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Pregnancy

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Original poster

How do I tell my best friend she won’t be godmother?

95 replies

MJW1999 · 18/03/2022 11:54

So basically my best friend of around 4 years has been telling me since I told her I was pregnant that she’s been looking at baby clothes for “my godchild” and that she can’t wait to meet her godchild etc I’ve made little comments like we’re not getting baby christened or I’ve not decided yet but since I told her we’re having a little girl she’s now started referring to her as her goddaughter. The problem is I’ve not asked her to be godmother it’s just been assumed she will be. I personally wouldn’t of chose to do a christening but as my DP family is religious and it’s part of their family tradition to have the christening I agreed on the condition I could choose the godfather, DP has decided he’s choosing his Sister for the godmother (we haven’t yet asked these people but they are everything we’d want in godparents as they follow our same values are strong and have supported us throughout all of our struggles including our previous losses)

My issue is how do I tell her she’s not going to be the godmother? How do I say it without causing upset. She’s been told she’ll never have children and has been struggling and TTC for the same amount of time I have 2 1/2 years (I’ve had a lot of miscarriages and she’s never become pregnant) so I am worried that this will be another blow to her already struggling MH.

AIBU that The reason I don’t want her to be godmother is she’s a godmother to a few children already and it makes her feel she has a claim on them. She demands the parents let her see them whenever she sees fit, she complains if they are raising the baby differently to how she would and does say that they’re her godchildren and she has a right to know everything about them and to advise the parents on what they’re doing wrong. She’s already made comments to me like “what do you mean you don’t know if you’re going to breast feed” and “don’t be one of those mums who uses dummy’s like they are sooooo bad for babies” also telling me after I’ve told her my milestones I’ve met that “things can still go wrong” I’m trying to be sensitive towards her feelings but at the same time I also was told I wasn’t keeping her informed when I was being more sensitive.

OP posts:

Cakecakecheese · 18/03/2022 11:58

Who is the godfather? (Apart from Marlon Brando ) Just wondering if you could get away with saying you've gone for family only for godparents.

CPL593H · 18/03/2022 12:03

Unfortunately, I think however you handle it she is going to be unhappy, because she seems (bizarrely) to have appointed herself to the role without being asked. I would rip the plaster off and let her know ASAP what you've said here, that you and your husband have decided he would choose the godmother and you the godfather and that they will be X and Y, once they've accepted of course.

Her general behaviour around existing godchildren sounds unreasonable but more importantly this is your child and only you and your husband should make decisions like this. Ignore the guilt trip and railroading and good luck.

mummyh2016 · 18/03/2022 12:14

I don't suppose you're catholic are you? If so could you get away with saying the church is only allowing godparents that are also christened catholic if she isn't? This may still be a thing, I know it used to be in the past however I know Church of England have scrapped it as I was allowed to be a godparent for a CoE christening although I am christened catholic.

mummyh2016 · 18/03/2022 12:15

Your friend sounds batshit though, I know it's a shame that she can't have children but no way should she tell other people how to parent!

Susu49 · 18/03/2022 12:17

@CPL593H

Completely agree. I'd have more sympathy for her if she didn't sound like a nightmare tbh.

also I accidentally reported this post instead of pressing quote - sorry!

thisplaceisweird · 18/03/2022 12:17

Next time she calls herself godmother say 'you know youre really important to me and (baby) but i should tell you that godmother is going to be DPs sister - if the worst happens, we want our children to still be raised by the family' or something along those lines? That sounds more than reasonable to me.

YellowHpok · 18/03/2022 12:18

She doesn't sound like a very good friend tbh

Campervangirl · 18/03/2022 12:23

@thisplaceisweird

This is perfect

RockinHorseShit · 18/03/2022 12:26

Why not have 2 godmothers ?

We had 2 sets of godparents. 3 godfathers as 1 set re a gay couple.
You can write in a will who you'd want your DCs to go to if anything happened to you & their DF

Original poster

MJW1999 · 18/03/2022 12:27

I’m choosing a family friend who’s like an uncle to me he’s known me since I was 10 and he has always looked after me he taught me to drive, took me on my first night out, always checks up on me, is literally like another dad to me he has come with me to appointments when my DP wasn’t able too and with the pregnancy being high risk I needed emotional support incase, helped me with moving house many times, helped pick me up when I was down, in my younger days has picked me up at 2:30 in the morning because I was scared and drunk after a night out etc all just generally an amazing person who is down to earth makes me and my DP laugh and has protected me like I’m his own child.

OP posts:

WaterBottle123 · 18/03/2022 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

1000yellowdaisies · 18/03/2022 12:31

I do have a level of sympathy with her situation but she still sounds like a bloody nightmare. You don't need the stress of this ruining your enjoyment.
You need to bite the bullet and just say that DPs sister will be godmother.
She might have a hissy fit but she will hopefully recognise that you are choosing a godparent from your immediate family so its not a slight to her or your friendship

HollowTalk · 18/03/2022 12:33

When she talks like that about her godchildren, why don't you pull her up on it and say, "Wow, I'm glad you're not my child's godparent"? If she was otherwise OK I'd say have two godmothers, but as she is, I wouldn't do it.

thebellsesmereldathebells · 18/03/2022 12:33

She sounds like the sort of person who would require a fairly blunt approach.

Just tell her. You've chosen your child's godparents - they are X and Y. She'll still have a relationship with the child as Mum's close friend, but she isn't the godmother. If she comes over all wounded, show surprise and point out that you never promised her anything and it's odd of her to have presumed. Lots of people choose family members as godparents.

Chloemol · 18/03/2022 12:34

Traditionally i thought it was 2 god mother’s, and one godfather for a male child and vice versa for female,

She sounds nuts so even if there were 2 she sounds like she would take over

Just tell her the truth, you are using family member and a long standing family friend who is like an uncle to you. Personally I would text her now, then if she has a strop you don’t need to deal with it

RealRaymondReddington · 18/03/2022 12:35

I'd also just have 2 godmothers. I am unusual though as I have 6 godparents.

Original poster

MJW1999 · 18/03/2022 12:36

@CPL593H

I do feel that she is unreasonable with her current godchildren and that my concern is that it would affect our friendship in future if she were to actually say anything to me about how I’m raising my baby I think I may flip

obviously I understand people offer advice but not to the extent she does it like LO isn’t even here yet and she’s already told me I’m doing things wrong (I had a cup of tea and shock horror it wasn’t decafe) as I left my tea bags in my other bag. She is very judgemental unfortunately and as much as I love her I could see this getting between us if I don’t handle it sensitivity but also not back down as I know with one of her godchildren she made them feel so bad that they ended up making her an extra godparent a couple of weeks before the day.

OP posts:

Sally872 · 18/03/2022 12:37

Just be honest and direct. She has made it awkward by assuming she is Godmother which is very unreasonable.

"We are having xxxxx as Godmother" don't apologise or explain just tell her.

I wouldn't have two Godmothers after the way she acts with other godchildren.

goldfluffyclouds · 18/03/2022 12:41

Whenever you do it is going to cause a problem as she's sounds like that kind of dramatic person... So do it at a time when you have the strength to deal with the fallout. If you feel up to it now I would do it sooner rather than later - I did not know how emotional and sleep deprived I would be - I know not everyone is but if I am ok at the moment I'd probably raise it now before the baby is here.
Unfortunately I don't think there is any way of doing this without it being horrible for a while - how long will probably depend on her...

romdowa · 18/03/2022 12:42

Don't do what I did and had the child christened and said nothing to her about it 🤣 I never realised that the church print the names of children they've christened in their newsletter 🙈🙈

Chatwin · 18/03/2022 12:43

If it wasn't wasn't the batshittery I would say just have her as an extra God parent to appease her.

However I think you might need to accept that either way, your decision might affect your friendship negatively. So make the decision that is best for you and your family. You might find she will try and undermine your parenting regardless.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/03/2022 12:49

YANBU
It must be terrible to be told you cannot have children when you do desperately want them. Her mental health and struggles are not a burden to be put on your baby. Having your sil as godmother is a good plan.

MsPavlichenko · 18/03/2022 12:50

She doesn’t sound like any sort of friend, let alone a best one. I understand that you have sympathy for her situation but you don’t owe her a lifelong interest in your life.

She’s not going to like it regardless of how you say it. Maybe a polite but firm message along the lines of H and I have discussed our plans re Christening and decided plans. You are not going to be a GP. Do not tell her your plans in any circumstances btw. If she kicks off simply repeat and tell her you won’t be discussing it again. And don’t!

She sounds like a CF re all her interference with you and others so I suspect a direct approach is the only one here. If she backs off that’s her choice.

NaomhPadraigin · 18/03/2022 12:54

@Sally872

Just be honest and direct. She has made it awkward by assuming she is Godmother which is very unreasonable.

"We are having xxxxx as Godmother" don't apologise or explain just tell her.

I wouldn't have two Godmothers after the way she acts with other godchildren.

I think this is the way to go, matter of fact like - "DH's sister is godmother, looking forward to celebrating with everyone "

Pebbledashery · 18/03/2022 12:56

Just so you know, you can have more than one set of god parents. My daughter doesn't have her father in her life and none of his family. I have 3 very good friends in my life and they were all made god mothers to her and are on the baptism certificate. You can have one from either side. It's not strict. I'm a catholic also

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