They're just not involved

[Summertime38]

I'm one of 3 kids. Myself and my other sibling both have 2 kids each ranging from a few months to 4 years.

My brother and his wife are going through IVF after several losses. While I totally understand that it's tough for them they have really cut themselves off from family occasions/ discussions as they said its too hard to be around kids.

I think they're being really selfish as our kids are missing being around their aunt and uncle. I want to say something to them but would like to be sensitive. Any advice?

I like to keep it positive normally, but I think the heat is making me grumpy.

To even begin to think about insinuating that you know what they're going through because you and your husband took a year to conceive is easily the most staggering thing I've read all day. Do you actually know anything about IVF?

If the op is anything like as sensitive as she’s coming across here in real life, it’s no wonder they have distanced themselves.

Op why don’t you find the infertility board and have a read around there? Maybe you’re not being intentionally upsetting and offensive but some of the things you’re saying are really not nice.

You absolutely do not understand their pov. A year is a perfectly normal healthy period of time to fall pregnant. In the nicest possible way OP this isn’t about you. It’s about them and their journey. Infertility is all consuming, it takes up every space in your mind, it’s lonely, isolating and people who’ve not experienced just don’t understand. They often say unhelpful things like ‘it’ll happen when it happens’, ‘just relax’, ‘have you tried…’, they believe they’re helping but all these things make you want to hide out. Please be kind to them, let them know your door is open when they’re ready and don’t pressure them into situations that clearly make them sad.

On the basis of remarks like this:

"Myself and hubby struggled to get pregnant for a year before we had our DD so I know what they're going through in some respect"

You haven't got a clue what they're going through. You really do not, and worse, you do not appear to even want to understand. You've called them "selfish?" Just.....wow.

I suspect you're one of those people who says to couples with fertility issues 'just relax, take a holiday, it'll happen eventually"

Myself and hubby struggled to get pregnant for a year before we had our DD so I know what they're going through in some respect.

No, you don't.

Look at this scenario - how would you feel if, God forbid, your husband or one of your children died tomorrow. And you bumped into a friend while out shopping. And they said, "I know how you feel, my dog, cat, budgie, hamster, (whatever) died last week......"

Now do you get it?

a year is normal!

you absolutely do not understand and they are clearly doing the right thing to stay away from you if this is genuinely what you think.

At the risk of being report for troll hunting… I’m calling this a blatant troll. Surely no one is this much of an arsehole. And plus, they posted it in the pregnancy section.

You obviously don't get it. So just keep the talking to a minimum. If you must say something just say "we'll miss you,but we understand and will be here for you whenever you need us. Take your time".

Did you even know that for some infertile couples(and especially women) being around kids can cause actual physical pain? Like being punched in the gut over and over again. That's without the stress,worry,depression,heartbreak, injections, tests,exams , meds and everything else.

A year is an average time for women to get pregnant so I don't think you do understand what they are going through

Thanks for all your messages. I honestly didn't understand how hard it was especially going through IVF.

I'll not say anything. I just miss them in our lives. But if it means supporting from a distance I'll do that

I just miss them in our lives. But if it means supporting from a distance I'll do that

OP this is exactly the sort of this you should say to them. ❤️

Leave. Them. Alone.
Nobody is ever under any obligation to go to "family events" (whatever they are - sound ghastly).

It's not for you to tell anyone how involved or uninvolved they need to be with something.

It's simply not your place to do so.

You're also clearly not understanding how hard this is for them.

Any advice?

Try not to be selfish and inconsiderate.

No you don't. You got your DC, they didn't.

I would also suggest meeting up for an adults/sibling meal/day out without the children so they know you are there to support them rather than all family events being about the kids now (because that’s what happens when people have kids understandably) which they find difficult. It’s not that they don’t want to be part of the family and would prefer to miss out on things, It’s much more than that.

I had losses and IVF and it is so hard. I'd force myself to see my niece, then go home and cry. Don't foist that on anyone.

I think calling them selfish is a really harsh and self centric way of viewing it. It's sad that they're missing out on a relationship, yes, but it's not selfish, they don't owe your kids a relationship.

@Summertime38
You say you struggled for a year before you had your daughter, but it takes a healthy couple up to a year or more to conceive so you never really struggled in the grand scheme of things, she has not only struggled she has had losses to go with her struggles.

I have had 4 miscarriages and it wss the worst darkest thing I have ever went through, I cut everyone out hated seeing babies and pregnant women, so she really is not thinking off you and your kids she is protecting her mental health and rightly so, hope the ivf work for them and they get there happy ever after.

You are the one who is being incredibly selfish here. HTH.

With all due respect, you don't know what they're going through.

As pp have said, just say that.
Just be gentle and really try to be understanding.

This is your first post on MN. Have a look at the infertility boards. Seriously.