Is a surprise worth it?

[CJones11]

I'm pregnant with my second baby. I found out the sex of my first because I was hoping for a boy and had no patience. This time around, I thought I wanted a surprise but I'm finding myself looking for clues on the scan, asking others for their opinion and thinking about finding out during my 20 week scan🙈
What are the benefits of not finding out? How did you feel when your baby was born or was it hard to find neutrals?

I have 3dc, 2 boys and a girl in that order. I found out on my first because I thought I wanted to know, then decided I wanted the surprise on my second as my first birth had been quite bad and I wanted something unknown/fun/positive to look forward to if (and when it all went wrong again). Third time I definitely didn't want to find out but didn't care either way, she was born prematurely and ended up being quite sick so it was lovely memory when the next weeks were hard, as I could not believe it was a girl.

In terms of clothes I don't like baby pink or baby blue so it didn't make a difference, I don't like neutrals like white or cream either so have always just had loads of colourful things.

I had a surprise for DS1 and found out for DS2 at 22 weeks because I was so impatient.

But then I nearly lost DS2 at 30 weeks and detached emotionally as I was so scared to lose him.

I didn't feel more/less bonded to the baby either way but I loved the surprise of not knowing and finding out once they'd made their way.

I found that friends would ascribe a personality to DS2 before he was born which I struggled with when I wasn't sure he'd arrive safely and I think I tried to protect myself until he was born.

If I had a third, I wouldn't find out at all but it's totally personal preference.

First baby was a surprise. I was adamant I didn't want to know as I had heard so many things about the amazement and joy I would feel when I found out at the birth. I was so out of it by the time the baby was born that I could not have have cared less. It was such an anticlimax!

I found out second time and it was lovely! We went out for tea afterwards and I loved texting everyone the news. I kept having waves of excitement that she was a girl throughout the pregnancy. Was barely conscious when she was born so that would have been another waste of a surprise.

Third baby, found out again and loved knowing. For me the surprise was absolutely worth it, and anyway, I found my children kept surprising me as they grew and changed. Finding out the sex was just the start of it.

Had a surprise with both mine. So worth it.

I loved not knowing and I loved it when my DH told me what we had.

Also, for me, I wanted boys both times. At 20 weeks I wasn't bonded enough with the pregnancy to deal well with having a girl. I knew though that once that baby was in my arms I wouldn't care and I'd just love them. (I have one of each and that's what happened)

As for names, we had a fixed boys name but several girls names picked out. I thought I was set on one girls name but when DD was born she just didn't fit it.

Absolutely NOT worth it!

I’ll never forget my MIL’s face when I showed her a grey onesie I’d bought with fire breathing dragons on it, but she got the hint!

😁

love this. My favourite babygro from the newborn days was mustard with green, red and blue kiwi birds on it. I imagine some eyes were rolled in my family.

Absolutely worth waiting.
That moment when I was told, my stomach flipped in happiness.

Second time I found out by accident after having an amnio, it seemed such an anti climax when dc was born.

I didn't find out with either. It was totally worth it! Such a lovely, unforgettable moment. I had an inkling with DS but I didn't know. With DD I had absolutely convinced myself I was having a boy.

3 DC here; boy, girl, boy. We found out for the first two but not the third as we knew he'd be our last one and thought it would be good to have a surprise. Despite that DH and I were convinced he'd be a boy and we only ever discussed boys names.

We already had a mix of baby clothes from the first two so it didn't matter from that point of view and a lot of them were neutral anyway. I don't think it made any difference in terms of bonding or how I felt when he arrived.

Didn't find out with either of mine. Most of their labours and delivery are hazy memories now, but finding out their sexes? Crystal clear. I kept them in baby grows for their first 3 months (at least), and there's plenty of neutral ones out there. Nothing more adorable than a newborn in a white baby grow.

I guessed right both times.

Didn't find out with any of my 5. It was such a lovely surprise everytime. With all pregnancies I was 11 or 14 days over which made the waiting even longer!

C-section booked tomorrow at 39 weeks - can't believe we've lasted this long without knowing. I didn't want any stereotypes placed on my child before they were born, including my own biases - I always had in mind that I'd like a girl and I definitely had to work through that and realise that the most important thing is to have a happy and healthy baby. (At some point I realised DH would be their dad and therefore if they were a boy, they would probably be raised to be like him i.e. kind, generous, strong in lots of different ways - unlike other men in my family.)

Clothes haven't been a problem, have various white and grey things but loads of bright colours as we've gone with an 'animal' theme (ranging from dinosaurs and whales to tigers and squirrels) for the nursery and applied that to clothes too. Had various people knit for us and the colours range all over - purple, yellow, green, red, orange. Definitely more blue things than pink but still some pink things in there.

DH did say that knowing would make choosing the name easier - as we spent a lot of time arguing discussing this - but have ended up with two or three choices either side, and I want to see the baby's face before actually deciding.

We've been calling the baby 'baby' or 'bebe' (like how Moira from Schitt's Creek says it) and using 'they' for now - once we know obviously we will use 'she' or 'he' etc. I don't think it's affected any 'bonding' (?) I talk to baby and feel my bump all the time, baby also moves when they hear DH's voice, and seems to like (or hate?!) certain songs, so I very much know now they are real and their own person!

Definitely worth it!!!

I didn't find out for either of my DC. Loved the 'it's a girl' moment when she was born! DC 2 I didn't find out mostly because DD was desperate for a sister but I knew she'd be fine with any baby sibling in reality. I didn't want to give her the chance to get upset about it! We had a boy and she adored him as soon as as she saw him.

I knew with both of mine. My first labour was horrendous and I believed that I was going to die at one point (blood pressure dropped incredibly low and they had to squeeze fluid bags into me to get it back up). I was so glad that we’d had our special, calm moment to find out that we were having a boy as there were so
many people in the room when I actually gave birth it was completely impersonal and there was the small matter of trying to stop my blood flow as I haemorrhaged.

With my second, we were under a different (more specialised hospital). The scanning equipment, particularly in the fetal and maternal medicine centre, was amazing. We spotted that we were having a boy at our 20 week scan before they told us! I had lots of extra scans and I was thankful that I didn’t have to go through all of those scans with them trying to hide the sex from me. TBH, I wanted them to concentrate on the real purpose of those extra scans - making sure DS2 was developing ok - rather than spending time making sure we couldn’t see his boy parts!

I didn't find out with both of mine. I wanted to not have preconceived ideas of my babies. If I knew they were girls then the baby stuff we bought would have reflected that. Apparently sexism starts early, ie "isn't he strong, isn't she graceful" etc.

It was magic finding out on the day.

I really really didn't want to know and I'm glad I waited for the surprise.

4 DS's here - I found out with all of them so we could plan ahead with clothes etc!

By the forth scan, I said it's another little boy isn't it

Surprise the first time, surprise this time. It took me til halfway through the thread to understand what “hard to find neutrals” meant – I thought you meant people who were neutral on the subject 😂 A poonami-covered white sleepsuit is a poonami-covered white sleepsuit isn’t it? Whichever flavour this baby comes out it’s getting DD’s hand-me-downs for a long time.

I can’t imagine finding out at a scan – uncomfortable, needing a wee, queue outside waiting for their turn so you’re hustled out – versus the moment when you meet your baby for the first time, warm and wriggly and sticky and gross. It’s a wonderful moment.

@stuntbubbles I wasn’t uncomfortable during any of my scans apart from the 12 week scan when you have to drink lots of water and you can’t find out the sex at that one anyway. I was very comfortable with all of my other scans - and there were lots of them with DS2. 23 week scan with consultant was the best as she put it into 4D and I could see DS2 yawn. Also, when DS1 was born he wasn’t handed to me warm and sticky. He was passed straight to the paediatrician. DH couldn’t cut the cord or even be at the bottom of the bed when DS1 was born. There were three doctors and two midwives in a very small room. Plus one other person and we never worked out who they were. DH still jokes that they were the cleaner.

I knew but was the only one (including DH for DC1) but DC2 and DC3 were surprised. I really liked other people not being able to project their gender expectations at me for all 3 pregnancies. However, despite thinking I didn't care either way, I did struggle with finding out DC3 (who I knew would be my last) being a boy at the same times as having all the post birth hormone changes. If we were to have another, I'd find out but keep it to ourselves again, during pregnancy is a better time to deal with any more difficult emotions!

Oh and I didn't find it hard to find white neutrals, but if you want brightly coloured neutrals, that was a lot harder.

I tried to have a surprise with my last baby but as soon as she put the scanner on me it was very obviously a boy so I didn’t get a chance to look away. So all I would say is if you really want a surprise then look away for the beginning of the scan as well as later on.

You will only need to find two or three white baby grows. You or you DP can have the fun of buying more suitable baby grows once you have given birth.
The surprise is nice to have.

I found out with both of mine but if I was to have another then I'd have a surprise.

I sometimes work in maternity operating theatres and it's the best when the couple don't know what they're having. We make sure everyone knows that it's a surprise and it's like a little secret between us all until the couple find out. I love it.