We don't want the same thing *trigger warning*

[MooseBreath]

DH and I currently have one DS, 21 months. I would love to have another child, but DH had horrendous depression (suicidal) after DS was born because of the change in situation. While DH's mental health is more under control now with a lot of medication, he does not want another child for this reason. I have been on the pill since DS was 3 months old. Thing is... I'm pregnant despite having dutifully taken the pill.

DH wants me to have an abortion. He thinks another child will push him over the edge. And I completely see where he is coming from. It was terrifying seeing DH as he was and I don't want him to have to go through that again.

But I don't want an abortion. I want this baby. What do I do?

For what it's worth, the lifestyle hit going from 1 to 2 is much less dramatic than from 0 to 1 (or was for us anyway). It's not nothing, but it's much less.

@MooseBreath

DH and I currently have one DS, 21 months. I would love to have another child, but DH had horrendous depression (suicidal) after DS was born because of the change in situation. While DH's mental health is more under control now with a lot of medication, he does not want another child for this reason. I have been on the pill since DS was 3 months old. Thing is... I'm pregnant despite having dutifully taken the pill.

DH wants me to have an abortion. He thinks another child will push him over the edge. And I completely see where he is coming from. It was terrifying seeing DH as he was and I don't want him to have to go through that again.

But I don't want an abortion. I want this baby. What do I do?

Have the baby

Sorry @kagerou I totally jumped the gun there and realise now you meant OP could consider putting her child up for adoption.

Apologies for my mistake

Personally I would have a termination. Totally get the #yourbodyyourchoice etc however you are a family and a unit, this was a joint mistake (bad wording) that will affect all of you, if your husband was abusive or forcing you to terminate then it's a different story but why would you risk ruining his life (and subsequently your son's) when you can readily prevent that happening. Lots of people saying keep the baby and lose the husband but he is not at fault here. Neither of you are, it's a situation you have found yourselves in as a couple so why should his needs be disregarded when the consequences could be so severe.

@MooseBreath

Adoption is not an option. I have the utmost respect for women who carry to term and give their baby to those desperate to be parents. I am not someone who could do this.

I think booking an emergency appointment with DH's psychiatrist may be the way forward here. Perhaps a medical professional could better explain our options for DH's medical care if we follow through with the pregnancy. We're currently at a stalemate otherwise.

I would like to reiterate for some posters though, that DH is in no way forcing me to get an abortion or threatening suicide. I am not being abused by DH.

I think seeing the psychiatrist is an excellent idea MooseBreath! And it's also not a bad idea for him to review the current medications as there might well be something better available by now.

In the meanwhile, You can only try your best to help DH, but if you decide to terminate the pregnancy MB, this decision will be with you for the rest of your life and may have consequences on your relationship with DH that potentially could spiral him back into depression anyhow.

Sending you a cyber hug x

@Somerandomgirl

But having children is such happiness... and second one wont change life that much IF its about money and material stuff? I understand its loce keeping couples together but if family fir someone is such negative expirience they should just be alone.. cause what on earth... :( sacrafice your own happiness cause he cant find his... if this makes him suicidal my god in the face of problems?......

Wow, such an empathetic understanding of illness. Not.

I think you need to talk through exactly what his fears are and try to address them, in the safety of his psychiatrist is a good idea. 1 to 2 is NOTHING like 0 to 1 in terms of life changes etc.
Whatever decision you make, to abort l, to keep, to stay or go, you have to make the one you can live with

@Punching

My view is that someone who really doesn’t want a baby, but who refuses to do contraception himself with the entitlement to suggest an abortion is (regardless of any MH difficulty) selfish. I wonder to what extent you hold everything together for him, and he actually quite likes that.

I would make a decision that assumes he will be unable to contribute as with your first child. But make it for you.

The OP has already said that she did not want him to have a vasectomy - they made a decision together for the OP to take the pill. Contraception fails sometimes, it isn't irresponsible.

Nobody "actually quite likes" other people around them struggling because of their health - depression is an illness, it's not a choice.

The OP has said that he got the help he needed and is a brilliant dad and husband. It's normal for him to worry about how he will cope with another when he was close to suicide after the last one - he can't help that. He would only be in the wrong if he was pressuring the OP to have an abortion which she has already said is not the case

@Punching OP said her DH has previously said he wanted a vasectomy but they’d jointly agreed not because she wants another child one day. That doesn’t sound selfish to me.

@Punching DH hasn't refused contraception. This has been addressed in my previous posts. And he certainly does not enjoy the fact that I need to hold things together for the sake of his mental health.

[quote Cowardlytiger]@MooseBreath going back to mental health team to ask about additional support sounds an excellent idea, call consultants secretary and ask for an appointment and also encourage OH to see GP who can refer him back in as well.

Good luck[/quote]
I don’t think it’s quite as simple as phoning a consultant ‘s secretary to get an appointment. And absent a mental health crisis, I suspect there will be a significant delay in seeing a psychiatrist - but definitely worth seeing the GP together to see what her is available

Like @Bluegrass22, I would probably abort - but having first tried the GP route / psychiatrist referral

I hate when people comment how how situations could have been prevented tathervthsn giving advice on the actual issue.

Sorry OP that you find yourself in this position. It cannot be easy. Everything you have said makes me think you want to keep this baby and if that's the correct decision for you, then that's what you do. You don't have to justify it commit anyone.

If I'm correct in understanding your posts, you husband wasn't on the same medication previously which he is on now.

You also both have a better understanding of his condition that you did when you had the first child.

I think you should both jointly, if he agrees, go see him doctor and his therapist and discuss the concerns he has and see how he can be reassured and supported.

You should also get seperate counselling as often times when one person suffers from mental health issues, the other person becomes so drained but trying to support them and carrying the mental load while they are ill.

If may be a case that you will end up a single parent but it may also be a case that things will be better this time around. Prepare yourself for both.

I know it's not the same but many mums have pnd with their first children and only a 30% chance of having it with their second.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I always feel that if you really want a baby but abort for someone else's sake it could permanently damage your relationship in the future.

Op, you sound like a loving couple who are mutually supportive and self aware dealing with what comes your way.
I feel encouraged that you seem to communicate well, at least nothing will happen either way where you don't both fully understand why. Which protects against some of the fall out.
I don't know what you should do, but I can tell you that my dh also took a year to bond with our first, he really struggled with the crying (so much crying as reflux and colic), but the 2nd baby was like night and day in terms of the experience. I struggled more as being a sahm I shouldered most of the 'juggling 2 children' thing and dh worked long hours (though dh supported with domestic stuff when not at work). But dh found it easier, 1st baby taught him how to bond with a baby so he was bonded immediately, 2nd baby was much more settled, no reflux issues. All in all, the experience (appreciate this is in the absence of serious mental health problem so this is just the becoming a dad part) is so different second time round (hard to explain fully in this format) I would urge your dh to factor that into his thinking. His fears are justified of course but the reality of becoming a parent is so different 2nd time round it just doesn't hit you in the same way, it's much less of a shock (in all ways, financial shock, weight of responsibility etc etc) and easier to connect to the joyful side of it for that reason. That might shield him somewhat from what happened last time.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I am contacting the GP today to see if we can have a referral to DH's psychiatrist or alternative counseling.

@MichelleScarn, I suggested that because for some people it might be their preference. It was what I decided to do when I received a medical diagnosis during pregnancy that would have left me severely disabled or life limited. To me the idea that my baby would still be alive out there and loved (and that something good would have come out of a shit situation!), was better than either a late termination or bringing her into a world where i couldn't care for her in the way she deserved.

Luckily the diagnosis was wrong and I instead have something manageable so I kept my baby.

But before I knew that the idea was a big comfort to me and it might be to someone else in a difficult situation so don't judge as though I'm telling the OP to do something horrendous!

OP I hope whatever you decide is the right choice for you, loving someone with MH is hard and i totally get that you need to consider your husband and existing child in any decision. I'm so sorry you're going through this

Hope it goes well for you @MooseBreath.

I hope it all works out for you guys. This is a more complicated situation than randomers on MN can actually advise you on. But if it were me, I would be keeping the baby because that’s what you want to do.

That comes with massive responsibility on your part to communicate with your DH and his psychiatrist, GP, family (?) etc to put safe and effective management and support in place before the baby arrives.

It also comes with massive responsibility to know that you may well need to act as a single parent again, for the first year or so of this baby’s life. Like you did the first time round.

There’s always the chance that the shock to your husband’s system isn’t as severe from a second child, compared to a new child from a childless life. But there’s always the chance that the same will happen as it did the first time round. But you guys got through it, and maybe you’ll feel you can get through it again, especially with the forewarning that protections for your husband’s mental health need to be in place before the baby comes (which they already are, to a certain extent if he has his medication sorted, and access to a psychiatrist)

Not quite the same situation, but my husband told me to abort our second child due to my mental health after the first.

I went ahead with the pregnancy and had all sorts of supports in place before she was born just in case I dipped that badly again. My husband did leave early in the pregnancy and I'm actually much happier overall. It can be done alone, if that's what you want.

That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in @MooseBreath.

I agree that arranging an appointment with your husband's psychiatrist is a good idea. You could also ask for support for yourself from the perinatal mental health team if you decide too continue with the pregnancy - they often have shorter waiting lists than general mental health services and might have some options for family therapy too (if you're very lucky!)

One thing I would add is that when someone has depression, they can often see things in an overly simplistic, all-or-nothing way. I wonder if your husband is doing that a bit with your pregnancy - thinking "If my wife has another baby, I will get depressed again and I will feel suicidal and it will all be terrible" (or something like this).

But actually, there's evidence that things could be a bit different and more positive with baby number 2:

• your husband got through his depression last time and is now a great dad with a close bond to his son. That suggests that he can get through it again - and the knowledge that he got through it before might help with getting through it this time;
• your husband is a good dad to your son now. It sounds like feeling inadequate and helpless contributed to the depression previously? This time round he will have all the parenting of your older son to do, which might help both with self esteem and with maintaining some daily routine, both of which could help him not to get sucked into a black hole of doom;
• forewarned is forearmed. What were the key contributors to your husband's depression after your son's birth? If you decide to keep the baby, can you put some things in place ahead of time to help with that - things like sleeping arrangements that allow your husband to get longer chunks of sleep or practical support from family members? Could your husband start weekly private therapy sessions that he could continue with through the early baby period (expensive but worth it if you can afford them and lots of people offer a sliding scale of fees)? Does he know the warning signs that he is starting to feel down - and what helps in this situation?
• Other posters have mentioned that the shock of going from 0 to 1 kids is much greater than going from 1 to 2, so the transition back to the new baby stage might not be as brutal this time (although I can't comment on this personally!)

None of those things are a magic bullet that can cure long-term depression or guarantee that your husband won't get really depressed again, but it is worth taking a step back and asking yourselves what is already / could be different in this situation. You can empathize with your husband's wish to avoid another round of depression but you don't have to fully adopt his beliefs regarding your pregnancy. If he felt more able to believe that things could be different this time round, would he feel more open to the idea of a second child?

OP you have both begone parents already, that's a massive adjustment. Becoming a parent for the second time isn't such a big emotional shift as the first time. Its more a case of managing the practicalities of 2 kids which can he overwhelming but you have learned more than you think from having your first. I understand your concern about husband mental health but the challenges will be different this time.
Don't underestimate the impact on your own mental health of having an unwanted termination.