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Original poster

They're just not involved

77 replies

Summertime38 · 11/07/2022 13:29

I'm one of 3 kids. Myself and my other sibling both have 2 kids each ranging from a few months to 4 years.

My brother and his wife are going through IVF after several losses. While I totally understand that it's tough for them they have really cut themselves off from family occasions/ discussions as they said its too hard to be around kids.

I think they're being really selfish as our kids are missing being around their aunt and uncle. I want to say something to them but would like to be sensitive. Any advice?

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 11/07/2022 14:10

Also, what exactly do you want from your brother and his wife?

Given how selfish you seem to be, it's likely that it's not just a bit of fussing over your children that you want - it's probably fawning over them, entertaining them babysitting, presents etcetera.

EL8888 · 11/07/2022 14:14

It’s not all about you and your children, sorry to break this terrible news to you but it’s not. Could you at least show some compassion to your brother and his wife? Im guessing you’re the easily fertile type who just blasts children out left, right and everywhere. Not point in trying to say something sensitive as you don’t seem capable of that

I hope this is a reverse?!

Original poster
Summertime38 · 11/07/2022 14:16

I didn't mean to sound insensitive. I was looking to how best support them while remaining part of our family events

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 11/07/2022 14:18

Summertime38 · 11/07/2022 14:16

I didn't mean to sound insensitive. I was looking to how best support them while remaining part of our family events

So that was why you wrote I think they're being really selfish as our kids are missing being around their aunt and uncle.

So supportive.

Raindancer411 · 11/07/2022 14:23

Just leave them be until they are ready and enjoy the family get togethers as they currently are, is the best course.

HundredAcreW00d · 11/07/2022 14:27

I think they're being really selfish as our kids are missing being around their aunt and uncle

why do your childrens potential feelings trump those of their aunt and uncle? The children have other family members to dote on them and dont know what theyre missing. Let them come round in their own time and put them first.

hermionegranger · 11/07/2022 14:36

Summertime38 · 11/07/2022 14:16

I didn't mean to sound insensitive. I was looking to how best support them while remaining part of our family events

You support them by not pressuring them to do anything they aren't comfortable doing (like attending any family events where there will be children) and by not emotionally blackmailing them by bringing your children into it at all.

Just offer support in the normal way; offering to help in any way you can, to talk, and through understanding that they may not be able to be around kids that much for this period of their lives.

MrszClaus · 11/07/2022 14:36

Summertime38 · 11/07/2022 14:16

I didn't mean to sound insensitive. I was looking to how best support them while remaining part of our family events

"Whilst remaining part of our family events"

Why is your support conditional on this?! Take a hint from all of the posts by PP, family events are probably not what they need right now. Playing happy families with you your DC whilst desperately struggling with their own fertility battle? Not a chance. I don't think PP are being harsh, I think your OP is staggeringly unsympathetic and selfish, imo you need to hear that bluntly.

Your DC are your priority - not theirs. Being "aunt and uncle" is not their main role in life. Leave them be, unless you're going to be more supportive than you're coming across here. This is coming from someone if their situation.

yesitssea · 11/07/2022 14:54

I have to say I'm on the fence for this.

Yes we all get shit from time to time in our lives. When we had fertility issues yes we were devastated but that would never make us not want to see our nephews.

I find it strange when people take this attitude 'if I can't have kids I don't want to enjoy any other relatives children'

That said it might not even be about fertility. Maybe they just don't want to hang out? Z

Doidontimmm · 11/07/2022 14:55

You still don’t get it. They have been honest with you. Leave them be right now.

hopefulsunshine11 · 11/07/2022 14:58

You are the one being selfish, you have no idea how they are feeling whilst some of us do! Leave them alone and give them the space they need.

PurpleDaisies · 11/07/2022 15:00

I find it strange when people take this attitude 'if I can't have kids I don't want to enjoy any other relatives children

You think that they have chosen this “attitude”? It isn’t that they just find it too upsetting right now given all they’ve been through?

Wouldloveanother · 11/07/2022 15:05

user237363826 · 11/07/2022 13:49

I've experienced this. I lost my best friend because she is struggling to conceive and I have 2 children.

Whilst I completely understand and try to support her as much as possible, it would be great to have the support when I have been struggling too.

I don't speak to her much now as I can't be myself at all. I want to speak to my friends and be open and honest about my mental health but I can't with her. She met my first child once and has never met my second.

I pray that she gets her baby and all her dreams come true but I also feel hurt and unsupported.

I don’t think that’s fair to be honest.

She’s probably in a very dark place and has little capacity for herself, let alone ‘supporting’ other people.

Op, say nothing. Your kids ‘missing out’ on an aunty/uncle relationship is so much more minor than the pain of infertility will be to them. Sorry if that sounds blunt but it’s true.

miltonj · 11/07/2022 15:09

I agree OP. Whilst it must be hard and devastating thing to go through, I don't believe the answer is cutting themselves off from family. Life goes on whilst we work through the hand that we've been given and it's important to engage in life, not just wait until everything is rosy again and tune back in. I think its especially unfair on kids who already existed pre other persons loss. Your kids are people in their own right, they are not the babies that Brother and Sil lost.

However, I don't think there's a way to say any of that, when they're in that frame of mind, perhaps they need to slowly get there themselves. Or perhaps the only thing that will get them back in your lives will be having a successful pregnancy, which I get is somewhat hurtful. I'd just keep inviting them to things but don't put the emphasis on your kids. Eg, BBQ, kids running around playing in the background whilst adults talk non baby related stuff, etc. Navigating this stuff is hard and people calling you self centred are unjustified.

Merryclaire · 11/07/2022 15:21

I think calling them selfish was a mistake here! I can understand you being sad about the situation, but they are not being selfish.

They just need time and understanding, and to know that the door is open when they are ready.

I doubt the kids are missing out anyway - I live too far from my nieces and nephews to see them regularly, and they couldn’t give two hoots! It’s me that misses them - they already have lots of people fussing over them.

Original poster
Summertime38 · 11/07/2022 16:12

I didn't mean to offend anyone. Myself and hubby struggled to get pregnant for a year before we had our DD so I know what they're going through in some respect.

If there's a recommendation on what I could say to them please tell. Thanks

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2022 16:19

You really don’t. Loads of people ttc for a year and it’s not the same thing as dealing with IVF which has very low rates of success.

You’ve had plenty of advice not to discuss this with them at all.

MrszClaus · 11/07/2022 16:22

Summertime38 · 11/07/2022 16:12

I didn't mean to offend anyone. Myself and hubby struggled to get pregnant for a year before we had our DD so I know what they're going through in some respect.

If there's a recommendation on what I could say to them please tell. Thanks

I'm not trying to be a dick - you really don't. A year is within a totally normal timeframe to get pregnant depending on age, it's not the same as multiple years / losses / IVF. If a friend of mine said "oh I understand what you're going through it took me 12 months to conceive" and they genuinely meant it, id probably not talk to them again.

There's no way to approach this from your angle gently, especially with the inherent bias from your point of view (which is totally normal and we all have!). I think you just shouldn't broach the conversation. Continue to invite them to things if you wish, but I don't think you need to have a big talk with them about how understanding you are etc etc.

EL8888 · 11/07/2022 16:24

@yesitssea l doubt they are choosing, they are finding the interactions hard and upsetting at this time. It’s hard having something rubbed that you may never ever get. Plus most of the time you have tried harder than everyone else to get it

@AnneLovesGilbert well, quite. A year isn’t that long at all. My understanding is in most areas of the UK that wouldn’t even be classed as an issue or entitled to IVF under the NHS etc

User354354 · 11/07/2022 16:25

You are being a horrible selfish twat. Leave them alone.

PurpleDaisies · 11/07/2022 16:30

I didn't mean to offend anyone. Myself and hubby struggled to get pregnant for a year before we had our DD so I know what they're going through in some respect.

This is a joke, right? During that year you had multiple losses, IVF and faced the serious prospect of never having children? With respect, you don’t know.

If you are going to say anything to them, say you miss seeing them and you’re happy to meet without kids if that’s better for them while things are so hard.

Mally100 · 11/07/2022 16:32

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2022 16:19

You really don’t. Loads of people ttc for a year and it’s not the same thing as dealing with IVF which has very low rates of success.

You’ve had plenty of advice not to discuss this with them at all.

Exactly! And don't backtrack, you clearly meant they were selfish. That is horribly vile of you. You are being told to leave them alone but you insist on wanting to say something to them? Why, do you feel the need to rub it in?

gogogadgetgo · 11/07/2022 16:33

For a normal person with empathy I might have some better advice.

But for someone who calls their brother and partner 'selfish' for finding it traumatic going through ivf I've got nothing.

I hope the rest of your family are more supportive.

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/07/2022 16:37

Say this: “I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through. Take all the time you need. We really miss you but realise you need your space. We’ll be here when you’re ready to spend time with us all again. Let me know how we can best support you.”

(Shocking you referred to them as selfish. Really fucking shocking).

seven201 · 11/07/2022 16:39

Summertime38 · 11/07/2022 16:12

I didn't mean to offend anyone. Myself and hubby struggled to get pregnant for a year before we had our DD so I know what they're going through in some respect.

If there's a recommendation on what I could say to them please tell. Thanks

No, that is NOT the same in any way. One year ttc, with respect, is nothing. I have secondary infertility, so even I don't know, despite trying for dc2 4 1/2 years, with 6 failed ivfs, 4 miscarriages and 2 gynae surgeries. I'm pretty fucked up by it and sometimes I don't want to be around babies.

All you say when they say they're not attending is "sorry you can't make it, we'll miss you". You could perhaps suggest a separate adult only event eg siblings meal out and don't bring up the ivf unless he/they do.

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