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Original poster

How do I tell my best friend she won’t be godmother?

95 replies

MJW1999 · 18/03/2022 11:54

So basically my best friend of around 4 years has been telling me since I told her I was pregnant that she’s been looking at baby clothes for “my godchild” and that she can’t wait to meet her godchild etc I’ve made little comments like we’re not getting baby christened or I’ve not decided yet but since I told her we’re having a little girl she’s now started referring to her as her goddaughter. The problem is I’ve not asked her to be godmother it’s just been assumed she will be. I personally wouldn’t of chose to do a christening but as my DP family is religious and it’s part of their family tradition to have the christening I agreed on the condition I could choose the godfather, DP has decided he’s choosing his Sister for the godmother (we haven’t yet asked these people but they are everything we’d want in godparents as they follow our same values are strong and have supported us throughout all of our struggles including our previous losses)

My issue is how do I tell her she’s not going to be the godmother? How do I say it without causing upset. She’s been told she’ll never have children and has been struggling and TTC for the same amount of time I have 2 1/2 years (I’ve had a lot of miscarriages and she’s never become pregnant) so I am worried that this will be another blow to her already struggling MH.

AIBU that The reason I don’t want her to be godmother Confused is she’s a godmother to a few children already and it makes her feel she has a claim on them. She demands the parents let her see them whenever she sees fit, she complains if they are raising the baby differently to how she would and does say that they’re her godchildren and she has a right to know everything about them and to advise the parents on what they’re doing wrong. She’s already made comments to me like “what do you mean you don’t know if you’re going to breast feed” and “don’t be one of those mums who uses dummy’s like they are sooooo bad for babies” also telling me after I’ve told her my milestones I’ve met that “things can still go wrong” I’m trying to be sensitive towards her feelings but at the same time I also was told I wasn’t keeping her informed when I was being more sensitive. HmmShock

OP posts:
Euridicefortuna · 18/03/2022 14:44

I feel so terribly sorry for her.I couldn't have a best friend that I didn't trust enough to be Godparent to my child.In all your posts ,I've not seen one positive thing about her,why are you even her friend?Going by your posts she has no positive attributes and her presence in your life doesn't seem to enhance it in anyway.

Alot of Godparents don't stick around, she seems to take her duties seriously although she is persessive and pushes boundaries. You should be honest and tell her the truth;at least she will have a chance to put it right with her existing Godchildren.I don't know if it would hurt her less in the long run to end the relationship.How can you be friends when you think so ill of her?It just seems to be a friendship out of guilt.

girlmom21 · 18/03/2022 14:45

@RockinHorseShit

Why not have 2 godmothers ?

We had 2 sets of godparents. 3 godfathers as 1 set re a gay couple.
You can write in a will who you'd want your DCs to go to if anything happened to you & their DF

She doesn't want her friend as a god mother because she's pretty intense and controlling
Funkyslippers · 18/03/2022 14:47

Bear in mind she might have lots of opinions on your child even if she's not going to be the godmother!

girlmom21 · 18/03/2022 14:49

Aren't godparents supposed to be people you'd trust to bring your child up within the faith?

Does she attend church OP?

IncompleteSenten · 18/03/2022 14:51

She actually sounds insufferable.
What do you love about her?

mrsbitaly · 18/03/2022 14:54

Just because she isn't a godmother it doesn't mean she can't have a significant role in her life. I would just reassure her of this

RockinHorseShit · 18/03/2022 15:01

She doesn't want her friend as a god mother because she's pretty intense and controlling

Fair enough, not wanting her to be GM is perfectly valid without any reason at all.

I had a similar situation with one friend who thought she was first in-line, though not as full on as this. I just ignored it & did my own thing anyway. It didn't cause a fall out then, though ironically I realised after DD was born that this friend was a drain & expected me to baby her... meet her near her home for outings when it was a total pain for me etc, I had to back right off for a lot of years until she realised that I wasn't going to do that anymore. She's always been great at remembering DDs birthday though & we are friends again properly now DD is an adult & my boundaries are better respected

PurpleDaisies · 18/03/2022 15:08

@mrsbitaly

Just because she isn't a godmother it doesn't mean she can't have a significant role in her life. I would just reassure her of this
It sounds like the op doesn’t actually want that though. I would be very wary of even hinting at something like that because of the friend’s past behaviour.
Original poster
MJW1999 · 18/03/2022 15:13

I love her as her. When she isn’t being negative and making comments about babies she’s lovely. When she talks about babies and her struggles but doesn’t say anything against me or people who are pregnant or have a baby she’s lovely. She’s so much fun to be around, she’s the type of friend you can meet with your hair greasy food all over yourself for a cuppa just because you’re bored and she won’t judge. She’s the type of person who would literally do anything to make everyone else happy which is why the way she is regarding children is so worrying as she is so lovely but when it comes to this idk if it’s the pain of the infertility or the fact she’s angry at the world which I completely understand as I was also very angry at the world After loosing so many babies but she is different. Idk how else to Explain it but she’s a different person. She becomes angry and spiteful and controlling. It’s almost like as soon as it’s over she’s lovely again and it’s like it never happened idk how else to explain it it’s like there’s two of her the lovely one and the one who even if we’re talking about something painful she’s still not nasty and then the nasty side where she controls people is opinionated to the extreme and emotionally unstable.

OP posts:
Original poster
MJW1999 · 18/03/2022 15:16

Won’t lie I don’t attend church and I have no interest in doing so really. I have nothing against people who do but I wasn’t brought up around it and in truth don’t really get it all. The godparents we’ve chosen are those who won’t necessarily raise the child in gods way but more in our way and would be there no matter what who are protective and loving, that’s why we’ve chosen them

OP posts:
Migrainesbythedozen · 18/03/2022 15:17

@MJW1999

I love her as her. When she isn’t being negative and making comments about babies she’s lovely. When she talks about babies and her struggles but doesn’t say anything against me or people who are pregnant or have a baby she’s lovely. She’s so much fun to be around, she’s the type of friend you can meet with your hair greasy food all over yourself for a cuppa just because you’re bored and she won’t judge. She’s the type of person who would literally do anything to make everyone else happy which is why the way she is regarding children is so worrying as she is so lovely but when it comes to this idk if it’s the pain of the infertility or the fact she’s angry at the world which I completely understand as I was also very angry at the world After loosing so many babies but she is different. Idk how else to Explain it but she’s a different person. She becomes angry and spiteful and controlling. It’s almost like as soon as it’s over she’s lovely again and it’s like it never happened idk how else to explain it it’s like there’s two of her the lovely one and the one who even if we’re talking about something painful she’s still not nasty and then the nasty side where she controls people is opinionated to the extreme and emotionally unstable.
Then you need to tell her this. If you as her best friend can't, who can?
girlmom21 · 18/03/2022 15:32

Can you just say "oh Mary you won't be godmother. We agreed DP is picking godmother and I'm picking godfather."

whatajuckingfoke · 18/03/2022 15:42

If she wasn't a controlling nightmare I'd just have two godmothers BUT as you don't actually want her to be I think you need to just tell her, sooner rather than later.

"It's going to family only godparents only here Mary, sorry. I wouldn't even bother christening her, but DH wants to die to his family's faith so he's sorting it. Anyway..."

Calphurnia88 · 18/03/2022 15:45

This is a really tough situation OP.

If I were in your position, I would be thinking about what I would be setting myself up for in the future if I gave into my friends demands. As painful as it might be, I think you need to face into this sooner rather than later, and tell her that she isn't going to be a GM. If she asks why, could you perhaps say that the christening is more of a family occasion (you have said you and DH are not particularly religious) and are keeping it low key, including only opting for one GF and GM? Yes you can have more than one GM, but as a friend and a grown adult she should respect your wishes.

If she does keep on at you about this then I would be questioning the friendship (although from what you have said I would have tapped out of the friendship a while ago, she sounds exhausting and judgemental).

ProfessionalWeirdo · 18/03/2022 15:48

OP, does your friend go to church? As far as the church is concerned, the duties of a godparent include ensuring that the godchild is brought up in the Christian faith - and they are required to promise this during the baptism service.

Nekoness · 18/03/2022 17:00

OP, I once recognised a potential tenant applicant shit talking about me on here. I recognised it because we had an email exchange about a particular natural stone surface in the house I was renting and I sent her a link about why you can’t use a certain cleaning product on it (erodes the seal, makes it porous, it then stains the stone and it’s unhygienic) She came on here ranting and painting me to be a tyrannical harpie, landlord from hell, etc. She totally outed herself simply by mentioning how a particular natural stone is cleaned.

Your thread is 100% identifiable and trending.

BluebellsGreenbells · 18/03/2022 17:11

I think it’s a case of short term pain for long term gain - make the call. Saves years of aggravation.

Migrainesbythedozen · 18/03/2022 17:14

@Nekoness The OP has said she doesn't care!!
And the thread is 0% identifiable because it can apply to literally dozens of women talking about their baby's christening.

IncompleteSenten · 18/03/2022 17:49

Right, so "I love my husband for him. He's wonderful when he's not hitting me" sort of love?

Original poster
MJW1999 · 18/03/2022 18:48

Sorry but what does trending mean lol 😂

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