How do I tell my best friend she won’t be godmother?

[MJW1999]

So basically my best friend of around 4 years has been telling me since I told her I was pregnant that she’s been looking at baby clothes for “my godchild” and that she can’t wait to meet her godchild etc I’ve made little comments like we’re not getting baby christened or I’ve not decided yet but since I told her we’re having a little girl she’s now started referring to her as her goddaughter. The problem is I’ve not asked her to be godmother it’s just been assumed she will be. I personally wouldn’t of chose to do a christening but as my DP family is religious and it’s part of their family tradition to have the christening I agreed on the condition I could choose the godfather, DP has decided he’s choosing his Sister for the godmother (we haven’t yet asked these people but they are everything we’d want in godparents as they follow our same values are strong and have supported us throughout all of our struggles including our previous losses)

My issue is how do I tell her she’s not going to be the godmother? How do I say it without causing upset. She’s been told she’ll never have children and has been struggling and TTC for the same amount of time I have 2 1/2 years (I’ve had a lot of miscarriages and she’s never become pregnant) so I am worried that this will be another blow to her already struggling MH.

AIBU that The reason I don’t want her to be godmother is she’s a godmother to a few children already and it makes her feel she has a claim on them. She demands the parents let her see them whenever she sees fit, she complains if they are raising the baby differently to how she would and does say that they’re her godchildren and she has a right to know everything about them and to advise the parents on what they’re doing wrong. She’s already made comments to me like “what do you mean you don’t know if you’re going to breast feed” and “don’t be one of those mums who uses dummy’s like they are sooooo bad for babies” also telling me after I’ve told her my milestones I’ve met that “things can still go wrong” I’m trying to be sensitive towards her feelings but at the same time I also was told I wasn’t keeping her informed when I was being more sensitive.

Thank you everyone for all your advice I’m glad I’m not being over the top with being concerned about her behaviour. I was trying to individually reply to everyone but I’m still fairly new to MN (a long time watcher but never commenter) and am still working out how to use this site I will do it by text and explain that I’m choosing My “uncle” and my partner is choosing his sister. I’ve been very sympathetic towards her struggles, I’ve ignored comments in the past because I knew she was hurting (mc at 13 weeks and told at least I can get pregnant the day after and that I could just try again) it’s horrible as she was literally the best of friends before we both started our fertility journey. I feel she’s in pain and lashing out towards me because I’m so close. I know another woman in our friendship group is also expecting this is her second child and she’s told her that it wasn’t fair. I’ve suggested she gets Councilling and said it really helped me accept my struggles and allow me to be in a more positive mindset and to recover from the emotional wounds and she told me that she wasn’t interested and that it’s different for me (pre pregnancy) as I can get pregnancy just can’t stay pregnant. I know she will try to guilt trip me but I really don’t think I could cope with her feeling she had some form of claim on my child.

We went on a night out a few months before my BFP and she started crying saying how she’s not allowed to have one of her godchildren over night which to me I felt it was reasonable for the parents to say no as she doesn’t have any children doesn’t have anything for them to sleep in and also lives miles away. I told her that I wouldn’t let my child sleep at their godparents house till they were a lot older and only if they said they wanted too and she got funny with me over it (context the child was actually still a baby and only 18 months old) she said but they stay with their grandparents and I said it was different and she honestly said no it isn’t as I’m as important if not more important than them as I was CHOSEN to be part of her life.

I’m not catholic myself and have to have that sorted first I believe before any christening but both chosen god parents are already however unfortunately she is too so can’t use that as an excuse and I do believe she would be christened just to be a godparent as she loves the title.

She has done some really mad things with her current godchildren like take them out and buy them clothes and change their outfits and then return them home in different clothes saying they were a present or getting mad because she’s brought the child clothes and hasn’t had a picture of them wearing the clothes sent to her etc. she’s returned them home later than she said she would she’s fed them when told not to give them food as they are having dinner later or are going somewhere else for food. she also does often say that she thinks a godmother is basically another mum to the child and wants to be involved in choosing their schools nurseries, clothes, nappies etc it’s all very strange…. She has also walked around with babies and not corrected people when they ask if the baby is hers etc

I feel all I’ve done is moan about her but I think the more I’ve thought about it the more unhealthy I realise her relationships are with her godchildren and the more I’m concerned about her MH and actually what type of risk this could be towards my child if she were to take a claim on her what if she didn’t return her when she said she would or were to change her clothes and pretend she’s her daughter makes me uncomfortable, Thank you for all your advice and support I hope I responded to everyone’s comments xx

It seems like there are two different issues.
Firstly, you can have,as many god parents as you like. I was brought up that boys have two male godparents and 1,female, and girls have 2 female abd one male. The Royal family have 8 godparents. If you wanted her as a godparent you could just have 3.

But you just don't want HER as a godparent because you won't like how she might behave. But I dont think her not being a godparent will make her behave differently, though. That's just who she is. By not having her as a GP, she will still be interfering but she'll be upset as well.

@romdowa

Don't do what I did and had the child christened and said nothing to her about it 🤣 I never realised that the church print the names of children they've christened in their newsletter 🙈🙈

Omg 😂😂😂 that’s brilliant I bet that didn’t go down too well oops 🙊

Has she jumped to conclusions that she’s going to be the godmother just because she is for other friends?
I feel for her ttc, it’s a tough journey but she’s been fairly rude to other friends about how they choose to raise their own children.
Don’t let her put you down about any of your decisions!
Either text her and say you’re choosing family members (your godfather is pretty much family after how kindly you described him) for godparents or wait until she next brings it up and say to her.
J wouldn’t apologise for it and if she becomes angry or upset jusg politely explain that you didn’t even speak to her about any of it and it’s a decision between you and your partner.

@mummyh2016

I don't suppose you're catholic are you? If so could you get away with saying the church is only allowing godparents that are also christened catholic if she isn't? This may still be a thing, I know it used to be in the past however I know Church of England have scrapped it as I was allowed to be a godparent for a CoE christening although I am christened catholic.

The Church of England merely requires that a Godparent is Baptised in a Trinitarian faith, which Roman Catholic's are.

Her infertile is a red herring. She just sounds like a nightmare and would have been a nightmare if she’d had a baby.

I agree that you need to be blunt and clear asap that she’s not going to be a godmother. I don’t think not having the title will deter her in her overstepping behaviour though.

Be prepared for a rough time with her and watch out for the “my next friend led me on about being godmother” thread on here. I think she’d be told she’s out of order though!

All those saying just have 2 godmothers - OP doesn't want this friend as a godmother, and I don't blame her, she sounds like a nightmare.

She sounds absolutely batshit and i wouldnt want her around my child to be honest :S

Sorry, I crossposted with you. Do you even like her? You say you love her but you haven't said one positive thing about her and you even worry that she's going to kidnap your child. Maybe she was your best friend but your friendship has run its course?

That sounds like a sensible message to send.

You are a good friend and good to sympathise but recognise that your friend's behaviour around godchildren is not normal. Just keep some firm boundaries and hopefully she gets the help she needs soon.

My understanding is you don't have to become a Catholic for christening just be on board with the child being brought up in Catholic Church. Your MIL will know what is normal in your area but I definitely know couples where only one parent is a Catholic.

@Nicoise

All those saying just have 2 godmothers - OP doesn't want this friend as a godmother, and I don't blame her, she sounds like a nightmare.

But she also says she loves her and she is her best friend. It all sounds very contradictory.

Just say you'vd been over-ruled by your DH as he promised his sister years ago. Always easier to blame somebody else. But she does sound a bit of a pain and very pushy tbh.

she thinks a godmother is basically another mum to the child and wants to be involved in choosing their schools nurseries, clothes, nappies etc...
What???? That just crazy 😲

She is no one I would even want taking care of my child let alone be Godmother.

Why is she even a friend?

Although her behaviour with her other godchildren is obviously inappropriate, I do feel sorry for her. She is clearly clinging to these children and trying to be as involved as possible because she knows it's the only chance she'll have to be in any sort of "parental" role. And it's a real shame, as I wonder if she would behave this way if she were able to have her own children.

That said, it doesn't mean you should let her be a godmother if you're not comfortable. Maybe you could say you're only having "family" as godparents, but she could be Auntie X?

@NeverChange

Why is she even a friend?

I was just about to ask this. She sounds horrible. I wouldn't want to remain friends with her, let alone have her as a godparent to one of my DC.

Your friends sounds like hard work at best, completely insane at worst. Are you sure you want her in your child's life? Or yours?

Send her a text like “Hi, I hope this doesn’t have to be awkward, but I wanted to let you know that we have chosen the godparents, they are family and an old family friend.”

She will go nuts and try to guilt trip you into letting her be an extra godparent. She will try hard for that as she has succeeded at it before. Just keep saying “We have made our decision, we want two godparents and we have chosen them, this isn’t a job you apply for it is our choice and we have made it.”

The way she is acting - changing godchildren’s clothes, feeding them when asked not to, implying they’re hers to strangers - is very very unhealthy, even worrying, and sad. I would not want her having sole supervision of my child! I expect she’ll have a bit of a mental breakdown about it all at some point. But you can’t fix her. All you can do is suggest counselling which you already have done. I kinda want to suggest fostering or adoption but am not sure she’d pass the assessments or be mentally stable enough for the traumatised child.

I’ve had infertility, I know how it breaks you, and I grieve for your friend. But if she desperately wants children that she can’t have, and you are starting a family, the truth is that the friendship is already near dead. It would have to be incredibly strong to survive that situation and the way she is already acting towards you shows me that it is not strong enough to survive this.

I completely understand where people are coming from it does sound like I don’t like her but it’s not the case. @moonbedazzled I lnow it may not sound like it but I love her dearly but I really don’t want her as a godmother. I find her behaviour concerning and I am in truth also really worried about her MH she’s refused all form of support doesn’t attend her Councilling sessions and has gone down the route of taking online fertility drugs which have some awful side effects that are imported and one was even banned in the U.K. for being dangerous. Is it wrong of me to protect my feelings and my daughters but also be worried about her behaviour and want to tell her that she isn’t going to be the godmother as I really do worry that it’s enabling her behaviour if I do (the pretending their her child, the control, and the input she has in child raising) it could potentially cause more harm than good? . I know it won’t stop her overstepping the line but at least if she’s not got the title maybe she’ll feel she’ll have less of a claim to her, It’s hard as when we talk about anything else she is amazing. When we spend time together she is brilliant but when we talk about babies (always her who starts this conversation) she becomes negative and really quite rude towards me but it’s not just with me it’s with everyone. I really do feel she’s taking her frustrations in life out on those closest to her I know her partner is friends with my partner and he doesn’t even entertain it anymore which is very sad and obviously isolating for her. What does crossposting mean lol 😂 sorry I’m not very clued up on MN phrases. It wouldn’t shock me if she did post about me on here tbh but at least I’m going to try to do it in a way that’s sensitive and also firm so she doesn’t get too hurt… hopefully

Are you sure you don't want to ask MN to take this thread down, I've read all your comments and it's incredibly outing.

I just got blocked 🤣🤣 I'd a very sick baby and my friend was the exact same as yours had presumed that she would be god mother, I had never asked her. I couldn't deal with her at the time so I just never said anything and scheduled it behind her back. I'm hindsight I was quite unkind to do that but she was annoying the life out of me wanting to basically be a second mother to my child and I just hadn't the head space

She’s insane and bizarre to just assume outright that she is a godmother!

@RockinHorseShit

Why not have 2 godmothers ?

We had 2 sets of godparents. 3 godfathers as 1 set re a gay couple.
You can write in a will who you'd want your DCs to go to if anything happened to you & their DF

You can’t will your children. Of course, you can leave your wishes, but they aren’t binding. Decisions are made in the best interests of the children (and their own wishes if if old enough)

Depends what you want. You can have more sets of God Parents. Or not. But you have to set better boundaries with her about your child sooner or later, by the sounds of it My child has none. If I die a group of various friends and relatives (and her, now she’s older) will get to together and decide what to do for the best. There isn’t one obviously right choice for us, like there might be if I had a sister we were close to, and things change, so I wanted something flexible.

I want to be her friend still and support her through her struggles but I also do think that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink it. We’ve spoken about adoption but she said she couldn’t afford too which I do understand and she was looking into IVF but according to three consultants she’s not able to have this due to her medical issues. I also think in truth she wouldn’t pass the mental health assessment although she is amazing with children she gets very attached and had had to move from the baby room in the nursery she works at because she used to get too attached to specific children and to protect her mental health and her job they moved her to the older childrens room. I worry that she will have a mental breakdown in truth it’s not a case of if it’s when as she’s been like this for the past year and a half. She’s not a godparent to anyone in our specific friendship group and not the one who’s pregnant with a second child’s god parent to her first son but we wasn’t as close with her when she had her first born and that’s why I think she took it so well. This time round they’ve said that they want the same godparents so she isn’t upset either. She assumed She’d be godmother baring in mind I haven’t even mentioned to her that she was a potential let alone ever ask her but I feel she’s almost assumed she will be which is 💩