message will allow them to respond without feeling the pressure of needing to be all fake smiles for you. In my experience they won't want your baby, they will just feel sad that someone else so very easily gets to start their own family, while they are still waiting.

FWIW my DH's B and SIL told DH via text and it was the time we were being referred for IVF. What made it difficult is that they fell out with my DH later in the year because he wasn't "showing enough interest" in becoming an uncle, and was too busy spending his time supporting me through IVF /IVF not working. I'm pregnant now after a 2nd full cycle of IVF and IVF miscarriage. I've never forgotten how they behaved to DH during the absolute worst time of our lives. I am completely polite and act normally around them, but it still breaks my heart to know DH was receiving such unkind text messages while he and I were in such devastation.

Sensitivity and kindness go a long way in this scenario, as will letting them take the lead on whether they need any time to prepare themselves for how to act around you.

The fact that you want to get it right is a really lovely sign of how much you value them and the time you spend together.

So they'd been trying for six years and not had a baby.

And you messaged them to say you were going to start trying, then within days told them you were pregnant?

Why on earth did you do that? It was salt in the wound as they'd never have needed to know you got pregnant so soon after starting to try.

I'm baffled as to why you think that was better, poor them.

I agree. It sounds like you're patting yourself on the back at your clever little piece of subterfuge, but I can tell you now - it was as transparent as fuck. No way did they not know on receipt of your message, that you were already pregnant, and the 'I'll message in a few days, when we've tested' bullshit would've made them feel worse than telling them candidly and straightforwardly, that you were pregnant.

@Lou1293

congratulations!!

I'd definitely leave it until you're ready to tell others. They don't need more weeks of knowing.

I think in your situation I'd get DH to tell his DB either over the phone or by text, whichever way he thinks is best. Ask him when he will tell SIL (or to text when he has) so that you can text SIL to say, you'd wanted to do it this way so she wasn't put on the spot again, like she was on fb with her friend. Tell her you'd like her to be involved as much as SHE wants to be, but you also want to give her space & not push it on her.

if you live close/usually do stuff together, maybe call her a week later to see if she'd like to do something you usually do.

I'm sort of lost for words at this. Why did you tell them you were trying, and the THREE DAYS later tell them you were pregnant? That's inconceivable (no pun intended).

I cannot imagine telling someone suffering with infertility that in a few days I would be taking a pregnancy test. It's unreal.