We don't want the same thing *trigger warning*

[MooseBreath]

DH and I currently have one DS, 21 months. I would love to have another child, but DH had horrendous depression (suicidal) after DS was born because of the change in situation. While DH's mental health is more under control now with a lot of medication, he does not want another child for this reason. I have been on the pill since DS was 3 months old. Thing is... I'm pregnant despite having dutifully taken the pill.

DH wants me to have an abortion. He thinks another child will push him over the edge. And I completely see where he is coming from. It was terrifying seeing DH as he was and I don't want him to have to go through that again.

But I don't want an abortion. I want this baby. What do I do?

@PurplePansy05 am so sorry to hear that, I've had loss recently too which is why this thread I really shouldn't have got involved in. To be coldly told I shouldn't "humanise" the child we lost is heart breaking and I really am staggered someone could write that.

As I see it

1. He couldn’t be that terrified of another if he did not get a vasectomy to use condoms, instead he relied solely on you and yes contraception occasionally fails
2. You are in a difficult situation, him saying he couldn’t cope, you saying you don’t want a termination. Either way will cause resentment for someone and your relationship may never recover
3. You need to sit down and sort out further help for him if you want to keep the child, and I think you do , but you have to also accept that he may not wish to seek help

4 I would start preparing to become a single parent, possibly with little input from the father if he can’t cope with having children and all that entails.

Hopefully you have family or good friends in real life you can support you

@PurplePansy05 sorry for your loss my daughter was stillborn and she was very much a perfectly formed baby, who needed to be legally registered and have a funeral because she was a baby. That posters view is wrong

There’s a few issues here.

First and foremost I think the decision is up to the woman - you carry the pregnancy and the choice should be yours. But the situation is horribly difficult. I don’t think speculating on what contraception the DH should have used is helpful- it may have been a joint decision, it may have been his depression making it harder for him to plan, he may have been being stupid, we just don’t know. The OP didn’t sound to me as though he was being manipulative but I do think it’s ok for the man involved in an unplanned pregnancy to say what their feelings are about it and for those to be considered.

I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes OP. Probably keep the pregnancy and try to support your husband with his mental health with professional input but be prepared that you may end up parenting alone or taking on a disproportionate amount of the burden if he’s unwell. You need to factor that into your decision.

And for other posters’ benefit depression is an illness, not just not being happy @Somerandomgirl. It won’t be within his control, he can’t suddenly make himself happy - I’m sure if he could he would

Of course a fetus is human. It doesnt belong to another species. Some folk need a biology lesson.

Wow, I didn't expect all of these responses. Thank you. I will try and clarify a few things.

DH has said in the past that he wants a vasectomy. However, because I want another child down the line, we decided mutually that we would wait a few more years before going that permanent route because there may be a medication that comes out that will give him the peace of mind to be able to handle another baby. For that reason, I have been on the pill (like clockwork, as I take it each morning when I wake up). Unfortunately that method didn't work.

DH technically has a psychiatrist, but was discharged about a year ago once he became stable. His medication is now given by his GP who refuses to tamper with the cocktail of medication because it's so much. He hasn't seen the psychiatrist since and it's really difficult to get appointments unless it is a mental health emergency, which at the moment, it is not.

DH is certainly not threatening suicide. He is just aware that if he has another episode, it is very much a worry that he will have suicidal thoughts and in the worst case, act on it (whilst not in control of his actions).

DH is an excellent dad. He took nearly a year to properly bond with DS, but he is now very much involved and loves his little boy to pieces. I do think he would also be a great father to another child as long as his depression doesn't take hold.

I don't know what I should do. I love DH and do not want to leave him, nor do I want to take his son from him. But I don't know if I could respect myself for terminating a pregnancy that I (maybe selfishly) want.

Has he been able to tell you what exactly it was that he felt affected him so much re the change with becoming parents? Was it the physical tasks/sleepless nights? Did he actually do any of these or the things that he said were causing him stress?

Have your baby as they will be a great playmate for your other baby. And kindly leave your husband. You need to do this on your own with the help of your family and friends. Put your children first and let him get better on his own and take any pressure off. Have no expectations. It’s sad but put yourself, your child and your unborn child first.

The responsibility for a helpless baby coupled with constant crying (DS was colicky and never slept more than 45 minutes at a time until he was 6 months old) that DH couldn't soothe was probably the biggest stressor. I did all of the night wakings as I was on maternity leave and DH was working full time as well as dealing with severe depression. I was (through no fault of DH's) a defacto single parent for the majority of the first year.

How would you / he feel about adoption? It could be a middle ground if you feel you can't raise the child together (and don't want to separate) but you don't want to terminate. It's far from ideal but maybe something to think of as an alternate option

I know it's not an emergency, yet, but he really needs an appointment. If he can't do it directly he needs to go through the GP so the two of you can discuss a care plan for the pregnancy, birth and postnatal time.

@kagerou seriously?! You'd expect the op to go through pregnancy and all the affects then give her baby away to placate her husband?

@AthenaPopodopolous why on Earth are you advising OP to leave a man she says she loves, doesn’t want to leave and is an excellent dad? Just because he has a mental illness?

It’s clear from this thread that there’s a huge amount of stigma still about, how sad.

@MooseBreath please don’t think you’re selfish for wanting this baby, not at all. Just as DH is allowed his feelings so are you. I hope you can find the right way forward for you and your family.

@Cowardlytiger because he's telling her to have an abortion she doesn't want and blackmailing her that if she doesn't it'll push him over the edge, sounds a great guy.

Adoption is not an option. I have the utmost respect for women who carry to term and give their baby to those desperate to be parents. I am not someone who could do this.

I think booking an emergency appointment with DH's psychiatrist may be the way forward here. Perhaps a medical professional could better explain our options for DH's medical care if we follow through with the pregnancy. We're currently at a stalemate otherwise.

I would like to reiterate for some posters though, that DH is in no way forcing me to get an abortion or threatening suicide. I am not being abused by DH.

@kagerou
Someone always suggests having the baby and adopting it out on these threads but that’s a vanishingly rare choice that women make in the UK. It’s not something I’d ever consider doing.

@MichelleScarn OP has explicitly said that’s not what’s happening.

He is worried that he’ll become very unwell again as he did with the previous baby. That’s a risk. Not his fault. The pregnancy wasn’t planned. They’d decided jointly against vasectomy.

I absolutely don’t think OP should have a termination she doesn’t want but neither do I think her DH sounds a terrible person and I suspect posters saying that are not helping her.

Apologies @MooseBreath I've obviously picked it up very very wrong.

OP in your situation there’s no way I’d abort. I might not tell him that too brutally if I thought it would make things worse, but an abortion of a baby I wanted to have just would not be happening.

Keep your baby, leave your H.

I’m sorry - it seems like the only way.

@MooseBreath going back to mental health team to ask about additional support sounds an excellent idea, call consultants secretary and ask for an appointment and also encourage OH to see GP who can refer him back in as well.

Good luck

@Migrainesbythedozen No the baby does not exist yet.

I lost 2 babies during pregnancy. How dare you minimise that loss by saying they didn’t exist.

OP you need to consider your own wishes and MH as well as your DH’s. But at the end of the day - your body, your choice.

@Cakelover17 & @MichelleSarn just here to say thank you and send you these too

@MooseBreath I really wish I could give you and your DH a hug. Sending a virtual one. Please know that if this was your experience with DS, then it must have been really difficult for both of you. It might happen again, it miggt be even harder for a variety of reasons and you need to be prepared for this. However, there is also a very real likelihood that baby no 2 will not be as challenging - a different human being after all, and you guys have already been through a baptism of fire big time. Can I just say big words of praise and well done to both of you. You've taken on loads and dealt with it. DH crumbled under the weight of his illness but still juggled working full time. You've done this. Look how far you've come. I'm nearly tempted to say you can ride anything out now, but I know too well that a MH struggle is real, serious and unpredictable and that it leads to a huge amount of guilt and self-deprecation when you have a tiny baby at home and you're desperate to enjoy them but your brain (temporarily) defeats you. That helplessness is the worst. It sounds to me like your DH would benefit from seeing a private therapist. From experience, MH services on the NHS are on their knees right now, including perinatal MH which might not even be available to your DH anyway. It's seriously bad atm. I wouldn't think much longer about this and go privately. It costs money, but it's so crucial to your family that it needs to be prioritised.

What Athena said above makes a lot of sense too. A separation might be helpful to everyone if you could make it work in practice. Everyone's needs could be addressed more peacefully, with less pressure, and hopefully you would reconcile feeling a lot stronger together.

I think some earlier posts were extremely unkind. A baby, no matter how wanted, is such a major turning point and a shake up that its arrival often leads or contributes to a MH crisis, be it PND, PNA or PNP. Partners' MH can be massively affected too. This is not the reason to dump them because they're unsupportive, on what planet are you on to say something like this? Absolute lack of empathy. If someone is ill, there is only so much that they can cope with. They need to rebuild their MH and they need support. They may end up having another episode or a long term illness, is this in itself the reason to dump them? No. OP's husband is addressing his illness. He's trying to avoid the known and anticipated trigger. Would you say the same about a husband undergoing chemo and unable to care for a newborn like he hoped to? No. His cancer might return, so why not dump him though, would be easier, right? No, it doesn't sound quite right, does it. Yet someone in MH crisis is just not stepping up, a burden, and all sorts of evil. It's so sad to see this attitude.

Lots of shoulda, woulda, coulda comments on here which aren't helpful, also lots of personal opinions on abortion and pregnancy, which aren't helpful either.
My main concern is that you and your child are safe, and from what you have said about your dh, it sounds as though you are.
I agree that this is a mental health emergency and help should be sought quickly. I also think you should speak to your own midwife and explain the situation to here.
You have a lot of decisions to make, and no one on here can tell you what to do.

@PurplePansy05 Thank you for your kind words. It was so hurtful when people accused DH of being lazy and a shit dad (they said this to me and to his face) during that first year. He didn't want to be absent and was putting in so much effort to just exist. Thankfully he came out the other side and is now the parent and husband that he wanted to be. So many people don't understand that "getting over" depression is simply not an option. It is always there and can come back at any time.