They're just not involved

[Summertime38]

I'm one of 3 kids. Myself and my other sibling both have 2 kids each ranging from a few months to 4 years.

My brother and his wife are going through IVF after several losses. While I totally understand that it's tough for them they have really cut themselves off from family occasions/ discussions as they said its too hard to be around kids.

I think they're being really selfish as our kids are missing being around their aunt and uncle. I want to say something to them but would like to be sensitive. Any advice?

You don’t understand at all. Advice? Keep out of it. It’s not about your children.

My advice? Don’t.
Just don’t.

You really don’t get it.

Of course your dc aren't missing out!

As someone who has been through IVF, I agree that it’s really tough for people outside the process to know what to say and do. A lot of the things you’d normally do to cheer yourself up actually end up making you feel even more unhappy.

I’d say if it’s got to the point where they don’t even want to see their nephews and nieces, they probably wouldn’t be very good company for the kids if they did come to events. Why would you want your kids to be around people who don’t want to be around them?

They’re probably sensitive and depressed and are feeling awful.

I’d say, just leave them alone for a few months at least. See what happens. If it works out, you will get them back. If it doesn’t, they will have to learn to live with it.

If you push them, it may turn into a row.

To come at this from the standpoint that they are being selfish and that your children are missing out is staggeringly ego centric and devoid of understanding.

Gosh no. You will likely never have them in your life if you try and shame them into contact.

You don't sound like you understand at all. They are taking steps to care for their mental health in a very difficult situation - the priority in their lives is themselves, not your children (quite understandably).

I think you'd be very very unwise to bring this up with them; it's something that could have enormous damage on your relationship with your Brother.

This isn't about you and your children. I doubt it will have any long impact on your kids at all, but just stop and think about the long term impact on them of having multiple failed rounds of IVF and possibly coming to terms with never having a family of their own, whilst also having their own family members complain they aren't thinking about others' kids enough. Have some sympathy.

Have some empathy and give them the space they need.

Is this some sort of reverse?

Christ alive, have you heard yourself?

What would you say?

”We know you’re having a hard time considering the heartbreaking devastating possibility of never being parents. Please put your feelings aside and come play with my small children, who may be an agonising reminder of what you may never have, but my desire for them to have an additional aunt and uncle fuss over them comes first”.

Don’t say anything

You have absolutely no idea how hard it probably is for them have you.

Reverse.

You think THEY are being selfish?

Blimey. Have a word with yourself. Try a bit of empathy.

I came on to say this exact thing

You are the one being selfish...

I've experienced this. I lost my best friend because she is struggling to conceive and I have 2 children.

Whilst I completely understand and try to support her as much as possible, it would be great to have the support when I have been struggling too.

I don't speak to her much now as I can't be myself at all. I want to speak to my friends and be open and honest about my mental health but I can't with her. She met my first child once and has never met my second.

I pray that she gets her baby and all her dreams come true but I also feel hurt and unsupported.

Grow the fuck up.

Yourself are being unreasonable

yes

Please watch Season 3 Bluey episode 'Onesies'. I think it would help you understand your DB and SIL's pain and give them the space they need.

You are extremely selfish.
Leave them well alone.

I think others are being slightly harsh and you maybe haven’t thought about this from their point of view….I think unless you have been through recurring loss and IVF I don’t think you can possibly understand how it must be, which personally I haven’t but I can only imagine how utterly heartbreaking it must be. I think if you put yourself in their shoes and imagine how devastating it must be to see everyone around you having children so easily and you struggling and thinking it may never happen and attending all these family events where everyone else’s families are constantly growing and you are still waiting and hoping for yours to start you can see they aren’t trying to be selfish. Having to force yourself to engage with everyone else’s children when all you dream about is one of your own must be very hard. I can imagine these events are just a harsh reminder of the infertility battle they are facing. I can imagine they have attended multiple events and put on a brave face at each one and are getting tired of it. They are putting their mental health first and avoiding the unnecessary upset where they can. I’m sure your children are very much loved by them and I’m sure they also have plenty of other family members to fuss over them. I’m sure over time perhaps their ivf will work and this will all change or if not they will find it easier to come to terms with not having children and enjoying yours instead but for now I feel you should respect their wishes and be there to support them however they need x