Is a surprise worth it?

[CJones11]

I'm pregnant with my second baby. I found out the sex of my first because I was hoping for a boy and had no patience. This time around, I thought I wanted a surprise but I'm finding myself looking for clues on the scan, asking others for their opinion and thinking about finding out during my 20 week scan🙈
What are the benefits of not finding out? How did you feel when your baby was born or was it hard to find neutrals?

For me, no amount of 'organisation' or 'bonding' or whatever beats the magic of that moment when you find out at birth. Unless you've had it, I don't think you fully understand it.

We've always debated finding out, but for me, as much as I haven't minded what we're having, I've always pondered the fact that I could just feel a bit "meh" afterwards, and wish we had waited.

As PPs have said, I've also come across midwives/hospital staff who say they love it when the couple doesn't know .

Why are white ones the only "suitable" ones? I bought nothing white at all, hate white clothes. I didn't know the sex of either child and bought all the brightly coloured animal, dinosaur, spotty and space rocket sleepsuits I liked the look of. Sex of the baby irrelevant.

It’s a surprise whenever you find our and either way it’s never going to be THAT surprising is it?? It’s one of two options.

With DS we didn’t find out (although sonographer made a blunder than backtracked so we had an inkling). Labour was very fast and hectic so the ‘it’s a boy!!’ moment was totally lost in the chaos.

The other 2 times we found out at 20 weeks then had plenty of time to visualise the family we would have, prepare the siblings more tangibly, settle on a name etc!

One of my favorite memories is. My last child where I asked to announce the sex of the baby and I got to say. "We have a baby girl" with ds we knew due to a kidney issue he had and it felt like we missed out on something the day he was born
" It's a boy.. yes we knew..."

I preferred the girls surprise personally. I do t judge others who find out but it's not for me.

As for names you find names you like for both a boy and girl and wait and work it out 🙂

I did with my first but I didn't with my second.

It was hard, especially during a really difficult pregnancy but I'm glad I did it that way.

I found and had a section so that also removed some element of surprise from the whole thing but I found it a massive surprise that they’d lifted a baby out of me. I can’t imagine trying to process the shock of also finding out what it is at that point. We already had his name picked so as soon as I saw him I knew that was him. I wa so impatient though, I physically couldn’t have gone to my bed at night not knowing! The only thing I didn’t ever want was a 3D scan because I just didn’t want it to take away from the first time I saw him. I’d find out with the next, the only way I wouldn’t I think is if I already had one of each so would have everything in for either and it really wouldn’t matter what it was

I found out with both of my two, delighted when I found out DS1 was a boy, I carried different with DS2 and I thought he was possibly a girl, found out another boy, which was lovely. Never had a third, but if I had of done, I would have found out again.

We had two surprises and loved it. It felt our birth announcements were more exciting too as everyone wanted to know what we had.

I had a surprise with my third baby and it was the most glorious feeling ever I screamed with joy

I found out at 16 weeks and I'm glad I did, it has made me feel more connected to the pregnancy and I like calling him 'him' and 'he' instead of it or just the baby. It feels more real.

I don't consider it much of a surprise because there's only two outcomes, boy or girl. I also don't like surprises anyway.

I really don’t understand how people feel they can’t bond or connect with a baby without knowing the sex.

We found out both times (both boys), it was really important to me that if someone was going to be disappointed they had time to get over it before the baby was there! As long as no one has a preference I would say a surprise is fine.

There's plenty of white and very pale newborn sized clothes - you can shop for larger clothes once they are born. I was in asda within 24 hours with dd buying smaller clothes as she was only 6lb and the things I bought were too big.

A lot of people have said it's quite common to feel that way on your second regardless.
For me, personally, I felt more connected to my son as I was able to refer to him as 'he' and I was able to envisage my life with him a little sooner. This time around, calling the baby 'it' and not knowing, as well as having a 4 year old, does make me feel disconnected at the moment. I'm not saying that won't change.

It's not a personal comment that all people who don't find out feel that way. People are just sharing THEIR experiences.

Thank you for all the comments. Some mixed responses.

I have to say I loved finding out with my son. It was really personal as we booked a private scan. My 20 week scan was horrific and the sonographer was rude so I'm glad we knew before hand.

With clothing, I'm not one to put blue on boys and pink on girls. My sons favourite colours are black and pink and the clothes I've kept from him I'd put on the next regardless. I have however seen limited gender neutral clothing in supermarkets. For instance, there is always a huge section of frilly pink and pastel outfits for girls and then the boys section is usually quite drab with dark greys or navy. The 'whites' are tucked back in the corner with about 4 options.. even the yellows and greens are leaving towards one gender.

We've decided not to find out on the 20 week scan. If we do decide to know, we'll book another private afterwards and take our son to find out together😊

I was really surprised at the number of comments I had from people, when I said I wanted gender to be a surprise, about how I wouldn't know what colours to get them... Nearly always followed up with "I suppose you can get neutral things". Well it's only you that doesn't see blue/pink etc as neutral! Honestly if it's a boy I'll get him some frilly pink things just to irritate my archaic homophobic MIL... When they're old enough to choose what they like they can choose whatever they want and I'll be most annoyed at anyone that tries to tell them what's right/wrong for their gender.

Reframe your thinking. It’s still a surprise whether you find out now or at birth!

@thebloodycatwontstopmeowing you’ve misread my post. I made the exact same point as you; I didn’t need to know the sex to bond with my babies…
my post said I was confused by people who said they need to know the sex in order to bond…

@thebloodycatwontstopmeowing don’t worry! I’ve had 3 surprises; best thing ever!

Agree with a PP it's still a surprise whether now or at birth. My first I waited for a surprise and was really looking forward to it. After a really long and physically draining labour I was so out of it when I was handed my son and told don't you want to know what it is? I really was so out of it there was no tadaa moment. I think it really depends on your circumstances whether you'll get that magic moment or not. In retrospect I'd have had that moment more in the scan and would have really connected to him more in a personal way during the pregnancy but at the same time I loved not knowing and always wondering what he was. Just sad I never got that magic moment in the end 😂. So yes waiting doesn't mean you'll get a big surprise, it may just be a one worded nod of relief the baby and you are ok and that's it.

As a by stander to family who often find out what they are having I do feel it makes it a little anticlimactic when the baby announcement is made. The joy of the baby is of course that but that moment of finding out gender is removed. As a parent I can't imagine that being any different knowing or not knowing but as an aunt/uncle/grandparent I think it is.

I felt exactly the same! There are so few surprises left in life. When the doctor said "it's a girl" I literally shrieked and the joy and surprise on my husband's face will stay with me until the day I die.

I also don't understand anyone who thinks you can't bond with your baby if you don't know their sex.

btw OP my consultant said only about 10% of people opt for the surprise...which explains why so many people are shocked when you got for that option.

Ploughing your own furrow 😍