How do I tell my best friend she won’t be godmother?

[MJW1999]

So basically my best friend of around 4 years has been telling me since I told her I was pregnant that she’s been looking at baby clothes for “my godchild” and that she can’t wait to meet her godchild etc I’ve made little comments like we’re not getting baby christened or I’ve not decided yet but since I told her we’re having a little girl she’s now started referring to her as her goddaughter. The problem is I’ve not asked her to be godmother it’s just been assumed she will be. I personally wouldn’t of chose to do a christening but as my DP family is religious and it’s part of their family tradition to have the christening I agreed on the condition I could choose the godfather, DP has decided he’s choosing his Sister for the godmother (we haven’t yet asked these people but they are everything we’d want in godparents as they follow our same values are strong and have supported us throughout all of our struggles including our previous losses)

My issue is how do I tell her she’s not going to be the godmother? How do I say it without causing upset. She’s been told she’ll never have children and has been struggling and TTC for the same amount of time I have 2 1/2 years (I’ve had a lot of miscarriages and she’s never become pregnant) so I am worried that this will be another blow to her already struggling MH.

AIBU that The reason I don’t want her to be godmother is she’s a godmother to a few children already and it makes her feel she has a claim on them. She demands the parents let her see them whenever she sees fit, she complains if they are raising the baby differently to how she would and does say that they’re her godchildren and she has a right to know everything about them and to advise the parents on what they’re doing wrong. She’s already made comments to me like “what do you mean you don’t know if you’re going to breast feed” and “don’t be one of those mums who uses dummy’s like they are sooooo bad for babies” also telling me after I’ve told her my milestones I’ve met that “things can still go wrong” I’m trying to be sensitive towards her feelings but at the same time I also was told I wasn’t keeping her informed when I was being more sensitive.

@MJW1999

So basically my best friend of around 4 years has been telling me since I told her I was pregnant that she’s been looking at baby clothes for “my godchild” and that she can’t wait to meet her godchild etc I’ve made little comments like we’re not getting baby christened or I’ve not decided yet but since I told her we’re having a little girl she’s now started referring to her as her goddaughter. The problem is I’ve not asked her to be godmother it’s just been assumed she will be. I personally wouldn’t of chose to do a christening but as my DP family is religious and it’s part of their family tradition to have the christening I agreed on the condition I could choose the godfather, DP has decided he’s choosing his Sister for the godmother (we haven’t yet asked these people but they are everything we’d want in godparents as they follow our same values are strong and have supported us throughout all of our struggles including our previous losses)

My issue is how do I tell her she’s not going to be the godmother? How do I say it without causing upset. She’s been told she’ll never have children and has been struggling and TTC for the same amount of time I have 2 1/2 years (I’ve had a lot of miscarriages and she’s never become pregnant) so I am worried that this will be another blow to her already struggling MH.

AIBU that The reason I don’t want her to be godmother is she’s a godmother to a few children already and it makes her feel she has a claim on them. She demands the parents let her see them whenever she sees fit, she complains if they are raising the baby differently to how she would and does say that they’re her godchildren and she has a right to know everything about them and to advise the parents on what they’re doing wrong. She’s already made comments to me like “what do you mean you don’t know if you’re going to breast feed” and “don’t be one of those mums who uses dummy’s like they are sooooo bad for babies” also telling me after I’ve told her my milestones I’ve met that “things can still go wrong” I’m trying to be sensitive towards her feelings but at the same time I also was told I wasn’t keeping her informed when I was being more sensitive.

Well this is incredibly simple.

"well she will be christened as Fred's family want that and we've compromised and I'm choosing a godfather but his sister will be godmother. Yes yes I realise she's already an aunt but they're weird what can I say. Anyway it's not important it's not something I would have done anyway so the role is basically meaningless. Who shall we pick as god dad? Who are you bringing to the christening? What are we having for lunch?"

Just have his sister an your friend. Tradition is two godmother for a girl anyway

@MJW1999

So basically my best friend of around 4 years has been telling me since I told her I was pregnant that she’s been looking at baby clothes for “my godchild” and that she can’t wait to meet her godchild etc I’ve made little comments like we’re not getting baby christened or I’ve not decided yet but since I told her we’re having a little girl she’s now started referring to her as her goddaughter. The problem is I’ve not asked her to be godmother it’s just been assumed she will be. I personally wouldn’t of chose to do a christening but as my DP family is religious and it’s part of their family tradition to have the christening I agreed on the condition I could choose the godfather, DP has decided he’s choosing his Sister for the godmother (we haven’t yet asked these people but they are everything we’d want in godparents as they follow our same values are strong and have supported us throughout all of our struggles including our previous losses)

My issue is how do I tell her she’s not going to be the godmother? How do I say it without causing upset. She’s been told she’ll never have children and has been struggling and TTC for the same amount of time I have 2 1/2 years (I’ve had a lot of miscarriages and she’s never become pregnant) so I am worried that this will be another blow to her already struggling MH.

AIBU that The reason I don’t want her to be godmother is she’s a godmother to a few children already and it makes her feel she has a claim on them. She demands the parents let her see them whenever she sees fit, she complains if they are raising the baby differently to how she would and does say that they’re her godchildren and she has a right to know everything about them and to advise the parents on what they’re doing wrong. She’s already made comments to me like “what do you mean you don’t know if you’re going to breast feed” and “don’t be one of those mums who uses dummy’s like they are sooooo bad for babies” also telling me after I’ve told her my milestones I’ve met that “things can still go wrong” I’m trying to be sensitive towards her feelings but at the same time I also was told I wasn’t keeping her informed when I was being more sensitive.

Sounds like this friendship is going down the pan to be honest. Just stop being friends, you don't get on.

Do not give in! It wouldn't save your friendship - more likely to kill it. Have very firm boundaries for her with baby. Eg no decision making and I'd stretch that to no sole care either. It's a shame, but your own mental wellbeing could suffer if you are not firm. Some of the things she has said to you are appalling, by the way. I think for me I would have taken a few steps back as a result. She's obviously hurting, but she also sounds very selfish. You may not see the lovely person she was again OP.

The real job of a God parent is to encourage and support the child in the belief and practice of the Christian faith, so, unless your BF is intending on fulfilling this role, you could always say that your SIL has been chosen as she is a practising Christian and she's going to do that!
It does sound that she's being a bit "full-on" and as she has none of her own, might be wanting to be Godmother to fill a need for children, in which case, I'd be firm but very gentle when I told her, but you do have to find a way to get her to back off a bit. She will be hurt, but if she is at all reasonable, she'll accept the reason I suggest above. If she becomes unreasonable about it, you may have to reconsider the friendship as I would fear you'd be driven mad and there'd be a big row!

It's a very difficult position for you to be in OP, I'm sorry.

@Pebbledashery

Are you sure you don't want to ask MN to take this thread down, I've read all your comments and it's incredibly outing.

How is it outing? I’ve asked advice not mentioned her name or age or anything that can show who she is. I’ve not mentioned our location where we live or anything too specific. If I have then surely MN will remove the post, I was just seeking advice and guidance and thought MN was a safe space to ask rather than a post on FB where it’s obvious it’s me posting and she’d more than likely see?

@MJW1999 why not just tell her the truth. The truth is always the best option. As a starter, tell her "I am concerned with the way you bully the mothers of your godchildren and you've already started judging me and the baby isn't even here yet. I find you to be really full on with your demanding and judging, and I feel our friendship would be at stake as I would no doubt flip at you. So my choice is not just an honour to my uncle, but a choice to keep our friendship from fracturing due to pressure and judgement from you. I ask you to please respect my decision, as a friend."

Look, OP, I see the results of this 'British' 'be nice, don't say the truth' on here over and over and over and over again. It does no good. The bully/CFer whatever is never told what they are doing wrong, so never change, because they have no reason to change. They DON'T KNOW how they come across, because no one ever tells them. So people let the person carry on and make themselves look bad. When all of it could have been avoided if they'd just been told the truth. Then given the chance to reflect and change how they interact.

If she's your best friend , and you love her dearly, you really need to level with her how her behaviour affects others. If your own best friend can't even be straight with you, then it's not much of a friendship, is it?

You don't owe her the title of Godmother, but you do owe it to her to explain why her behaviour as lost her the title with you. You owe her that much at least, to be honest, so she can reflect and hopefully have an epiphany or at least lower the tone of her behaviour a few notches. Wouldn't you want your best friend to be able to know the truth, change, and be her best self? Would you stand by and watch her treat people badly thus be ostacised? If so, you're not a real true friend. True friends are brutally honest. That's the 'best friend' job description. And if you care about her at all, you'd want her to know the reality and impact of her behaviour so she has a chance to adjust/redeem herself.

Traditionally a female baby has 2 Godmothers and 1 Godfather. A male baby has 2 Godfathers and 1 Godmother. I have 3 Godson's and I am their only Godmother. I have no Goddaughters. I think you told your friend she could not be a Godmother because baby not to be Christened now baby will be christened she obviously thinks you have changed your mind and now she can be a Godmother. Really some people have extra Godparents, it is not really a big thing to have the traditional number. I know at least 3 families with an extra one. If your friend will love and be kind to your baby and has none of her own, maybe that is how she thinks she will bond with your baby. If she makes inappropriate comments on dummies etc you can always say you and DH will decide.

Just tell her child is not going to be christened.

@Pebbledashery

Are you sure you don't want to ask MN to take this thread down, I've read all your comments and it's incredibly outing.

Are you on glue @Pebbledashery ? Nothing in her thread is even remotely outing. If this thread is outing, then every thread on this site is and there would be no reason for this site to exist. The OP posted as she wanted advice.

NO i am not on glue thanks very much. You are very rude.

Just be up-front. "Susan, you've mentioned the godmother joke so often now it's getting rather embarrassing. The bottom line is you aren't going to be Tulip's godmother.. DH chose blood family godparents and it's all been arranged."

Her behaviour would annoy the hell out of me. Don’t feel bad about it.

@caringcarer

Traditionally a female baby has 2 Godmothers and 1 Godfather. A male baby has 2 Godfathers and 1 Godmother. I have 3 Godson's and I am their only Godmother. I have no Goddaughters. I think you told your friend she could not be a Godmother because baby not to be Christened now baby will be christened she obviously thinks you have changed your mind and now she can be a Godmother. Really some people have extra Godparents, it is not really a big thing to have the traditional number. I know at least 3 families with an extra one. If your friend will love and be kind to your baby and has none of her own, maybe that is how she thinks she will bond with your baby. If she makes inappropriate comments on dummies etc you can always say you and DH will decide.

@caringcarer please read all of the OP's posts. Her friend is Godmother to a few other children already, and bullies their mother and demands to see the children and have 50% input into their lives. OPs posts show exactly why she does not want her friend to be a Godmother to her child at all.

@Pebbledashery

NO i am not on glue thanks very much. You are very rude.

@Pebbledashery Telling an OP she shouldn't have asked for advice and should remove her thread is far ruder.

It is outing. The friend may well be on here as there are active fertility boards. She would recognise this if she has enough self awareness I think - she can't have babies, her friend is pregnant after a long struggle, she's assumed she'll be godmother and already has other godchildren, she was unhappy about not being allowed another god child to stay overnight.

OP may be fine with that, but she's said she's not used to MN or posting online and I think it's reasonable to point that out.

OP, even if you're ok with your friend seeing this, you might want to name change before posting any other threads with personal info if you wouldn't want them linked (your friend or anyone else from RL could search your username and find all your posts).

(And it is true that most threads could be outing, but OP has clearly said she's not used to being on here so I don't think it's unkind to warn her the thread may cause problems in real life if the friend sees it and recognises herself.)

OP, don't ask her to be godmother. Just tell her your SIL is taking that role, but that obviously she'll still have a special place in the baby's life. Then back away slowly!

@MJW1999 - there is a very good chance that the reason she had to leave the baby room at work was because she overstepped boundaries with the babies’ parents. She is actually railroading you with the godmother thing. She has announced this very forcefully despite your protestations and continued to push the issue. She is literally trying to push you into a corner and she’s using guilt to keep you jammed there until you do what she wants. I think her MH is not stable at all.

@JenniferBarkley

It is outing. The friend may well be on here as there are active fertility boards. She would recognise this if she has enough self awareness I think - she can't have babies, her friend is pregnant after a long struggle, she's assumed she'll be godmother and already has other godchildren, she was unhappy about not being allowed another god child to stay overnight.

OP may be fine with that, but she's said she's not used to MN or posting online and I think it's reasonable to point that out.

OP, even if you're ok with your friend seeing this, you might want to name change before posting any other threads with personal info if you wouldn't want them linked (your friend or anyone else from RL could search your username and find all your posts).

If this thread is remotely outing, @JenniferBarkley then every single thread on this site is 'outing' then. And as the OP hasn't even told her friend about the Christening or talking about her bullying behaviour to her, she clearly wouldn't be self aware enough to recognise herself anyway.

OP please ignore these people, don't let them bully you, this thread is in no way outing, not to any rational person.

4 years of a best friend really isn't that long in the great scheme of things

sounds like you are really trying to be considerate of her feelings here - there are some sound opinions here in terms of truthfully communicating this - you know in your heart you don't want her to be a godparent, it's just not happening!

And if the friend recognises herself, that could only be a good thing.

@MJW1999
Cross posting is that you've posted while I was still typing so I hadn't been able to read it. I'm a slow typer - it happens to me all the time. 😄

If I understand, you're saying that she's your best friend because she's lovely in every aspect of your relationship, apart from when it comes to children. But as her best friend aren't you going to be seeing her regularly and as a new mother aren't you going to be talking about your baby? Is it realistic that she has such strong views (she's even lecturing you and the baby's not here yet) and yet she won't express them to you just because she's not a 'godmother'? Do you really think that you will express a view she disagrees with and she'll just shrug her shoulders because she's not a godparent? Because honestly that doesn't sound like a reasonable expectation to me.

To be clear I don't believe that you should have anyone as a godparent if you don't want them to be. Your friend can play just as active a role in your child's life whether godparent or not. But you not making your best friend a godparent will be hurtful to her and I can't see how it will change the behaviour she's displaying with everyone else.

" NO i am not on glue thanks very much. "

😂😂

that sentence just tickled me

Thank you everyone I just want to clarify a few things. My user name isn’t linked to me in anyway it’s actually a random mix of letters and numbers which I don’t use on any other form of social media accounts so unless she found out the user name (I haven’t told her or anyone I’m on MN) then actively searched my name and found all my posts then she shouldn’t tell it’s me. If she does I’ll have to face that battle and I know with anything you post online it’s in the public domain and I could be “outed” IRL however I didn’t know where else to post or ask and I didn’t want to drag IRL friends into this so thought by getting advice from strangers it would help make it less challenging I didn’t want her to get told by a friend that I’ve been asking about how to tell her etc as I thought it would be more damaging. I’ve put specific details in so people can have the full picture I’ve kept any names and places out of it to protect her identity. I’ve already had to have a word with her about her actions by announcing I was pregnant to her friends when I was keeping it on the DL the comments on feeding and dummy’s and clothes etc so I know that she’s excited/interfering already. I don’t think that she is going to be happy however way I say it to her however I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable and also if I was wrong to not want her to be. Obviously to get a full picture of the situation and not get a bias I wanted to ensure that all facts were there. I’m not trying to out her in any way and if she does see this as upsetting as it is maybe it’s a way for her to see her actions aren’t typical and maybe would encourage her to get help I wouldn’t want her to see this but if she did it really can’t be helped. I care about her deeply and don’t want her to be upset but I also want to protect myself and the baby. I won’t be removing the thread as there’s been some very useful and helpful advice on here and I searched before I posted and there wasn’t a thread like this so hopefully if anyone faces a similar experience they can also read this advice and feel overall supported. I appreciate all the comments and feedback. Thank you for explaining what crossposting is.

It does worry me that once baby is here she’ll be hurt if I tell her to stop interfering and I don’t necessarily think it’ll be any different without the GM title but I do think that if she isn’t the GM that she won’t at least have that to use as an excuse for her behaviour. I also know she is a little less pushy with the siblings of her god children who aren’t her god children.