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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

We don't want the same thing *trigger warning*

104 replies

MooseBreath · 27/02/2022 20:39

DH and I currently have one DS, 21 months. I would love to have another child, but DH had horrendous depression (suicidal) after DS was born because of the change in situation. While DH's mental health is more under control now with a lot of medication, he does not want another child for this reason. I have been on the pill since DS was 3 months old. Thing is... I'm pregnant despite having dutifully taken the pill.

DH wants me to have an abortion. He thinks another child will push him over the edge. And I completely see where he is coming from. It was terrifying seeing DH as he was and I don't want him to have to go through that again.

But I don't want an abortion. I want this baby. What do I do?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/02/2022 20:41

What was it that pushed him over the edge, has he ever been able to say?

MichelleScarn · 27/02/2022 20:42

What was the situation change? Did.you have to move or was it the financial aspect?

Original poster
MooseBreath · 27/02/2022 20:51

I think it was the massive life change and responsibility along with financial stress that triggered the horrendous episode of depression.

DH has been diagnosed with treatment-resistant depression for nearly 10 years now and it fluctuates. He has changed medication many times but is now stable. But the worst it's ever been was the first few months after DS was born.

OP posts:
Somerandomgirl · 27/02/2022 21:25

But having children is such happiness... and second one wont change life that much IF its about money and material stuff?
I understand its loce keeping couples together but if family fir someone is such negative expirience they should just be alone.. cause what on earth... :( sacrafice your own happiness cause he cant find his... if this makes him suicidal my god in the face of problems?......

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2022 21:28

It’s not such happiness for loads of people. Spend a day on here and you’ll see how many parents find it extremely difficult, even with planned children.

OP, you’re in a horrible position, sympathies.

GeneLovesJezebel · 27/02/2022 21:28

You want this baby, so you keep it.
Don’t allow yourself to potentially end up with MH problems because you are forced to do something you don’t want.
If he doesn’t want any more children he should have a vasectomy.

PurplePansy05 · 27/02/2022 21:31

Assuming your pregnancy goes well you have a while until baby arrives. Can you and DH put measures in place gradually in preparation for the new arrival? You've done this once, you know what to expect, you can narrow down the triggers and eliminate/manage them in advance to make this manageable for your DH. Can he seek support from his MH team/private therapist from now too?

TheBeesKnee · 27/02/2022 21:32

DH wants me to have an abortion. He thinks another child will push him over the edge.

I'm sorry, is he threatening to commit suicide if you don't get an abortion?

I think this is beyond the average MNetter to help with if his depression is that severe.

I think you probably need to have a good long think about what you want your life to look like next year, in 5 years, 10 years etc. Will you always have to plan your life around your partner's mental health?

PurplePansy05 · 27/02/2022 21:33

But having children is such happiness

It is most of the time, but not so much if the parent is having, for example, serious MH issues. Then it's a massive struggle and this shouldn't be ignored to protect both, OP's husband and baby, and their entire family.

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/02/2022 21:35

Oh @MooseBreath, that is so hard. Does he have a psychiatrist?

Hercisback · 27/02/2022 21:36

You want the baby, so you have the baby.

If that means you end up a single parent, so be it.

I appreciate this is easy to say via a screen, yet an incredibly difficult reality for you.

Wizzbangfizz · 27/02/2022 21:37

This is an incredibly difficult situation and the likelihood is 2 children will be too much for him. Most people struggle with 2 young children. Is there any extra help or support you could bring in to help him/you?

MichelleScarn · 27/02/2022 21:37

Am sorry but I can't believe that he is putting this pressure on you, does he help with your dc at all?

It sounds like the first few months of the last pregnancy you had to really focus on him too, how well does he parent now?
Did he recognise things would be hard and challenging for you too?

Albgo · 27/02/2022 21:39

@TheBeesKnee

DH wants me to have an abortion. He thinks another child will push him over the edge.

I'm sorry, is he threatening to commit suicide if you don't get an abortion?

I think this is beyond the average MNetter to help with if his depression is that severe.

I think you probably need to have a good long think about what you want your life to look like next year, in 5 years, 10 years etc. Will you always have to plan your life around your partner's mental health?

This. Don't let him manipulate you into an abortion you do not want to have.
PurplePansy05 · 27/02/2022 21:48

Wow, honestly. OP says her DH's condition was so severe he was suicidal. He openly said he doesn't want any more children as he clearly fears he wouldn't cope, which seems justified. No, he can't force abortion on her. But equally she can't force him to have a baby he never wanted and potentially to have another serious depressive episode if not worse.

So the options are, you discuss things thoroughly and if you both agree then you put support and preventative measures in place for him, starting soon. This will help all of you longer term.

Another option is you want the baby, he can't cope and doesn't and you go separate ways. It's obviously splitting up your family and leaving you on your own with two young kids. That's an incredibly difficult situation. Also this could well trigger his depression anyway. And regardless what sort of commitment and support would he offer then, if any? Surely he'd want to be present in your DC1's life, so he'd also have to be present for DC2, how else would this work? Or would you cut him off and have a go on your own? I'm sorry, I don't understand the practical arrangements of this at all.

Third option is you have an abortion but only if you feel this is the right decision, which you don't seem to think. So this is a theoretical option as it stands.

I think some of the responses really oversimplify the difficulty of this situation.

Hercisback · 27/02/2022 21:54

It's a difficult situation but no one should be pressured into an abortion. Her husband using his MH issues to pressure the OP isn't OK. Having an unwanted abortion could trigger a lifetime of mental health issues with the OP.

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/02/2022 21:58

So the options are, you discuss things thoroughly and if you both agree then you put support and preventative measures in place for him, starting soon. This will help all of you longer term.

I would also recommend talking it through with his psychiatrist as well to discuss possible changes of medication close to the birth, and a MH support plan.

Lou98 · 27/02/2022 22:00

@Somerandomgirl

But having children is such happiness... and second one wont change life that much IF its about money and material stuff? I understand its loce keeping couples together but if family fir someone is such negative expirience they should just be alone.. cause what on earth... :( sacrafice your own happiness cause he cant find his... if this makes him suicidal my god in the face of problems?......

What an ignorant thing to say.
Nobody knows how they're going to cope with having children before they have them.
Depression isn't something people choose and for a lot of people having kids is something that's much harder than they could have imagined and nobody knows how it will affect their mental health - they aren't just deciding that having kids is a negative thing. You can love your children and still find it a struggle.

OP - if you don't want an abortion then don't get one, it is 100% your choice.
Your Husband has very real concerns and I can completely understand why after what happened after having your first but that doesn't mean it's fair for you to feel pressured in to having an abortion when it's a baby you want.
You do need to prepare though to possibly be doing it alone if your Husband decides he can't stay.

Just out of interest - why hasn't your Husband had the snip if he was adamant that he didn't want anymore?

MichelleScarn · 27/02/2022 22:07

@PurplePansy05

Wow, honestly. OP says her DH's condition was so severe he was suicidal. He openly said he doesn't want any more children as he clearly fears he wouldn't cope, which seems justified. No, he can't force abortion on her. But equally she can't force him to have a baby he never wanted and potentially to have another serious depressive episode if not worse.

So the options are, you discuss things thoroughly and if you both agree then you put support and preventative measures in place for him, starting soon. This will help all of you longer term.

Another option is you want the baby, he can't cope and doesn't and you go separate ways. It's obviously splitting up your family and leaving you on your own with two young kids. That's an incredibly difficult situation. Also this could well trigger his depression anyway. And regardless what sort of commitment and support would he offer then, if any? Surely he'd want to be present in your DC1's life, so he'd also have to be present for DC2, how else would this work? Or would you cut him off and have a go on your own? I'm sorry, I don't understand the practical arrangements of this at all.

Third option is you have an abortion but only if you feel this is the right decision, which you don't seem to think. So this is a theoretical option as it stands.

I think some of the responses really oversimplify the difficulty of this situation.

Wow, honestly... so the dh is totally a poor passive passenger in this? And it would be mean op 'cutting him off' if he decided not to parent. Surely if he was that terrified he should have had a vasectomy?
Somerandomgirl · 27/02/2022 22:17

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MichelleScarn · 27/02/2022 22:20

I agree with you @Somerandomgirl the relationship would be over for me, I couldn't cope with the 'abort or I'll kill myself' threat.

TopCatsTopHat · 27/02/2022 22:21

Have you asked him how his depression will respond to looking at his son and knowing he pushed to abort his sibling? What about when ds is older if he says he'd like a sibling and dh has to sit with the fact he not only blocked that but more... Will his depression and suicidal feelings cope with that?

HollowTalk · 27/02/2022 22:23

Why on earth didn't he get a vasectomy?

Cakelover17 · 27/02/2022 22:24

Surely if he was that terrified he should have had a vasectomy?

I don’t agree with this at all, he’s mentally ill recovering from a severe episode, so getting a life altering medical procedure done at this time wouldn’t have been the smartest thing to do.

OP don’t terminate if it’s not what you want, itl be hard to live with. But of course it could end your relationship (or worse I guess), has he put pressure on since you told him you don’t want a termination? Is he willing to discuss getting himself more help seen as he’s got plenty of time to prepare mentally before the baby arrives this time?

PurplePansy05 · 27/02/2022 22:25

Surely if he was that terrified he should have had a vasectomy?

No, I disagree. It'd be a big step for him and for OP as his wife too. Perhaps they/he wasn't ready to take it, do you know? Maybe he hoped to feel different about having more DCs one day but it hasn't materialised (yet or not at all)? OP didn't mention vasectomy discussions so I'm not making any assumptions. However, they've obviously agreed on the precautions and unfortunately, these failed.